Single in the Chi

I still do like me.

2011-10-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

Breaking up with Big was big, very big. It was probably the biggest step I have ever taken in a relationship; the step of expressing how I feel even if it hurts the other person. If you've done it before, bravo. So far things have been okay. I have the benefit of distance to help lighten the blow and minimize the "realness" of the matter, but I can expect that like with anything, I will feel things when I feel them. Rather than sadness, my initial feelings have been rifled with anxiety and impatience. Its like now that I have broken Big, I should have a new guy and a new relationship, like yesterday. Well? Now I remember why I hate being single.

A friend the other day told me that for as long as she has known me, I have never ever been fake - she actually said it as a sort of compliment. Daily I am reminded that we live in a society that breeds and encourages women to be fake - happy, agreeable, likable, Stepford. We are conditioned from birth to believe that unless we are in a relationship we are missing out on something, and with the help of "self-help" and popular TV programming, we are essentially taught how to not be ourselves in order to get the guy. All of our actions and reactions are a product of an industry. Its money honey.

Not that that's bad or anything. So what if the majority of how I behave in a relationship is the result of memorizing every SATC episode verbatim? I actually did use Carrie's "don't you say her name to me!" line from season 2 in my first break up with Big. So no I don't condemn it, but as I get older, I do question whether my actions and reactions to life are not a Pavlov product? When did I stop thinking for myself? Or probably more accurately, why did I never learn to think for myself?

As I told my friend, I am not sure that my not being able to be "fake" was entirely a good thing. I mean its not like my phone is ringing, or anything. Does my realness equate to unlikeable? In all actuality it is not my realness that makes me unlikeable, but rather my inability to be real with other people. I cannot pretend to be someone I am not, but I have a very hard time being who I am in front of other people. And that is the part of me that I need to work on.

Apologies for the random series of ah-has this post, but I guess my lessons this week were not entirely cohesive. I am glad that I am not fake with people, that for the most part I maintain an honest persona. I am glad that I now recognize that I need to think for myself and be careful to not confuse pop culture with right and wrong. I recognize that I need to continue trying to be open and show who I am to the world because even now, I still do like me.

the break-up

2011-10-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

I did it. I actually did it. I broke up with Big, out loud, and to him. I didn't break up with him in my normal way - tell my friends and secretly see other men. This time, I told him over the phone that I didn't think we were going to work out, and that I thought it best that we break up. And so now I am broken-up, or possibly just broken.

He was hurt. He told me he thought I was making a big mistake. He told me he didn't think I knew what I wanted. He told me that love should be able to conquer all. He told me I broke his heart. I told him that I don't know if I am making a big mistake. I told him that I don't know what I want. I told him that I don't think love alone, is enough. And I told him that my heart is broken too. So here we are left, two individuals with broken hearts who no longer believe in a certain kind of love.

All in all I do think he tried to understand my reasons why. He agreed that he couldn't change who he was to be with me and I told him that I couldn't change who I was to be with him. I really really tried to be that person that could be with him, but in the end I think I failed. And he really really tried to make me happy and be the guy I deserved but in the end, it wasn't enough. We both know that we tried our absolute best to be together and that we really really love each other.

But now there is a giant hole in my heart, an emptiness and a loneliness in my soul. And so many questions and doubts - did I do the right thing? For someone who has NEVER doubted her decisions, this one doesn't feel right, it doesn't make sense to me and it doesn't seem fair. But life isn't supposed to be fair and love is often lost too early. I guess I do now believe that it is better to have loved, to have really loved and been loved, and to have lost, then to never have loved in the first place.

So how do I heal? Will I heal? All I can hope for is that there are no real "mistakes" in life and that this is just an end of one chapter in my life that will be the beginning of another. And while I am feeling alone and empty I will do my best to keep faith and allow for time and friendship to heal me. Leaving my Big relationship with love is the best I could have asked for, and for that, I am thankful.

Twenty nine is...fantastic!

2011-10-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

It is true, twenty nine is fantastic! And I am more fantastic at 29 than I was at 28. For example, I have a better job at 29 than I did at 28. I make more money at 29 than I did at 28. I am managing my finances better at 29 than I did at 28. I am exercising more at 29 than I did at 28. I am drinking less at 29 than I did at 28. I am eating better at 29 than I did at 28. I am reading more and learning more at 29 than I did at 28. And (but) (no and) I am more single at 29 than I was at 28. And what's really interesting is that all of these changes are a chain reaction of one another. All things considered, I have made a lot fantastic progress for being only 27 days in.

In my heart of hearts I knew that a new job would be the catalyst for the change in the next phase in my life. And I was right. It was after the worst (okay 2nd worst) interview of my life that I saw the job posting for my present position. It had me at seeking. If ever there was a position that I was qualified for or a more natural fit for than it was this position. And my future employers felt the same way and after just one pleasant interview, they changed my life.

Here's the great thing about getting a new job that pays more money that only pays once a month; only being paid once a month makes it much easier to allocate (I hate the word budget) money. This in turn has allowed me to invest in a yoga membership!

By participating in yoga classes 5 days a week, I have much less time and desire for wine. Rather than keep company in pinot I keep company in Shavasana. And perhaps because spirit is intricately linked to body, I have become more aware of what I actually put into my body - I have started to cook (not my first lesson in never say never by the way). It turns out that cooking is also a cure for boredom.

I have to give myself quite a bit of credit here. I have always been con veggies - I would order veggie noodle dishes sans veggies, pick out each veggie obstruction from my mom's homemade meals, and scrutinize each and every bite for signs of onion. While I am still very anti-onion, I have made a huge effort to start eating and cooking veggies. So far, I have learned to prepare pasta with pesto, fresh mozzarella and tomato, two different tofu stir fry's with snow peas, orange and yellow peppers, zucchini, and cilantro, and my favorite, baked, marinated tofu. And my toughest critic actually paid me a compliment on my stir fry saying that it was very good, but that I probably had "beginners luck". Hey, I'll take that!

Linked to spirit and body is of course, mind. And while learning/thinking/analyzing/questioning/challenging may never come easy or natural or interesting to me, I am making an effort to try and enrich my mind. (Life outside self help books). NPR, CNN, and WIKI and I are now well acquainted. I am trying to learn not just how to read or listen to stories, but how to retain them, hence the book on memory I just finished. And understanding anything about this world means you need to know something about the past. Poe and Washington Irving at the moment and next up: Plato's "the Republic". Who knows, maybe at some point I will actually be able to have an intelligent conversation...

And I have to believe that part of learning to question and challenge has resulted in my present singledom. That big question: All things considered, how is it possible Big and I can make a relationship work and still be happy? We can't. I know Big and I cannot be together and be happy. And why this has been a hard conclusion to reach is because it won't be for lack of trying and it certainly won't be for lack of love. I meant it when I said that I was in love. I am. I am in love with Big, and he is in love with me too, but that doesn't mean that he and I can make a relationship work. As much as we love each other, neither he nor I can change who we are for a relationship. It would cost us too much. So single? Yes. Single and proud? Yes.

So here I am, 29 and fantastic!

Twenty nine is...

2011-10-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

Twenty nine is fantastic?
Twenty nine is fantastic.
Twenty nine is fantastic!

So, which is it???!

Let's examine:

Twenty nine is fantastic? If you are skilled at inferring tone via the written word you will catch the skepticism in this statement. Like really? I am supposed to like being one year closer to thirty? I am supposed to celebrate the last days of my twenties? No, no! I mean, my twenties are on death row! Losing my teens was a blessing; probably the only nice thing that happened to me in my entire teens was watching them pass by and cease to exist. But my twenties? Not so sure I feel that same way.

Twenty nine is fantastic. It's not like my twenties have been all that great either. To be fair, years 20-24 were crazy fun, years 24-26 were a living nightmare, year 27 was lonely but serene, and year 28 was fantastic! So, out of 9 years, I can say that just half were pleasant and nice. Is the death row of my twenties therefore only half bad?

Twenty nine is fantastic! If years 27 and 28 were improving years, then I can infer that twenty nine can only follow in suit, and be even more fantastic, right? And further, if twenties were better than teens, then thirties must be better than twenties, right?

So there you have it, twenty nine is fantastic! But not as fantastic as thirty.

Groundhog day

2011-10-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

I believe that this is what they call a breakthrough. Actually, in re-reading my posts over the last two years, it seems that I am due for a major breakthrough. Every six months seems to be the cycle. At least I am consistent in having the same breakthrough over and over again. I am nothing if not consistent and predictable.

All of this is a result of the drama of a few weeks ago. It seems that I am still trying to work through what happened. In my last post I shared with you how a friend opened my eyes to the fact that all relationships have their own troubles. That in turn got us talking about a friend of mine who has been in the ridiculous and impossible cycle of on again off again for the last 8 years. While I had compared my situation to hers over the years, I truly saw my situation as "different" and as "not as bad". I mean, my situation as a whole was completely different and less sad than hers, right? I may have been wrong. Okay, I was wrong. See? I can be wrong.

In a nut shell, my friend Carrie is in love with a man who is also deeply in love with her (we'll call him Mark). Circumstances, however, prevent them from being together, publicly. She can see him, spend time with him, talk about her feelings with him, and have intimacy with him, but what she can't have with him is the committed every day love and attention that yields downtown condos, marriage and kids. She has to make the decision of whether seeing him for a few hours a day or week, compensates for her giving up everything she ever wanted for her life. And you know what? She has bravely made the decision over and over again that that compensation is not enough, and has decided that she wants and needs more for her life, and has walked away from him. But over and over again, love has overpowered that brave resolve, and she has gone back to him. You see the big problem is that they do love each other so deeply and walking away from that type of love is actually a kind of death.

So how are our situations so much alike, if not the exact same? For starters, I am surely guilty of being "over" Big and then going back to him over and over and over again. And worse, I am finally conceding that the circumstances that keep us apart cannot be overcome. There, I said it.

And there are two very important points I need to make here:
1. Neither myself, nor Carrie, nor Big, nor Mark, are blameless in this predicament. If anything, we should be rewarded ;) for believing in love. But we are guilty of stubbornly believing in love and in believing that our love is "special". In my newly formed opinion, the only reason the four of us are in this viscous Groundhog day, is because we didn't have the balls to have walked away that first time. Had we done that, which I believe most people manage to do, we would not be in this emotional mess.

2. These circumstances could have been changed because they are after all, a product of choice, daily choice. These daily choices reflect on who we are as individuals. Meaning that to change the circumstance you would need to change the person. And people don't change, fundamentally at least.

So where does that leave Carrie and I? Stay tuned....

I know you love me anyway

2011-10-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

Once Big and I finally had a chance to talk he says “I apologized, you apologized, what’s the big deal? Let’s move on.” Just like a boy. Here I had spent days agonizing, analyzing, questioning, soul-searching, and speculating about the outcome of he and I, and it hadn’t even been on his mind. He was happily resolved. Maybe it is I who has some growing up to do. Just because we have an epic fight does not mean we are over. Just because he says a few mean things and I say quite a lot of mean things, does not mean we are over. Is this what it means to be in a relationship?

Of course what follows in our conversation is much the same. I tell him that I am not sure he wants to move forward at the same speed that I do. He stumps me by asking me what does that even mean? He says, “well, you are my girlfriend, what else do you need to hear?” Fair enough, I am his girlfriend, what more do I need because I am sincerely not pushing to meet the parents or for him and I to move in together for real and become co-dependent. I guess I am content to be his girlfriend, unfortunately, calling someone your GF and feeling like someone’s GF are 2 very different things –I have 405 miles of proof.

So that’s that, I guess we are resolved. Or are we? I still can’t help but feel completely scared that I am making a big mistake. Am I holding on because I am too proud to let go? As a friend recently told me, I need to either get in the game and commit to him and try things out for real, or I need to break things off for real. I can’t waste any more of my time and my late 20s attractiveness on being unsure. As I told her, I don’t know. I thought I knew. I knew when I wrote my last several posts, I meant what I said about being his GF, so why after one fight am I ready to turn in the towel? And as it turns out, I have two very good answers to this:

1. I am terrified of getting that hurt again. I never ever want to feel that heart-broken again. Our first break up left me feeling like my soul was gone. I felt empty, alone, desperate, worthless and endlessly sad. I was only 23 at the time and this was my first break-up so I understand that many of those feelings were but a cruel consequence of inexperience. I know that and I know that I would be able to handle things much differently now, but there is still some fear of regressing to that low state of mind.

2. What if I can’t accept and love and support him for him? What if everything I love about him is outweighed by the things I don’t? What if I can’t believe his dreams and passions are achievable? What if I can’t appreciate his interest in befriending people from all walks of life? What if I can’t accept his colorful and aggressive past? What if I can’t accept his rough around the edges persona? What if I can’t accept a financially difficult future? What if I don’t love him enough?

I shared all of this with that same close friend and she reminded me that all relationships have their problems. And in her own clever way, she showed me that maybe I am being too hard on him. She did this by suggesting that in her own personal relationship, she is the Big and her partner is me. An abstract metaphor if you don’t know us personally. I love my friend dearly and I believe that her partner is very lucky to have her largely because she makes him a better man, and in turn, he helps make her a better woman. At the heart of things, I have always believed that I could make Big better and that in turn he can make me better. I believe that he and I balance each other; he is the ying to my yang.

So was that Monday night for naught? On the contrary; I think that it was a very important reminder that he and I need to learn how to be together, that it will not happen instantaneously. He and I have finally, after 6 years, come to the realization that we deeply love each other and want to be together. And now, we need to learn how. So while we will not have a typical life filled with houses and babies and puppies, we will have a life filled with love and adventure and kitties. Because I do love him enough to try to conquer my fears of rejection and I do love him enough to try accept him as him. And guess what? He loves me enough too.

Caveat emptor

2011-09-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

Caveat emptor. Buyer beware. Isn't that how the saying goes? You make the decision to take on a new label, you think you do enough research, you think you comp shop enough options, you think you understand the return policy, you sign off on any disclosures, and you knowingly, yet sometimes unknowingly take on all risk associated with this new label. Why worry about the risk when the reward of the shiny new label is so appealing?

According to Wiki, closely related to caveat emptor is buyer's remorse. Outside of a few gym memberships and an updo gone wrong (which I returned), I have generally avoided buyers remorse. Okay, and yes, the pair of BCBG Hammer pants was a $40 mistake, but other than that, I have always stood by my decisions, even if my credit card company/Dad disagreed. I have on the other hand experienced feelings of regret for non-buyers remorse. Like that A&F sweater my mom didn't get for me when I was 14 and that time I didn't drink wine in Paris. I still feel it.

Unfortunately, I have experienced feeling of both buyer beware and buyer's remorse this past week, and I am not the only one.

I am sure that this was predicted and is overdue for some, but my la la label of GF may have come to an end. Didn't I tell you I wasn't cut out for that label? Didn't I? Big and I had an epic fight/disagreement the other night that left us both feeling remorse and regret. Our disagreement perpetuated by wine, bad moods, exhaustion, emotion, and PMS (it is real), was so heated and dramatic that it landed the both of us back in the dreaded 2006. It got nasty and while we both apologized, our argument shed light on some very big potential issues. No need for details here, but the jist is that he and I are so completely different that compromising and finding a middle may be impossible.

A few of our issues:
-He comes from the hood, and I come from a place of delusion where I act entitled and above everyone (I promise you I do not like that about myself).
-He loves attention and new people, and I tend to dislike both.
-He is easy-going and I am rigid and uptight.
-He likes to argue and prove a point through examination and I prefer to talk about the weather.
-He thinks its his place to intervene in a street fight and I choose to run the other way, and fast.
-He is welcoming and compassionate and I am judgmental and selfish.
-He is late-night and I am 9pm.

But, come on, I know I sound terrible but I do win on some points:
-I am responsible and professionally successful, he is a struggling artist.
-I make good decision and don't get in trouble, he is always in trouble.
-I would never intentionally hurt someone else, he would and has.
-I am not manipulative and I do not put myself or others in danger, he does.
-I am fiercely loyal, he is out for himself, always.

And where we are like?
-We both think we are always right.

Actually, this is all off the top of my head, and I am starting to get the impression that maybe I am the problem. Maybe its me?

Well, regardless, it seems that our differences, fault aside, may have left us both with feelings of buyer's remorse. But, I did enter into this being aware - I knew the risk, I knew that he and I might not make it. I knew that and I still decided to take on the risk and the label; the possibility of a future with him was worth that risk. I am not sure he feels the same.

So where are we now? Well, for starters, I am trying to differentiate between my feelings of loving him and wanting a life with him, from my need to not be rejected, again, by him. When I said it was 2006 again, for a few minutes it was. For a few minutes I would have done anything to stop him from leaving me, from walking away from us. That is absolutely frightening as we both feel like we have come so far from that version of us. He too was back in 06 seeing me as that person and it scared him.

That said, today I can say that while I struggled with that distinction initially, as I thought about things, and as the week has passed, I know now that I love him, and that I want to be with him, I want to compromise, I want to understand, I want to support, I want to accept him, for him.

And where is he? He is not sure if we can make it, if we are in fact meant to be.

Although the last few days have been excruciatingly painful and sad, I know that it is no longer 2006. I have made the decision to handle this differently, I will pick yoga over wine, eyeliner over cigarettes, smiles over tears. I will be okay.

I don't know if he and I are in fact over, but I do know that something between us died that day, and I fear that what died was that guiding belief that he and I were meant to be together. If that is gone then I guess, as much as we both don't want to admit it, we were both wrong.

Well, maybe a few more tears.

I love you Kate

2011-09-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

Taking on the label of girlfriend is not quite as easy at is sounds – like with any great label worth owning, careful planning must happen before any action is taken. Take for example buying a car; once you have settled on the model, color, and leather interior, you must then negotiate the best price (or at least think you did), they will then pry into your credit history and wonderful FICO, and they will ask you to sign and commit away the next 60 months of your life. Similarly, the same headaches can happen when planning to acquire that new LV monogram; how much can I afford to put down in cash money, how much can I charge on my Macy’s card till I reach my credit limit, can the remaining balance fit on my Visa, and last, how can I save face in front of the sales person? Careful planning indeed must happen before taking on any new label worth possessing.

So where am I at in acquiring my new label of GF. (Side note, GF is the new girlfriend, kapish?) Well, to be completely honest, I am still in the early stages of this planning process. Overcoming my objections to that particular label was only step one. Step two, much more complicated, which ironically, is the label he and I have gone with for the last 6 years.

I am getting riddled w/ the “are you married/dating/in a relationship/have any kids/do you have a boyfriend” questions ever since starting my new job – your marital status are among the first questions to come up don’tcha know? My answer to one of those pesky questions last week came off less than clear – “I have a relationship in Minne.” She looked at me quizzically, like what does that mean? “Um, a sort boyfriend, I guess”. Later that day I decided to bring up the label thing to Big one more time. He was slightly curious and slightly annoyed that I was bringing it up a second time. I mean, the first time he said that “um, well, yeah, okay, whatever, um, if you want to consider me your boyfriend, then yes, okay, I’m your boyfriend”. I am sure this is not unusual, a guy feeling uncomfortable saying labels…it took Big forever to feel comfortable saying “I love you”, and now he does it with great frequency and with great ease (in fact he puts me to shame in this category). So the BF/GF thing will take him some time to warm to I’m sure. I think most importantly is that he does think of me that way, and is willing to concede on that label issue if it is what I want. Which it is something I want for sure, but step two in my planning is going to take some time, because as some of my readers may be wondering, there is still one big obstacle that I need to remove before he and I are able to move forward in any true sense that the BF/GF label suggests. And fear not, I will get there very soon.

Yesterday during a regular conversation on the phone, Big said, “I love you Kate (well, I always wanted to be named Kate), I love you Kate, I am so lucky to have you.” He is lucky and I am lucky.

la la labels

2011-08-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

Girlfriend?

At 28 going on 29, I am still not sure how I feel about the label of ‘girlfriend’. I love labels, in fact, in my early 20s I became a sort of label-whore, aspiring to own as many high-end designer labels as was possible for a broke college student. Among my early and most prideful labels: Dolce & Gabbana, Prada, Marc Jacobs, Stella McCartney, Max Mara, Burberry, Donna Karan, Grey Goose, BMW, and on and on. Labels were a way to give myself a feeling of individuality and more importantly, a feeling of importance. Labels made me feel like I stood out and like I was somebody to envy and I was somebody to know. Labels did for me what love did for others –gave them a feeling of worth, a feeling of being someone special.

Over the years I came to realize that no matter how many labels I owned, I still struggled with feelings of emptiness, that no label (well, maybe Chanel or Vuitton) could fill. I started to understand that my labels had led to a false sense of importance. It wasn’t labels that I needed to make me feel important, it was me. Living in Chi Chi and being able to afford less labels, has meant that I have had to learn to identify myself in new ways, learn to feel special because of who I am and not what I own. So in the last 2 years I have traded Prada for Club Monaco, Dolce for Crew, Stella for BCBG, Grey Goose for Yellowtail, and finally, “it’s complicated” for “girlfriend”.

Yes, that’s right, I am trying on a new label called girlfriend. As I said earlier, I am not really sure how I feel about the label girlfriend, I am not sure if it will fit me. Due to my lack of experience with this label, I feel more fear of it than the sense of security it is supposed to provide. I mean with designer labels I am guaranteed a certain level of quality, I am guaranteed a perfect and tailored fit, I am guaranteed a warranty, I am guaranteed public approval and admiration, bluntly, I am guaranteed satisfaction. A label of girlfriend guarantees no such thing, if anything, the only thing it really guarantees is that you have more to lose if something breaks, especially if it can’t be fixed by the shoe repair guy.

So why give in to the label? If I have comfortably given up on my other labels, why take on this new and riskier label? I guess that the main reason is possibly that while designer labels are great, there is no life-time guarantee, they eventually show wear, go out of fashion, lose their appeal, in short, they are a depreciating asset. The label of girlfriend in contrast, can appreciate in value and it can last a lifetime. I guess at the end of the day, I am willing to risk a break for the chance of the optimal life-time satisfaction.

Big and I are officially together. Although he (and I as well) do think labels are a bit ridiculous, I needed to have something that signified that he and I were moving forward. He and I are faced with so many roadblocks and obstructions to our physically being able to be together right now, but the difference is that he and I are both committed to being together emotionally at present, and physically when time permits. I guess while I have fought having this particular label, I have decided that I also need it as a way to demonstrate and symbolize my commitment to Big and to our future. So yes, you can think of me as Big’s girlfriend, but please just don’t call me that to my face :).

Girlfriend.

In love

2011-08-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

Love, could it actually be that I am back in l.o.v.e, love? Back in the love that I haven’t felt since I was just a schoolgirl of 24? Back in the love that produces giddiness and an insatiable lust? That love? Could it be?

Now it’s not that I haven’t loved in the past 5 years. I have. I have loved many a man…(okay, I have loved three a man), in the past 5 years. But, this particular love, the love that causes your heart to race, your mouth to smile spontaneously, your mind to fantasize, your insides to tingle and your knees to give (well, at least in the movies), is a different kind of love, it is in love. And folks, I am in love.

A few weeks ago I took a risk and said yes. I said yes even though I meant no. I have never been good at saying no, never, and I make it a daily priority to avoid hearing no at all costs. So, instead of saying no, which I meant, I said yes. And so, I landed in love. Get it?

So what was the question? Well, to paraphrase, the question was, “do you want us to give a relationship a try? Do you want us to be together?” While my head screamed NO!!!, my mouth said yes. In a nut shell, I said yes to commitment, to being a (yuck) girlfriend. Only don’t worry, I would never agree to being called a GF, not until I am married at least.

So how does an internal no lead to in love? Well, did I mention that the Casanova of that romantic question was none other than Big? It is Big who wants to consider (don’t ever put the cart before the horse) moving to Chi Chi to be with me.

Now as hard as I have been on Big, and as much as he has deserved it, he (and I as well) have come a long way since we were “in love” initially. Yes, he and I were a disaster, he was a jerk, and I was a jerk. And both of us had to do a lot of growing up to do, to have gotten to where we are today. And where are we today?

Well, today we are better friends than we ever were…we genuinely care for one another and show each other (him more than I) true compassion. And, beyond that deep friendship built of mutual appreciation, lies a very intense and passionate desire for one another. The kind of passion that prevents us from being just friends. And despite our tumultuous past, he and I have worked towards building a relationship together through daily phone calls for over a year and constant affirmations of how we feel about one another. And did I mention that this closeness and intimacy has been initiated by him?

So why would I scream no? Not nearly enough space to say.

But more importantly, why am I am suddenly back in love? Not nearly enough space to say.

But it is worth mentioning that I have loved him since our first kiss at Barfly 7 years ago, and so it is not hard to imagine that I could be back in love with someone who so logically, so casually, and so meaningfully says the following:

Him: “so have you always loved me?”
Me: “yes, I guess so.”,
Him “yeah, I have always loved you, too. I always knew you were special. I think we are meant to be together.”
Me: silent :)

And so I am, in love.

11 months,1 ghost

2011-04-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

Hello Darlings,
I am due for a post with the most.

Life has been very nice as of late, but certainly not without many mini-dramas...

A few weeks ago my former roommie collected the rest of his things from my apartment. This resulted in 6 hours of crying and 1 hour of complete meltdown. My Dear Big was very sweet and did his best to calm me down. I told him that (he) took back everything and that I had nothing left, he assured me that I had him left. It was sweet and very true. Life is not about how much furniture you have in your apartment, it is about how much love you have and give to others. Ah, how sweet!

I survived the adjustment and still have couch and a desk, just a bit less sanity. Another reason I took it so hard was that Danny was out of town and I could not call him for comfort. When I finally was able to tell him he just laughed, was delighted that I no longer had a "college dorm apartment" and complimented my styling of the couch and desk.

He and I are almost at our 1 year mark. 11 months...I can't believe it has been that long. We still act like we just met, fighting, yelling, arguing. Sadly, in a way it is just a part of our relationship. We fight about the same things - I get upset when I feel that he is criticizing me. Sounds right, right? The fault is mostly my own as I invent criticism where there is none. He never intends to hurt my feelings but somehow I have this talent for insinuating or creating meaning and insults out of thin air - a trick he claims I learned from Sex and the City. He is not totally blameless however as he provokes me and never lets anything go...he enjoys the drama as much as I do, which is to say that neither of us enjoys it we are just too combative to stop it. One comforting thing is that no matter how badly we fight, he will always call the next day. He will never abandon me.

I wonder if part of my problem isn't that I am constantly testing this? Am I so afraid of being hurt again that I create and cause drama in order to push people away? In theory, if it's clearly my fault, if I push them away, then I won't be surprised when they leave me. This defense mechanism is a product of being hurt so bad in my Big relationship of past. It is a ghost that forever is haunting me.

Uh-hum, can I get a therapist please?

Que sera sera

2011-01-26T16:35:00.000-08:00

Greetings all.

And so it is, the fourth week of January. This has been a long long winter. I miss the sun! I miss the shorts! I miss the patios and white wines! I miss warm. I miss happy.

Fortunately, my somber and flat mood of the past few months has been lifting. I am starting to feel a little better in work and in life. Obviously the stress of the pending major decisions I would be facing came into play. The thought of choosing, and the consequences of those choices, led to a lot of anxiety and self-initiated drama. I just couldn't go on. And so, with the helpful advice of a friend, and some fish oil, I have decided to not make any decisions. I have decided to just let life life happen and what shall be, shall be. This is not to say that I won't actively try to better myself and my position, it just means that I will wait out any relationship or geographic decision rather than make a decision that could be hurtful or wrong. As I have said in the past, I have a very keen and accurate sense of intuition, and I will know when I know.

Truthfully, what I have put off is breaking things off for real w/ Big. I have dodged and avoided any relationship question, changed the subject when it came to any future-speak, and flat out repelled any questioning of whether or not I was seeing anyone else. I have done my best to not face this elephant, but due to pressures from Big, that grace period has come to an end. He is demanding answers or commitments or promises, and silence doesn't seem to be appeasing him.

As I have said, I don't think I want to be in a relationship w/ Big. I find his financial instability too stressful and I cannot find peace with the idea of opening myself up to hardships. Does that mean I don't love him? It seems obvious to me that if I am not willing to try, to take a chance, then maybe I don't love him. But what if he is worth the risk? What if the problem is not him, but it is me? What if it is my pathetic need to "look" a certain way or to meet a certain societal class standard that has me turning my back on the love of my life? Am I too proud?

Then there is the real fear that I have. I am afraid of saying goodbye to Danny. I am afraid of losing him and in turn losing everything he has helped me gain and become over the last 8 months. He has helped me to grow, ask questions, eat healthier, open-up, inquire, gain new skills and become curious. He has made an effort to make me a more capable, interesting, informed, and better me. Can Big make me a better me?

To put it a different way, I feel Danny is like driving an electric hybrid while Big is like taking the bus. Sure, Danny is new and shiny and environmentally responsible, but, just as with a Hybrid, eventually that electricity will run out, our time together will run out and he will stop showing up. The slightly rusted, but still powerfully running bus, however, will always come, it will always be there to pick you up.

I know that it is hard for you hopeful romantics out there to understand, but Danny is not a real part of my life. Yes, I talk to him every single day, and he has met my parents and my best friends, and he is the first person I call for pretty much any reason ranging from job advice to bladder infections, but he is not someone who I can count on to be there for me. To him, I am a diversion from his complicated, isolated, intense life. I am his recess, a break, an activity that releases him briefly from his personal obligations and incessant needs. He is real to me, but I am not nor will I ever be, real for him in any larger capacity. That fact is very hard on me, but I knew it going in. And as I have said, I feel that with him, the benefits to knowing him, far outweigh the costs of being a recreation. The awful thing is that I may have fallen in love.

The reason why my friend's advice was so helpful to me is because she logically broke it down for me. She explained that I cannot make a decision about Big based on Danny. Danny cannot be a factor because he is not offering any long-term commitments. Therefore he is irrelevant in my decision making. The second issue I have w/ Big is monetary. She said that because I am not going to pay for Big, because I will set the expectation that he pays and contributes half to our future, money is also not a factor.

So I have decided that the right course of action is to take no action. I have committed to Big that if he can find a job in Chi, he can move in with me and we will try to make a relationship work. After all, after seven years, we do owe that much to each other. The catch is that he will need to move to Chi, and he will need to get a job. Now it's on him to prove he wants to be with me, and my job is to encourage and support him as he tries to make it happen. And in the meantime, it is business as usual in the Chi.

My own worst enemy

2011-01-22T08:31:00.000-08:00

Needless to say, I did not end up interviewing for the job in Tokyo. It interfered too much with my current work schedule and lets face it, I can't be bothered with a group interview. Not to mention that it took them 500 candidate interviews to hire 30 people! Why go through the rejection?

That said I am still interested in a new role, either with-in current company, or at a new company. Either in Chi-town or in a new city. Whatever the case may be, I need to make a decision ASAP and act on it.

December and January have been really hard months on me for a plethora of reasons. Its like I have this feeling of restlessness which is equally as bad as my feeling of contentedness. I feel restless, like I am constantly waiting for things to happen, and at the same time I am feeling too comfortable in my current circumstances which is to say that I have grown comfortable with my non-life in Chi. I still only have 1 friend, and unfortunately my 1 friend is too complicated and not really a friend at all. And all the worse is that all of this, my situation my lackluster job search, my complicated relationships, and now friendships, all of it is my fault. This is not to say fault as in blame, it is to say that my restlessness which yields feelings of resentment, is my own doing.

I am being a little hard on myself as I have done a lot lately to propel changes in my life. For example:
-I am eating vegetables (carrots and cauli, as I am newly allergic to broccoli)
-I only listen to NPR in the car to get my current events
-I am reading financial books and planning on investing in the stock-market
-I continue to cut back on my alcohol and cheese intake
-I am trying to be more strategic in my job searching (doesn't seem to be working)

A couple of the areas where I need to improve ASAP:
-As it was pointed out to me by a dear friend, I am trying to live a MN life w/o being in MN. This results in me watching others' lives move forward w/o me as if I don't exist, which I really don't. So, I need to create a life here in Chi. I need to meet new friends and start living here, in the present.

-I need to make a decision on my relationships. My Big keeps pushing for he and I to be together and in a relationship. He is even opening his job search to Chi. I have not felt "in-love" w/ him since this summer and I have been unable to accept it. I have been waiting to fall back in love with him, but its not happening. He is there now, and I am not. It is too late for us and I can't seem to accept it. So unfairly and for months I have been asking him to wait and give me time. I can't bear the idea of telling him that he and I don't have a future. I can't bear it. But I can't make him wait for something that I know is not going to happen. But, what if I am wrong? What if I am supposed to be with him? What if he is my one? I mean its not like guys are knocking down my door. Danny has made it perfectly clear that I am only a diversion from his reality. Am I willing to give up Big and risk being alone? But in one way or another, I have always been "alone". Outside of FWBs my life has been in absence of relationships. Big and Danny are the only men I have ever even been in a "relationship" with and the irony is that these "relationships" were not of the traditional variety of boy meets girl. They have been dis-functional, non-traditional, non-committed, inconsistent, volatile, and you name it. So the fact is that I have never been in a proper relationship which has really damaged my self-esteem, in case you hadn't noticed. There, honesty. And what I have fought against my whole life is feeling like I am bad at life or I am not worthy because my life has not turned out how society deems acceptable. Because I have not been able to conform to the mass expectation something must be wrong with me. Actually, I do think it is society and its invisible expectation and judgment where-in lies the fundamental problems. But who cares? The reality is that we are our own toughest critics and nobody else really cares.

So the point of my rambling is that I am faced with telling Big that I am not moving back to Minne. He said to me a few weeks ago that women have this idea that there is always something better our there, over the horizon. That we can't accept what is in front of us and that we think if we change x,y or z, we will find the elusive thing that will make us happy. Isn't that why I moved to Chicago? Isn't that why I moved to NYC years ago? And isn't that why I am considering job searching back in the NYC? And isn't that why I am afraid of moving back to Minne? I am afraid that going back will mean I have failed. Going back to Minne will turn me back into a heavy drinking party girl in a relationship with a broke and struggling dreamer. I may not know what I want, but I know that I don't want that life again. But I'm no fool, as Big said, it is not my geography that is the problem, it is me.

I heart Tokyo

2010-12-02T19:25:00.001-08:00

A more focused job search this week has paid off in the short term with an interview with a top retail company, a top Japanese retail company that is. Yes, next Friday I will be subjected to the horror of a group interview where I will be competing with new college graduates and possible hipsters for the opportunity to be part of a global expansion strategy in the US. As I said, the top Japanese retail company is planning on opening new locations in key US markets in the next three years and they are in the process of recruiting the talent (me) to make this endeavour successful. Sounds like an awesome opportunity right? And did I mention that the training for this position is conducted in SOHO/NYC for 6 weeks and then JAPAN for 6 MONTHS?!? So very cool.

So very cool indeed, but of course as with anything, there are obstacles:

1. Group interview, pardonez moi? The last thing in the world I want is to publicly compete with motivated and ambitious and naive graduates--I have done that for years at bars and at parties and I am not sure I like the idea of doing it over a job in such a vulnerable way. Yucky yuck.
2. Is store manager really the path I want to go? I have been gearing my search at more corporate opportunities and less at management, but as my experience proves, I may be only qualified and appealing for "stores" positions. This is disappointing as I would really like to try the corporate setting...by not doing it now, will it be too late to change later?
3. Although I have searched Mpls, Chi, and NYC for job opps, I have secretly hoped for the Mpls market to pan out. I LOVE living in Chi, but I really do miss my family and friends. On the offchance that I did land this position, my stay in Chi turns into permanent for another three years at minimum.
4. What if I am not quite cut out for this type of high-pressure position? I find that I am a talented and driven manager, but I am not sure that I am a true leader.

There are many cons to consider but I can't help but feel excited by the pros:
1. Living in Japan for 6 months! When else would I get such a fantastic opportunity?
2. Training in the specialty setting for a store management role...this would diversify my background.
3. Being part of a launch of a new store concept in the US.
4. Back to the NYC my favorite city in the world for a period of time.
5. Exposure with a fast growing global company.
6. Did I mention the parent company owns Theory?

When it comes right down to it, if the position were offered to me and suitable to my demands, then I would accept even at the cost of the cons. I don't know how I could say no--and it would be for the right reasons. I hate to admit this, but my move to Chi was somewhat propelled by a sense of drama...like a feeling or a stand of there is nothing for me in Mpls, meaning, look at me I am single, better move. With this opportunity in my horizon the reason I would say yes is not because I am single (I have two many men at the moment) but because it is the right thing to do for my career. I would actively be choosing career and world experience over love. If I am willing and able to do that, then maybe I am not in fact, in love.
http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=5403379351156583690&postID=329591328133216850#

6 inches of separation

2010-11-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

I find it somewhat ironic that you can still get stood up and dissed by men you are not even interested in. Why is the universe so damn predictable. Well, it all began during a Vikings game at a bar last week. It is not hard to see where this story goes wrong. Well, at any rate, I was at a bar during a Vikings/Bears game looking bored and trying to hush my overly loud Vikings cheering girlfriend in a crowd of overly loud and burly Bears fans...(we were given quite a few evil eyes and would have had our asses kicked if not for the on-duty-but-watching-the-Bears-game cop sitting next us). As I was drinking to escape total boredom, the guy next to me started chatting me up. This in it of itself was interesting as he was 5'4 and I am 5'10 and my girlfriend is 5'1...why exactly was he talking to me? Turns out he was a very nice, confident, interesting and positive guy and I ended up giving him my number, only in a friendly way--6 inches cannot be overlooked. He promised to text the following weekend and see what was up.

The following weekend he did text and then he even called and asked me to hang out the following day, Saturday. Sure, why not? I am always interested in meeting new people, and with him I felt that the edge of is it or isn't it a date was missing due to the height factor. Meaning I could feel comfortable and be myself without the hope or stress of will he like me. So Saturday rolls around and I hear nothing, zip, nada from him. I didn't try contacting him figuring it is better to let things go. So what happened? He was so eager to hang out and then no communication at all...not even a polite text or a post-it? WTF?

My Vikings girlfriend and I are puzzled as we are left questioning what was the point? Why bother? What is wrong with men? Certainly there is the possibility that he lost his phone, got into a terrible emergency or even died, but as time and experience has shown me, it is likely not the case.

I am really not even bothered in the least by the whole ordeal. I just honestly find it funny that the same things that happened to me when I was trying to meet "the one" or anyone, are still happening to me now when I have given up looking altogether. The universe can be unnecessarily cruel or maybe I am just getting paid back for all of the guys whose # I saved as the bar's name in order to make sure I screened and never answered their calls. Who knows really? The good news is that being blown off by someone I don't even know does not devastate me as it once did, in fact it leaves me completely unfazed, annoyed yes, but also unfazed and that is quite a nice place to be in.

giving up the ghost

2010-11-07T12:21:00.000-08:00

As Big and I have been talking about the future, our past keeps becoming present. He wants to talk about the past, he wants to resolve any hurt or lingering feelings, he wants to discuss it, accept it and leave it behind. Me, well, what I want to do is avoid talking about the past save for a few snarky remarks here and there to let him know I haven't quite forgotten. Forgiven? Probably. So do we have to resolve our past to get to our future?

It seems so. What worked for us in the past will not work for us in the future. We cannot let big issues linger underneath the surface. We have to deal with them head on and we have to communicate. I am still terrified of communication. I am still terrified of opening up. For example, today he said something a bit surprising, he said that when we dated in the past, he didn't feel like we were ever close, like he really didn't know me. And what's worse? He still doesn't feel like he knows me, he knows me better, but he wants to know more of me and the only way to get to know someone is through time.

Although I have made a lot of strides in my ability to open up, I still don't enjoy it. I don't want anyone to see what I have so desperately tried to ignore and overcome...that I do lack confidence, that I am extremely defensive and sensitive about certain things, that I care what strangers think of me, that I feel embarrassed, for not having more boyfriends, that I am intimidated by a lot of people, that I lack the ambition and motivation to really be somebody important and successful. The fact is that I am terribly ordinary, I am not special, I am not talented, I am not intelligent or innovative, I am not gorgeous, I am not charismatic, I am just entirely average and ordinary. I am not the person I wanted to be. But I am lucky, and what I have done here in Chi is accept me for me, and learn to be happy with average.

I guess my point is that I need to learn to open up and talk about things without becoming defensive. Big is not trying to hurt me or make me feel bad when he talks about the past. If anything, all he keeps doing is apologizing over and over again for how much he hurt me. He wants to make sure I am able to get past what happened. But I guess that me getting past the past was to pretend it never happened; the pain, the hurt, the blame, the loss of my friends, the cutting, the depression, the therapy, the tears, the desperation, the anxiety, the fear. I moved past it because I let it go and dissapear into a foggy barely there recollection. It became a ghost.

The problem is that while our past is in the past, I can't help but make the occasional snide and cutting remark that I know will hurt him. In some ways I still think he should pay and suffer for the past just like I did. But deep down I know he suffered too. And deep down I know what happened wasn't entirely his fault, he is not to blame. So as we agreed, the past is the past, I agreed to let go of cunning comments and he said how sorry he was. We faced our ghost.

Big small things

2010-11-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

Confession. Even though I am no longer in love with my Big, I am still in love with my Big, and I am glad. I think what I realized that Monday night is that I was no longer in love with Big blindly. I came to accept that his decisions, actions, behaviors, choices, everything, all had a direct impact on me and my future. I came to realize that I could not jeopardize my future for anything, even love.

It is a big step to approach life eyes wide open. Largely, my pursuit of Big for the last seven years has been to prove myself worthy, not to actually be with the man I love forever. I was perfectly aware that my Big was for right now, and not for right, forever. He was never an option I would have exercised for long term, even if I did love him more than I could possibly understand. He was always part of a game: prove myself worthy to capture the unattainable (duh, if that were my game I should have gone with Matt Damon and not some dreamer). I guess the reason I fell out of love with him that Monday night was because I realized that I finally won that game, I captured my prisoner, Big was mine. And because he was mine, I could move on and finally see the limitless life in front of me.

And I do see the limitless life in front of me. This is partially why I am confronted with occasional bouts of decision anxiety. The next decision I make will absolutely affect whether or not Big and I have a future. That said, I am certain the decision I make will not be because of Big, it will be because I choose it to be best for me, and the best for me may be Big, but I don't know.

Did I mention that since July he has called me every single day? He obviously has felt me slipping away into dating other men, but none the less he has never acted rudely against me, he has only tried harder. As I said, when I was back in Minne, he insisted I stay with him and was very understanding when I sported sweats and obliged in few relations. And every single day since July he has told me how he feels about me, engages me in discussions about a future together, and has done his best to make peace with our past through communication. Even though I am still reluctant to have these candid conversations, we both understand that they are critical as they will reveal whether or not we have a future together. He and I are getting closer to true intimacy which Danny has opened me up to.

And I suppose I need to pause here and mention Danny. I feel that Danny has been brought into my life to show me how to live life, live life better, more fully, more capably, more everything. He is teaching me so many things and I really value and care about him, deeply. But, either fortunately or unfortunately, that is as far as our relationship can go, per his terms. I am recreation for him (sounds worse than I mean it), I am a break from his gruelling reality, I am a companion and it isn't that he doesn't care about me, it is just because this is the life he chose. So when I speak affectionately about Danny it is just that, I am affectionate about him, but also realistic, Danny is not my future, but Big might be, and that is what I need to explore.

And Big continues to know just what to say. I am not sure if it is a naturally ability or if he knows me well enough to know (I am sure he would say its the latter). For example yesterday I was playfully commenting that isn't it convenient he is going to see a band play with his married friends and their girl friend. I need to mention here that earlier I told him that I got him an early Christmas gift. He said even if that were the case that this what a set-up what makes me think that this girl would surprise him with an early Christmas gift? He said, I think I already have it pretty good.

I guess it is in the small things.

what does your gut tell you?

2010-11-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

Every big decision that I have ever made has been extremely easy, obvious even. If this is the case, then why am I feeling so anxious over the decisions I will be making in the near future? I think that I have suddenly felt the downside to 28+. At this age it seems that every single decision that we make carries far reaching implications and possibly consequences. That certainly feels unsettling.

I have an excellent history of decision making and the decisions I have made have never proved me wrong. And by the way, I hate making a decision, I hate the research, planning, analysis and risk involved in making decisions. This is why the idea of home buying and investing make my heart race...those decisions cannot be made based on "gut" feelings? Or can they? If my gut has never steered me wrong, then shouldn't I be applying that same methodology?...something to consider.

In 9th grade my favorite teacher taught us the stock market and we bought and sold fictisously based on the real market. Well, my stock did great, I had bought Best Buy. I bought BB because I knew what BB was, I went with my gut and it paid off big time (well it would have had the money been real and not make-believe-lesson learned).

So what if I pick my stocks based on where I like to shop, my sports teams based on cities I want to visit, and bars based on the cleverness of their names? I am hardly wrong, in fact, my excellent track record in decision making based on my gut has landed me:
-in Chicago which has dramatically improved my life
-in New York City which paved the way for my Chi-move
-in a career that I have up until now found to be very fullfilling
-in many cute and comfortable apartments
-in a darling car which leaks oil but has a smile on its face
-and in love.

I have gained a lot from following my gut, but I fear that as my gut grows (literally), than so do the stakes and potential consequences. The decision that I may very well need to make in the near future is where I want my career to take my geographically. I have narrowed down where I want my career to take me professionally, but soon I will have to decide whether I will be here in Chi, back in Minne, or somewhere New York? All three have their pros and cons, ups and downs, risks and potential gains to be contemplated when the time comes. But the thing is that this decision may present consequences that I am unprepared to face...damned if I do and damned if I don't.

So what does my gut tell me? So far my gut tells me consulting and it tells me that when the time comes I will just know.

In love.

2010-10-31T12:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!

A new day and a new pair of sweats...Vince leggings! Actually, I went the extra mile today and curled my hair in cascading waves a la Carrie Bradshaw and applied the eye-liner to the top and bottom lashes. I looked great and felt great leaving my warm apartment to go and clean the yoga studio (hey, I am saving money for Spain while getting into shape with unlimited free sculpt classes). And now I am drumming up the motivation to get out and do something--like get coffee. Truth be told as I realized last night, I am a bit too comfortable doing nothing. I need to push myself to start doing things again even if those things are just going out for coffee, going to the library, or even window shopping. I need to get out!

The good news is that I am researching new ways to get out via the meetup.org group. A friend of mine has done a few of these group events and has had a good time. I am signed up for the Spanish language meet-up, YP networking, and 20s-30s for fun groups...now its just a matter of committing to an event and going. In my old age of 28 I realize that I am not so afraid trying and doing things on my own...(heck, even at 27 I moved to a new city alone and have lived here for 16 months alone). I now understand that doing things alone does not make me unpopular, pathetic or desperate. Conversely, exploring my interests makes me more interesting, more independent, and more appealing. I like being old!

For the first time in my life I can say that I am happy to be exactly where I am and I would not change a thing (just the 0s on my bank account). I love living in Chicago, I love the friendships in my life and I love that even at a distance, they are fruitful, sharing and meaningful, I love that my life no longer revolves around being single and how now I view being single as a huge advantage, I love my independence and ability to take care of myself, I love the freedom I have to pick and choose my next career, I love that I have a huge support system in my family and friends, I love that for the first time ever I am living up to the person I have pretended to be for so long and that people are recognizing it, I love that I recognize my blessings and that I am starting to live up to my potential.

I came to this city as a single girl seeking an answer to a question: do I believe in love? I expected the answer to be in the form of a tall dark handsome and foreign man, and while I have had a few of those, my answer manifested where I least expected. I found love in life.

thats just me

2010-10-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloweve. Apparently, it is the eve to a very special holiday and as everyone keeps reminding me, I should be doing something fabulous, while wearing little more than a leather Snooki ensemble...sorry, but that is one fat suit I don't intend to don. So what, it is Halloween weekend and my costume is an I heart Tokyo t-shirt with C&C sweatpants? Wait a minute, this is scary.

Shouldn't I be terrified that my life is scary every single day? Sweatpants and leggings have replaced skirts and dresses. Eye cream has replaced eye-liner, a ponytail holder has replaced a flat iron. I have officially become old and let myself go.

To be honest, I do mourn my old life. Any other year, I would have dressed all Gaga and had four too many cocktails while possibly making out with the only straight guy at a gay bar. I was that good with my single come-get-me stare. I had the world at my hands, albeit until the clock turned 9:00 and I woke up to a splitting head-ache and the unfortunate memory lapse causing me to question what the hell happened last night? Although it seems ridiculous, I do mourn that life. I felt excited, I felt popular, I felt special, I felt sexy, I felt alive. Unfortunately, more often than not, I also felt regretful, pathetic, sad, lonely, depressed, and let down.

I guess what I feel now is that I do mourn my old life, but I do not miss my old life. I am happy to stay in on Halloweve, watching Sex and the City 2 and drinking a bit of wine. I like this life. What I don't like is everyone else out and about enjoying their Halloweve surrounded by friends and strangers and the Situation. It only serves to remind me that while I like my life very much, I do not feel alive.

I want to like my life and feel alive at the same time. I am getting closer to having it all. And I will have it all and my having it all will not be measured in my ability to dress up as a pop culture tragedy. My version of having it all will be in bed on Halloweve, with my Big, watching an old black and white zombie film. I guess even though the idea of staying in in C&C may sound scary to the old me, to the present me, that's just me.

we were meant to live for so much more

2010-10-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

The more things change, the more things change. I have to take a minute and congratulate a very good friend of mine for closing a chapter in her life in order to make room for a new chapter. It seems that like me, she was watching her twenties pass her by as she simultaneously waited for change to happen and dreaded the minute it would happen. She and her man-friend ended a seven year relationship--although they had broken up many many times over the seven years, this to her felt different as it was an agreed, respectful, and loving end to a great love. When you love somebody more than you love yourself, you suffer, you break, you lose sight, you watch your life pass you by.

She bravely is closing the door to that masochist comfort in order to explore a new world where she is living not for another person, but for herself giving herself permission to live up to her limitless potential. She is a talented, intelligent, and strategic individual who can do anything she puts her mind to. Now that she has released herself from the invisible chains of love, she can start living.

As she and I talked about last night, coming to the realization (finally) that our lives were not solely meant to be about men and relationships and love, opens us up to the possibility that we were meant to do more. I don't know quite what that more is at the moment, but I am very excited to find out. :)

happy tires, happy life

2010-10-13T17:29:00.001-07:00

I am having some troubles, oil troubles. It seems that my car is leaking oil :( and as I am told, a car should not be leaking oil, something is wrong. In my opinion, one of the best reasons to make a male friend here in the Windy City is to have someone available who can do the guy duty and check the oil. The entire reason CPA and I even happened is because my oil needed to be checked! What can I say other than I am very traditional in my sense of car roles...men are meant to get under the hood and get their hands dirty, and women are meant to stand to the side handing them the right tools (um what's a widget?). And I find that while I am a very advanced and independent girl, I like my girly ways, meaning, I like to be taken care of.

I guess this is why so many girls end up marrying men like their fathers. They crave the security, the stability, and the protective nature their dads have provided them all their lives. And I can't blame them. The older I get the more and more I notice and seek men who remind me of my dad.

Danny sure does. Danny is certainly insane and nothing like my father in many ways, but in the ways it matters, he is entirely like my father. The number one way Danny reminds me of my Dad is in his concern for my safety. My Dad has coached me since I was born to be safe and smart: to have street smarts, to have a winter tool-kit in my car, to always drive with a half a tank or more of gas, to not talk on the phone while driving, to always be aware of my surroundings, to always lock my doors, to frequently change my online passwords, to use a landline when giving out personal info, etc, etc. Danny is the same way albeit more extreme. He insists I call him when I get home from my evening yoga classes or book meetings. He waits in his car in the street until he sees the light come on in my apartment, he forces me to get out of bed and lock the third (is that really necessary) lock behind him, he scolds me every time I use a credit card instead of cash, he makes sure I unplug my internet connection when not using, he scares me into getting in for regular health check-ups, and on and on. Just like my dad, Danny is concerned for my general safety and well-being in a very serious way. There is comfort in knowing that if anything ever happens to me, Danny will be the first to know and with-in hours, and he would be the one to find me. Its just too bad no one knows Danny. There are other ways that Danny reminds me of my dad, but generally its because of their shared concern for my welfare and financial state.

A cute story my dad told me while he was helping me wax my car, is how when he and my mom first started dating, my dad used a special chrome polish on her tires to get the goo off. Not sure if he was trying to impress her, or if he was just a bit OCD. I guess my mom was a smart lady and must have assumed that a man who would polish and take care of your tires would be a man who would polish and take care of you in life. When I had my oil leak (must be the year) I obviously called Danny. Although he is entirely detained this week on a tax deadline, he offered to come over to look under my car and fill my oil. And he did just that. He came over (from way out of his way) and checked my oil, filled it up, and looked for the problem area. He then told me he would call his mechanic and decide what to do next. He kissed me goodnight and that was that, back to taxes. My dad polishing my mom's tires, is Danny filling my oil...it tells me that this is someone I can count on, this is someone I want around to polish my life.

How do you like them apples?

2010-10-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

I had a near perfect day yesterday. Maybe I would go so far as to consider it a perfect day, a perfect day for a regular day anyway.

This was a first in the tale of Danny and I. We spent the day together. It was almost as though we were real. Of course as with all of my relationships, this feeling is fleeting as nothing lasts, the day comes to an end and I turn back into a pumpkin...is that how the story goes?

Danny spent the night, on purpose. His version of spending the night is coming over at 6:00am and spending my morning/his night. I didn't really even mind this...I was able to get my sleep in (I am a very picky sleeper) but then wake-up next to him and feel happy. We got up around 12:00 and headed out on a day journey to this very specific apple farm three hours away in Michigan. He insisted on this favorite apple farm as it is Martha Stewart recommended and they carry the most varieties of apples and trees. Apparently, there is more to apples than just Honeycrisp and Red Delicious. A lot more. For example, there are varieties of apples that still exist that Mr. George Washington and Mr. Johnny Appleseed would have eaten...cool right?

This is the thing about Danny. He knows something about everything and if he doesn't know something about something, he at least knows he doesn't know it...get it? Meaning a silly apple outing is more than just picking apples for fun, it is serious business...he knows the different varieties of apples, how long they will keep, which to use with cooking, which to make cider with, which to eat when, etc. And then it gets complicated: the trees. Which tree produces which apples, how tall it will be, how vast, how many apples, how to prune, when to prune, how to graft (which is apparently sodding a different variety of apple onto a host tree or something). Seriously, huh? There is a lot to know about apples. When he told me I needed to bring at least $100 with for the apples, I thought he was kidding. But oh no, he spent at least $150 on apples and a new tree. I spent $10 on the important stuff--cider and jelly. Yummy, we are going to drink spiced run and apple cider this weekend :). So our apple outing was more than an apple outing, it was an education.

And the education didn't stop there, rather it started in the car ride to the Wolverine State. When I say that he knows about everything, he really does, and it is in great detail. Our sweet pleasant fall drive was filled with 6 hours (round trip) of him talking, non-stop. This man can talk. The theme for the car ride was a music education. From the history of punk to the earliest music ever recorded (fiddling) I heard it all. Names, dates, styles, venues, history, smack, tragedies, politics, war, racism, roots, genius. Amazing what there is to know and amazing to know someone who wants to know and finds out.

I find Danny to be completely astounding. He is truly unique and his desire for knowledge (because knowledge is cool and more so because knowledge is power) is insatiable. He wants to know as much as he can about as much as he can and what is left is a man who is as informed about apples as he is about resume writing and job hunting, as he is about the war in Mexico, as he is about the state of the Republic of the Congo, as he is about making a living with a few clicks of the mouse. He is astounding.

But then he is also still him: sex obsessed, totally unattainable, temperamental, paranoid, forgetful, always late, frequently canceling, voyeuristic, and certainly dark. But I guess what I have found is that with him it is worth it. In order to ever clearly see and appreciate the light you have to find your way through the dark. As I have said before, his darkness is bringing me into the light and that my friends feels nice.

Twenty eight is fantastic.

2010-10-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

Twenty eight is fantastic. This is surprising to me as I assumed turning 28 (do you know that makes me more than 10,220 days old!?) would be horrible, awful, painful, depressing, meaningless, and inconsequential. However, I could not have been more wrong. 21 days into age 28 and I feel really good and I feel really different.

For me, the 3 biggest changes I have experienced since becoming 28 are:
-cleavage and overall breast enlargement, seriously its sick
-lack of concern with appearance
-the blinders come off and a sense of reality comes in

1. Cleavage. At first I thought it was just the bra, but then other people started to notice my enhancement. Its not that I gained a cup size or anything, it is more so that my breasts have gotten fuller and more apparent. I have cleavage for the first time in my life and its fantastic! My breasts are fantastic (ok that was a SATC Samantha quote). FYI this also happened to a very good friend of mine who suddenly as a 32B sometimes C was suddenly unintentionally leading with her breasts. As my friend San would say, "put those away"!

2. Lack of concern with appearance. This may have actually set in during the summer when I suddenly just stopped styling my hair before work. I went from curling every section meticulously, to a quick blow out, add a change in part, and off I go. I haven't worn eye-liner in I can't tell you how long, and I often wear the same outfits twice in one week. I have let myself go.

Let me give you an example of how low I have gone...last week I was in town visiting family, friends, and Big. Big invited me to spend the week with him and I did...more on this in a minute. Now, I have always made sure I looked exactly perfect when around him, and if I ever spent the night I would be sure it was in something slightly sexy. After not seeing him in over 3 months, you would think I would put on little more than my birthday suit to greet him. Instead, I wore sweatpants and my Mom's MN sweatshirt. And, things didn't improve over the week where each night I would get ready for bed as if I would be sleeping outdoors at the top of Everest. Now, that he loves me anyway is surely something. My dear friend also said that this is just a stage and that at the age of 30 you suddenly snap out of it. Please God, let this stage be over, I miss feeling pretty.

3. The blinders come off, reality sets in. This is somewhat self-explanatory as I have already explained how this has happened with my job: if I want a certain lifestyle I need to make it happen, I can't wait for it to happen to me.

Also, this has happened with Big. It was a Monday night when I first knew for sure that I could not possibly get back together with Big. He has been asking for a few months now for us to get back together and for me to be his girlfriend, and I have hesitated. That Monday night, sitting next to him in his place he shares with another guy, I knew. I can't get back together with Big, he and I are in two totally different places. His lifestyle resembles that of a frat guy or worse, that of a loser. His financial state is always in ruins and he has not quite figured out what it takes to get a grown up job. I have always known this about him, but my blinders have allowed me to look past these shortcomings. Well, I can't do that anymore, I am 28. So I told him as much. He was disappointed but he has taken it remarkably well. The thing is that he knew and expected this. He needs to be a better and more successful man in order to be with me, and he truly wants to be that man. If he figures it out, then great, he has a shot with me. If not, then I need to find someone else. Either way, I am not waiting to find out. I am choosing to live my life and go after what I want without regard for how it will affect other people. Meaning, I am sorry if it will hurt his feelings if I find someone new, but I need to live my life for me, not for him.

Next up, 30 years old and conversations revolving only around slow metabolism and anti-wrinkle cream. I better enjoy the next 709 days!

A changed woman, now what?

2010-10-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

A changed woman? How you may ask? Well to be honest, I am a changed woman because I have accepted the fact that I need to change who I am in order to change who I am. Now, if you're like me, this may sound appalling (as appalling as the suggestion of settling for a paper man)--I mean, aren't we taught to celebrate who we are, as we are? We are taught that we are free to be you and me and to embrace our own and others' differentiating characteristics. Ironic because it is our differentiating characteristics that society and our peers judge so critically. Well I could certainly go on (as could we all) about these invisible pressures but I don't want to lose my point. My point: it is I who needs to change, I need to change who I am without compromising who I am in order to change who I am. Are you with me?

Once again I will reiterate that I do like myself. I really like me. I have many great qualities like loyalty, dependability, reliability, acceptance. And while I have always been willing to admit my shortcomings/less than stellar qualities, I have accepted them as acceptably permanent. Meaning that I have used my character flaws to rationalize not doing things, and worse, to displace blame onto circumstance rather than laziness. I don't really like to use the word laziness as I don't think it fully applies. In many ways I am lazy, but this lack of change is two-fold, lack of awareness that I need to change, and lack of confidence that I can change. Are you still with me?

Let's use my career as an example. I have worked for the same company for 9 years and have enjoyed great job satisfaction and several promotions. My post-college job opportunity happened by coincidence actually--a friend of a friend knew of an opportunity-- and I easily landed the job. From there my career unfolded as I was naturally very good at what I did. I was a happy girl for many years until I found myself turned 28 and feeling stuck in my job and industry and depressing pay grade. I found myself no longer just happy to be where I was, I found myself wanting more. This is a very uncomfortable place to be in for a girl who has lived a lifetime in complacency. Worse, this realization is terrifying as I have come to the conclusion that I need to create change with-in myself in order to be able to attract and attain the new career path that I desire.

Initially when I decided I wanted a new job, I called a very successful friend of mine and I asked for help. I said to her "I don't know how to to this! What if I can't do this? What if I don't have the skills? How do you write a resume? Do I really need a cover letter? This is way too hard." Now I didn't realize that I was being a bit lazy and somewhat pathetic by suggesting I were incapable to figure this out on my own. I think I just felt the process to be too overwhelming that I didn't know if I had what it takes to go through the gauntlet from beginning to end. But, as I started to just do (researching, job searching, resume writing, etc, etc) I finally accepted three things:
1. this job search thing is so much more complicated then I originally thought.
2. I need to learn how to do this, I need to learn how to do it well, and I need to be strategic and forward thinking about where I want to be long-term. Meaning, I cannot just let my wonderful friend help get me a new job, I need to help myself get me a new career.
3. To really commit myself to this arduous journey, I need to change who I am. I need to go from being complacent to ambitious, from cramming before an exam to completing hours and hours of research, from avoiding competition to proving I am the best, to not negotiating and accepting status quo to negotiating everything.

The good news is that by accepting these as truth, the outcome will be that I am changing myself in extremely positive ways, and eventually I will be able to get exactly what I want by deserving it, not by feeling entitled to it. I will become that truly awesome and better version of myself that I have been aspiring to!

I know that this will be extremely hard and challenging for me and I am certainly not looking forward to this journey, but I am also strangely excited. In a way I feel empowered by life and awake to its possibilities. That's a nice place to be.

a changed woman

2010-10-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

Hello Readers!

Welcome back to myself! Sorry for my hiatus--it seemed that my will to write had suffered from this thing called "happiness" --my days of writing poetry inspired by feelings of a poor tortured single girl are over. Happy girls can be clever and witty right? I promise not to go too happy or "Pollyanna" on you readers, I am happy but I still have my pride.

Well, there is no point in trying to catch you up on two months of stuff that would fit nicely into Pandora's Box, instead I will just summarize by saying the more things change, the more things change. Let me write that again (pay attention to the drama): the more things change, the more things change.

I have always been a believer in the more commonly used phrase: the more things change the more they stay the same. I had 27 years of living proof that while things "changed" nothing changed. Although my life ventured 400 miles east, nothing was really different. I still was semi-in-love with the same guy, I had the same thinkless job, I had the same social friends, I watched the same episodes of Law & Order, I felt the same feelings of self-doubt and resentment, I ate the same cheese and drank the same Purple Moon, I had the same bad habits, I had the same spending habits, and I had the same desire to just sit and watch/wait for my life to happen. I had 27 years of experience allowing myself to indulge in selfish and lazy attitudes and beliefs such as: I don't know how to write a resume so I can't get a new job, I don't know how to attract that perfect man so I will settle for any man, I don't know how to ask for what I want so I will accept what I get, I don't know how to manage my money so I will just keep spending, I don't know how to make small talk so I will avoid people, and the list goes on. I was under the the comfortable spell of I don't know how, therefore I can't. Translation: I would rather not try, I would rather do nothing.

Now part of me still feels that way, I would rather not try, I would rather do nothing, but here's what: I am no longer a girl who only has 27 years of not doing, I am a 28 year old woman who is doing.

I would certainly love to credit all of this change to myself, and I do owe some to the magic age of 28 (I certainly owe my newly sprouted cleavage to 28) but truly I attribute a lot of these changes to Danny. Yes, Danny and I are still in our loverationship--he likes to point out how he is practically my longest relationship ever. Sure, after my next longest relationship (as a masochist) with Big, I suppose he is.

I feel that any description I were to offer of Danny now would be somehow be misleading, shocking, confusing, and it would be completely off-base. Although I have offered some explanation of him in the past, now knowing him better I feel that I can not even begin to describe him in a way that would do him any kind of justice. Just know this, in just a few months he has had more of a dramatic impact on my life in a positive way than any one single person I have ever known. He has changed me.

Stay tuned ;)

my not so Great Wall

2010-08-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

Poor neglected August, here it is the 7th and I have not yet written. My excuse? Still dealing with writer's block. And I have been in a slightly off mood lately possibly a result of physically not feeling so hot... :(. Oh well, life goes on.

So after a very fun weekend with my Minne lover, I spent the rest of the week getting together with Danny, meeting with my book club, and having coffee with a new friend. My new friend is a Japanese harmonica player who my other weekend house-guest fell in love with...I played matchmaker and "picked" her up on his behalf. She is a very sweet girl, but doesn't know a bit of English...I did manage to learn "ar-i-ga-toh", thank you, in Japanese. I also got her CD--blues and reggae--will make a great gift for my parents.

I am also very happy to say that a new member from my book club suggested we get together for dinner some night...she knows how hard it can be to meet new people and offered her company--how nice, I am so excited!

And then the Danny drama--yes there was a bit of drama. First of all, he was not thrilled that I had an ex-FWB in town--although we are "allowed" to see other people, it is only under the strictest don't ask don't tell policy. Ie if he knows about it, then it will change things and he wouldn't want to continue seeing me outside of platonic friendship. I talked him down from his worst-case cliff and I certainly learned my lesson--too much honesty can be a bad thing. We have been fine ever since, except for our minor tiff about him calling me "mean" and my not liking it. I think I reacted by picking a fight, the whole "well, if you think I mean then you shouldn't be spending time with me..." defense, and I then I sulked for a minute. My overreaction aside, it did bother me that he thinks that I am mean at times (okay, fine, I do not have the best phone demeanor), because I feel like I am probably trying to be witty and he is mistaking it as mean--how does he not get my sense of humor? And I will admit too that at times, I can be ever so harmlessly mean--it is a defense mechanism/Great Wall that I sometimes hide behind to protect myself against anything that I perceive could hurt me, like truth and reality.

What I am saying is that at times I resent Danny for his many "friends", his double standards, and his exhausting, complicated, honest assessment of the world and of people. Sometimes I hide behind my wall because around him I feel like a total idiot--I don't know a thing about anything--I don't know history, I don't know finance, I don't know mathematics, I don't know philosophy, I don't know politics or current events, I don't know anything about anything and I am watching listening to him go on and on about important things, and I am silent, unable to contribute with anything but my obvious and not at all endearing, naivety. I have banned him from meeting friends of mine as I am afraid that he is going to react to their intelligence and wonder what he is doing with me?

And yet another reason that I am occasionally "mean", more like guarded, is because I resent myself and the universe. I have tried so hard to define what I want for myself and my life, and I have worked like crazy to enhance my self-image to attract and be open to, but specific about, the kind of man and relationship I want. And what do I so naturally fall into? A glorified and repackaged FWB, the exact relationship I was trying to avoid. Does the universe really have that big of a sense of humor, or am I attracting these relationships because I secretly want them, because I think that I am only worth dating as an FWB, or because I am biding my time with them until Big comes around? Well, I know that last statement is not true any longer as I am really OVER Big, I know that I think I think I am worth really being with, I don't think I am secretly only wanting FWBs, and come on, the universe is not funny, it is full of shit.

So my take? I do not want the paper man, I want the perfect man. Unfortunately, what lies between the paper man and the perfect man is the FWB. So because I am rejecting the paper men, I am indulging FWBs because they are interesting and I think that they somehow get me closer to the perfect man.

Unfortunately, at the end I bet it will be the universe that is laughing and not me.

PS. At least Danny is opening me up to these new subjects and I am starting to develop an interest and curiosity in learning.

Just say yes?

2010-07-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

It seems that as my life has gotten busier, I have so much less to say--go figure. Let's see, in a one run on paragraph update, here is what's happening:

Danny and I stayed in on Sunday night where he protected my computer from all the bad in the world and tomorrow we have plans to go grocery shopping...wow, we are so domestic! Big is en route to Minne. Jordan is still en Europe. My stalker has agreed to pay for my plane ticket and two night hotel stay in NYC to visit him at the end of August. And last, My Venezuelan is coming to Chi for the weekend and staying chez moi.

Although it may seem like there are too many men in my playground, the truth is that I have been 100% honest with Danny, Big and my Stalker--they know where they stand and what my position is. Now, with Jordan and Venezuela, well, Jordan and I are not there yet, and Venezuela is pure recreation. When I do become serious with someone then I will gladly refrain from recreational hot men.

And I am still excited about Danny. Ironically, considering he is the most non-traditional man in every sense, he and I are in what I would consider to be the most "traditional" relationship that I have ever been in. It is really wonderful, and it is also very sad that I have never had that stability in the past. Danny is the first person outside of my dear old Dad, who has wanted to protect me--Danny tries to protect me in every way from making sure I lock my door properly, to checking my oil, to securing my computer, to teaching me how to cook healthy foods, to teaching me finance, to walking on the outside on the sidewalk, to never ever trying to take advantage of me or pressure me in any way. I consider myself to be extremely independent (although not by choice), but I have to say that I really appreciate his concern for my welfare...he cares. Which is why its kind of sad that he cares, but the fact will always remain that I could be anybody--it not so much me as it is that he and I are seeing each other--its really too hard to explain. I will continue to enjoy and keep my eyes open and doors locked!

And I have to admit that this NYC thing is bothering me. Since I met my Stalker 4 years ago he has made promise after promise after promise of things he would do for me. It started with a Gucci watch and then went to a Gucci watch encrusted with diamonds, and then to tires for my car, and then to tickets to NYC, and then a visit to Chi, etc, etc. The fact is that he has never followed through on anything, ever. Here's the thing, I am not the type of person who accepts generosities from men...I am the girl who if you buy me a drink at the bar, I will pay for the next round. I have never once accepted gifts from Stalker or really any other man. But the thing about it is that I am tired of Stalker's teasing. He needs to stop saying this stuff because it gets my hopes up and that is not fair to me. I am not trying to take advantage of him, he knows that, so why the tease?

So this last time I had had enough in a way. Okay, you want to pay for me to fly out to NYC, you're on, this is when I am coming. He said okay, said he would send me the money, said he would even stay with a friend instead of share my hotel. So, we are all set right? Well, I thought I could go through with it, but then as I clarified for the 100th time, this is platonic, don't expect anything to change. He said okay that's fine, but then he asked "why do you want to come?". And there my inability to accept gifts where I will feel indebted reared its ugly head. What are my intentions and can I honestly say they are with merit and integrity, I don't know.

Here is why I think I want to go to NYC. I want to go to NYC, I want to get out of Chicago, I have no money to do either, I want to see Stalker (even if it meant he came here, I would want to see him). But are those reasons enough to accept his generosity of what would amount to close to $600? I know he can afford it, and you know, maybe this time I just need to say yes. Darling readers, what do you think?

(And sorry for my less than stellar writing tonight--its that damn writer's block. Also possibly a symptom that I am happy and not such a tortured-single soul, at the moment anyway.)

A very single weekend

2010-07-24T18:52:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update as I have ample time. This has been the first weekend in months that I haven't had plans. I have spent the entire weekend alone, and I have to say that I am really enjoying it. Now I will see Danny tomorrow so I will avoid spending three days solo and will avoid slitting my wrists--kidding of course.

Not that this weekend hasn't been busy. It has been chock-full of emotional weight that started on Thursday night. Thursday night brought on an emotional conversation that was way overdue. I am glad that it happened as we were able to clear the air and come to terms with what is, but it did leave me a bit exhausted, and worse it left me a bit unmoved. I guess when you come to terms with accepting yourself, it is easier to let go of those that don't. Of course, it is still a loss, and as with any loss, feelings sometimes are too hard to put into words.

Then there was the conversation with Big last night--(details available in "what a girl doesn't want").

And then there is the fact that almost every conversation with Danny has a hot and a cold aspect to it. No, no, not every interaction with Danny leads to warm butterfly feelings and growth. Generally, spending time with him entails him talking and blithering endlessly on every topic imaginable, and him unintentionally lecturing me on certain truths. Truth be told I generally love every minute of his speeches as I now know so much I would have never known from why one shouldn't eat caviar to the exact details of Howard Hughes life and demise. He knows something about everything and I love it. But what I don't love is that I am always on the defensive around him. I feel like there is no reason he should like me and therefore I treat everything he says with a certain defensive guard. He likes me, so why can't I let it be? And obviously, I have to live with the fact that he likes me, but he also likes other people. I am special, but I am really not that special, I am attractive, but everyone has attractive qualities, I am interesting, but everyone is interesting in different ways, I am brave for moving to a new city, but everyone here is a transient, etc, etc. Now, to be clear, Danny says only the former statements and not necessarily the latter. He likes me, but it is me pointing out that he likes everyone so it doesn't really mean anything for him to like me. So I am defensive and I am trying my best to accept our relationship for what it is. But what if I fall in love with him? I might. He thinks I surely will.

Danny is so different from the man I initially thought he was. He is still a vulgar and inappropriate asshole, but he is in a way that is entirely informed. Every thing he says is premeditated and has specific, if not ironic, intent. His whole existence is centered around the idea of questioning everything--and he does and so his understanding of the world, the politics, the technology, the language, the everything has background in research. And he knows so much. And its scary. He is a genius in some ways, and I told him that I think that it is a little bit sad that he is being "wasted", he obviously disagrees and thinks that for him to do anything he would need multi-billions of dollars to affect change. His contribution therefore is to not have kids and to use as little resources (energy, etc) as possible. Yea, I could fall in love with him. That sucks.

Jordan texted me from Madrid yesterday. He is drinking Sangria and will let me know when he's back...very cute.

My Venezuelan facebooked and said he may be in town this weekend and he wants to go to the beach. (I kind of doubt he'll make it, but I probably shouldn't eat starting Wednesday, just in case)

And Big called again today. He was a bit less dramatic and said that he thought more about things and said that a lot of what I said made sense. We don't necessarily know each other anymore. And so he asked me on a date. That in it of itself is a huge step for him and I truly believe that it is without the air of manipulation. I think he genuinely wants to go on a proper date because we haven't gone on one since we were initially getting together. So yes, Big I will go on a date with you :).

what a girl doesn't want

2010-07-24T17:32:00.000-07:00

Big asked me to stop seeing other people. I said no. That is my life in a nut shell, and by the way, it seems my nut shell is covered in titanium as I feel completely unmoved by his plea and sudden attempt to be with me. As you may recall, a few weeks ago I finally admitted to him that I was seeing other people, nothing serious, just dating. He initially took it well. As the shock and surprise has worn off he is now very hurt and very aware of what this may mean for our us...like the reality that he and I may not have a present or a future.

I guess I appreciate the fact that he is suddenly afraid of losing me, but as I said, a part of me is completely unmoved. As I, perhaps cruelly, said to him, it feels like the SATC episode in which Carrie is moving to Paris with Alexandre and Big suddenly shows up. Exasperated, she says (and I am paraphrasing), "you always do this, its like you have some kind of radar, oh, Carrie's happy time to come in and shit all over it". I feel like my Big is doing the same thing--he can feel me slipping away, and so he is desperately reacting in order to keep ahold of me.

Anyway, I told him that I am not going to stop dating other people. And I finally said the unsaid, what if we have nothing in common, what if our values and our goals don't match, what if he only feels this way about me when things in his life aren't going well, what if he never finds financial stability, what if the love isn't enough, what if the love is gone? I said everything that has been left unsaid for so long, because it had to be said, our future depends on it. He took it pretty hard, he really didn't see it coming, he thought I loved him and I would be there and wait while he worked things out. I guess I led him the believe such.

Now with all of that said, the hardest part for me has been the guilt I feel around not feeling, well, anything. He is professing his love and desire for me and it leaves me completely unmoved. What I used to crave and need to hear, he is spoon feeding me willing to give in to all my desires. But I don't want to hear it, I find it inconvenient and burdensome. I guess I feel like I have moved on and I don't want to go back. Because I feel this way I feel incredibly guilty. How when I know the devastation I felt when he rejected me all those years ago, how could I possibly cause him that same pain? But I also need to be honest, and for the first time in my life, I have to put myself first.

While I certainly feel that way, I cannot not consider the possibility that I am making a huge mistake. I mean am I throwing away the possibility of being in a relationship with the only man I have ever truly loved, for Danny? Danny and I don't have a future, there is absolutely no possibility, sorry to disappoint you hopeful romantics, so how can I wager the possibility of it working out with Big for a man who will never meet my long-term needs. I cannot throw Big away for Danny. But, in a way its what I am willing to do. In the few short months I have known Danny he has changed me, inherently. I am not ready to give up a man who can change me and help me grow for someone who has been the ultimate reason behind my fear of rejection, my eroded self confidence, and my disillusioned feelings of self-worth.

So once again, no, I will not stop seeing Danny or any other guy. I want to know whats out there, I want to grow, I want to change, I want to flirt, I want to be fawned over, I want to be made to feel like I am special, I want to feel comfortable, I want to feel open, and I want to feel like anything is possible. I want so many things, and yet I really can't articulate what I definitively want in life. But I think I am getting closer to truly knowing. As I asked a friend of mine last night, how is it that she knows exactly what she wants out of life and I don't? Her response is that she has been able to define what she wants by first defining what she doesn't want. I guess that I can say for a fact that what I don't want is a relationship with Big because I feel obligated. As this wise woman also said, because I have chased after him for so long, it, him, the chase, has become my identity. And because it is part of who I am, I feel obligated to have him in my life and my future always. Big is not my identity at least any more--and as Danny says, what does identity mean anyway, true "identity" doesn't even exist.

To leave myself an out, I am not saying that there is absolutely no chance that Big and I will eventually work out, we may in fact. I just know that if he and I have any chance in the world, things will have to change. In the meantime I am happy to continue seeing Danny for right now, and I am happy to continue searching for someone new who can make my dreams come true. And by the way, I think that I am brave enough to say that I probably don't want the paper life, I tried it, but as I said, I am not the paper kind of girl.

the light side of the dark

2010-07-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

I did a very brave thing today. I cancelled my cable television! How am I possibly going to fill my time if not by watching hours and hours of Criminal Mind marathons?!? An intervention was surely needed. Too much murder.

With no more cable I will have ample opportunity to work-out, learn to cook, job search, apartment search, find myself, make a budget, create a bucket list, learn to make clothes, become a famous bra designer, and more! I know, I know, who am I kidding? I don't "work-out" and I sure don't cook outside of slicing cheese. So what am I really going to do with my time? Well, I will read, do some yoga, and hopefully actually find myself and my direction. Now that I am good at life and am growing more confident by the day, the possibilities are endless. Well that is what they say anyway.

Danny and I had this conversation last night as it were. The conversation was about limitations. He feels like there really are no limitations. Like if one loses an arm, they just learn to use the other arm better. He feels that power is endless, we just need to learn to make the best of our strengths.

While I am sure that to most of you Danny seems like kind of a creep--and he is, he is a completely vulgar, crude, antagonizing, dark, tortured, frustrating, don't introduce him to anyone you know, kind of guy, but he is also the most intelligent, most interesting, most considerate/caring, most informed, most consistent, and most honest guy I have ever known. He is changing me. How you may ask? Well, I am becoming more honest, I am trying to recognize and use my personal power, I am also starting to seek out information, and I am locking all of my door-locks, among many many other things. He really is changing me by making me curious and more safe.

There is one thing that he said that is kind of bothering me. He said that his biggest fear is that he will be wasting my time because what if during the time I am spending with him, I could be missing the opportunity to meet a guy who would make me happy. He will never ever be a guy who you could have an actual relationship with. Certainly not a guy who would do the marriage or children thing. He is just content as is. He wants to date as many people as he can--even at the same time. So he is a little afraid that I will become too attached and want things from him that he can't give me. I really think that he is most concerned for me, and not for him. And he knows that he is not going anywhere, at least probably not, so he will continue seeing me as we are for as long as I want.

Now the reason that I am annoyed is because somehow I have managed to take this kind intentioned comment to mean something else...like somehow he is saying that I am weak or naive or doing something wrong. I hate to feel like I am making a mistake. I feel like making mistakes makes you look bad. And I don't want to seem wrong here. So come on, I need to go on the defensive right? I have my eyes wide open so give me some credit.

Obviously, I am reading into his words which I am apparently not allowed to do as he says. So I guess I will take him at face value, that he is not trying to make me look bad, he is just acknowledging the obvious. I am not going to get what I want out of life, out of him. For someone so dark, he sure shows me the light. And he does have a very real and valid point. I answered him simply stating that if by knowing him I am becoming a better, more honest, more curious, more confident, and smarter me, then he is not wasting my time, not at all in fact because this better version of me will be able to attract and evoke the better version of those around me.

a late night party girl hook-up I am not

2010-07-16T16:28:00.001-07:00

In considering your very random communication I can tell you are not interested in knowing me outside of "late night". FYI not interested nor impressed. No need to contact me again. Best.

That dear readers is the text message I sent to 50th floor Jordan last night. Wow, this honesty thing is almost going to far, almost.

Our conversation followed as:
him: Are you referring to my call this eve??? I just called to say hello..not sure what is wrong with calling to say hello..
me: Obviously nothing. I can't figure your intentions, but a late night party girl hook-up I am not. A nice cocktail, a nice invite, that's a different story.
him: Ok your wish is granted! but you might have to wait a couple weeks or so for that nice cocktail invite because I might be going to Europe this weekend.
him: Ok?? Are we good? :)
me: Sure, let me know when you're back in town.

So what prompted this little exchange? Well, first let me remind you that I have not seen Jordan since our swim together over a month ago. Since our deep dive, sporadic late night texting and occasional calls have followed. And then there is last weekend when he asked me to hang out after a work dinner which would, at the latest, run until 11:00pm. I agreed (and cancelled on Danny) only after he reassured me it would most likely be earlier and not later. Obviously due to my strict you-must-cancel-on-me policy, it wasn't until 12:40am that he was available to hang out, and he still considered that to be early. Not in my world as I was in bed at 11:00pm. He was "sorry". I was pretty annoyed and mad but I let it go and said that it was fine. The next night he called me at 3:30am to see if I was still out?? Um, no. I then suggested that we try to get together for a happy hour during the week, and even directly invited him to one on Monday. He had "plans" on Monday and didn't bother to suggest an alternative date.

So I guess when he called at a normal 9:00pm last night I had high hopes. Instead he asked what I was up to, sounded disappointed when I said I was watching the news and not "out", and then let me go without the mention of future plans. Possibly on the slightly dramatic side, I sent him the afforescripted text.

Danny always tells me that I have a lot of power, I just don't use it. Instead I always let the guy take the lead and treat me however he so lazily chooses which always results in dating the same guys over and over again--guys who don't put in effort, guys who are sporadic and unpredictable, guys who are not interested in me outside of occasional FWBs. I am tired of that! And I need to be the one to take the control, assert my power, and change things!

No matter how much fun I have found dating to be, I really still am looking for that elusive "relationship". I crave the comfort and consistency a relationship can provide. Sure, it has been fun to spend time with Vegas, but it ultimately is just disappointing that he has not wanted to take it to the next level. I find that to be unacceptable and I am no longer so desperate that I need to try really hard and keep him interested out of boredom (as I did w/ CPA). Instead I am done with Vegas; which is fine as I really don't know if I can do paper after all.

And I am sad to say this, but even part of the novelty of Danny's and my "loverationship" has worn off. I find myself liking him too much and I find myself becoming frustrated when he can't hang out because he is hanging out with another "friend". Its like I am feeling these pangs of jealousy which are mild, but still I didn't expect them to be there at all. This is not to say that I would ever want to be in a true traditional relationship w/ Danny, he really is not of that quality, but I would prefer if he didn't have other "friends" and if he could occasionally spend the night. I am glad that I generally see him twice a week and that we talk every day--I guess there is comfort in that. As I told him on Wednesday, the reason I do like him is because he is making a very evasive and uncurious person by nature, honest and curious--and this honesty and curiosity is changing me.

the things we don't say

2010-07-09T15:15:00.000-07:00

Now more than ever I am seeing how honesty and disclosure are strengths and not weaknesses. As I said in a recent post, I felt like if I were honest about certain things in my life, then I would appear weak and imperfect. There is that word again, perfect. For you long-term avid followers, you know that appearance and perfection are consistent themes in my posts. I have always felt like appearing to be happy and perfect was far more important than actually feeling such. I think that I am not alone possibly in leading my life that way. The reality however was that I wasn't good at appearing like I had it all together, I was for awhile, but then things started going wrong and I started to overindulge in the drinking, partying, and one-night stands. But that all was okay wasn't it? I mean I was cool, I was busy, I was living. In reality I was drowning, a daily victim of regret, embarrassment, and diminishing self-esteem. And once again to offer up honesty, there in lies the reason that my moving to Chi-ville was absolutely necessary and the right thing to do.

It didn't always seem like the right thing to do. There were many days and times when I would say to my best friend, "I know that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, but I do not understand why I am here, I can't find the reason for it." Many months later I have my answer; and it wasn't my life coach or my financial coach or my spiritual growth that led me to my answers, it has been the peace I have started to find within that has left me with a new joie de vivre. This innerpeace has perpetuated itself through my ability to finally accept myself and my "flaws" and to love them each as they are. Feel free to roll your eyes here, to paraphrase my favorite Firth, I love me just as I am. In a way I have always loved me as I am, but because I was so sensitive and influenced by how other people have felt about me, I have often felt in the wrong, that my feelings didn't matter, and that it was okay if people treated me poorly because I clearly deserved it.

My blithering aside, my point is that I am learning a (several) lesson(s) much overdue: that it is okay to be honest, that showing vulnerability makes us human, and that we need to be who we are all the time and be proud of it and to hell with anyone who doesn't like us for us. For some of us the challenge is letting go of destructive relationships or draining friendships, for others it might be reaching out to our best friends and family risking difficult and uncomfortable conversations when we know we have to, and for some (including us single ladies) it might be having the courage and self-respect to state our relationship goals and objectives to possible matches and ask for theirs in return.

And by the way I need to get better at all three, most notably the last one as I have always lived and abided by a strict don't ask don't tell policy. I am going to do my best though, and in doing my best to be more open, I think that I can change my life and change the lives of those around me, even if just in a small way. And the reason I know this is because there is a friend of mine who has newly found strength in opening up and letting people in to see her life as it is, not as the mirage it seemed to be. What I mean is that to the outside world looking in her life was perfect, but in reality, for her, it was far from. Her bravery and vulnerability in opening up and letting people in to see her truth has been transforming to her, but also to myself in a way. I look at her and the trials and tribulations she is going through and I am moved, I am saddened, I am excited, I am inspired, I am speechless, and most of all I am proud and in admiration of her strength, bravery, courage, and heart. She is teaching me every day (and I am also teaching her), how to be proudly honest in life. Honesty with other people only comes after we are honest with ourselves.

To my friend: I love you, I support you, I admire you, and I am inspired by you, you are my making me a better me and I promise to help make you a better (happier) you.

Not so single weekend

2010-07-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

How do you date like a man? This single life is getting a little complicated--in a good way :).

So this weekend I have three, yes 3, dates lined up. I have set up 3 dates to fill up my 3 night weekend, Fri, Sat, and Sun. Friday I will be seeing Jordan, Sat night is reserved for Vegas, and Sunday night is promised to Danny (originally I was to see Danny Friday night but I had to bump him due to 50th floor). Wow, did I just officially turn into a guy?

I am not sure I can keep up this "guy" lifestyle, but it is certainly worth a try, I mean after all, what is the harm? Seems like a dangerous question as I am surely in dangerous territory.

The thing about it is that I like all three guys at least as much as the other. Not true, as I am partial to Danny due to our open relationship and mutual understanding. Spending time with him is easy. He and I are actually in a relationship, more like a loverationship. We are "lovers" (draw your own conclusions but this does not necessarily mean only the "sex"), and we are friends. We are in a loverationship as defined as a relationship in a proper sense, but with the freedom to see other people. For example, we talk almost daily as he has a genuine concern for my well-being (like I have to call him when I am safe after a plane ride or a 7 hour car ride, or he will call me if there is severe weather, etc.). He would adhere to proper family functions if I so permitted and he is not going to leave me or break things off ever. I will need to be the one to stop seeing him once I find the actual relationship that I am looking for. Once this happens he will be sad but as long as I treat the "end" with respect and dignity then he will always regard me favorably. Wow, this is really new to me. Both comfort and security possible with one guy? Crazy. Of course this is not the long term w/ a future relationship I am looking for, but he is adding value to my life and to my self-esteem.

Next I guess I am in favor of Jordan. Not only do I like the view of Chicago from his balcony, but he has the culture, joy of travel, appreciation for fashion, and accent that I so love. It is darling. Unfortunately, this Jordan version of my Venezuelan is all about the party and not about the relationship.

Last I am in favor of Vegas. I can't really tell if I do or do not like him. I have had to do all of the recent texting and suggesting to make a date. He is a good guy but very very paper with good enough written all over him. I do like him despite that, and I am looking forward to seeing him.

So there you go. A single girl does Chicago like a man.

Honestly, more honesty

2010-07-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

Honesty is catchy. My full disclosure with Danny left me craving more honesty and these feelings were on my side a few days ago when I broke the news to Big that I was seeing other people. This was after he broke the Big news that he was moving back to the Minne.

I should be experiencing feelings of devastation, sadness, a broken-heart, and regret right now, but instead, I really don't feel much of anything. Not true, I feel proud of myself for telling him a lot of the truth, and I also feel proud of myself for not retracting, caving, or trying to "get him back". I successfully and once again, broke up with Big.

He was laid off from his LA job which is very disappointing. There was not enough work and he was the least senior member, so unfortunately, he was the one to go. He is handling it okay, even a bit cheery as he would like to get out of CA. But as I told him, if he really wants to see his dream come true, then he should do what he can to stay and make it happen.

That was one Big surprise, the other is the fact that Big considered us to be in a relationship and not seeing other people. Um, news to me considering we talk with the frequency of a full moon. I knew that he allegedly wasn't seeing anyone else as he was too busy. But I guess it surprises me that he actually thought that I was okay with that kind of relationship and that I wasn't going to see anyone else. I guess this must have been a product of my inability to articulate what I want, or what my expectations are. Instead, I didn't really care what he thought we were doing, I had my cake and ate it to, if that phrase applies.

So my news about seeing other people came as a surprise to him, but he took it well, a bit too well even. He knows that I am right. I mean how do you have a relationship with someone who live 2000 miles away and whose definition of a "relationship" is so completely different from your own? You don't. Every day that passes I get better and better at understanding who I am and what I want. I am no longer basing my self worth on him and I haven't for a long time. It is time that I am honest with myself and with him, we are not right for each other, we cannot make each other happy, and love has got nothing to do with it. So as I told him, I am seeing other people, I have moved on with my life.

And because I was on a roll and why not? I faced my Stalker. You may recall my Stalker (played by Terrence Howard) is totally in love with me and desperately wants to marry me and have a family. I entertained the idea, tried to buy in, but ultimately knew that I would never be able to go through with marrying a man I had no feelings for. I am not that big of a liar and I am certainly not cruel. So in an extremely cowardly fashion, I stopped talking to him about 6 months ago without so much as an explanation. I just stopped answering his calls. We were talking about once or twice a week at the time so my absence was noticed and very hurtful. I was wrong, I was awful, I just couldn't face him. I couldn't face having the conversation where I would have to tell him that I don't have any feelings for him and that I never ever will. It almost seemed kinder not to say it, but lets be honest, the reason I didn't want to say it is because I would have felt uncomfortable, not out of concern for him.

To make things right I called him. I told him I was sorry and that I was wrong. I then was honest and told him the truth, that we did not have a future. He really is a good and calm person who has had more hardships in his life than anyone should. He said that he understood, that he wasn't mad at me, and basically that he is not going anywhere, he will wait until I change my mind. Um! Wrong answer! I restated that I won't change my mind, but in his mind there is a chance I might. He really doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to be with him. He would treat me well, give me anything in the world I want, let me do whatever I want, let us live anywhere I want, etc, etc. He would do anything to make me happy and according to him, other guys will just use me. He pleads a good case, but I am not ready to settle for good enough, I may settle for a colored paper life in the end, but I will not settle for good enough because I can't fake it. Now, I didn't tell him all that per se, it seemed kinder not to.

I like me. There, I said it.

2010-07-06T16:39:00.001-07:00

I have been suffering from a desperate case of writer's block as of late, so I do apologize in advance if this piece is not up to par. Unfortunately, my writer's block has resulted in a big build up of very juicy singleformation. I will do my best to bring the six of you up to speed :)

Danny and I had a very very very revealing conversation a few weeks ago in which I surprised myself and went full disclosure and soberly shared with him a very guarded part of myself. Like very guarded, something I have never shared with another man and have only shared with a few close girlfriends. (Now because I am being vague I will say that its not a unique life threatening secret by any means, nor is it weird so don't worry!). The reason I went full disclosure is not because we were having an intense intimate conversation or anything, actually, I finally came clean to stop him from pestering me. I had had enough and was tired of being coy and evasive and he sure was not letting up, so I said to hell with it, I don't care, here is what you want to know...I answered his question.

I HATE questions! Rather, I hate certain types of questions that are about me because I don't really care to talk very much about myself (I'm sure my friends would disagree). I think that there are probably a lot of reasons for my guardedness mostly stemming from insecurities and fears about being judged, and partially stemming from my distaste for people who share TMI. Whatever the reasons are, I have always found it very difficult to open up to people until I know them very well, and I have never ever been able to open up and be honest with a guy. Hello, remember CPA where I couldn't even ask him if he liked me for fear of rejection? I have always equated telling the truth and being vulnerable as signs of weakness, not of strength. This seems to be backwards thinking in retrospect. Unfortunately, being uncomfortable talking about myself does not usually make for a great first impression as it makes me seem very closed off, guarded, impersonal, standoffish, snobbish, shy, and unfriendly.

So back to his question. I did not want to provide an answer because I felt like if I told him the truth, it would make me look bad. You may have caught on to this, but I have been working furiously hard all of my life to appear like I am (please get ready to roll your eyes) perfect. Not perfect perfect, but perfect as it would be considered by society, perfect as in what I would consider my perfect version of myself to be. By answering I let him in and slowly but surely, he is getting to know the real me, not the me I try to pretend I am.

The remarkable part is not that I was honest and told the truth to appease him, the remarkable part is that I felt comfortable telling him something personal. For the first time in my life, I feel completely at ease being myself around a guy. I am letting him see me and all of my, what I consider to be, flaws. And guess what, he likes me anyway, despite my flaws, and he doesn't even consider them to be flaws, and in some cases, he likes me more because of them. I get to be myself and I like that because I like me.

A perfect cast

2010-06-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

A recent cocktail conversation with my Chi-mate turned into us casting our lives with famous celebrities (you know in case my Single in the Chi tale catches on and gets turned into a movie or something--LOL). And certainly it is time to provide you all with some yummy visuals--this will make reading my story all the more fun for you.

Now, before going any further I need to explain that I chose these celebrities because they most resemble the people in my real life based on their physical appearance. Also, I must note that sadly, my real people are not quite as hot.

Chicago--Played by Chicago :)

Me--Blake Lively (I am absolutely nowhere near as hot or as blond as she is, but its my movie and I can do what I want to! LOL)

Chi-mate--Isla Fisher (but less ditsy, and btw her boyfriend is Tom Cruise)

Big--an Irish Chris Martin from Coldplay

My Venezuelan--Benjamin Bratt, very sexy!

My stalker--A younger Terrence Howard

Danny--a Mexican Andy from Weeds

Vegas--Matthew Perry

Jordan--an Arab Kal Penn (very hot)

So there you go, these are the people in my dating life. I am a bit stumped for words tonight so stay tuned, there will be more to come on this :)

And so it goes

2010-06-25T04:52:00.001-07:00

And so it goes. My happy momentum has started to hit a wall and has in turn, turned down-hill. Hopefully this is just a fluke and the next week will feel better, which it should as I get to see the two loves of my life, my niece and nephew :). Happy thoughts.

Honestly, I have not felt quite right since Monday's swimtime. Courtesy of that damn intuition I knew that night that I wasn't Ms Right for Mr Perfect. For some reason I just feel very disappointed about this, not necessarily about him per se, but about yet another guy not working out. Why is it so hard? On top of that, Vegas has not called all week and its probably because I imposed that strict hands off policy...I guess you are damned if you do, damned if you do a little, and damned if you don't at all, I've done all three and at least I can argue that one isn't worse than the other any longer. No no Jordan no Vegas, am I back to one?

Being back to one isn't the worst thing in the world, after all, as the universe has proven, once you make room in your life then that allows room for others to enter, so crossing my fingers. I think what I am starting to really notice and feel sad about is my Chi-BFFs absence, she is gone and so is part of my spirit. I miss her, and instead of being able to fill my time talking, sharing, laughing, analyzing, empathizing, supporting, cheering, and celebrating with her, I am back to doing that alone, and have some how found these guys to serve as a distraction from, not an answer to, that void. Now Darling Chimate, don't feel sad reading this, I only bring it up to show that its not the void of the 2 missing men I need to worry about filling, its the void of my chimate that I need to fill, I need a girlfriend. I guess I need to take a time machine back to January and restart my self-exploration process and find my new interests, and in new interests hopefully I can find a new friend. XOXO.

From paper to perfect...

2010-06-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

I went for a late night swim with Mr. Perfect Jordan last night :). I took a trip to Brazil last Saturday and then fasted for two days in order to be Trina Turk bikini ready. And shockingly, I actually felt that I was bikini ready, sans the slimming tan. I was probably invisible to Jordan as my skin is nearly translucent. Chi-town does not have any sun! I went directly to Jordan's after work and once again fell in love, not exactly with him, but with his 50th floor view of the downtown skyline. Incredible, breathtaking view. I am actually having a bit of a hard time separating my feelings for him, from my feelings for his apartment. TBD, at least I hope.

At least I hope because I felt that there was something a little missing from our date last night. To be fair, he was fresh home from a very crazy weekend in a very crazy place so he was a bit, and admittedly so, mellow. I like mellow, I am actually mellow all of the time, sometimes I am so mellow I resemble a corpse. He on the other hand is generally high-energy. Mismatch? Anyway, he is a great conversationalist so he kept the convo moving, mostly revolving around himself, which as you now know, is fine with me as I do not like talking much about myself. In this case I feel even less like talking about myself because for the first time possibly ever, I feel like I am not good enough, like my apartment isn't good enough, my things aren't good enough, my clothes aren't good enough, my education isn't good enough, my job isn't good enough, my social life isn't good enough, my experiences aren't good enough, etc, etc. I have never felt so inadequate and just to be clear, its not that he makes me feel this way, not at all (in fact, for a guy like him to still call me after he saw me "the next day" for an extended period of hangover hanging out, I give him a lot of credit and think he's a bit nuts!). So its not that he makes me feel inadequate, it is more so his living the life that I envision myself living, that makes me feel entirely inadequate and a bit like a failure. There I said it.

For my regular readers you may recall that I have mentioned before that I just kind of let life happen to me. I went to the easiest and biggest school near me because I didn't want to fill out college applications, I often skipped class and rarely ever studied and easily achieved a respectable GPA, I was given several promotions at my job not by trying exactly but by being naturally good at my job. I honestly have never had to try very hard to get by in life. Obviously, my efforts to find Mr. Right have not followed in suit. I live a great life but could I have had the life I really wanted, the life that Mr. Perfect and all of the other YPs living in his building have, had I had more ambition? Probably yes, and that my friends makes me feel inadequate.

Taking a life lesson from a very good friend, I can either choose to settle for a Good Enough paper life, or I can try to make the life I want happen. It is up to me, it is not up the random fate of meeting a guy already leading this life. You cannot rely on others to make you happy, instead (and I really hate this) we have to make ourselves happy.

Back to Jordan, he and I had a nice, very low key evening, but I didn't feel any "sparks" and I didn't feel like he was in-to-me per se. The first couple of nights we spent together, I definitely felt the sparks, so was this an anomaly, or was this a sobering honest encounter? I really really hope he calls again, and if he doesn't then I am going to try very hard not to let it devastate me too much. After all, feeling "inadequate" and aspiring to a different lifestyle is much different than feeling "worthless". I assure you, I am not worthless, in fact, I am worth far more than paper, but that darlings, is something that I need to prove and earn myself.

A perfect Brazilian

2010-06-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

I have had a very indulgent, and overdue weekend. I indulged in pain--the pain of a Brazilian and the pain of a Facial. As my new BFF at the Salon told me, "well, its not going to kill you". Tears aside I bravely endured these services, and let me tell you, the price of beauty is very expensive. Now, my new BFF is one excellent sales person: I went in for a routine (okay its been 2 years) bikini wax and within 30 minutes I had taken a trip to Brazil, my eyebrows were shaped, and I had an appointment for a much needed custom facial at 10:00 the next morning. She said she wanted to make me perfect. Its going to take a lot more than hot wax to turn me into the perfect version of me, but I wonder am I ready to try?

Now perfect is a term I use lightly. I do not use it to insinuate that I want to be the most perfect person in the entire world by any traditional standard. Instead, I use it to mean that I want to be the most perfect version of myself according to myself. Obviously this idea of perfection correlates directly to personal goals and to the idea of achieving the elusive happiness. I hate the idea of goal setting as I rarely have much follow through...but maybe I am ready to be my better version. A few of the better version goals I want to accomplish:

-Diet and exercise. This is a big one as I am a very low energy person--if I ate right and exercised I would probably feel as a whole, a lot more awake, energetic, and positive.
-Beauty maintenance. I was way overdue for my wax jobs, and I really have never invested in healthy skin...I want to routinely take care of both as I think it will improve my overall confidence.
-Friendships. I want to develop new friendships, foster and cultivate my current friendships, and make peace with ghosts of friendships past.
-Interests. I want to develop new interests such as cooking or art or dance classes or sports or ... I want to be busy and active by developing and participating in new outlets.

Anyway, these are just a few of the areas in my life that I want to improve. There are surely more as I have a lot of work to do in my overall job satisfaction and financial health, but all good things come in time. Good things have come my way and I am feeling very happy. And not to brag but Jordan just called via his vacation destination and invited me over tomorrow night after work. Yea!

Now my life is on what I consider to be an upswing, but ask me 7 months ago and I was experiencing a desperate and lonely low. Today, two things I know for sure, everything is cyclical, and everybody goes through these either happy or stressful or difficult times. I think that the best way to get through our good times and our bad is to surround ourselves with people who care about us, and to reach out and celebrate or commiserate or silently comfort and to always love one another. That investment in soulmates is the completion of a perfect self. XOXO.

A smiling single girl

2010-06-19T18:08:00.001-07:00

Alright you anxious readers you, here is the update in the fabulous life of one single Chi-girl. I have had a fantastic week albeit incredibly busy with work. The highlight: Wednesday afternoon when my crush, Jordan, texted me to say hi and that we should talk next week (you see, I was out of town for a few days and he is now out of town for a few days so he was planning ahead...:)). I have had a smile on my face ever since, and I am even smiling right now :). And I can't stop smiling because I really like this guy, like really :) :). I don't want to say too much or get too excited because I am a little afraid of liking someone who is not paper. The reason being is that it was one thing to get rejected by a guy who is paper, and a completely different thing to be rejected by a guy you really like. Both rejections suck but in different ways. Rejection by paper guys is annoying and avoiding rejection turns the whole relationship into a kind of cat and mouse game. A rejection by a "perfect" guy is incredibly disappointing, it results in a bit of a blow to the ego, and it spirals one into the always present question from hell, "do I really need to just settle for Mr Good Enough, Mr Paper?".

And, I spent the night last night with Vegas. We went out to my favorite blue margarita bar in my hood and then to a few other places. I invited him to stay the night but with one rule: hands off! I am so so mean. I guess the thing about me is that I need to feel very attracted to someone to want to engage in relations and I am just not there yet with Vegas. He is a great guy--very nice, very very positive and happy, attractive, considerate, generous, gentlemanly, employed, talks on the phone, easy going, even a good kisser, etc, etc, etc, etc. You can pretty much put a check mark next to every box you have on your list, he's great. And, I think he even likes me. But something is missing for me--possibly that X-factor or the good ole chemistry. I guess what I am trying to figure out is, even if this paper man is great!, available, and into me, does that mean that he is the right guy for me? At what point do you sacrifice the zsa zsa zsu and accept good enough? Darlings, this is to be determined as I do like Vegas and I do intend to keep seeing him.

I have not seen Danny in about a week but I have talked to him almost every day. I have come to regard Danny as someone who I just like knowing. For example, I can call him anytime for anything and he will talk...I called him from the airport yesterday and he gave me a full weather report and reasons why my plane was delayed. He is so multi-dimensional and intelligent that sometimes I just like listening to him ramble. And, he likes me. He is boosting my self esteem and confidence because he is so open with his feelings about me...like compliments. Now receiving compliments from guys I like happens very rarely...Vegas has yet to compliment me with a "you look nice", Big did sporadically, CPA NEVER did, and cute Jordan gave me a "you look fine" (understandable considering I was that aforementioned hungover hooker) and Jordan also commented how very sexy I looked in my very LBD. Danny is the only guy (okay outside of my stalker) who constantly gives me compliments, and ladies, although we are often too prideful to admit this, we need to hear why we are special. We need it. And apparently he needs it too as he keeps saying how he absolutely cannot figure out if I like him or not. This is due to the fact that I have also implemented a hands mostly off policy toward him as well. I expect to see Danny tomorrow we'll see what happens.

And Big. Yes Big is back in town (well only metaphorically), he has been really good about calling, like on a weekly basis. He must be able to sense my emotional distance as yesterday he was laying the always endearing baby and I miss yous on kind of thick. I love Big, I will always love Big, but I feel very past him. When I gave up my "3" I gave up my 3.

I am one busy, smiling single girl. XOXO.

The plot thickens

2010-06-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

And just when I thought everything was going very well and I was coming to terms with and even accepting the kind of guy society deems I should settle and be in a paper relationship with, I meet the perfect guy. Perfect as in he meets all of the initial qualities that I would look for in a guy and his lifestyle is exactly what I would like for mine to be. He is my aspirational man, the man I aspire to be with on every level, but the type of man that I have always been too afraid of failing to attract. Wow, he is my list guy, in person. Now I guess I really should be excited about this new list man, after all, he brings my count back up to 3, however I am a bit more realistic than that. You see, liking someone, a lot more often than not, leads to heartache.

I met this perfect guy at my chi-mate's going away dinner. We had just walked into a very chic rooftop bar and I met who we'll call Jordan. We started talking and offered to buy me a drink. He was attractive and personable. My friend and her friends then decided to leave and I was left in the hands of this perfect man. He was even having a little drama himself that night which I somehow helped diffuse. I ended up spending the night platonically, well cuddly anyway (old habits). In the light of day he was extremely attractive, well-educated, had a great job, great furniture, great view of the city, and most importantly he is one of the nicest and most considerate guys I have ever met. And I am not even talking about the way he treated me...his friends were visiting and the way he interacted with them was entirely charming. He cooked breakfast and invited me to stay and hang out...and the odd thing is that I actually agreed. Me in my silk tank and printed short skirt, ratty (seriously ratty) hair, and last night's leftover make-up, actually spent the day. Now I have absolutely no idea why he would have wanted to see me again after I spent the day looking like a hung-over hooker, but he did and he invited me to a party w/ his in-town friends that night. I redeemed myself in my sexiest LBD and we had a great night. He made several comments about hanging out again, but I am going to play it safe and wait and see. He seems like such a great guy, very smooth temperament, very happy, very low-key, a bit endearing...a really good catch! Either way, I am one lucky lady to had an entirely perfect weekend!

Now, I am glad to have met my perfect guy, but I am also a bit disappointed as to what this means for Danny and Vegas. Now that I know that there are guys out there who represent the life I want, do I still need to settle? After spending more time w/ Danny I realize that I might like him, but I only like him because he is fun to hang out with and very interesting...I fear I do not have any actual feelings for him. And with Vegas, the paper man, I feel disappointed. I like hanging out with Vegas, he is fun, he is considerate, he is easy going, but once again, I do not feel like I have the right kind of feelings for him. I want to feel excited and physically attracted to someone! I don't want to settle for not having those feelings just because someone is there and available.

This has all gotten so complicated, but I will say that I am having so much fun doing things and going on dates. It is getting a bit ridiculous though as I am having to double book nights, and avoid answering the "who did you do that with" question. I am turning into a man, a very well-intentioned one at least!

Chi-mate, soulmate

2010-06-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am saying goodbye to my Chi-soulmate. My darling friend is bravely taking the next step in her life, moving to the people-stealing state of, you guessed it, California. I could not be more genuinely happier for her. She deserves the absolute best and her absolute best is waiting for her in the Cali. She is proof positive that love and a colored paper life, does exist.

And, as I am fighting back tears to write this, she is also proof positive that soulmates exist. One of my favorite SATC episodes was when Carrie questioned whether or not "soulmates" exist. Now, if we listen to society, we are meant to believe that soulmates do exist, there is that perfect person out there who completes you. As you get older and as you experience life, you realize that Hallmark is full of shit. Soulmates, in the traditional men/woman variety, only exist for the very lucky few, so don't hold your breath. Now my Chi-friend was a lucky one and she found a soulmate in her Cali-partner.

I am also a lucky one as I have found a soulmate in her. You see the reason I like the SATC episode so much is because it admits the possibility that you can have the traditional (I hate that word) soulmate experience with a life-partner, but you can also have that sort of soulmate connection with anyone and any relationship. Obviously, and as reiterated in the disaster that was the 2nd movie, the SATC girls are each other's soulmates. If I were to take and interpret these definitions, I would consider a soulmate to be defined as someone who "gets" you, and you get them inherently. Now this is my derived definition, for others it may be differnet.

I suppose my point is this: I consider my Chi-friend to be a soulmate because the frienship she and I have created is based on experience, respect, commonality, compassion, admiration, acceptance and love. We've only been friends for about six months, but in those six months she has changed my life. Again, tears.

I am also very lucky that I can say that I have a few friends back in the Minne that I also consider soulmates. What I have had a hard time accepting is that not all friendships, no matter the "longevity" are of (again, my definition) the "soulmate" variety. I have lost a lot of friends over the years, people who I really loved and appreciated but who ultimately decided that our friendship wasn't worth it. For a single gal, accepting this rejection is the ultimate in pain. But, what I have learned as I develop new friendships and unwillingly say goodbye to old ones, is that it is better to have a few friends who are soulmates and who get you inherently, than to have a long list of "friends" where the relationship is more obligatory than fulfilling.

I suppose in closing I will say that I am blessed for the friends that I have that I consider to be my soulmates, I am grateful for the friends that I have that are mutually enjoyable and respectful, and I am glad to have had the chance to have known the friends that I no longer have a relationship with. Truth be told, every single one of these friendships changed me, and truth be told, no matter what category these wonderful people fell into, I love them the same, and I wish them the best.

And to my soulmates, you are my life.

And to my Chi soulmate, I am on my way!

My paper life

2010-06-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

My Chi-Bestie and I had an intriguing discussion yesterday while eating organic pizza and listening to the cheering Blackhawks fans across the street. Our topic: the paper man. The paper man feels nostalgic to me as it brings back memories of my childhood where I regularly used to play with paper dolls. The fun of these flimsy cutouts was that you got to dress them in different paper clothes and then they would go on paper dates, they would paper make-out, then they would go paper shopping, buy more paper clothes, go on more paper dates, and then paper get married, paper have kids, and paper live happily ever after. If paper life is so fun, then why are we so resistant to having a paper life with a paper man?

You know paper men, the guys who are good on paper--successful, intelligent, value-oriented, likable. Paper men provide their often paper women with very paper lives. Now, (as I often say so as to not offend my 5 followers), to be clear, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with paper men nor paper lives. I might think that there is something wrong with paper women, however, I will choose not to explain further. But as our conversation last night contended, we (she and I and many others) are not usually attracted to or interested in the paper man, and in my experience, the paper guys are usually not that into me. Whew, I must not be a paper woman.

I sort of qualify a paper life as a traditional life...a word I seldom find myself relating to. If I were a traditional girl then I would have went to all of my HS formals, I would have met my husband junior year in college, we would have gotten married 1 year after we graduated school, and right now I would be nursing a 4 month old...at least that is what all of my HS facebook friends are up to. Traditional, paper, and generic, and I am assuming happy. Now because my life did not follow in that specific order I have assumed its because I am not a traditional girl. I would always choose city life over suburbs, a nanny over stay-at-home mom, fashion, events, and cocktails over soccer carpools, and a an interesting and passionate partner over a boring CPA. I would always choose a colorful three dimensional life over a paper life.

Now, as I have gotten older and as I have become wiser, I realize that I may have been wrong all along. What I thought I wanted was excitement and passion, but now I realize that what I want is a companion, an equal, love born out of friendship, and shocker, possibly a family. Understanding that my priorities have changed is one thing, getting myself to act on these priorities is another. For example, I am currently juggling one paper man (Vegas) with one (multi)dimensional man (Danny), less I forget to mention my absent man (Big). Now, I know that in order to get closer to getting what I want, I need to date the men who will be able to provide that and give up the men who cannot. The good news is that I think I am getting closer, I have a second date(!) with Vegas this Saturday night.

My name is Single in the Chi and I want a paper man, and with my paper man I want to build a colorful paper life...after all, I might become paper, but at least I will be colorful paper.

Confessions of a "dangerous" girl

2010-06-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

Confession time. I have been seeing more of Danny. I like him. I don't like him in a long-term potential husband kind of way, I like him as in he is a fun and interesting guy who I enjoy spending time with, despite his eccentricities and paranoid behavior. And with my very best Chi-friend relocating at True Love's request to the West Coast, I am in desperate need of at least someone on my social calendar.

Danny from the beginning has been very upfront that he is a loner and is really not a one-woman man or a "relationship" guy. Alright now, calm down, I am not going into this thinking I can or want to change him, I am going into this purely for friendship and you guessed it, benefits. Social benefits (get your heads out of the gutter!) And there haven't even been any other benefits at all outside of little pet kisses and neck nibbling. Danny is being extremely patient and obliging and letting us take things at my pace. Its nice that he is not being manipulative or assumptive, just patient. How strange!

Now, I know that there are not many reasons for me to like him, very few in fact. But in the same respect, I feel like there are very few reasons for him to like me. As I said he is somewhat of an intellectual--he has a lot of opinions but only about things that he has studied and researched, which is a lot of weird things. His brain works in such a strange, inexplicable way and his articulation often leaves me in the dark. It is very intriguing.

So I asked him last night what it is that he likes about me? From everything he says, I kind of feel like I should be the last person he would like...I consider myself naive, oblivious, uninformed, innocent, shy, complacent, and private. Especially around certain types of people, I take on a kind of quiet wall-flower persona. Almost like I am afraid to say what I think in case it paints me in a negative or unattractive light. Like I am protecting myself from judgement by not putting anything out there to be judged. Very backwards I realize, and the truth is that I am reasonably smart and informed, and I can even be articulate at times. But it is my fear of rejection that keeps me quiet.

Danny is very complimentary and he told me he likes me because I am "hot", endearing, and there is a loneliness to me that felt kindred to him. He also likes that I am not desperate, I don't need people, I like them but I don't need them. And, he is very good at the backhanded compliments, by the way. Like how he likes my eyes but thinks they have some "evil" in them. In fact, he said that from the first time he met me he feels like something bad is going to happen to him because of me...he can't quite put his finger on what it will be, but its a feeling. Part of his paranoia I'm sure is obsessing about intuition and prediction. Obviously I don't know what the hell he is talking about, but it is intriguing. And he doesn't say things to be mean or scary, he just says them. And remember, I only catch probably 60% of his actual message or meaning...my inference can therefor be slightly skewed.

Alright that's my confession. I like crazy, vampire Danny. He likes me.

Now, obviously I would drop Danny in one hot minute if it meant having a real relationship with an average guy like Vegas. Vegas and I had a great date, but I will be cautiously skeptical as a result of my dating history...good, successful and average guys usually don't like me, and to be fair, its not like I am ever head-over-heals for them either, but as I said, I am all in and I am putting my best legs forward.

a first date

2010-06-05T16:21:00.001-07:00

Saturday night, date night. We are going out to a Mexican place that serves great Tacos--and hopefully great margaritas. Although I wrote not too long ago as to what was a proper Saturday night date outfit, I had some trouble getting ready tonight. You see, while I do believe it should be preferred to wear a skirt or dress on a Saturday date, I selected jeans fearing that "first" dates need to be considered carefully. So, I am wearing black skinny jeans (shocking), a low cut grey Stella McCartney top, a push-up bra, and my black MJ sandals. As was pointed out to me several months ago, I should be wearing color, unfortunately outside of one hot pink Lacoste top, I do not own any :(. To be remedied someday.

I have spent all day reading that damn book and have gained a lot of new insights into dating, standards, deal-breakers, expectations, and you name it. Yes, I did want to throw the book at the wall at certain points. Like when the author actually had the nerve to suggest that Samantha was too self-centered and selfish, in the first SATC movie, for choosing herself over a relationship with a great guy. DUH! Um, author, the entire character Samantha is based around a woman who does not want marriage or a serious relationship of any kind. Please, author of book, maybe you could do some research before blasting a TV series you never watched.

Anyway, outside of that error, the book does pose some interesting points. Too many points actually to cover in this blog. It will take me several days to absorb, digest and analyze these regurgitated, repackaged philosophies. For tonight, in honor of a first date, I will summarize the "What first dates really tell us" portion of the book. Basically, a first date is not a reflection of the long-term potential of a match. We should not be judging a guy on a first date, and as long as the date was okay, then we should go on a second date. Sounds about right, right? I assure you, I have always said yes to a second date to anyone who has asked, I have even said yes to a third and fourth hoping to spark a connection with these good guys. Unfortunately, there are some people you can go on a million dates with and it won't change how you feel about them. The book just says that you should at least try, and I have, so I guess I win on that point.

Now onto a first date which I sincerely hope leads to a second date.

Mr Good Enough

2010-06-03T17:10:00.000-07:00

One of my very favorite girlfriends fed-exed me a new must-have dating book that her other token single-girlfriend raved about. The title of this book: "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for MR Good Enough". Um, excuse me book, but did I read your appalling, assumptive, prehistoric, insulting, infuriating, and threatening title correctly? Frankly, I'd rather settle for a Mr Goodbar, than a Mr Good Enough.

Now I would like to think that my darling girlfriend had only the best intentions, but I am sort of skeptical as the last article she sent me almost moved me to de-friend her on Facebook. That article: "Don't date like a SATC' Carrie Bradshaw." This poorly researched blasphemy, written by a Stepford robot who married her cousin in high-school, failed to get the comic genius and true emotion behind Carrie Bradshaw. I honestly couldn't get past the first two paragraphs due to outrage, but the gist was that Carrie portrayed herself as a needy and pathetic stalker, and men don't like women like that.

Now does my kind-intentioned friend really think that I am on the verge of becoming so needy, pathetic, and stalking that I must settle immediately for a guy, any guy, dare I end up alone? Well, I assure you she indeed does not view me that way, nor would she encourage me to settle even if it meant saving my own life. However, the pure coincidence of her gesture has certainly given me inspiration.

As I have eluded to in the past I do have a Mr Good Enough guy out there. His name is (my) Stalker (seriously), and he is very much in love with me. I met him almost 4 years ago, and I immediately had absolutely no interest in him whatsoever. He was not at all my type, and he was very very boring. Knowing that he was a good guy I gave it a shot and we went out for about three months. I promptly stopped seeing him after he cancelled on my birthday due to the rain. Actually not true, I continued seeing him and tried desperately to will myself to fall in love. It didn't happen. I have maintained a sporadic friendship with him ever since.

Again, I will reiterate that he surely must have been a good enough guy. He is successful, honest, loving, generous, wants a family, he loves me for me, and he would do anything in his power to make me happy and to make my dreams come true. In the first few months of living here in Chicago he proposed marriage to me. There was no ring and he was 700 miles away on the East Coast, but it was a proposal all-right. One day I actually bought the "settling for Mr Good Enough" idea and decided that I would agree to marry him. I stopped into Tiffany, picked out my Tiffany-cut 1.5 carat diamond and walked down the street feeling happier and more elated than ever before. I was getting married! Then reality caught up with me later that night when I talked to him on the phone. Our conversation was so desperately, painfully grey and boring that I realized once again that I would never be able to develop the right kinds of feelings for him, and that I could never love him the way he deserved to be loved.

See the thing that people fail to understand is that it is not unrealistic expectations, high-standards, or "pickiness", that prevent single girls from finding their Mr. Right. The truth is that these single girls are holding out for the four letter word followed by the other four letter word. TRUE LOVE. We are told as girls that we can have it all, a career, a family, and true love. The problem is not that we reject Mr Good Enough because he is only good enough. We reject him because we are not in love with him and we have too much integrity, character, and class to fake it. Mr Good Enough deserves better.

Now, that I have had my tantrum, I look forward to actually reading this book. I better read it in private as it is sure to make me so angry that I will end up throwing the book at something, rather than someone. Happy reading :)

Go Blackhawks!

2010-06-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

Now who in the heck is calling me during Criminal Minds? Yes, yes, I am celebrating my 1 year anniversary in by catching up on some good old Derrek. And I am also celebrating by booking my Saturday night with a date! And, not only is it a date, but it is a "bite to eat" date!

So who is this new mystery man? Well, I am embarrassed to admit this, but I met another guy at Danny's. I guess this hot-mess of a bar is in love with me. Really. Like how a few weeks ago the girl I met at Danny's went to one of my stores to get fit because "her friend (me)" told her to :). Since I already have a "danny" I will call this new man Vegas (will explain later, (or not)). So Vegas stood in line with us on the way to get into Danny's and then he irritatingly didn't leave our side for what felt like, all night long. In a nut shell I would consider him to be an "All-American" guy--likes sports, golfs, has lots of friends, has a job/career, has a degree, likes his family, etc, etc. In other words, at first glance, this guy is not my type. Why is it that I am not attracted to the generic guy? Well, here's hoping I am as I agreed to a date. He even teased me with a future White Sox game. Teasing is a little deviant, right?

I have dated these "All-American" guys before and I hate to say it, but they have bored me out of my mind. I can't be the one who carries the entire conversation. It is exhausting for me, and very unattractive on them. Sure, these guys were good guys; they were successful, complimentary, had great values, and were well-regarded (not sure by whom), but ultimately, they proved to not be for me. Now I do have an open mind and an open heart so I will put my best leg forward and see what this guy has to offer.

And by the way, our 10 minute conversation covered such topics as the White Sox, the Cubs, the Blackhawks, the Twins, Target Field, Coors Field, and basketball. I will be sure that our next conversation covers some of my interests as well: Dolce & Gabbana, Chanel, La Perla, Stella McCartney, and Marc Jacobs...seems only fair.

Happy Anniversary

2010-06-01T17:06:00.000-07:00

Happy one year anniversary darling Chicago! We made it through. Quite amazing actually, considering that just 7 months ago I was prepared to leave you for a taller, colder, and cheaper mate. Somehow you managed to seduce me back with the sweet smells of brewing chili, the sexy men of Marc Jacobs, and the windy chill and mesmerizing waves of that big Lake Michigan. You may have won me back darling, but it hasn't been an easy ride.

Yes, we have had some tough times. Like every day how you defy me by backing up every single Interstate with millions of cars and construction zones. Or how during your "spring" and "summers" I need to sit in front of my space heater. Even those damn Cubs fans, how they clog up our Subway system making it impossible to get back to Grace. And what about that extra 12% you hide in your pockets after every purchase I make? You are not easy to love.

But alas, there have been good times as well. Like how I remember my first time at the beach and a perfect vision of pure blue water along a backdrop of the most beautiful city skyline. And how about the first time you took me out to eat at one of your sidewalk cafes? And that time I sang the blues on stage at Buddy Guys. And how you introduced me to a wonderful new soulmate who took me in over the holiday's. And how you kicked my $%%# in different ways every single day in order to teach me life lessons.

Oh Chicago, I am in love with thee.

because I'm worth it

2010-05-31T17:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day :)! A very fun weekend indeed as I was lucky enough to entertain my lovely friend San. She came into town Friday night and we had a blast living Chi-style being careful to only partake in local adventures at my favorite hot spots. In a nut shell we hit a dive chili/pizza locale where they serve the best blue margaritas in town. We hit up the "magnificent mile" briefly before soaking up the sun in one of the hottest roof-top bars in the city. We consumed many a home-made pear vodka treats before heading out for a night of salsa and dive bars in the Wicker Park area, returning home just in time to see the sunrise. And on the last day we did it right, drank Hot Chocolate, shopped at Joe's Jeans and Marc Jacobs (where San shamelessly flirted with the hot man over rainboots), enjoyed snow cones while walking the pier at the beach, suppered on a good ole Chicago-dog and ate some very fat free frozen yogurt at Red Mango. Mmm. Fun times.

San even met Danny and I was able to show my darling friend some crazy. Yep, as I said, Danny is a nut-job and he wonderfully proved this Sat night when he went all Jekyll with me at some late night dive. Don't worry kids, we were not in danger from Crazy. On the contrary, I am danger, as I found out. Now, I do not want to get into specifics of the drama, but I will summarize the events just so you have a little context.

Danny met us at Danny's. We then went to a second bar where San and I had some peach mystery cocktails (reminiscent of the peach cocktail from Dnktowner) served by Large Marge. And finally at the 3rd bar Danny lost his mind and got very angry at me for talking to another guy. No, no, no, do not mistake this anger for jealousy. You see, he felt that by talking to another guy (who by the way I had walked away from several times) he was possibly in danger of this other guy trying to start something with him. Ie, Danny did not want to get his %$# kicked over a girl he had known 2 weeks. Nice to know men want to "start shit" over me. As if.

Well, I did not like the way Danny reacted to all of this and I sure do not understand his reasoning. So, with that, we are over. As he puts it he cannot see me anymore because I am dangerous. Whatever. As I explained to him, he and I live in 2 different worlds. I live in a world where people are good and talking is just talking. He lives is a world where a simple hello can lead to gun fights and jail-time. Although he doesn't believe he has a choice in the matter, right or wrong, he is choosing to live in that world, and right or wrong, I choose to live in mine.

Danny is not a bad guy. Actually, he was horrified by how he acted in front of San and profusely apologized for it. (Her account of the passionate argument from the backseat of his car was that he was afraid these gangsters were going to come after him, and that I was mad and told him to never talk that way to me again (go me)). And by all means she felt this was one heated, emotional argument for two people who haven't even kissed with tongue. I really believe that his demons are too big and too complicated to understand. He has a lot of darkness and I would never be able to bring any light into his world...and to be honest, I wouldn't even want to try. C'est sa vie.

You are probably wiping your dripping brow glad to know I made it out safe and alive. I wish I felt that way. Instead I feel regret and a bit sad. Part of this is a reluctancy to concede defeat. I do not want to lose, I do not want Danny to not want to see me because once again it would feel like rejection. I want to be chosen...I want to be chosen for once in my life. CPA chose nothing (well video games and work) over me, Big chooses work over me, My Venezuelan chooses bachelor life over me, my stalker chose money over me, and now Danny chooses darkness and routine over me. I want to be worth someone giving up something to choose me. I am worth that, so why are these guys getting it wrong? So there is that aspect, but then there is also the fact that I liked Danny....

Danny has been the only man who has ever asked me truly personal, soul-searching questions that may have allowed me to release some of my demons. He wanted to know things about me, and while I did my best to avert and avoid these questions he did manage to get me to open up and answer to a few of them and I really appreciate that. I don't do vulnerable, but I did with him, and it was uncomfortable, but it was honest.

I feel sad, but I will get over it. Danny had no long term potential and as scared as I am of feeling alone, I guess my only choice is to continue choosing me.

K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

2010-05-26T14:39:00.001-07:00

Kissing. I like it. It is easily one of my favorite forms of expression...kissing can be playful, serious, suggestive, sexy, romantic, passionate, telling, fun, and a turn-on. This is good kissing. Bad kissing on the other hand can be awkward, disappointing, sloppy, also telling, lazy and ultimately a turn-off. Now, its not like I go around kissing everyone (I would like to at Marc Jacobs), but I have had my share of kissing, and I have to tell you, there is nothing worse than a bad kisser.

Case and point Sex and the City season 3ish where Charlotte dates the "perfect guy", except for one thing, he is a bad kisser...he saturated, and as she recalls it, "raped her mouth" she was unable to continue seeing him. Rashes will do that.

Now, why is kissing on my mind? Well, recently I started seeing Danny who I have been kissing...just kissing. And its good kissing, but new kissing. Here I thought I had had every kind of kiss possible...not at all my friends.

In my kissing history I have had a few different types of kissers. No judgement, this has been a purely anthropological kissing effort.
-It seems that the majority of men in their 20s are very good kissers. They evenly and gently kiss with tongue intermittently and not forcibly.
-The rest of those guys (possibly the nerdier ones--just an assumption), overuse the tongue and don't come up for air. Ew, I need to breathe. Very sloppy.
-Eastern EU's. Yep, with my limited experience, watch out for these guys...(or don't). Their accents are at least hot, and this may be why their tongues are so sharp. These guys are darty and fast, it reminds me of the jack-hammering form of kissing, and if tongues could bruise, they would.
-Older men...I'm talking late forties and up. Again, with what I assure you to be limited experience, I consider these guys to be similar to nerdy 20-somethings but not nearly as groping, they are wet with too much tongue kissers. Its like their prudish (x)wives never allow(ed) any tongue and therefore they need to make up for lost time. Stay away from these guys, money can't buy you good kissing.
-And last, the new species, 30-somethings. Not to divulge too much, but Danny is a no-tongue kisser. Like none. I almost feel perverted when my tongue makes contact (sorry TMI). These 30 somethings may not do a lot of tongue, but their kissing is not solely concentrated to the mouth...hello, I'm talking about the neck! As I said, my late night man is a bit of an Edward :).

Color my life in the chaos of trouble

2010-05-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

Very glad to end the week. I have seriously had nightmares, about bras, all week long. Actually, about bras and bugs. Last Friday before I turned in for the night I spotted a dark spot near my door. I carefully crept forward and saw that it was a crazy long, billion-legged, predator. Once Creepy crawly saw me see him, he jumped off the wall, took cover behind the open closet door, and reappeared heading in my direction. As if! Creepy was planning on attacking me! I quickly had a panic attack, and then I pulled on my Marc Jacobs knee-length rainboots, and got out my swiffer sweeper. In what must have been a rush of adrenaline resulting from a fight or flight response, I let loose, and I crushed Creepy to a painful, yet swift death, pretty sure it was even a bit of over-death. After claiming victory, I scooped Creepy on the side of the swiffer and placed his remains in the hallway. RIP. I later googled Creepy and it seems that he was a centipede. I am sure he was the only one in Chicago and that the rest live in Phoenix or something.

Anyway, it has been a stressful week. I was looking forward to getting all pretty and enjoying a nice night spending time with a new friend Danny. This is not to happen. You see dear friends, I am like a restaurant, and somehow I experience a cancellation rate of 25-50% on average, and its a non-discriminatory cancellation policy, I accept both men and women, acquaintance to BFF, anybody can and does cancel on me with ironic regularity. Seeing that I never cancel ever, it seems that karma will catch up with me eventually, and when I get a life, be ready, because I am going to cancel like crazy.

Now as I was saying, Danny cancelled on me. "Brakes went out, haven't slept for 36 hours, blah, blah, blah". Excuses, excuses. To his credit, he felt really bad. Actually, to his further credit, while I patronizingly said it was fine, it didn't matter, and that I understood, he noted my icy tone and pressed on to share how I really felt. That gave me the opportunity to say that I was really annoyed, I think its shitty to cancel, and I am tired of being cancelled on. Yuck, I made myself slightly vulnerable! It sort of feels good to be forced to say what I really think, because I so seldom do. I have mastered not sharing how I feel, not professing what I want, and not talking about my past. Danny tries, and occasionally succeeds in pulling those private details out of me...incredible considering I have only went out with him once, and spoken to him on the phone a handful of times. I am not good at being vulnerable but sometimes I feel like I can with him. He said that to make it up to me he will do anything I can think of...specifically he will do anything everybody hates doing. Hmm, what oh what? (Um, can I ask him to buy me things or isn't that what he meant? jk!)

My Chi-friend thinks that I have a slightly dramatic flair...this may be true, but I think life is more colorful this way. :)

It's nice to be called

2010-05-20T18:09:00.000-07:00

It has been one of those dramatic, icky weeks at work. Not entirely dramatic toward me particularly, but dramatic and disappointing in many ways. Not Grey's Anatomy dramatic where there is a gun man, but dramatic none-the-less. And that is all I will say.

Danny called me last night :). It's nice to be called. He called because his week is filling up with crazy, and he wants to firm up our plans for Saturday night. Good thing he called because his Saturday nights begin usually at 1:00am. He said he could be adaptable if needed, and if I preferred, we could move it to 12:00am. I think he was partially kidding, but still serious. I kindly said hell-to-the-no, and said I am a traditional girl (never thought I would say that) and that 9:00pm is my latest...anything later would be improper. I explained improper as in a later date would be the equivalent of a guy suggesting he come over so we can watch a movie. That received a laugh and he assured me that there were no improper intentions...(well I hope that's not entirely the case).

Danny is a vampire you see. He keeps mad hours usually going to bed at 8:00am and getting up at 2:00-3:00pm. Then he goes non-stop working, creating art, trading stock, building, gardening, driving, drinking, thinking, drinking, and more drinking. He claims he rarely eats, maybe once a day, and I guess if you feed on human blood, then eating isn't as much a priority. Fear not friends, I will be sure to wear a turtleneck.

Now,
Dear Gunman on Grey's, can you please go to Dr. Dreamy's office and open fire on that annoying farm girl? Thanks.

Nod and smile :)

2010-05-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

Just taking a look at a few of my posts and for goodness sakes, for a single Chi-girl I seem to have a lot of man-drama...too bad its all in my head.

So on to the new man in my life--my Monday date, we shall henceforth refer to him as Danny, since we met at "Danny's". So Danny and I went out on a very long date last night. He insisted on picking me up and then we headed to a dive bar (how very romantic) at 8:30. We started there and then ended up at a jazz bar where Al Capone used to frequent, and before you know it, I was walking into my apartment at 4:00am. Danny was well behaved, he opened car doors, paid, gave me many compliments, and did not put the moves on me at all, at least not until he dropped me off and asked for a goodnight kiss, which I granted. So overall it was a good date, we had a lot to talk about, I was very comfortable, and we enjoyed each others company. Now, before you get all excited I need to let you in on a small detail...he is totally insane.

Yep, he is insane, like really. I won't get into all of the details of his insanity because I don't want to scare you, but he is a very unique, interesting, opinionated kind of guy who firmly believes in certain truths such as the abstract: there is no truth, or feeling is not good, or belief is imagined, etc etc. I was having a hard time keeping up because although he is extremely articulate and intelligent, he talks a mile a minute (no he's not on drugs!) and his use of vocabulary requires either a dictionary or a nod and smile...I nodded and smiled, and occasionally rolled my eyes (which he found cute). So while I can probably say I don't agree with his philosophies on most things, I do appreciate that he at least thinks about things. And I do respect some of his other qualities like ambition, goals, direction, talent, and his taste in Me. And naturally, there are probably just as many qualities about him that I don't like...but again, I don't want to scare you :).

I think I generally have a pretty good read on people, and I think for the most part, he is probably a good guy with a lot of demons, and I think he kind of likes it that way. So as far as a future for Danny and I, it is unlikely.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, we're going out again on Saturday night!

Monday night, date night

2010-05-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

Well I have done it, I have managed to come up with the perfect Monday night date outfit. This may be one of my first Monday dates, (with the exception of Big). Monday dates are of a different variety, and they are hard to dress for. Let's consider proper outfits for each day of the week.
Tuesday: Similar to a Monday, but a little bit lighter...usually a wine date which would call for a bright colored top w/ bootcut jeans and cute accessories (exactly why I don't go on Tuesday dates)
Wednesday: A little bit of a darker top, probably a little bit low cut, denim, again boot cut.
Thursday: Its almost Friday, a skirt is in order.
Friday: You may want to keep your skirt for Saturday night so you will opt for a skinny/straight leg jean, a loose top to be belted, this will create an interesting and flattering figure.
Saturday: All out tonight, proper date would go for a skirt or dress to show off the legs, and considering the season you may also opt for bare shoulders if appropriate, or sleeves...if you do sleeves make sure they are rolled up to 3/4 lengths to balance out legs...however, if you have tights then there are no rules.
Sunday: Sunday, the day of rest, but not a day to be lazy with wardrobe. Consider wearing something bright like a great wrap dress, if weather appropriate, this is the time to wear shorts with a loose cami and pair with a slightly longer cardigan.
MONDAY: As it turns out Monday is a slightly darker day, it is the first day of the week and from what I remember of my college days, is when all the alternative kids come out to play. Hence, clothing should be a bit darker, but still with a fashionable element (how else do you differentiate between you and them?).

My Monday date outfit: black skinny jeans, vintage Pink Floyd graphic t-shirt, a grey cashmere sweater for warmth, a vintage (okay 2003) grey blazer slightly boyfriend, a Club Monaco striped scarf, and my gladiator Marc Jacobs sandals. Perfect!

And, while I am at it, lets review no-no date outfits and general dont's.
-Capris (ankle pants are okay and can be very sexy)
-Khakis
-Velour anything
-Flared pants
-Glitter
-Square toes
-Hip belts
-Fringe (some exceptions) apply

I hope you all appreciate the little tips, and please, feel free to share your tips as well. Now excuse me, I have a date :)

Single single and ready to mingle

2010-05-16T17:40:00.001-07:00

Yikes, I am really behind in my updates for the month of May. It has been a very busy first part of May with two weeks of travelling back to back. I really like travelling as it keeps me busy and adds to my miles.

In other news a lot has happened that has left me with very little, 0 actually.
-CPA and I are officially over. According to him, no hard feelings, according to me, I think he is a lazy unambitious and unholy $#@$$$. But no hard feelings.
-I have blocked my Venezuelan from my feed on facebook. With our recent interactions I had re-developed feelings that were causing too much stress and jealousy so I need to cut him back out of my life.
-Big...Big is very absent. He is not calling me or returning my calls even though I said I needed him to. A blatant dismissal of my needs and feelings once again reinforce that he and I do not have a future. I have not spoken to him in over 2 weeks.

So there you go, I was running with 3 and now I am running with 0, and while I have always been "single" I have not been without for over five years. So, sigh, I am at 0, single single. Okay life, I have opened a lot of room for you to bring in new people, I'm ready!

Last night I went out for the first time in a long long time...like out out. My girlfriend and I hit up one of the popular neighborhoods and ended up meeting a lot of people and barhopping with them. It was really fun! At the end of the night I was approached by a guy who was a bit charming and a bit older (37). He actually called tonight and asked me on what I presume to be a date, for tomorrow night. I have to admit I am a little bit nervous :).

And, I have heard that the grocery store is a good place to meet people. Apparently, the man who picked me up in the grocery store line yesterday must have thought so. I was waiting patiently behind a guy buying a basket full of yogurt and jello cups in the what should have been quick lane. So, with ample time, the guy behind me dropped a casual comment and I indulged him in conversation. I need the practice on talking to strangers actually. So this guy was also older...I presume he is in his forties. He was tan, athletic, and had a bushy ponytail. He also works in stocks somehow. So after our quick conversation I (and why I cannot quite explain) gave over my business card.

Single single and ready to mingle!

Marry well

2010-05-02T15:19:00.000-07:00

After a two month hiatus, I returned to the gym today where I burned what I consider to be a respectable 450 calories (not going to tell you how long that took me). No matter what anybody says, the gym has not grown in favor and I continue to despise every waking moment of exercising. The absolutely only type of exercise I really like is yoga, hopefully once my gym contract expires I can start to attend more classes.

Other than the gym and Borders, I have had a very dull weekend. I didn't make it to church...something about Sunday services that I really don't care for. I certainly need to make the effort of going more often in the future, but part of me probably feels a little anxious at the possibility of running into CPA...part of why FWB relationships work is because you generally don't have to run into them unless specifically arranged...chance meetings (like at volunteering last week) are awkward and slightly humiliating. I didn't make it to church, but I did watch at least watch an online message to get a good old dose of direction...today's topic: marry well. To be honest, it was not the life-changing a-ha message I was hoping for, but at least it reiterated certain key points.
1. Must be a friend
2. Take it slow
3. Have realistic expectations

These same principles continue to come up everywhere you look. A good partner is a friend. I really struggle with this one. As I have said before, I have not been able to maintain friendships with men, and instead I have always regarded the opposite sex as if they are or are not a possible match. Take it slow, I am equally bad at this. I hate taking things slow...as is evidence by my many first dates that have gone too far. And as for realistic expectations, um, I don't think I have ever quite gotten far enough to have any expectations...all of my relationships are free and clear of any expectation, and again, equally, this is a problem.

So what do I need to do to start the process of marrying well? It seems that I have to develop a friendship or at least an acquaintanceship with men with whom I have common interests. How to do this? I will argue that I have made several efforts at meeting new friends, all to no avail. And yes, I understand I need to continue these efforts and step up the frequency and consistency in which I engage in these efforts.

And with that, inspiration is gone for the night. If you have any wisdom or suggestions for this single Chi-girl please feel free to share :)

Sweaty pants, sweaty life

2010-04-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

After my Marc Jacobs "a-ha" I headed to volunteer with my Chi-girlfriend. We went to pack seeds of vegetables (why do they need onions anyway?) for the people of Zimbabwe. It was an opportunity through the church which meant that there was the possibility of seeing the CPA as well as many of the other hub members. I prepped my friend for this in advance by saying, "remember, he is very average". As a reminder, I have not seen or heard from CPA since My Venezuelan was in town more than a month ago.

Well needless to say, we did see CPA...long story short we said a polite hello and that's about it. Afterwards, my girlfriend and I went out for some dishing and dining.

And further needless to say, Sunday I invited CPA over for dinner which he readily accepted. So he came over for my faux dinner picked up from the hot foods section at Whole Foods. Impressively, he brought a bottle of wine this time and not grape juice. Whew. Apparently CPA has been up to the same old same old, working. And he is also training for the marathon every Saturday morning at 8:00am. (Why oh why?) I am so far from being interested in him that I can finally relax and enjoy his company for what it is...someone else to spend time with in the Chi who just happens to be a pretty good kisser. I could do worse. And if I wasn't already over him then his take on sweatpants sure got me there sooner....

This blastedly cold winter weather has kept me dressed warm...denim with no socks. And because we never go anywhere but my couch, I haven't even been able to wear a skirt and tights. Ergo, CPA has only ever seen my in skinny jeans which due to their nature and construction, can actually prevent certain compromising PG positions. If that were his reason for suggesting changing into sweatpants I may have respected him more. Instead, he innocently wondered why I wouldn't wear sweatpants always because they are more comfortable. Um, excuse me? I told him that I think it is inappropriate to wear sweatpants when you are entertaining. He didn't agree and questioned why it would matter? To be politically correct and keep the majority of my readers, I will say that yes, sweatpants are okay if they are worn around friends, parents, and sig others. (And for the record, I would never wear sweatpants in front of my friends or sig other for two reasons: 1. SPants are not who I am, 2. SPants are too short for me!). But CPA is certainly not a sig other.

Grudgingly and with ample irritation, I will admit that I do think he brings up a good point (the conclusion I had to draw on my own). It shouldn't matter what you are wearing, it should be about who you are. I do completely agree with that statement, but here's the thing: much of who I am is represented through how I present myself on the outside. There is no right or wrong in this. In order to feel confident I need to feel like I am presenting myself well, I am clean, my hair is done, I have a nice outfit on, etc. If those simple elements are missing, then I instantly feel uncomfortable and less confident. This is just who I am and I guess I want a partner who acknowledges and appreciates the effort I put in every single day. How could you not appreciate that about someone? Yes, it is important who you are obviously, but to be the best person I can be, I need to look the part, and that is something I will be proud of.

Gone baby gone

2010-04-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

I just said goodbye to a couple of friends from the MNApple. Darling gays on a Chicago adventure with two goals: 1. Eat at the Ralph Lauren grill while wearing riding boots. 2. Party the night away in Boystown/make out with boys. It was nice to have the company and it was a nice reminder of how much I have changed. How you may wonder? Well, if it were a year ago, or even last summer, I would have tagged along to Boystown and gotten completely trashed in order to have a good time...after all, being out at a gay club is better than not being out. At present time, being at a gay club is worse than not being out, therefore I stayed in and let the boys have their fun. Its as if I only now have learned that you cannot meet straight men at gay clubs. Who knew?

I did have a very minor a-ha moment yesterday after leaving Marc Jacobs. I took the boys to the very man sexy Marc Jacobs store where we all bought $28 rain boots (for real!) and shamelessly stared at the sexy Marc Jacobs man. He was about 6 feet tall w/ brown curly hair...like a very sexy and fit (not stocky) rugby player. Very gorgeous and very straight. After leaving the store, the boys chided me for not trying to flirt with the hot man. "Puh-lease" I said, "he so would not have been into me". And there is the a-ha.

As I have said, I feel like I am extremely confident overall, I generally feel confident in what I am wearing, my style, my body, and my awareness of current social events, but I do lack confidence in certain areas. I certainly lack the confidence in my ability to attract attractive men. I guess I can feel confident as long as I perceive myself to be the more attractive and the more successful. This is true for men and women...consider my career and the challenges I faced in establishing myself as on the level of those who I perceived to be better than me...it took me a long time to get over my intimidation. The result of this lack of confidence is that I shoot way too low. Like the CPA...he and I do not match on so many levels...he is a homebody, he is lacking in ambition, he is shorter than I am, he puts in the bare minimum effort, he has terrible music tastes, etc, etc, yet I worked my ass off to make myself attractive and irresistible to him. And it didn't work, obviously.

I have not always been like this, but its seems that gone are the days where I could go to the bar and stare and flirt my way into flowing drinks, gone are the days where I could get picked up in the middle of the skyways by sexy male strippers (yep), gone are the days where I had the confidence to card-bomb hot guys for fun, yep, gone are the days. Ironic because I am more successful than I have ever been, I am more independent than I have ever been, I am more stylish than I have ever been, I have healthier friendships than I ever have had, and I would say I am probably more attractive than I have ever been. So why as I continue to get better and better in my life have I lost more and more confidence? There is obviously a Big reason for this, but a lot of it has been me and my inability to make peace with and be honest about my insecurities.

Well dear friends, gone are those days. It is my duty to myself and to Chicago to stare like crazy and to card bomb like crazy until I meet that new special guy. And maybe I will start with Marc Jacobs.

Amazing grace

2010-04-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

So Big and I had a very interesting conversation on Sunday night. He couldn't stop telling me about his new BFF Kendall. Yes, according to All my Children, Kendall happens to be a girl's name. I instantly didn't like her, and not to mention that she is an LA hippie who carries a $3000 Louis Vuitton bag. Hippie. Um, more like Poser. Anyway, he is very protective of his friendship w/ K-doll as she is his only friend in the LA after 1 week. I guess he had a heart-to-heart w/ her and learned a lot about himself in the process. And BTW, don't worry, she has a boyfriend. So this tete a tete included the mention of me as in, "its complicated". Wow, I cannot believe that I was actually acknowledged in any way in his life. I have to believe his enlightening conversation w/ K-doll that led him to his slightly but not entirely odd behavior Sunday.

As we were discussing us, he asked me what I considered us to be. I said that I considered us to be in an uncommitted relationship. He said are you seeing anyone else, and I said no (alright, please reserve judgement) and he said he is not and not planning on seeing anyone else so then we are in a sort of relationship. Of course he then asked the very timely "what do you want" question. He always wants to know what do I want? What do I want from him? As you know, I cannot answer this question without a lot of hesitation. If I tell him what I want, then I will lose him and I will be alone.

Fortunately, I had a six hour drive back to the Chi to consider this question. A six hour drive taking until 2 in the am propelled by non-diet coke and a movie-theater size box of Reese's pieces. Not sure I was in my right mind. And for the record, I do realize that when it comes to Big I sing a different tune every week. It all started back in Jan where Big and I were O.V.E.R. to us making peace with there being no "us", to my accepting that I need to move on from him, to him abandoning me moving to LA, to me him now considering us to be in a cross-country "relationship". I think it is the combination of love and fear that drive us to this. That said, here is the tune for this week:

I don't think I want to be w/ Big. He is not the kind of man that I can be with long-term. Big always started out as a good for now (exciting, bad ass, a challenge), but not someone I would marry. Well, I am 27 going on 30, I need to consider marriage because it is what I want within the next 5 years. Big does not posses the integrity, the stability, or the basic kindness that I would want in a future forever partner. I will say that I really love Big, but I do not want my life to turn into settling, to settling for expecting the average and miserable. Frankly, believe it or not, I have too much pride for that. No, instead I want to be romanced, shown affection, paid for, given the option of children, and treated like I am the best thing that has ever happened in the world. And guess what? I want to feel that exact same way about the other person.

Big actually paid me the best compliment he ever has on Sunday (the last great compliment came when we first started dating when he told me I was the only woman he had ever met who had so much grace--I think I lost some of my grace after meeting him), he said that I am AMAZING and he said it more than once. He thinks I am amazing--which is amazing. I had no idea that he thought of me like that. He thinks I am amazing, I think I am amazing, therefore I no longer need to prove to him my worth.

...alright, I can probably write a thousand posts about this and I likely will. So stay tuned.

Minnecation

2010-04-20T18:14:00.001-07:00

Hello, welcome back to me. I am terribly guilty of an unusually long hiatus. I am sure the three of you have missed me very much:). Truly, I enjoyed what may have been the best week ever! Just so you don't miss a minute of it, and so that I will have something to remember when I'm 90, I will recap my fun times.

I got in late on Friday night to be greeted by my Mom and Dad and a tick...apparently Gizmo (our Pug) had attracted some nasty friends.

Saturday morning I awoke to the very sweet sounds of Matthew my 18 month old nephew. We were babysitting the darling boy all weekend while my sister and her husband were in the hospital with brand new Megan, baby girl born Friday at 10:58am...perfect baby. My aunt and uncle came into town and then we all went to meet the new baby. Saturday night I dressed in a vintage black dress (by vintage I mean a very sexy black dress made by my friend in HS 10 years ago). I paired the well fitting dress with pearl,s white gloves, and red lips. The occasion was a fashion show that I attended with a girlfriend. We ate yummy sushi and then viewed TC's local fashion, and left the evening only after being photog'ed by City Pages, sneaking into VIP seats, and taking an oyster shot.

Sunday was met by another fabulous morning with my nephew, bright sunshine, a visit to the hospital to see Megan, and Shrek 2 and 3 with my mom.

Monday was another day with Matthew, shopping with my mom, visiting Megan, and watching Dancing w/ the Stars w/ Mom and Dad (and they say I'm never home).

Tuesday I visited Megan and Matthew bright and early before hitting the Dr. Then I watched a bit of old school 90210 before heading to my friend's place in Loring Park. He and I caught up the gossip and then headed to Uptown for shopping and dining. After dropping him off I headed to a yoga class w/ another friend and then she and I enjoyed a quick drink at our old fav neighborhood hangout.

Wednesday, probably one of the best days of my life, was spent at a Twins game in their brand new stadium with my Venezuelan. I invited him to the game and he and I spent the day cuddling under an umbrella, holding hands on the streets of the Mpls, and listening to local music at his house. It was easily a perfect day spent with the man of my dreams. And then I finished the day off w/ another coupla girlfriends in Mpls.

Thursday, visited Matthew and Megan in the am, and then hair color, and then a wine patio on a very sunny day in Mpls, followed by nummy sushi with a girlfriend, followed by wine with another girlfriend. Three HH's not to shabby.

Friday, early morning breakfast w/ friend, then I visited Grandma and Grandpa before taking a yoga class. Then I picked up a friend and she and I went to the opening of a play and then to a rock show featuring a friend of my Venezuelan. Yes, I saw my Venezuelan. Can't say it was good as he showed up to the show w/ 2 girls in tow...I might be able to accept us for what we are, but I can't help but feel jealous seeing him around other girls (more to come on this).

Saturday, was spent w/ Matthew and Megan and a couple of aunts, then to church and then to a girlfriends and then to dinner Thai style w/ more friends. Fun day.

Sunday, spent once again w/ my family Matthew and Megan et al. While I should have left back to the Chi at 2:00, I didn't end up leaving for the Chi until 8:00pm. Why? Well, unexpectedly, Saturday night Big called...he was heading into Mpls from LA Sun night for a few days because his dad was having surgery. He agreed to upgrade his flight to arrive earlier, but not until 5:00pm. I didn't think it would be right to leave town without seeing him. And so I did. Teaser-alert. That is all I will say for now, but seeing him was really eye-opening.

Alright then, apologies for the tedious post documenting every second of my vacation, but like I said, it was an amazing week and I want to remember it. It was filled w/ family, friends, and moments I will remember forever. It was also filled with potentially life-changing lessons including learning what it feels like to be in a loving couple, learning the importance of joy in our every day life, and learning that I possess the ability to create and manage the outcome of my own life.

I heart MJ times two

2010-04-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

I am going a little bit crazy here in the Chi. Its what happens during boring weekends--I go a little cuckoo. This wasn't even that bad of a weekend, so what gives? I think it is obviously the added stress and anxiety over the Big move that has me worked up. I mean come on, what sane person has a 2 hour panic attack at 4 in the morning and blogs about it? Cuckoo.

The weekend wasn't that terrible, I actually enjoyed a nice Easter with my lovely Chi-town pal. She and I went to Easter service where we got our "family" picture taken and then picked up her BF before heading to her mom's in IN. It was my first visit to the Hoosiers state and wouldn't ya know, we drove right through Michael Jackson's hometown of Gary. I am pretty sure that is also where the Music Man is from. The three of us, her mom, and her brother dined at a very busy and very fancy dining facility where I had to face the buffet. Truly all buffets stress me out big time. They are chaos, so many people, so many choices, this is the only situation where I feel performance anxiety. (Cuckoo). I endured the buffet and then was rewarded with Delicious Easter treats from her mom. It was really nice considering my parents neglected to hide a basket in the mail...they did send a monogrammed note in lieu of a card with a nice check inside that I will use to purchase a yoga class tomorrow.

Seriously, after going to the hot yoga class with my Venezuelan last weekend I have been obsessed with going more regularly. It is strange, I can't really explain why I like it so much, but I do...it is relaxing, it is private, it is healthy, it is forgiving, it is easy, it is warm, it is structured, it is dim, and it is rewarding (oh, maybe I can explain it!). I actually went to a yoga class on Saturday night after shopping and purchasing at the new Marc Jacobs store in the Gold Coast. I cannot really feel bad about living in Chicago when I can have a Saturday doing just that every single week. I am very lucky. Not like I bought Marc Jacobs out or anything, but I did buy a gunmetal metallic coin purse to replace my worn Kate Spade favorite. It is very cute with the MJ logo and embossed hearts...love it. And it was totally affordable so I picked up one for my friend Joey as well, now we match! There is a matching wristlet that I am tempted to get as well.

I am looking forward to my vacation next week. My sister is due with her new baby on Friday! What a blessing indeed. I am also excited to see my little nephew, I got him a little book called "Goodnight Chicago" which is a book dedicated to all the sights of the Chi. I will be in town for the whole week and so far I have 2 fashion shows planned and tentatively a Twins game in the new stadium. Hopefully I also have a hot date or two with my Venezuelan, I could use the love to keep me from mourning Big.

And last Big, hence why I am so crazy. The @#%%## has not called since Wednesday and so I have no idea if he made it to the LA LA Land. I texted him Sat night, no response, I texted him Sunday, no response, I called him last night and it went directly to voicemail, and I called him today and it went directly to voicemail...yes I realize that I do sound like a cross-country stalker, but come-on, the man is glued to his phone, why would it be off? Do you see why I'm anxious? No one turns their phone off. Did something happen? And what about the earthquake? Ugh, stress. All I want is a little courtesy that includes a simple message of "I made it to LA, have a good life". Not nothing. Nothing is mean. This may be my karma: I have screened for over a month and probably 15 missed calls, the guy who wants to marry me (skipper), without any such explanation. Guilty. Hoping to change that karma I did text him (Skipper) today and said that I am sorry and that I will call him when I am ready...stop smothering me. May have worked as when I dialed Big again tonight (do you know that I have never actually had his name in my phone?) it did ring before going to voicemail. Now he is just ignoring me and not dead. Let's not forget that I live in the real world now.

Fantasy: fact or fiction?

2010-04-04T01:48:00.000-07:00

I have been living in a fantasy world. You see, the thing is that sometimes it is easier to live in a world that is part fantasy, part reality, than to live in the real world. The fantasy world can provide where the real world has fell short. The fantasy world can be what you want it to be, it is a world where anything can be true and everything can be rationalized or omitted. Big and I only exist in a fantasy world, we do not exist in the real world. It is very silly, a bit ridiculous, I even wonder now if because I brought Big into my real world through conversations with friends, if I am not a bit crazy.

I guess it is the Big move that has brought all of this to light. He made a comment a few nights ago how "I've never met his father", and while it was not meant to be hurtful, it is very true. I have met his family only in passing 4 years ago and since then I have not existed for them, or for Big's friends. No one knows that I exist. All I am is a glorified 5 year affair that he has kept on the side while he has moved from relationship to relationship. I am a part of his fantasy world not his actual life. I certainly have known this to be true, sure I have, I am not stupid or blind, but I guess I have never acknowledged that this fact. It is easier being a part of his fantasy world and keeping him a part of mine, than acknowledging I don't exist. If I don't exist then it will be like admitting failure, and admitting I am not worth more. But, maybe it is time to admit and acknowledge the obvious: my reality is that Big and I do not exist, I am alone.

And if I am to start living in the real world than I should probably call is quits officially with CPA. I will not enter into another relationship that exists behind closed doors and while no one is watching. If I have to live in reality then it is time to start showing the world how to treat me and demand acknowledgement. This does not mean that I am "cured" of my fantasy life, but I do hope this is the step in the right direction. First step is always the acknowledgment and admittance. I will be honest though and tell you right now, life in the real world for a single woman living alone in a big city with no friends feels pretty close to worthless to me. It is only the existence of a fantasy world that has allowed me some form of peace of mind and even manufactured self respect. Without my fantasy world, I feel like I will be left with nothing.

acceptance, the point of no return

2010-04-03T06:34:00.001-07:00

Wednesday marked Chi's first warm day of the season and my friend and I celebrated with the most charming sidewalk dining (how very New York, how very French). During a completely indulgent cookie dough dessert, I attempted to explain to my friend how it is that I can manage to have a very sexy weekend with a man who I admittedly am in love with, and not feel hurt or attached afterwords? Similarly, I attempted to explain how I can continue sporadically seeing CPA with benefits without feeling rejected? My explanation: you feel hurt at first, but then once you get to the point of acceptance the hurt goes away. Explaining it out loud I suddenly appreciate how sad it is...I am basically saying that it is okay for a guy to use me for benefits as long as I am honest with myself about his intentions. If I am honest and accept that he does not want to pursue a relationship then its okay. I am not sure if this makes me a master at the friends with benefits relationships, or if it makes me jaded and cynical. Am I spending too much time accepting and therefore expecting that the guys I like are not into me and therefore I am sabotaging myself in some way? Maybe. Does it even matter? I don't know.

tears for fears

2010-04-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

It happened again last night, the tears. Its really weird, I don't actually feel emotional about Big moving most of the time, but then Big will say the key phrase out loud I am moving to LA this Friday, and I instantly burst into tears. To give you a better idea of the spontaneity, its kind of like the SATC season 6 ep 11 "the domino effect", where Big is in town (from CA) and tells Carrie he is having a little heart thing done and she immediately bursts into tears. This happens throughout the episode, until at last, he recovers and turns back into Big, him as Big she can handle, him as a loved one having heart work done, she cannot. I feel like it is similar with my Big, Big as an asshole I can handle, there not being a Big I cannot. I guess in theory, Big is still a Big no matter what his zipcode.

He's not coming to Chicago. Didn't I call that? (Stupid intuition). Apparently, his dad is driving down to CA with him. (Stupid dad). So he will not be detouring to Chi, he will not be saying goodbye. Obviously this is when the tears started. I really can't believe I won't see him.

In his attempt to console me, he only made it worse. He said something to the effect of, this might not even happen, what if I can't sell my place or find a renter, what if I can't go? Trust me, him not going is worse. It is worse not because I need him to go to move on etc etc, it is worse because he needs this, he needs to have this opportunity. I can handle Big going, I can cry, I can feel sad, I can handle it, what I don't think I can handle is for him to not move forward in his life, and move closer to achieving his dreams. It would almost be too devastating for him, and therefore for me. I am no longer selfish in our relationship, I no longer think that we are not together because of me, I no longer feel the pain of not being enough, I now see him for who he is, and I see the pain he would go through for not realizing his dreams. I guess, what I am saying, is bring on the tears.

Against all odds

2010-03-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

I finally cried, and I cried hard, and I cried for Big to Big. Its really happening, Big is moving to LA...life imitates art. He hadn't called me for over 2 weeks since he left for LA for his interview. He hadn't returned my voicemail and only barely returned my text w/ an "I'm busy, talk to you later". Truth is if I hadn't been so otherwise engaged with my Venezuelan, I would have been extremely pissed off and irritated. And that's exactly how I felt last night when I called him.

He very cooly answered the phone, like I was putting him out in some way for calling. I instantly recognized the distance in his voice, his icy tone, the asshole, the quiet, it was all very familiar. Familiar yet I can't quite explain it...it is the familiar where you know someone so well that their behaviors, moods, actions, everything is familiar and you just know. So this familiar asshole was very cold and rude to me on the phone when I asked him why the x&$%& he hadn't called me to tell me the news. Of course his excuse for everything is he is busy...busy moving to LA this Friday. So it finally hit me, hit me hard, hit me like a ton of bricks, my Big, for better or worse my heart, is moving to LA this Friday. And I finally cried.

So this familiar side of Big comes out when he wants to avoid certain conversations...he really wanted to avoid telling me because he (claims) he doesn't know what to say, and I think partially he was afraid of what my reaction would be. Apparently, he thought that I would be angry and yell at him or something. Again, I know Big pretty well, he doesn't seem to know me very well (or he hasn't been paying attention because I really haven't yelled at him since October when I found out he was still "just" sharing a bed with his X)...um not quite the same situation unless he is moving with his X to LA in which case I would yell very loud. He claims that he is going alone, and that is about as much as he would say. I am getting the feeling that he is trying not to tell me something, but I don't know what it is and I don't want to know something that will hurt me so I am not pushing it. But there is a possibility that he is a just scared of leaving his life so abruptly and really doesn't quite know how to handle it. Big has 612 (Mpls area code) tattooed on his chest, he loves Mpls, he loves his dog, he loves his motorcycle, he loves his place, he loves his life. He hates LA, hates the people, but his passion for his dreams mean more to him than anything or anyone in the world and he will do whatever it takes. While this was something I could never really understand about him, I have learned to accept this unrelenting aspiration, and even admire it. So maybe he is scared, maybe he is sad, maybe he will miss me. Maybe, I will never know as he doesn't seem to want to talk to me about it.

I asked him to stop in Chicago on his way to LA...I need to see him. He doesn't know if he wants to stop...saying how he hates goodbyes. As I reminded him, he has said goodbye to me twice now, I have left him twice...and its true, our very last goodbyes on my way out of town is always pretty awkward and a bit cold...certainly not warm and passionate. Could our goodbyes really have been that hard on him so that he wants to avoid saying goodbye to me altogether? And this goodbye has the potential to be long-term and life-changing. This goodbye has the potential to be lasting and the final end of a relationship between us that both of us thought might not actually end. He did say just last Christmas how he thinks that we'll end up together in the end. Even just knowing that he feels that way, against all odds http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OiV_5kEt6A, comforts me and has helped me unknowingly prepare for his departure.

I asked him to stop in Chicago because I need him to, I need him to do it for me, I have never asked him for anything but I need him to do this one thing. I don't think he'll stop though. Its just not him, its just not who he is.

A lot like love

2010-03-28T10:02:00.001-07:00

Sorry readers for my absence this week...this Chi girl has been busy jetsetting to Detroit and hosting a very sexy houseguest for the weekend. Wow, isn't life grand when you are busy doing stuff? My darling MPLS FWB was in town with his 4 bffs for the weekend. I have heard stories about these guys before but I had never had the pleasure of meeting them. It was truly the most random group of guys I could have ever imagined. My friend is 33 and a very attractive man from Venezuela, and his BFFs are all 10-20 years his senior and look like washed up rockers Keith Richards style...in a good way. They were all hilarious and odd. And, it all makes sense why my FWB is only an FWB...all of his besties are single and never married bachelors! Bad influences! My darling friend has no chance of settling down, why would he when he is hanging out with his bachelor family of clowns 24/7? Truly, this was a eye-opening and illustrative weekend glimpse into the world of bachelors.

We had a lot of fun this weekend, and while I was slightly out of place crashing the boys weekend, they were all very nice and welcoming. Friday night we danced it up at a reggae bar, my Venezuelan is an excellent dancer by the way. Sat my Venezuelan and I got up early and went to brunch and then went for a walk in my neighborhood and shopped for bicycles. We met up with the boys in another neighborhood later and spent 2 hours browsing an independent book store. Then we spent some time at a coffee shop before heading to a hot yoga class and then a birthday bash of a dead writer where my Venezuelan and I were the youngest people by at least 30 years (which warranted us getting our picture taken to be published in a night review), and then we wrapped up the night at a blues bar. And then the Venezuelan spent the night again, marking the most time he and I have ever spent together in our 3 year FWB friendship. Truth is the more you are around this man, the more you fall a little bit more in love. Don't worry this is not an "in love" that will leave me feeling depressed or sad, it is more of an "in love" where you truly feel in awe of someone and appreciate to heart their character and grace. My Venezuelan is someone you just want to be around, and you can't help but falling in love.

My Venezuelan is the complete opposite of Big. He is affectionate, considerate, passionate, attentive, and wonderful, and for one weekend, I got to be his girl. Although he and I have never been in an actual relationship, he has no problem showing me affection in public and in front of his friends. He is the guy who carries your luggage, opens doors, has his arm around you while walking, kisses you in the middle of a bookstore, has his hand on your leg at the bar, gropes you inappropriately on the subway, and spoons you at night...he is darling...and completely unattainable. I guess I need to figure out a way to hook his single friends up with some gorgeous women and then somehow figure out how to make my Venezuelan My Venezeluan.

Intuition: friend or foe?

2010-03-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

After my fabulous friend cancelled on me for tonight I broke down and texted CPA. Note, CPA has not texted me since the ridiculous conversation from a week's past. I can say with certainty that as I concluded at the time, he is really not interested in me past FWB. Okay, I can live with that, or as apparent by my text tonight, I can't live without that...

Why do I go back and forth as to whether or not having a guy in my life as FWB is better than not having guy in my life at all? Really, part is circumstantial...if I had a great network of friends here in the Chi then I would not necessarily feel lonely to the point of compromising on my alleged principles. I would hope not anyway.

CPA is busy tonight but said maybe tomorrow...his maybes usually turn into him CPAing (ie working) and being unavailable. Honestly (well honestly at the moment) I do feel like I have made peace with our reality. While I would have liked for things to have gone differently, I feel that because I now know exactly what his intentions are not I can sort of accept the reality of what his intentions (lack there of) are: he isn't looking for a relationship, its not my fault, and we are attracted to each other.

Here is the thing, I have an incredible amount of very accurate intuition, meaning I can be right with-in a small fraction of possible variation about most things, specifically, I can tell if a guy is in to me or not, does he like me, will he call me after our first date, will he turn into a stalker, etc, etc??. I have never been misguided by my intuition. Ever. If I have such great intuition then why do I get hurt or surprised? Truth is that I am never surprised but I am often hurt. I think it is the optimistic side (yes the risk-taking hopeful part of me is optimistic) that ignores my intuition in hopes that it is wrong. This is usually perpetuated by wonderfully intending friends whose job it is to cheerlead, build confidence, and impress hope. Thank goodness for friends because sometimes, carrying a false sense of hope is better than the reality of the intuition.

Oddly, (and I really cannot believe that I will even admit to this) the first night I attended the hub meeting there was some fleeting part of my intuition that felt like I was in a room with a guy I might end up marrying...my intuition was not specific on the guy, just on the possibility. Weird. Then CPA and I started down some kind of path of friendship +. With each CPA encounter my intuition was very loud in the fact that he only wanted FWB, but my wonderful friends suggested otherwise. Is this a case of my initial intuition being wrongly interpreted? Probably. Was my intuition right in that I would develop some kind of relationship with someone in the room right? Yes. Again, intuition is right with-in a fraction of variability.

If I do see CPA again its fine. If I don't its fine. In general, I guess that I just need to get to a point of acceptance and then I can move forward without being hurt. There is nothing more CPA, Big, or any past FWB can do to hurt me. I can only be hurt by opening myself up to the new, the hope, and the possibility.

Skinny jeanius

2010-03-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

Miserable Chicago weather outside equals perfect spring cleaning inside. I tackled my closet, boxes that I managed to move to the Chi but not quite unpack in the Chi. I came across my vintage gloves, an old pair of tan suede boots that extend over the knee, and my skinny skinny jeans. Every woman has her skinny jeans, they are the pair that is a size smaller than your other pairs and you keep them around to incent you to either one day fit back into them, or incent you to stay fitting in them. They are a benchmark denim. I purchased this pair of Paper Denim and Cloth jeans about 4 years ago (when PD&C was still considered the premium of denim) and it marked the smallest size of denim I had ever purchased and my first ever version of a skinny jean, which has since forever changed my life.

How you may ask has a skinny jean changed my life? Up until the skinny revolution I had been in waiting-for-a-flood hell. As a tall girl, pushing nearly 6 feet, I always struggled wearing denim that was long enough, and forget about wearing long enough denim and heels. All through high-school I avoided wearing denim as much as possible by wearing skirts and dress pants. (I also avoided the Express stretchy black boot cut pant worn with white tennis shoes look, whew!). Then the skinny jean solved all of my problems forever. You see, the pure jeanius of a skinny jean is that it stops right at the ankle, therefore the skinny jean is never too long or too short. The skinny jean is a tall girl's best friend, and contrary to certain schools of thought, I believe anyone can wear a skinny jean (even men in their slim cuts) and look chic, as long as they are worn correctly. Unfortunately, there are those that are not successful at wearing any denim, but for reasons I cannot solve here.

Having not tried on my skinny skinny jean in 3 years, and knowing how much I eat here in the Chi, I was a bit skeptical they would fit, but they did! Although they fit without a problem (ok a little tight in the back of the legs) I was appalled at the style and overall unflattering nature of the jean. They were a mid to light wash and very very low rise. And while they are a version of skinny, they are not skinny enough thus extending to an odd finish on my ankles...must have only worn them inside boots. Glad they still fit, but think they might be paying a visit to the Salvation Army. And really, I don't need a skinny jean to make me feel good about myself, all I need is a skinny jean.

Meet the parents

2010-03-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

Miserable day in the Chi...it went from 65 and sunny yesterday to snow, blustery winds, and 30s, how very miserable indeed. A perfect follow-up to a miserable night.

So one of my former FWBs was in town last night and invited me out to a bar called "houndstooth" and it was...a lot of young twenties men, the girls who love them, and basketball, oh and beer. You know you're too old when...when you are so over these kinds of places...(omg I am over the bar scene). I would much rather be at a low key wine bar or neighborhood bar than at a club or sports bar. Sigh, I am old.

So this FWB and I have not seen each other in over a year, and we have not seen each other with benefits in almost 2 years, and any further attempt in the recent MN days were all rebuffed. So then why would I agree to meet up out here in the Chi? Obviously, boredom...I would say yes to anything as evident by my German company. So considering my history with this FWB I really shouldn't have been surprised when he blatantly asked whether or not he would be spending the night. Apparently, as he explained, "why else would he have invited me?" (Did I mention this FWB is a very big asshole?) Not one to generally get or feel insulted I gently said no thanks, assured him that the reason being is that I am trying to change my karma, and I am sort of trying to see someone. All of that is true, in addition to the fact that he is an asshole, that he is a little insecure, and I do not care for his character, I mean buy me a drink, be a gentleman. So I declined the romantic assumption and excused myself...home by 9:00.

This FWB topic has been quite a running theme for awhile. It is very interesting that all of my FWBs of years past still contact me. To be clear I really only have 2 FWBs from my past: the guy from last night who I have essentially stopped seeing over 1.5 years ago, and my hot Latin FWB who I will be honest and admit that part of me is a little bit in love with. And I do like his character, his company, and his joie de vivre. (This FWB is the keeper of my German's). Sometimes I have referred to Big as an FWB but obviously he is so much more and if anything we are in a non-committed relationship, which in the past few months has been more of an X-non-committed relationship, and now likely will turn into an LA-X-non-committed relationship, oh sigh. And my new FWB relationship with CPA, I broke off last week. So there, really I am only down to 1 Latin FWB if any.

I am too old for the houndstooth and I am too old for FWBs! I want a real relationship that is based on someone actually liking me and thinking that I am worth seeing frequently. I want a relationship that leads to exchanging keys and meeting the parents.

Chanello

2010-03-17T17:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, apparently there is some hot party that everyone but me seems to have RSVPd to: that party is called 5 year plan party. What the heck is a 5 year plan? I can barely give you a 5 week plan let alone a 5 hour plan. 5 years!?? What am I some kind of psychic or fortune teller? Do I have a time machine and I've come back from the future? Um no, so why do Tony Robins, my LC, and my financial coach (yes I have one of those too now and no its not my Dad), all seem to think I need one; and why do several of my friends already have one? Pardon-ez moi, but was my invitation to a 5 year plan lost in the mail? If so, then that explains exactly why this party of one is feeling lost in life.

In management one of the favorite phrases used when coaching/disciplining people is "help me understand". For example: "Angela, help me understand why you thought it was okay that we pay you to do homework in a fitting room while working?" Uh-huh. "Help me understand" is a clever phrase to be used when an action, behavior, or concept is so completely absurd or foreign that you truly cannot understand on your own. So life, help me understand how the $#%#$^%$^& I am supposed to have a 5 year plan when I can't plan for 5 minutes, and help me understand why I am being punished for spontaneity and agreeableness?

Fact: It is true that I do not want a 5 year plan because I do not want to limit myself to anything that comes my way, and I do not want to set myself up for failure.
Fact: I do not understand how to create a 5 year plan.

But, as I said, Tony Robbins, my LC and my FC all seem to think a 5 year plan is absolutely necessary to getting what you want out of life. Annoyingly, this idea is reiterated in every self-help book I pick up such as "Think and grow rich". So here goes, I will dabble at a 5 year plan.

In 5 years I will be 32, which is one year before my scary age of 33. Scary to be defined as the reality of myself at age 27 and under.
-In 5 years I do not want to be myself at 27, I want to be a better version of myself, meaning:
1. I want to be (wow, I can't believe I am about to admit this) MARRIED.
2. I want to have my first, of two? children in my 10 year plan.
3. I want to either A) own Brashop, or B) pursue Brashop options.
4. If I do not own Brashop then I want to work in management.
5. I want to live debt free and on a budget w/ the ability to tithe, give, and save.
6. I want to live near my family (unless my husband's career dictates otherwise).
7. I want to attend church and nourish my faith regularly.
8. I want my girl-friendships to be a regular part of my life.
9. I want to live confidently and with passion!
10. I want to travel to Europe.
11. I really want a personal trainer and nutritionist (I will be 30s, I need them!)

That is what I want in my 5 year plan. Please do notice that I do not mention at all what I wish to own, the designers I wish to wear, or the cars I wish to drive. Ultimately, what I am learning is that it is the treasures we build in Heaven that matter, not the treasures we have on Earth. I want my treasures in Heaven to be bountiful with family and friends first, and if there is anyway Chanel can RSVP to that party, then yes, please yes.

He's just not that into you

2010-03-14T10:18:00.001-07:00

Okay, last night did not go as planned. Again, CPA cancelled Friday night with me (I was so pissed!) but we managed to get together yesterday night...my wonderful plan of figuring out what his motives are did not work out at all. Our night was not to go as planned from the moment I got a friendly call from my very hot Latin FWB. He explained that his young German exchange student and his girlfriend were stranded in Chicago and needed a place to stay...naturally I agreed to help them out and take 2 young 19 year old Germans in off the street. I didn't bother telling CPA in advance, I figured he owed me for standing me up on Fri.

So CPA came over and the 4 of us spent an hour together chatting. CPA was extremely kind and comfortable and made them feel very comfortable. Then when the German's left for dinner CPA and I started down the path of our typical benefits, but I bravely stopped and told him I needed to ask him something. Now let me explain first of all that I am TERRIBLE with these conversations, I have spent 10 years avoiding them (I think that I was scarred at 17 when I asked a guy to prom) so I have a difficult time articulating what I want.

Okay so here is a summary of our conversation.
Me: I don't like the idea of being the girl you come over to see for... (literally, ...)
Him: Well, I really thought we were going to do your taxes tonight?
Me: No, but you know what I mean, I am just too old for that type of relationship and I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something more, that has the potential to be longer term.
Him: (Silence)
Me: I just need you to know where I am coming from, I am just not interested in the whole FWB relationship.
Him: Well, that's good.
Me: Why is that good?
Him: Well FWBs never lead anywhere.
Me: I know, that's the whole genius and point behind the FWB.
Him: (Laugh).

And that was it. That was our conversation, I told you I was bad at them. I guess from what I took away from the short conversation is that he is not interested in me. Wow, Big moving to LA and CPA not into me, what a crappy couple of days. Or it is possible that he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about or wasn't listening, and I deduce this because we managed to have benefits even after I said I did not want a FWB relationship...obviously my actions did not necessarily support my firm stance...but you know.

I feel like I just can't win. Even with the power of intention, with coming to terms of letting Big go (to LA apparently), and with braving a conversation I would have never braved in the past, I am getting nowhere. The terrible part is that I actually do like CPA despite him being a home-body, young, shorter than me, slightly naive, etc, I actually do like him. As a friend and I talked about earlier today, we hate liking people, it opens us up to getting hurt. I don't want to get hurt and even through my personal growth and life coaching, I still take rejection really hard, so hard that I am not sure if it is worth opening myself up. For those who know me, they know that although I do fear being hurt and rejected, I still open myself up to the possibility, I do take chances, I do put in the effort despite my fears, and I do get hurt. This scenario reminds me of the movie "he's just not that into you" (which is the story of my life), where this girl Gigi continues to put herself out there no matter how big of a fool she makes of herself because she believes love is out there and she is going to find it. So the question is: do I believe love is out there? I don't know, I really don't know.

Hot for Elliott Stabler

2010-03-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

I just spent 1 hour, maybe 1 hour 30 minutes (SATC always slows the process down) getting ready for CPA only to be stood up! He texts me 30 minutes before he was supposed to be here wondering if we can get together tomorrow instead. He is still at work. I am trying to be rational about this, but come on! I am pissed! I am tired of being disappointed by people, because the fact is that I NEVER cancel on people, ever. If I am supposed to start defining what I want in my relationships and even friendships, then I define that my expectations of not cancelling are valid. As my LC says, my feelings are valid. Now I feel like I am all dressed up with no where to go. Law & Order, my couch, and my bed certainly appreciate my effort, hotness, and sexy scent, but my wallet and make-up/toiletries do not. It has been one of those days.

Big is possibly moving to LA (Napa Valley anyone?). He graduated today and apparently an LA studio is flying him out for an interview by way of a referral from one of his professors. It is actually ironic and perfect timing. I have come to terms with the fact that in order to attract a great man and relationship into my life I have to really, really let Big go. Not 5 hours after sharing this with my LC and getting to a point where I am indisputably ready for this, he calls with the Big news. He delicately said that if he does get this job and does move, he hopes we will "stay in touch". Stay in touch. That's nice. When all is said and done Big and I do not have the timing to work, and the true reality is that I love Big but I don't love him enough to wait 10 years to be with him. Big loves me but his career is and will remain his priority for a very long time allowing no room for me. I know that I am ready to lie Big to bed, but it really does hurt...it is scary to imagine being alone from Big, but it needs to happen and this is the way it needs to happen.

So back to CPA cancelling. I am not mad at him, nor do I think he is a bad person, nor do I think he is intentionally blowing me off, but I do think that it is important that I recognize that people who let me down consistently are not people I want in my life. This is not to say that its over with CPA, that he has ruined his chances, but as I do consider "deal-breakers" frequently cancelling is one of them. More than anything I want to feel like I am important and special...that simple desire is the whole basis of the book "how to win friends and influence people". If you are able to make someone else feel special and like a priority then they will like you. What I would have preferred is for CPA to have expressed how disappointed he is that he can't see me, that he promises to make it up to me. A simple sorry doesn't feel like enough. Again, we need to train the world how to treat us and by pretending that this doesn't bother me would be fake and not true to what I want and what I want to expect.

Now to my comments from last blog...one questioned whether or not I even like CPA (well not at the moment!) and one questioned whether or not I have a fear of commitment. First of all, do I like CPA...I think I may have mentioned the fact that I do not think CPA and I have much in common, but, unfortunately, I do think I like him anyway. How do I know? Well, I know right away if I don't like someone...I have many of them out there...attraction both physical and emotional is instantaneous. If I didn't like CPA I would know. There are many things I do like about him...he is genuine, he has a sound moral framework, he comes from a great family, he has a career, he has a slight accent, I am physically attracted to him, he is easy going, he is likable, he is sometimes considerate, he is sensual and passionate, he is agreeable, overall he is a well-rounded stable and confident man, and I think I like him (again, maybe not at the moment).

Do I have a fear of commitment. Yes and no. I never thought I did, but I do wonder. Breaking up with Big (3 years ago) was the worst time of my life...it broke me in every way imaginable and it brought out certain self-destructive tendencies that I could have never imagined I had. It took my soul. Thankfully with time and with counseling I got through it and I came out of it a better person times 10, but the thought of being hurt like that again is almost unbearable. I was too emotionally young at the time and the reason I took our break-up so hard is because I loved him so much, more than myself, more than anything in the world...obviously that suffocated him and nearly ruined me. You must always love yourself first and most, and only then can you love someone else in the right way. I have learned a lot, but the thought of loving someone else and the possibility of suffering if it does not work out is too terrifying. Big and I have come a long way in our relationship but part of the reason I have been holding on to him for so long is because I am comfortable with the pain...nothing else can happen between us that would devastate me further. With someone new, who knows what could happen?

This is the part where I brag about growing...my explanation on commitment is not currently who I am. Currently, I am someone who is willing to give up the safety of Big and venture into a relationship that is true to who I am. I want to be honest from the beginning of what my goals and I want to live with the intention of getting exactly what I want. So, CPA what I want is someone who shows up and lives by the integrity of his word, can you be that man?

for real yo

2010-03-11T18:39:00.000-08:00

And tomorrow brings a date or "something" with CPA. Did I mention he asked me for Friday on Tuesday? Is that progress? The question is whether or not I will have the courage to honest and tell him that I am not interested in continuing a friends with benefits relationship...sounds like a could be break-up. I have been in this situation before where a FWB broke up with me on my birthday although we were never really dating. I was kinda pissed, kinda insulted, I mean did that guy actually think we were dating or something? We were only FWB and the rules of FWB mean that you do not have to have the awkward I no longer want benefits with you conversation...you skip it and dissolve such a friendship by screening and erasing phone #s. Am I really saying this at 27 years old? No, I am saying it as a 26 year old, now as a much wiser 27 year old I am braving the possible break-up conversation in person. They say go big or go home.

The two possible outcomes are that he agrees to no longer continue a FWB relationship but he's not interested in anything more so we stop contact, or other possible outcome, he wants to date for real yo. To be honest both outcomes are pretty scary, the latter being the more scary. How do you start dating someone for real when all you are used to is FWB? The only guys I have ever been interested in have become my FWB. It is the guys I am not interested in that try to date me. I guess I am (here's that word again) afraid that if CPA wants to date me I will find out I don't like him and I will have to suffer the disappointment.

Stay tuned...

Think and grow rich!

2010-03-10T17:43:00.000-08:00

I have been reading this book called "Think and grow rich!" which was originally released in 1937 (thank you Wikipedia) and is considered to be one of the first motivational books ever written (slightly paraphrasing on that fact). Point is that I am reading yet another book to make me better at life. This one is quite interesting and actually falls in line with the current popular motivational thinkers of the Secret and Tony Robbins. It's principles state that to attract wealth as defined by the seeker, one must:
1. Fix in your mind the exact amount you desire
2. Determine what you intend to give in return
3. Establish a definite date which you wish to possess the money
4. Create a plan for carrying out desire, be ready to put plan in action
5. Write it out in clear and concise detail
6. Read your written statement aloud twice daily and SEE AND FEEL YOURSELF IN ALREADY IN POSSESSION
And voila, you will receive exactly what you ask for.

Obviously, this does not seem like rocket science, and yet we are reluctant to follow these steps. Breaking it down, if you know exactly what you are seeking, understand what sacrifices you must make in order to receive what you seek, create a plan to receiver what you seek, and focus on the feelings of having what you seek, then of course you shall receive it...law of attraction. I do believe that this principle does work and can work in all areas of your life...we all know those people who seem to have it all, or at least get everything that they want...well, suddenly I understand just why that is.

The reluctancy to put these principles to work often starts at step #1, define EXACTLY what you want. This is hard, again, I am so fearful of not getting what I want that I have a hard time saying what it is that I do want...I feel like I will know it when I see it, or I will get what I deserve. But look around, this does not seem to be true. What does seem to be true is that those who have a clear and unrelenting idea of what they want, get what they want. Second hardest part is being able to define what it is that you are willing to give up. The universe dictates that when you give up some part of your life, then that opens up room for something else to enter your life. You must be able to give something up; maybe it is compromising on a "deal-breaker", maybe it is letting go of the past, maybe it is getting past image and brand names (did I just say that?), maybe it is budgeting, maybe it is a lot of things, but point is, it has to be something. And the third hardest part is coming up with the plan, and compared to steps 1 and 2, this seems to be the easiest part.

These principles have been at work in my life although I have not always realized it. One example is the fact that I live in Chicago.
1. I really wanted to live in Chicago
2. I was willing to give up my comfortable life in Mpls, give up everything
3. I intended to move soon
4. I was going to work hard in order to get a promotion or be recognized as a viable candidate
5. (This one I did not do, but it was ever present in my mind)
6. I felt in every bone in my body that I was sure to live here...I originally interviewed (and was declined) for a Chi job in Aug of 08 and in April of 09 I was offered a job in Chi that was exactly made for me...I felt it in absolute terms that I belong in Chi, this is what I wanted.

As I continue my journey of self discovery I want to include these principles in attracting what I seek. I have been living a very aimless life in many ways, but I am going to start leading a life filled with intention, goals, desires, hopes and dreams. As Tony Robbins says, I am going to live a life with passion.

Can't hardly wait.

2010-03-09T19:42:00.000-08:00

I just got back from my financial class at the church and it was great! I can't believe I am about to say this, but I can't wait to make a budget! I do believe that like in all things, you have to be ready for change. Yes, yes, yes, I have dabbled at budgeting before, I have read some books, I have tried tracking spending and doing quick anaylsis, etc, etc, but it has never worked, and I am convinced it has never worked because I have never been fully committed to the change and accountability budgeting would require. It all goes back to the fear and the doubt...the fear that I will lose and sacrifice my lifestyle, the fear that I won't be able to stick to it, the fear of actually coming face to face with my financial reality, and so on. I feel the doubt creep in when I consider whether or not I will actually be able to pay off the debt and whether or not I can stick to a plan. I have led an all encompassing life of fear. I am once again facing my fears and inviting change in my spending, I am ready.

In SATC when Carrie breaks up with Aidan and has to buy her apartment, she goes to the bank where they tell her she is "undesireable" as a candidate for a loan...she later tells Big that she is worth nothing...naturally he tells her that she is worth a million bucks. This whole transition period in my life is essentially digging me out of a financial and emotional hole where I feel myself to be worth nothing, and getting me to a place where I feel like a million bucks...a billion actually. This is really really exciting, and I can't hardly wait!

I'm off the hook

2010-03-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

Suddenly I am feeling like I am good at Chicago...save for the fact that I did get slightly lost on my way to Spanish class last night. Much to my dismay, I did find the place eventually and managed to attend my class. I was one of two people. The other attendee was a girl around my age who knew absolutely no Spanish whatsoever...strange for an "intermediate" class. Although the class is a disappointment, and I suspect my native Spanish speaking teacher is ill-qualified (she had to look up vocabulary conjunctions!), I did enjoy completing the Spanish exercises. It is amazing how much I have actually retained considering that I have not used my Spanish in nearly 7 years. Que suprisa!

Tonight I attended my first financial budgeting/debt reduction class. Tonight's class only served to reiterate things I already know but completely ignore, the importance of your FICO score, the snowball debt reduction method, the need for budgeting, and value for paying in cash money. Two more classes to go and I will hopefully come out of it with a completed debt reduction plan and a feasible monthly budget...oh boy, things are about to change...what will my entertainment be if I can't go to Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and Jewel every week? What will I do with my spare time?

Actually, in the pending two months I do not plan on having as much free time. I have two more weeks of Spanish and Budgeting, 1 week of book club, 2 weeks of travel, and in the future, I will have 5 weeks of volleyball. Yes, I broke down, bit the bullet, and joined a volleyball team, possibly two. The first one I am officially committed to plays Tuesday nights in April. The second one will possibly play Friday nights. Noticeably missing from my booked calendar is my Hub meetings. The reality is that I did not really like many of the other hub attendee girls, and I really don't feel like being around CPA. Truthfully, I feel disappointed with his lack of pursuing me past FWBs and I would much rather avoid dealing with his lack of integrity in person. We will see what the next few weeks bring, but there is a Wed night Hub at a different location that I will possibly check out.

Speaking of the FWB, I am kind of willing to accept the responsibility that I may be partially to blame. I question why every man I try to be friends with turns into an FWB, but the reality is that I let it happen. I obviously know what my intentions and goals are, however, I would never say them out loud...as you recall, I call this holding onto my cards to keep him from completely folding altogether. I guess I have felt that it is better to have a little bit of attention sporadically than none at all...in theory that may be true, but in action it leaves me feeling rejected and worthless. I am not worthless, remember? There is no reason that I should feel bad about myself over a guy who is just looking to get play. As my LC said last week, we need to train the world how to treat us. As it turns out, I have been training the world that it is okay to only call me and give me attention when you need to get some, it is okay for you to lead me on with false hope to keep me on the "hook" (did anyone happen to see How I met your mother last night?), and that it is okay to not ask me out on dates. None of that is okay with me contrary to how I may have acted in the past. In the spirit of the new, this new Chi-girl is going to do her best to train the world how they are to treat her, and that starts with the CPA...if I ever do speak to him again, I will be committed to telling him how I feel and hopefully that piece of truth will show my integrity, and his lack there of.

No deal

2010-02-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

My LC also suggested that I come up with my deal breakers when it comes to men. If for some reason I don't get exactly what I am looking for in another person, then what characteristics am I not willing to compromise on? I thought that this list would be hard to come up with, but actually it turns out, its not.

It is a deal breaker if
-I am not attracted to him physically or mentally
-he is cheap
-he is judgemental
-he is boring and dull
-he is too out-spokenly opinionated
-he listens exclusively to rap
-he is controlling
-he is insecure or desperate
-he is a non-drinker
-he is married or in a relationship
-he has kids
-he lives in the country
-he is ignorant or prejudice
-he is uneducated
-he is not financially stable
-he doesn't have a sense of humor

There you have it, my deal breakers. Why is it so easy to say what we don't want, but often hard to say what we do want? Ah yes, the answer is in the thread that binds my blogs, a four letter loaded word: fear. The fear of not getting what we want, the fear of failing.

I believe in 312

2010-02-27T09:48:00.001-08:00

I had my second life coaching session yesterday...life coach sounds so much fancier than therapist doesn't it? Yes, I am really paying someone to listen to me talk about being single, this is a clear indication that I need more friends because friends have to listen to that for free. My LC does bring new insights to my thinking so it is not all a waste, and if she can help me get better at life and feel happier and more contented, then it is money well spent.

We started the conversation with what my ideal relationship would look like, who I want to be with, what I want long term, etc. I really struggled with this...I don't want to actually say what I ideally want out loud, because I know that the likelihood is that I won't get this and that will mean that I will have failed. By not saying it out loud, I am not setting myself up for disappointment. I bit the bullet and told her what my ideal relationship looks like, in a way I put it out there to the universe, and according to "the Secret" putting it out there is the first step to making it a reality...second step is to feel it as reality, and third step is to receive it. Easy right? Nope, because I struggle with step 2, believing that it can actually happen. My LC asked me if I thought it was possible for something to happen if you first don't believe it can? Honestly, I do believe that you have to believe in order for something to happen...it is the rule of the universe, law of attraction...it must be true. But I struggle with believing.

My wonderful friend here in Chi shared with me something that she once did while she was going through her self-exploration. Not knowing just what she believed in after suffering through a lot of trying and heart-breaking circumstances in her past, she made a list of what she did believe in. She is amazing and inspirational and I am glad I get to learn from her. Here is my list of beliefs.

I believe in my nephew Matthew...he is the best part of my life.
I believe in my family...who I have grown to appreciate and value more every day.
I believe in sunshine...its warmth and ability to lift the spirit.
I believe in fresh flowers...to remind us there is life.
I believe in bras...yep, really!
I believe in God and a higher power...
I believe in taking walks...(I don't believe in running!).
I believe in cats and dogs...I can't wait to get a cat named Cat.
I believe in general goodness...most people have goodness in them.
I believe in taking chances and trying...this can be hard.
I believe in 612...
I believe in the need to believe...baby steps.
I believe in equality...and non-judgement.
I believe in short skirts...
I believe that just by making a list of beliefs I am getting closer to believing in myself, my worth, and my ability to attract and receive everlasting love.

Better to err in delusion

2010-02-25T17:56:00.000-08:00

Back from my travels to DETROIT and can I just say, it wasn't so bad, actually, it was very "guyey". Guyey meaning there were many men everywhere; on the plane, at the hotel, at the restaurant, in my suitcase, everywhere. Single ladies, Detroit is calling and its calling kinda sexy.

Know what else is kinda sexy? Me. Apparently, I am a little bit sexy, why else would I have so many "friends with benefits?" Yes, yes, CPA and I are still FWBs.
I guess the topic of conversation with my life coach tomorrow should be why do men want to be my FWB but nothing more?

Speaking of my life coach, I still have not completed my homework of creating a list of 10 awesome things about me. I feel like this is some kind of childhood project that should involve coloring crayons...what would I draw? Okay here goes:
1. Brave
2. Spontaneous
3. Integral
4. Loyal
5. Discrete
6. Generous
7. Willing
8. Non-judgemental
9. Funny (as per my friend in Chi)
10. Trend-setter

Okay, this list is off the top of my head. Feel free my loyal readers to share with the world just why you like me :). And this is my list, partially chosen because it represents me as who I am today, and me as I aspire to be in the future. For example, my generosity is limited to my tough financial situation, however, I would love nothing more to be more generous to my family and friends in the future.

It is interesting that I note bravery as a strength. Most of the time I don't feel brave, I feel scared. I feel fear all of the time. But, I do feel that I have always taken courageous actions: I have moved across the country twice, I have dined and gone to movies alone, I have asked guys out, and I have been brave enough to take action steps to get involved. In fact, just today I signed up for 2 volleyball teams that start in April.

Voila, there are awesome things about me and the most important part is that I believe them to be true. On a side note, I have often thought that there were so many awesome things about me that I couldn't understand why I was single...sometimes I am not sure if I suffer from low self esteem or too high self esteem. Better to error on the high.

Hold onto your cards

2010-02-22T08:17:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons that we hold on desperately to our past failed relationships is because the thought of dating is daunting and exhausting. The dating experience is rife with awkward moments, uncertainty, regret, game playing, strategy, anxiety, analysis; it is like a chess match, move and counter move, always trying to get their king. Its like a staring contest, you don't want to be the one to blink first. Its also like a poker game, never show your hand and let on that you might actually like the other person, because what if they don't like you back and fold? So you hold your cards and work your ass off not to show vulnerability. If this is dating, then it is no wonder why we hold on to our past.

After seeing CPA on V-Day I decided to invite him to a movie over the weekend. Strategic move, I wanted to see new Leo movie, I didn't want to pay for it, and I wanted to have something to do on a Friday night, enter CPA. He gleefully accepted my invitation and then proceeded to step up in the guy role by checking movie times, paying for the tickets ahead of time, and picking me up (he even came to the door). We had a good time on our first official date (was it even a date?). Ironically, at the movie theater we ran into his neighbor and Hub attendee...we were outted. We affectionately held hands in the movie and then he kissed me goodnight without the suggestion of a future date. He also let me in on a house rule: no sleepovers. Remember, he does live with a pastor. Nice rule, now I have to analyze whether or not he thinks I am a bad girl, and I have to analyze whether or not this rule makes him a hypocrite.

Fearing a boring Sunday, I decided to risk it all and invite CPA over for dinner (my life coach did instruct me to put myself in vulnerable situations, and one of my "awesome" characteristics is that I take chances and try). He excitedly agreed and even picked up the dinner and cooked. It seems that I need to be the one to initiate, and then he has no problem stepping up to the plate. And I don't always need to be the initiator...he has no problem initiating and taking the lead in other situations. And I will say, we have reached an R rating...not full R, but very close. And its very good.

So there you have it, neither of us has shown our cards or opened ourselves up to being truly vulnerable by questioning out loud, whether we are in fact "dating". As far as I know, we are just sleeping together without sleeping together if you catch my drift. My assumption is that we are friends with benefits, but trust me, I have enough friends with benefits and am looking for something more. But I assure you, as the rules of dating seem to dictate, I will never admit to that out loud, I won't be the first to go all in.

Stinky cheese, stinky life?

2010-02-18T17:01:00.000-08:00

Today is the day I hired a Life Coach. Seriously. I hired a Life Coach to help me develop short and long term goals, and create intention toward achieving successes. (And lets face it, I am desperate to talk to someone about me, even if I have to pay them)! I would liken a life coach to a self-help book or a Tony Robbins program, same ideas, same motivations, only a life coach is a live person who follows up and demands accountability! And I will note here that a life coach is not a therapist (I asked) as a therapist digs into the past and a life coach concentrates on the now and the future.

My life coach was a female and my age (yikes, my age? how embarrassing!), and very nice. (Truly in retrospect I am more embarrassed about sharing my issues and problems in the middle of a hot sexy Starbucks--apparently I am at a point of shame so low that I have no shame). We did a quick Q&A where I spilled the beans on all of my issues: from not being able to create relationships or friendships, to feeling out of place at work, to feeling like a failure for being single, to feeling like I am financially incapable, to feeling fear of letting go (of you know who), tom feeling disappointed at the speed of my growth, to feeling ultimately that I have lost my confidence. And alarmingly, I admitted that I don't know if I have faith (yes I have a general faith in God et al) but I feel like I am losing faith in everything happens for a reason, in if you let go of past relationships you open yourself up to new ones, and mostly, I feel like I have lost faith in love. I was honest, I feel a bit of a fool, but I was honest, more honest with my life coach than I bet I have been with most of my friends...what does that say? I think it says that we all put up appearances, and she confirmed such, we all want to appear like we "have it all" and are great at life and better at life than the next person, but inside, we are all struggling with something.

To reiterate, the best part of having a real live life coach is that they assign you homework and expect accountability. (Quick, one weird thing about my coach is that she attends the church I attend, and she leads a Hub (the hub is the small group I go to on Tuesdays), of course this connection only led her to ask how much I pray...well, I would like to grow spiritually so, hmm.) So my life coach assigned me some homework, and you my loyal reader get to be in on it.
1. Take 15 minutes every morning to do something that you enjoy such as reading or enjoying a cup of coffee. By doing this I will have a better start to my day. This means I have to get up early, and never in my life have I gotten up early to do anything, I have always slept till the last possible moment. But I am committed and I don't think 15 minutes has ever killed anyone.
2. Write down 10 things about myself that are awesome. What is my elevator speech?. First of all, are there 10 things? I will let you know.
3. I have to think about vulnerability. Meaning, I have to put myself in vulnerable situations where I do not feel comfortable and try to ask questions or share about myself. I have to do this every week at the Hub which is why I skipped this Tuesday's HH...guess I need to get back on the wagon.
4. I need to eliminate the word should from my vocabulary...as a result of how many times I said I should...be in a relationship, be better at my job, be more outgoing, etc, etc. I can replace should with I would like to.
5. I shall (a fancy should?) not be too hard on myself.
6. Think about the relationships in my life, while understanding that letting go makes room for new relationships to enter my life. As formerly noted, do I have the faith to believe this to be true?
7. Visualize the best case scenario of what could walk into my life. I countered this with questioning whether I would deserve that? She said that deserve is another dangerous word to be eliminated from vocabulary...to expand on next week. And excuse me, but I spent my middle school years visualizing Jonathon Taylor Thomas being my next door neighbor and falling in love with me...visualizing doesn't work! But okay, I will try.
8. Pray, honestly.

And my own on-going homeworks:
1. Drink more water
2. Try to improve diet and exercise.
Apparently, diet and water intake do affect mood and lead to depression. Maybe cheese causes depression?

I will be honest and tell you that I do feel extremely guilty for not feeling happier with my life; I do recognize that I have an amazing life, a great job, a wonderful family, and excellent health. I am unbelievably lucky, blessed, and fortunate in every way imaginable, but I am human and susceptible to feeling discontent. Maybe its the cheese.

So anyway, I will be meeting with my LC weekly to review progress and reevaluate focus. I just thought of my first "awesome" thing about me: I am trying.

Date like a clever man

2010-02-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

Hello again, its me Mrs Robinson. I feel like a Mrs Robinson anyway. Although I have only been on dates with 4 guys here in Chicago, they have all been younger than me! I think 2 were 24, 1 was 25, and 1 was 26. I am 27 and suddenly I am feeling like I might as well be 35 (my scary age). While the guys didn't seem to mind my age, I wonder if I could ever actually seriously date a younger man?

A girlfriend of mine believes that it is at the age of 35 that a city guy grows up and is ready to be in a serious relationship, get married, and have kids. Some men I have spoken to claim that there is no specific age where this happens, however these were all single guys under the age of 35 so I don't necessarily find them to be credible. If this is the case, then dating young men under the age of 35 is a waste of time.

Thinking about it, if I were a hot guy with a great job and charming personality I would date as many women as I could without commitment. Committing to someone would be too hassling; I would have to call her on a regular basis, she would get mad at me for wanting to play video games instead of hanging out, she wouldn't like my friends, I would have to pay for her meals and drinks, she would mother me, etc, etc. As a guy I would much rather reference my list of booty calls when I need to get laid rather than deal with the relationship expectations. This makes perfect sense, men are so clever! Actually, they kind of are, but unfortunately this cleverness makes them act like assholes.

Do these clever men have the right idea? Do they make the most out of their "good" years? Do they go through life never feeling rejection or pain? Do they have stronger and longer term friendships with their buddies? Are they more accomplished at their careers because of focus? Do they have more joy and fun? Do they feel more fulfilled and content with life? Do they...? I have a feeling that the answer to these questions is YES!

I think that we city women are left with 2 choices. 1. Date a man 35+ if we are interested in finding a relationship and a husband. 2. Date like a man. Unfortunately, be prepared, if you date like a man you will likely end up in cougartown.

my funny valentine

2010-02-15T16:13:00.000-08:00

Happy (belated) Valentine's Day everyone! My favorite holiday by far...lol. In honor of the charming holiday that couples celebrate by being in love and flaunting it duly, and singles celebrate by crawling into a hole in the sofa and eating lot of ice cream, I thought it was a good time to look back on my V Day memories.
Age 0-13 celebrated with Valentine's card--my favorite part was folding along the perforated edges. Barbie, Toy Story, Little Mermaid, and Lion King cards passed to each classmate, the best Valentine's were the ones with chocolate! (I really miss my childhood!)
Age 14-19 Every year it was crunch time from December to Feb 14 to see if we could get dates. Never worked. We ate ice cream on the couch.
Age 20- First V-Day date of sorts. Actually we were "just friends" but wouldn't you know this "nice" science nerd put the moves on me during the Big Lebowski.
Age 21- Went to the bar with girlfriends. It was fun!
Age 22- What the heck did I do this year?
Age 23- Worked this night and Big who I was casually trying to date chose to "hang out" with another girl...oh, there was drama.
Age 24- My first Valentine's day with a proper "Valentine" only I was living in NYC and so we did not get to celebrate. I sent a card.
Age 25- I worked at the restaurant I managed tonight of all nights. So embarrassed when my best friend from elementary school walked in. This is probably why I agreed to spend the rest of the night with Skipper.
Age 26- I can't remember this year either...do I have an early onset of Alzheimer's
Age 27- Spent the day with my girlfriend and her mom. :). And, because I can't seem to break this pattern, CPA came over for a little PG-13 fun. I figure if you can't beat em, join em.

My girlfriend gave me the most thoughtful gift...it is a book titled "I can't be good all the time". It is true, I can't be good all the time, and guess what, I kinda like that about myself.

God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson

2010-02-06T19:02:00.001-08:00

"You belong to me." That is the what Mr Paul Varjack tells Ms Holly Golightly in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" one of my all time favorite movies. In this delicious film, Holly is a girl trying to get by on the generosity of rich men, but don't get me wrong, she does not at any point engage in lewd acts to smitten these men. Instead, she is a "real phony", she uses her charming personality to attract men in order to save money and earn a better life for her and her brother. Mr Paul Varjack gets by by way of his "decorator", and all is well until he falls in love with Holly. Can't blame him really, I fell in love with Holly. She is my female crush (in addition to SJP and Jen An), she is exceptional. But the climax of the movie comes and he says to a reluctant Audrey, "I'm in love with you, you belong to me and I belong to you". Unfortunately, my current circumstance allows me time to ponder such statements on a Saturday night and I do question, if you fall in love with someone, do you belong to them?

One definition of belonging states that belonging is an acceptance as a natural member or part of. Belonging as being a part of... I would say that if you love someone, you are a part of them or are working toward being a part of them. Naturally. The danger comes in if you are a part of them, are you still honoring yourself first?

I would say that relationships stipulate that you are in fact a part of the other person, your union would dictate such, ergo, 2 people in love do belong to each other. The trouble is that love doesn't conquer all. While Ms Golightly was in love, she was not willing to belong to anyone until she realized that belonging to someone was the only way to experience true happiness.

A friend of mine has always professed that you may never fall out of love until you fall in love with someone else. If that were true, then you always belong to someone else until you belong to someone new. In my life I have only ever been in love with one person Big, and in every way imaginable, and irritatingly, I have belonged to him. I have belonged to Big for a long time and although he and I do not at present have any contact nor will we ever have a future, I still belong to him in many ways. The thing is, I might belong to him, but he has never belonged to me. My search for Mr Right therefore extends past a desire to just fall in love, it extends to a search of a feeling of belonging. I want to belong to someone else, and I want them to belong to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my cinema adventure extends into the Graduate. Maybe, just maybe all future young men will belong to me, Mrs Robinson.

the good guy: the myth explored

2010-02-06T10:29:00.000-08:00

Back in black, actually OPI Russian Navy Matte. Apparently, Matte is the new fashion in nail color and I absolutely had to try it out. My verdict: not a lover. Matte finish looks like coloring in your nails with a sharpie. Although I am not sold, I will keep it for awhile...its cutting edge and sadly represents my mood after being disappointed yet again, by a supposed "good guy".

All apologies to my readers (myself) for absence of blog this week. Truly I have felt uninspired for content, and on top of that I have suffered a wicked inability to articulate what I would like to in the natural and pretty prose I usually do. Maybe that content was better left unwritten. Fortunately, I have new content to explore: "the good guy".

Last weekend at a girlfriend's party, the subject turned to the appeal of good guys vs bad boys and how women are often more attracted to the latter. I myself will say that I like the bad boys. Of course this conversation always questions the why do nice guys finish last and why do women always go with losers? I am here to set the record straight as according to me: nice guys are not nice guys!! The truth is that men are men, the good guys screw you and the bad boys screw you (and its usually better!). The difference between the good guys and the bad boys is that when a bad boy screws you (in a metaphorical sense) you expect it and see it coming, but when a good guy screws you, you never see it coming and you will be left in pain uttering "I thought he was a good guy, I thought he was different". And when a bad boy treats you poorly or acts like an asshole, you expect it, but when a good guy does it, it is unexpected and to a point less forgivable.

Here are a few examples of the good guys I have tried on.
-One good guy (who actually was in love w/ me) cancelled on me on my birthday because it was raining outside.
-One good guy broke up with me because I would not have sex with him.
-One good guy assaulted me in public by pulling my hair and verbally insulting me.
-And many many good guys have used me for intimate purposes never to be heard of from again.
-And many many other examples of how good guys act like assholes.
Okay, maybe my good guy examples are not all that dramatic and painful, however each one was a clear reminder to me that there is no good guy vs bad boy, there is only men, and they are all the same; they are all capable of hurting you.

Here are some reasons why I like bad boys:
-Bad boys are sexy and bad.
-Bad boys are confident and charming.
-Bad boys are busy and exciting.
-Bad boys are a challenge.
And once you fall for a bad boy, you think you can change them, they become a project, an obsession. But I think any of the women in this situation can tell you, you never actually expect things to work out with a bad boy, they are for Mr Right Now, and not for Mr Right. And because of this, when things do end, you knew they would. When things don't work out with a good guy, a guy you want to see as Mr Right, it is unexpected.

At the end of the day good guy vs bad boy doesn't really matter. We are all attracted to who we are attracted to, to that je ne said quoi. Mr Right will be the guy who treats you the best and loves you the most of all of the good guys and bad boys. So please, take it easy on the bad boys, they aren't so bad.

And here to substantiate a myth of can you change a bad boy into a good man? I know one girl who actually did it. My darling friend started to date a bad boy, he smoked, did recreational drugs, and had a ponytail. Then after a few dates she tells him that she won't seriously date a guy who does drugs...he quit immediately, cut his hair, and started wearing premium denim and Burberry business suits. It can happen!

Je ne sais quoi, je ne comprends pas

2010-01-25T17:56:00.000-08:00

I ended up wearing a slightly inappropriate short skirt to church on Sunday, but I wore it with dignity. Not sure it got its worth, I mean the big winter parka, mummy scarf, and black tights sort of detract from the hot and don't I have great legs look I was trying to go for. Oh well, if there is one thing that I have learned in life it is that "looks" don't really matter. Not sure why this took so long to realize and after writing it out loud, I am still not sure I believe it to be true. But then again, the girl-next-door attraction is total and complete proof of this. And what about the girls that wear sweatshirts in public, Juicy velour, Coach bags, short hair, and who drink beer? Entirely unattractive in my opinion (okay, fine Coach in moderation is fine, and sweatshirts to the gym are OK). I guess what I have come to understand in my old age is that what I find to be attractive does not always match what others find to be attractive. I guess if it did merely 5% of the population would be married (I think there is a Seinfeld about this where 95% of the population is considered "ugly" and "undateable").

It is a truth that women dress for other women. I am very prone to this, and I recently noticed that my wardrobe while admired and appreciated by many, is not one bit guy-sexy. I don't own much color, I don't have casual outfits, I don't own anything particularly low cut or super short, etc. I guess my version of sexy is a blazer over a dress, or an I heart Mpls tee with a bubble skirt. Always trend-right with a classic flair. But again, I have missed out on understanding what makes men attracted to a woman. Actually, let me rephrase; my lack of understanding extends past understanding what attracts them to a woman physically, it extends to what attracts a man to a woman mentally. If it is not "looks" what is it? Of course we are led to believe that what attracts one person to another is the je ne sais quoi and this je ne sais quoi is only shared between a few key people in our lives that Carrie would say emerge as great loves. I am a believer in the je ne sais quoi, I am just not sure I am a believer in great loves.

And to end, I blame Barbie. I think somewhere in my young age I associated being pretty, classy, and dressing well with being envied. I assumed that if you could pull off those things, you would have a better life. If Barbie could be pretty, classy, well-dressed, a princess, a doctor, a nurse, a babysitter, a model, a lawyer, a flight attendant, and a veterinarian, then why couldn't we? I guess she had that certain je ne sais quoi.

The bride did not wear white part II

2010-01-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

Today at the gym I happened upon the monthly column "jake, a man's opinion" in my January Glamour. The title: Why men love "taken" women. How very appropriate seeing as I have pondered the same thing on my recent blog. In this charming edition, Jake, a single dating man in NYC, wonders why men, and now he, are attracted to taken (and I will add recently single) women. Apparently, there is even a term for it, bird-dogging. So, as one bird-dogger admits, the reason is because if the woman is taken, men feel less performance anxiety and can just be themselves. Okay, I have to give a little credit to this explanation because I myself am guilty of in a sense bird-dogging.

When I was a wee college student I dated one of my friend's very newly, ex-boyfriend, and I kissed another one. Neither lasted obviously. Even when I started seeing Big, he had a live-in girlfriend. But, much of the reason I felt such an (truly misguided) attraction for them was because I could be myself around them and I did not feel any pressure. Suddenly, I am feeling a bit of "a kettle calling the pot black..." or however that saying goes. I am guilty. Please do not judge too harshly as that is 4-5 years in my past. I am not a good "guys" girl, I view every single man as a potential mate...this is why I am not able to keep friendships with men (hello, CPA). I can only be my true self around men who are already in relationships because I am not viewing them as a possible boyfriend.

Don't worry, this does not mean I am going to start flirting with my friends' men, this only means that I somewhat understand the attraction to married, and recently single women. The men who dig these women are able to get to know each other with out the immediate pretense of "where can this lead?".

And ladies, I still believe there should be a "waiting" period (but that is only coming from my selfish single self :)).

Strength, dignity, and a short skirt

2010-01-23T17:49:00.001-08:00

What a difference a day makes. I would like to preface and say to all of my loyal readers and 3 followers that this is not going to be pretty. Honestly, I feel like I need to create a second blog for my "bad" days so as to not disappoint, and so as to not evoke doubt in your precious minds. But today has not been a good day.

It doesn't matter the steps you take to alter your current circumstance or change who you are...it doesn't last forever. We are all susceptible to the good and the bad and the happy and the sad, we just are. Today I just feel humiliation.

Normally when I feel this way I keep it to myself or drunkenly make late night phone calls to friends. Today, I will just write about it. Although my CPA was the one who suggested we get together this weekend, he has of course stood me up. He "has to work" tonight and has to watch hockey tomorrow. Really? Really? He did offer to ride to church together, but I see right through that attempt to appear like a good guy, and so I declined. I really can't face him. I am humiliated.

I do not take rejection well. This must be genetic as the probable source of my brother's mildly severe case of OCD stemmed from a girl who broke up with him back in the day. Since then he has not been able to lead any kind of normal life. Yes, I am glad to not be that severe a case, I don't go through 2 bars of soap in a day, and I am not dependent on my daily Chipotle burrito intake. But I suppose I do have my own "coping" methods. Obviously, drinking was one of them, smoking was one of them, calling up old f*** buddies, another. And tonight I am guilty of the 2 out of 3, and to be clear, I have not had a drink. And as for the other two: smoking, well I don't even really like it but it does help when I feel anxious, and the second, come on, I really don't want to waste a room at the W and my Latin lover is just too damn sexy. Most likely I won't end up seeing him anyway.

So there you have it, once again my "progress" and hope has been completely erased (just for the moment) by rejection. I know tomorrow will be a better day.

Actually, as I sit here longer and ponder this, I realize that I cannot let my emotions and my hurt pride stop me from doing what I like to do. I cannot let it stop me from being brave and holding my head up high. I will go to church tomorrow, I will sit in the "hub" section, and I will bravely and humbly face my fear and the CPA. A few weeks ago I opened a bible for the first time and the verse I came to read "she is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs as though she has no fear of the future". As I said before I have faced many of my fears already, but I still have to learn to live as though I have no fear of the future. I am not afraid.

To end, I think that my creation of this blog to hold myself accountable has truly worked tonight. If I had allowed myself the routine of wallowing and internalizing all of these feelings, I would not have been able to come to this conclusion. Tomorrow I will be clothed in strength and dignity and in a short church-appropriate skirt. I will learn to laugh honestly and genuinely as though I have no fear of the future.

Love, actually

2010-01-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

When I structured my own intervention I committed to giving up my most dangerous vices. Drinking alone, binge drinking, binge drinking alone, and BIG. Obviously cutting liquor out was relatively easy as I poured it down the drain; giving up Big not so easy. Truly, if I could have forcibly poured Big down a big drain that emptied out into space, I would have. Instead, I planned on changing my phone number to a proper Chi-phone number and thus alleviate myself from the anxiety of "why hasn't he called". As you can probably guess, I did not get around to changing my number, and to be honest, the reason why is because I knew the moment after I had the "break up, break down" talk, that I didn't need to. This time is different, I am different.

I have not for a single second felt anxious or restless or panicked by my phone's silence. And when it has rang Big, I have screened. Yes, of course he has called. I spoke to him once two weeks ago--it was okay as it gave me the opportunity to finally be honest with him and tell him why I didn't want him a part of my life anymore. I for once wasn't afraid to be honest, and I wasn't afraid of losing him, because you can't lose something you never had. Big called again last week and then again last night. I called him back today (hey! hold the judgment) and we had a short conversation that was cordial, friendly, and not at all manipulative. It was the type of conversation that could be the last, that mutually declared that we accept the situation, and we wish each other the best. I then (for the very first time) ended the conversation. Dare I say closure, but I feel like this is the most dignified and honest end that we could have hoped for, and a lot of it was because of what wasn't said. I think he let me go (okay, break for a tear), but its okay he let me go because I let him go too.

Big and I were not meant to be and it is not anything I did or he did (come on, obviously it was all his fault), we just were not compatible, and we couldn't make each other happy. Whew, is that the first time I have said that that I actually meant it? The truth is my love for Big made me afraid of everything; of being alone, of wanting for the future, of rejection, of everything. Mostly it made me afraid that I wasn't worth it and that fear has stayed with me, until now.

Today, I am no longer afraid to say that I want to find a wonderful, considerate, stable, successful, kind, loving, honest man who has the integrity to do right by his word. I am not afraid to say that I probably do want to get married, and I probably do want to have kid(s). I am not afraid to say that I care about myself enough to make sure that the next relationship I am in is with the man that can make my dreams come true. I am not afraid to say that I am worth it. I am not afraid.

(although I think that that was a perfect ending to today's edition of my blog, I do need to let my one "follower" know that my CPA texted last night and sort of asked me out, well in, for this weekend.)

Love actually may be, all around.

and the bride DID NOT wear white

2010-01-19T18:26:00.001-08:00

I have to admit that I find very many things quite baffling in this world; suburbs, pixie cuts, the appeal of Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie, vegetables, basketball, "girl next doors", and certainly, I find young, divorced women who get married w/in a year of getting divorced, quite baffling. To clarify, this is not me being jealous, judgmental, resentful, or spiteful, this is me being truly perplexed by this reoccurring phenomenon. I guess, and I say this with as much self respect as I can muster, I don't understand how I can't seem to get married once, and these women are doing it twice, or sometimes three times by the age of 28. Is it that they are more lovable? Are they easy? Are they more confident (should a divorce give you confidence)? Do they have lower standards? Are they lucky in love (are you lucky in love if you're divorced)? Do they learn faster from their mistakes? Do they just know more people and more men from their past life? Do they have low self-esteem? Are they codependent? What is it? Please help me understand the appeal!

I know that these women are probably quite fabulous and deserve to be in happy relationships as much as the next person, but shouldn't there be some kind of waiting period? Shouldn't they have to "wait their turn" and wait in line after the never married but fabulous singles? Or do married and divorced women have something the rest of us don't? I know my fabulous married friend seems to get more attention than any of her single girlfriends times 10. Hello! Men, she is MARRIED!

Please, if you are a married or a divorced woman, it is time to tell all.

PG fun is the best kind

2010-01-18T16:06:00.001-08:00

All I can say about this weekend is that I need to start more book clubs. Saturday afternoon marked the first meet and greet for my book club. Out of the 10 people who showed interest, 4-6 RSVPd, and 1 actually showed up. Her name is Mary and she is fabulous, pretty, normal, late twenties, and very nice. She and I talked book club and made our choices for the next meeting. Expecting a lot of no-shows I also invited an acquaintance from the hub. I had met him the first hub night and then last weekend he gave me a ride home from the slavery movie and to and fro church...I had mentioned then that I was starting a book club. I decided to invite him to Saturday's meet and greet and he wanted to go, but he needed to come late. Of course that was no problem and he met me a little after 4:00. He grabbed us coffee and then we headed out to Border's about a 1-2 mile walk, to buy the book. From there we headed to Chili Mac's (my fav dive pizza place) and we enjoyed the wondrous Chili Mac pizza. What a fun little impromptu date night we had; but it didn't end there.

After dinner we rented a couple of Red Box's and he came over where we watched three movies (he likes Clue too!) and enjoyed fun, easy conversation and edamame. And, it was very unexpected and totally hot to find out that this nice Christian boy has got game! He easily and confidently seduced me into a passionate and attentive (and slightly teenage) make-out session. It was prefect. He declined to stay over (he lives with a pastor) and left at 4:00am.

At 9:00 Sunday I picked him up for church which worked out quite well because I needed a man's help in getting my oil filled up and my car washed. We sat together on our own at church and then met up with the Hub group after for lunch. I am getting to recognize people and their names better and better each day. After lunch we headed over to BP to take care of car stuff. Obviously, the next morning can always be a little awkward, which is why I was relieved that he suggested he should come over to watch the Chicago based Candyman. So he he came over and we watched Candyman and then Moulin Rouge, and then I experienced the most sensual pleasure of my life. This seemingly innocent church boy knows exactly how and where to touch a woman--PG style, which makes it all the sexier. He left at 10:00.

So who is this book lover? He is different from every guy from my past, and in many ways he is exactly what I have been looking for-- he is in finance (a CPA) at a big firm, he is really laid back, he is well liked, he is funny and has a great sense of humor, he loves his family, he is a Christian, he likes Seinfeld and hates onions, he hates watching Basketball on TV, and he is a good person. BUT he is also shorter and younger than me. 5'9" and 24. And he wears belt buckles (like big ones) and bought his last suit at the Men's Wearhouse. To top it off, I can't really read him, and I have no idea if he is into me. You would get the impression that he likes me, I mean he did spend almost 24 hours with me this wknd, but then he didn't suggest or ask or say he would like to see me again. He is in IN all week for work and and our goodbye was a "see ya".

Honestly, I feel like I am cursed, even when I try, I always end up violating every self help date book and I let things go a little too far on the first date. I give into the chemistry and live in the moment--it would be rude not to. (I wonder if PG interaction is a loop hole?) and (I wonder if the fact that it not being a date is a loop hole). Are good Christian boys also capable of the use em and leave em? I could analyze this forever, instead, the new me will accept that whatever is meant to be shall be.

What a great weekend :)

I Francy the W

2010-01-15T16:48:00.000-08:00

January 15, wow, just 2 weeks in. Today is the first day I really feel like cracking open a bottle of wine (but I am restraining). There isn't any particular reason, I just feel like it.

This week my boss was in town and that is always very draining. She is absolutely outstanding at her job...she is amazing and talented and smart and professional and really gets the job and the big picture. I am really lucky to work for such a great mentor, however, she is so good that she makes me feel like I suck. At some point in time we all will have careers that get to the next step of responsibility and its hard to get used to. It has taken me a very long time to acclimate to this new position, and in many ways I have done good work, but I need to get better. So, for that reason, I feel drained. I am lucky to have a job where I truly have the freedom to do what I want with this position in the vanity of driving sales...through training, merchandise execution, and through communication. I have to start being best friends with store managers at each one of my stores as well as with VPs. Last night we went to dinner with the account executive of our most important vendor, and I still just can't get over the feeling that I don't belong. I am getting more comfortable every day, but it is still intimidating. At the very least, both the store managers raved about how much they appreciate my help in their stores...I really can't be doing that bad if I have "won" with my 2 biggest volume doors, right? Right. And, I think that there is a good chance that I will drop my WI stores and pick up 3 stores in Detroit. I like the idea of travelling (even if it is DET), but because I will have to fly, I will be missing out on a lot of the mileage reimbursement that really boosts my paychecks...so in a sense, I will be making less $. I obviously don't like this option, but I have to go where I am needed. So, that is that.

Everything else is going fine. I happened to be the only one in my Spanish class on Monday night. I declined the "private tutoring" and re-booked for Feb's term. I am disappointed :(. Que lastima, estoy muy triste! And, tomorrow is my first book club meeting...I am very nervous that there will only be like 3 people who show up and it will fail. Oh well at least I am trying. What else can I do? Maybe I will look at volunteering as my next reinvention project. Any suggestions? I will not do online dating, however, when I moved here I did sign up for one of those services that match you with a millionaire...shouldn't they be calling soon? And I still think that Brashop should be a reality TV show on the style network about 2 young women who open a bra business.

Good news, I somewhat fancy color me francey, and I will be in town Jan 28th-Feb 1st courtesy of my job. I am booked at the W for that Thursday night...this will be my second time staying there, this time bound to be much less sexy.

I heart my dad

2010-01-12T19:59:00.000-08:00

Hell has certainly frozen over. Talk about making changes in 2010. I just finished sending my dad all of my credit card user names and passwords. My life is officially an open book. I actually feel pretty heartbroken and like a complete failure for having to do so. What was the prompt? It turns out that my Visa company lowered my credit limit by over $2000! When I found out I instantly burst into tears not because I needed to buy something, but because it is symptomatic of the current state of my finances and lets face it, my life. BAD. Talk about feeling worthless.

In MN I actually managed pretty fine, but it turns out that moving to Chicago is expensive (and I didn't even pay for it). What has happened is that I now pay more than $200 more a month in rent, I stupidly joined a contract gym, I have to pay for all of the utilities and Internet on my own, I have taken several trips back to MN to save my sanity, and of course the wonderful car + insurance payments and student loans. Gas, food, and tax are all more expensive here. Ultimately, what has killed me is that I never learned how to manage my finances in MN and so I was ill prepared to make any lifestyle adjustments out here and it is killing me. Believe it or not, I have cut down on my spending in the wardrobe dept, I really feel like my work wardrobe is down to rags and I can't even afford a new coat which I desperately need.

So there you have it, in tears I humbly called my Dad (who has been aching to see my finances for years) and asked for help. He was very kind and promised not to get mad as he reviews my situation. He HATES to see credit card companies getting richer and is happy to lend me his interest rate and take the tax credit. I am really lucky to have such a great dad, and I am really lucky to be employed.

Big, Skipper, and a Russian McFadden

2010-01-11T19:10:00.000-08:00

Apparently, there are 5 signs of compatibility that you must have with your partner before you marry them.
1. Spiritual-same type of faith
2. Character-are they a good person?
3. Emotional- peel back the layers
4. Communication-ability to communicate and listen to each other
5. Attractiveness-physical and sexual attraction

Today I am going to compare the relatively consistent 3 most recent men in my life to this list of compatibility traits. My goal is to make myself feel relieved that I am not in a relationship with, nor married to the following men...To be easy lets name them Big, Skipper, and Alexandre+McFadden (the Russian + Carrie's Fuck Buddy) (yes, all references to SATC).

Starting w/ Big.
1. NO Although Big is an Irish Catholic he does not exhibit any spiritual tendencies or faith-based decisions. He views marriage as sacred to the church and would be opposed to divorce. Ironically, that is the one and only church based rule he would follow, and he seems to be pro adultery.
2. NO Character--Do I really need to bother with this one? Big is a guy who gets into fights at the W, nuff said.
3. YES AND NO Big is very open about his past, childhood, hopes, dreams, etc. It is actually me that is not open at all about certain layers to me. At the same point, I do not feel asked to share and therefor I do not feel comfortable doing so.
4. YES AND NO We can communicate in the daily conversation and have a jolly ole time. We cannot however communicate at all about "us". It used to be that I was so afraid of losing Big that I never could say what I felt. If I did say something, then everything I said was turned around and manipulated. In the last few years it has been just easier to say nothing.
5. YES Yes, there is a strong, powerful amount of attraction--I just can't explain it.

2.0 out of 5 is NOT A COMPATIBLE MATCH

Skipper-(You remember Skipper from SE 1. He was IN LOVE W/ Miranda but she truly was not interested--save for a few occasions where he did something surprising like blow her off.) Yep, I have that guy.
1. MAYBE He does seem to exhibit a certain peace about him that I have to believe exists in spiritual people. There is a good chance we would be a match however we have never actually talked about faith.
2. YES AND A LITTLE NO He has a good character and is generally a good person with a good heart. He really cares about people, maybe a little too much. A little "no" is that he does not seem to be a man of his word, he has very little follow through on his promises.
3. YES and NO I do know about his life, his childhood, his family...he does not know mine, again, this is probably because I don't share very much.
4. NO I hate to be harsh, but Skipper is like talking to a wall, if I do share something about me whether it be personal or just plain chit chat, he is unable to "get-it-up" in regards to conversation. It is terribly boring and frustrating.
5. NO Not even a little, but he does dress well.

1.5 out of 5 NOT A COMPATIBLE MATCH

Alexandre McFadden (My Latin lover).
1. NO Spiritual- he is very Buddhist and organic. Not me.
2. YES Very charming, sensitive, good humored, kind, etc. Maybe not the best follow through at 3:00am but you know...
3. NO Seems to be a lack of interest in this area.
4. YES We have the easiest and most fun conversation. If I really felt the need, I could actually tell him how I felt w/o fear.
5. YES, YES, YES Hot sexy foreign man with a charming accent, need I say more?

Wow, 3 our of 5! NOT A COMPATIBLE MATCH

So there you have it. Not one of my past 3 relationships-of-sorts, would have qualified for marriage. I know, no surprises.

Color me Francey

2010-01-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

Day 10. Whew, already? What a difference a week makes. I have been a busy bee this last week and have managed to lay the groundwork for major change. Here is what I have been up to.
Monday, went to the gym.
Tuesday, went to my first Hub meeting, a group organized through Chi's mega-super-famed church.
Wednesday, Whole Foods.
Thursday, Free pass as I worked inventory overnight.
Friday, massage and gym.
Saturday, haircut, manicure, and social event!
Sunday, Church
It seems that I can have a life and still get my fill of Law and Order SVU episodes!

I have met a lot of new people this week through the hub, and it has been good to talk and share my experiences of moving here and starting over. It is also great to hear other people's stories, and I now recognize that most people are not from Chi, most people are new to Chi with-in the last 2 years. The Hub group is not imposing or uber "churchy"--obviously, faith is the tie that binds, however, not every conversation revolves around God, and there is a fair amount of liberal behavior. For example, after watching a docu on child slavery and a riveting post discussion, we went to a pub for a social hour. The interaction was more about community and less about drinking.

Like I said I met some nice people, but I can tell that it will take some time to sort out all of the people and figure out with whom I might develop a closer friendship with. I am very proud to say that I became very comfortable introducing myself and interacting with all kinds of people; I think this new confidence will surely stay with me this week as I take my first Spanish class tomorrow, and Saturday when I lead (yikes) my first book club meet and greet.

And I do need to mention that after 3 1/2 years I have let go of Black Satin and Light my Saphire for Color Me Francey. The reason I started to wear Black nail polish was because I felt that it symbolized my world at the time of my break-up, I was in the dark. Then courtesy of Chanel, black became en vogue and I just kinda kept it. Don't get me wrong, I still do believe that black nail polish is the absolute most chic color you can possibly wear, but for the next few weeks I want to change my color to symbolize my changed outlook on Chi. But lets be real, this is only a temporary break and Black Satin I will be back.

I choose my choice

2010-01-09T20:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, day 9 I have officially decided that my blog is no longer about not drinking. Rather, it is about going through the process of starting a new life here in the Chi. Incorrectly, I have identified drinking as formerly the solution to my problems, and now more recently, as the reason for my problems. Truly, I do not think that drinking is the cause nor the solution, but rather the easy scapegoat. Rather than center my life around alcohol (or Big) I want to center my life around me and around the choices and decisions I make in creating an awesome life in Chi. So there, my blog is not solely about my choice to quit drinking, but rather about my choice to choose me.

Let there be light, let there be color.

2010-01-08T18:45:00.000-08:00

Day 8 Friday night.
A typical Friday night would involve stopping off at the Jewel or the Whole Foods to pick up a couple bottles of wine for the weekend. Instead, this Friday night has involved treating myself to a full body massage by a very sexy Latin man (okay, maybe it did not involve a very sexy Latin man), and shedding some calories at the gym. Overall, I am still enjoying a strong will against drinking.

And I am still enjoying a strong will against Big. Actually, I feel very minimally affected by ending my relationship with Big...it could be the distance, or it could be that I have known that he is not the right guy for me for a long time. Big and I have officially been over for more than 3 years. We had a terrible, brief, rocky, complicated relationship that blew up and left me alone and in pieces, and him in the arms of a teenage meal ticket. Since then, he and I grew to have a relationship based on friends w/ benefits and a strict don't ask don't tell policy. He didn't know what was going on in my life, and I forbid him to talk about what was going on in his life. Why had I bothered with this type of relationship? Good question.

I think the only way I can answer that myself is to say that there is some kind of wicked invisible force that draws us together. Is it love? Is it just chemistry? Whatever it may be, those feelings are like a drug...so potent and powerful that I was willing to do whatever it took to keep feeling that in my life.

We were in a good place for a while, he led his life and I led mine. Then, my sudden decision to move to the Chi sort of rocked his world. He suddenly became very attentive, called more frequently, we went out more often, he spent the night at my place, he came to my going away party, and he spent time with my friends. Once I moved he continued to call me frequently and consistently calling at all hours of the day. My first two months in Chi, I still kept him at a distance emotionally. And then, suddenly he called one Sunday night, and uttered the words that sent me into a swift and perpetual downward spiral. "Do you ever see us getting back together?"

Big and my history is long and colorful, but it has left me in the dark, literally. From my clothing, to my hair color, to my nail color, I have been living in the dark. I have decided that I have been in the dark for too long and as per a great recommendation from a friend, I need some color in my life, and a purple shirt.

Good news bears! Diet coke & gourmet cheese.

2010-01-06T17:54:00.000-08:00

Day 6...today was the first day I felt tempted by alcohol. Is there any particular reason that Whole Foods positions its delicious organic wines next to the gourmet cheeses? I refrained and did so with a little help from diet coke. Part of the temptation was that I don't have to work tomorrow until 6:00pm and so I have the opportunity to sleep in. Routinely, I have grown to associate any night which does not involve an alarm clock morning, with drinking.

Other associations with drinking?
-Bad days
-Good days

Its true, I could find any excuse for opening up a bottle of wine on any given day of the week. I would say on average, I was drinking 5 nights a week, and the scary part, I was drinking alone.

A little history: I moved to Chi 7 months ago and since then mostly in order to counter loneliness, I turned to wine. I felt that my life had changed so much that I wanted to be able to turn to wine for comfort. The problem is that I do not subscribe to the 1 glass of wine a day makes for a healthy heart theory, instead I subscribe to 1 bottle a day makes it so much better theory.

I had this behavior in MN as well, but not nearly as severe. In MN I only drank alone 2 nights max, and I felt like I could be satisfied by two glasses. The difference between me in MN and between me in Chi is that in MN I had a very active social life that heavily revolved around drinking. So my MN problems revolved around me drinking socially to get drunk. Its like I had no limit. I always could enjoy one more, and one more after that. This type of behavior led to the countless side effects noted on Jan 1.

I do believe that in the last few days I have realized that I drink more out of routine and boredom than actual desire. Whew, this is good news bears! If I can develop new routines and eliminate my boredom through new social outlets, I can truly change my drinking behaviors.

Of note, next week I will start taking weekly Spanish class and I have my first book club meeting! I also attended a social group meeting last night and have a volunteer role this weekend. Suddenly, my life does not revolve around alcohol or a failed relationship it revolves around me!

Day 4: Double double sober and trouble

2010-01-05T20:14:00.000-08:00

January 4th, 2010

4 Days into my sobriety. I have rid all of my liquor down the drain, save the 4 bottles that I am trying to gift the maintenance man should he ever respond to my broken toilet flusher. Should I have to reach my Black Satin manicured hand one more time into the toilet tank for a flush, I may reconsider my kindness.

Truth is that I don't even feel like drinking. I know its only been 4 days, but today I had to break up with my Big. Big as in Carrie's Big pre SATC the movie...the guy you are so in love with but can't quite make it work with because he has a fear of commitment, Big. Anyway, usually this type of break up conversation would have me in a desperate amount of tears, and would send my speedracing from the Red Line to the Jewel to pick up a bottle, okay 2 bottles, of wine and a Redbox. Break-up, break-down, you know the feeling. But not today. Today I bravely had the heartbreaking conversation and surprisingly I did so without even the consideration of needing the aforementioned 2 bottles of wine to 1. either have the talk, or 2. to recover from the talk.

So by break-up I mean I had to tell him over the phone that I was cutting off communication with him...of course I didn't say permanently--I can handle only so much. I said I needed to cut of communication to "work on myself". Isn't that the bullshit reason everyone gives when breaking up with someone else? Well, in this case it is true. I have cut off ties (not permanently, maybe permanently, temporarily, forever?) with the love of my life. I am 27 years old and instead of committing to spending the rest of my life with someone else (which is apparently what the rest of facebook is doing), I am committing to spending the rest of my life with myself, but not by myself.

Here I am left double sober after today, no more liquor and no more Big.