Poor neglected August, here it is the 7th and I have not yet written. My excuse? Still dealing with writer's block. And I have been in a slightly off mood lately possibly a result of physically not feeling so hot... :(. Oh well, life goes on.
So after a very fun weekend with my Minne lover, I spent the rest of the week getting together with Danny, meeting with my book club, and having coffee with a new friend. My new friend is a Japanese harmonica player who my other weekend house-guest fell in love with...I played matchmaker and "picked" her up on his behalf. She is a very sweet girl, but doesn't know a bit of English...I did manage to learn "ar-i-ga-toh", thank you, in Japanese. I also got her CD--blues and reggae--will make a great gift for my parents.
I am also very happy to say that a new member from my book club suggested we get together for dinner some night...she knows how hard it can be to meet new people and offered her company--how nice, I am so excited!
And then the Danny drama--yes there was a bit of drama. First of all, he was not thrilled that I had an ex-FWB in town--although we are "allowed" to see other people, it is only under the strictest don't ask don't tell policy. Ie if he knows about it, then it will change things and he wouldn't want to continue seeing me outside of platonic friendship. I talked him down from his worst-case cliff and I certainly learned my lesson--too much honesty can be a bad thing. We have been fine ever since, except for our minor tiff about him calling me "mean" and my not liking it. I think I reacted by picking a fight, the whole "well, if you think I mean then you shouldn't be spending time with me..." defense, and I then I sulked for a minute. My overreaction aside, it did bother me that he thinks that I am mean at times (okay, fine, I do not have the best phone demeanor), because I feel like I am probably trying to be witty and he is mistaking it as mean--how does he not get my sense of humor? And I will admit too that at times, I can be ever so harmlessly mean--it is a defense mechanism/Great Wall that I sometimes hide behind to protect myself against anything that I perceive could hurt me, like truth and reality.
What I am saying is that at times I resent Danny for his many "friends", his double standards, and his exhausting, complicated, honest assessment of the world and of people. Sometimes I hide behind my wall because around him I feel like a total idiot--I don't know a thing about anything--I don't know history, I don't know finance, I don't know mathematics, I don't know philosophy, I don't know politics or current events, I don't know anything about anything and I am watching listening to him go on and on about important things, and I am silent, unable to contribute with anything but my obvious and not at all endearing, naivety. I have banned him from meeting friends of mine as I am afraid that he is going to react to their intelligence and wonder what he is doing with me?
And yet another reason that I am occasionally "mean", more like guarded, is because I resent myself and the universe. I have tried so hard to define what I want for myself and my life, and I have worked like crazy to enhance my self-image to attract and be open to, but specific about, the kind of man and relationship I want. And what do I so naturally fall into? A glorified and repackaged FWB, the exact relationship I was trying to avoid. Does the universe really have that big of a sense of humor, or am I attracting these relationships because I secretly want them, because I think that I am only worth dating as an FWB, or because I am biding my time with them until Big comes around? Well, I know that last statement is not true any longer as I am really OVER Big, I know that I think I think I am worth really being with, I don't think I am secretly only wanting FWBs, and come on, the universe is not funny, it is full of shit.
So my take? I do not want the paper man, I want the perfect man. Unfortunately, what lies between the paper man and the perfect man is the FWB. So because I am rejecting the paper men, I am indulging FWBs because they are interesting and I think that they somehow get me closer to the perfect man.
Unfortunately, at the end I bet it will be the universe that is laughing and not me.
PS. At least Danny is opening me up to these new subjects and I am starting to develop an interest and curiosity in learning.
