Je ne sais quoi, je ne comprends pas

I ended up wearing a slightly inappropriate short skirt to church on Sunday, but I wore it with dignity. Not sure it got its worth, I mean the big winter parka, mummy scarf, and black tights sort of detract from the hot and don't I have great legs look I was trying to go for. Oh well, if there is one thing that I have learned in life it is that "looks" don't really matter. Not sure why this took so long to realize and after writing it out loud, I am still not sure I believe it to be true. But then again, the girl-next-door attraction is total and complete proof of this. And what about the girls that wear sweatshirts in public, Juicy velour, Coach bags, short hair, and who drink beer? Entirely unattractive in my opinion (okay, fine Coach in moderation is fine, and sweatshirts to the gym are OK). I guess what I have come to understand in my old age is that what I find to be attractive does not always match what others find to be attractive. I guess if it did merely 5% of the population would be married (I think there is a Seinfeld about this where 95% of the population is considered "ugly" and "undateable").

It is a truth that women dress for other women. I am very prone to this, and I recently noticed that my wardrobe while admired and appreciated by many, is not one bit guy-sexy. I don't own much color, I don't have casual outfits, I don't own anything particularly low cut or super short, etc. I guess my version of sexy is a blazer over a dress, or an I heart Mpls tee with a bubble skirt. Always trend-right with a classic flair. But again, I have missed out on understanding what makes men attracted to a woman. Actually, let me rephrase; my lack of understanding extends past understanding what attracts them to a woman physically, it extends to what attracts a man to a woman mentally. If it is not "looks" what is it? Of course we are led to believe that what attracts one person to another is the je ne sais quoi and this je ne sais quoi is only shared between a few key people in our lives that Carrie would say emerge as great loves. I am a believer in the je ne sais quoi, I am just not sure I am a believer in great loves.

And to end, I blame Barbie. I think somewhere in my young age I associated being pretty, classy, and dressing well with being envied. I assumed that if you could pull off those things, you would have a better life. If Barbie could be pretty, classy, well-dressed, a princess, a doctor, a nurse, a babysitter, a model, a lawyer, a flight attendant, and a veterinarian, then why couldn't we? I guess she had that certain je ne sais quoi.

The bride did not wear white part II

Today at the gym I happened upon the monthly column "jake, a man's opinion" in my January Glamour. The title: Why men love "taken" women. How very appropriate seeing as I have pondered the same thing on my recent blog. In this charming edition, Jake, a single dating man in NYC, wonders why men, and now he, are attracted to taken (and I will add recently single) women. Apparently, there is even a term for it, bird-dogging. So, as one bird-dogger admits, the reason is because if the woman is taken, men feel less performance anxiety and can just be themselves. Okay, I have to give a little credit to this explanation because I myself am guilty of in a sense bird-dogging.

When I was a wee college student I dated one of my friend's very newly, ex-boyfriend, and I kissed another one. Neither lasted obviously. Even when I started seeing Big, he had a live-in girlfriend. But, much of the reason I felt such an (truly misguided) attraction for them was because I could be myself around them and I did not feel any pressure. Suddenly, I am feeling a bit of "a kettle calling the pot black..." or however that saying goes. I am guilty. Please do not judge too harshly as that is 4-5 years in my past. I am not a good "guys" girl, I view every single man as a potential mate...this is why I am not able to keep friendships with men (hello, CPA). I can only be my true self around men who are already in relationships because I am not viewing them as a possible boyfriend.

Don't worry, this does not mean I am going to start flirting with my friends' men, this only means that I somewhat understand the attraction to married, and recently single women. The men who dig these women are able to get to know each other with out the immediate pretense of "where can this lead?".

And ladies, I still believe there should be a "waiting" period (but that is only coming from my selfish single self :)).

Strength, dignity, and a short skirt

What a difference a day makes. I would like to preface and say to all of my loyal readers and 3 followers that this is not going to be pretty. Honestly, I feel like I need to create a second blog for my "bad" days so as to not disappoint, and so as to not evoke doubt in your precious minds. But today has not been a good day.

It doesn't matter the steps you take to alter your current circumstance or change who you are...it doesn't last forever. We are all susceptible to the good and the bad and the happy and the sad, we just are. Today I just feel humiliation.

Normally when I feel this way I keep it to myself or drunkenly make late night phone calls to friends. Today, I will just write about it. Although my CPA was the one who suggested we get together this weekend, he has of course stood me up. He "has to work" tonight and has to watch hockey tomorrow. Really? Really? He did offer to ride to church together, but I see right through that attempt to appear like a good guy, and so I declined. I really can't face him. I am humiliated.

I do not take rejection well. This must be genetic as the probable source of my brother's mildly severe case of OCD stemmed from a girl who broke up with him back in the day. Since then he has not been able to lead any kind of normal life. Yes, I am glad to not be that severe a case, I don't go through 2 bars of soap in a day, and I am not dependent on my daily Chipotle burrito intake. But I suppose I do have my own "coping" methods. Obviously, drinking was one of them, smoking was one of them, calling up old f*** buddies, another. And tonight I am guilty of the 2 out of 3, and to be clear, I have not had a drink. And as for the other two: smoking, well I don't even really like it but it does help when I feel anxious, and the second, come on, I really don't want to waste a room at the W and my Latin lover is just too damn sexy. Most likely I won't end up seeing him anyway.

So there you have it, once again my "progress" and hope has been completely erased (just for the moment) by rejection. I know tomorrow will be a better day.

Actually, as I sit here longer and ponder this, I realize that I cannot let my emotions and my hurt pride stop me from doing what I like to do. I cannot let it stop me from being brave and holding my head up high. I will go to church tomorrow, I will sit in the "hub" section, and I will bravely and humbly face my fear and the CPA. A few weeks ago I opened a bible for the first time and the verse I came to read "she is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs as though she has no fear of the future". As I said before I have faced many of my fears already, but I still have to learn to live as though I have no fear of the future. I am not afraid.

To end, I think that my creation of this blog to hold myself accountable has truly worked tonight. If I had allowed myself the routine of wallowing and internalizing all of these feelings, I would not have been able to come to this conclusion. Tomorrow I will be clothed in strength and dignity and in a short church-appropriate skirt. I will learn to laugh honestly and genuinely as though I have no fear of the future.

Love, actually

When I structured my own intervention I committed to giving up my most dangerous vices. Drinking alone, binge drinking, binge drinking alone, and BIG. Obviously cutting liquor out was relatively easy as I poured it down the drain; giving up Big not so easy. Truly, if I could have forcibly poured Big down a big drain that emptied out into space, I would have. Instead, I planned on changing my phone number to a proper Chi-phone number and thus alleviate myself from the anxiety of "why hasn't he called". As you can probably guess, I did not get around to changing my number, and to be honest, the reason why is because I knew the moment after I had the "break up, break down" talk, that I didn't need to. This time is different, I am different.

I have not for a single second felt anxious or restless or panicked by my phone's silence. And when it has rang Big, I have screened. Yes, of course he has called. I spoke to him once two weeks ago--it was okay as it gave me the opportunity to finally be honest with him and tell him why I didn't want him a part of my life anymore. I for once wasn't afraid to be honest, and I wasn't afraid of losing him, because you can't lose something you never had. Big called again last week and then again last night. I called him back today (hey! hold the judgment) and we had a short conversation that was cordial, friendly, and not at all manipulative. It was the type of conversation that could be the last, that mutually declared that we accept the situation, and we wish each other the best. I then (for the very first time) ended the conversation. Dare I say closure, but I feel like this is the most dignified and honest end that we could have hoped for, and a lot of it was because of what wasn't said. I think he let me go (okay, break for a tear), but its okay he let me go because I let him go too.

Big and I were not meant to be and it is not anything I did or he did (come on, obviously it was all his fault), we just were not compatible, and we couldn't make each other happy. Whew, is that the first time I have said that that I actually meant it? The truth is my love for Big made me afraid of everything; of being alone, of wanting for the future, of rejection, of everything. Mostly it made me afraid that I wasn't worth it and that fear has stayed with me, until now.

Today, I am no longer afraid to say that I want to find a wonderful, considerate, stable, successful, kind, loving, honest man who has the integrity to do right by his word. I am not afraid to say that I probably do want to get married, and I probably do want to have kid(s). I am not afraid to say that I care about myself enough to make sure that the next relationship I am in is with the man that can make my dreams come true. I am not afraid to say that I am worth it. I am not afraid.

(although I think that that was a perfect ending to today's edition of my blog, I do need to let my one "follower" know that my CPA texted last night and sort of asked me out, well in, for this weekend.)

Love actually may be, all around.

and the bride DID NOT wear white

I have to admit that I find very many things quite baffling in this world; suburbs, pixie cuts, the appeal of Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie, vegetables, basketball, "girl next doors", and certainly, I find young, divorced women who get married w/in a year of getting divorced, quite baffling. To clarify, this is not me being jealous, judgmental, resentful, or spiteful, this is me being truly perplexed by this reoccurring phenomenon. I guess, and I say this with as much self respect as I can muster, I don't understand how I can't seem to get married once, and these women are doing it twice, or sometimes three times by the age of 28. Is it that they are more lovable? Are they easy? Are they more confident (should a divorce give you confidence)? Do they have lower standards? Are they lucky in love (are you lucky in love if you're divorced)? Do they learn faster from their mistakes? Do they just know more people and more men from their past life? Do they have low self-esteem? Are they codependent? What is it? Please help me understand the appeal!

I know that these women are probably quite fabulous and deserve to be in happy relationships as much as the next person, but shouldn't there be some kind of waiting period? Shouldn't they have to "wait their turn" and wait in line after the never married but fabulous singles? Or do married and divorced women have something the rest of us don't? I know my fabulous married friend seems to get more attention than any of her single girlfriends times 10. Hello! Men, she is MARRIED!

Please, if you are a married or a divorced woman, it is time to tell all.

PG fun is the best kind

All I can say about this weekend is that I need to start more book clubs. Saturday afternoon marked the first meet and greet for my book club. Out of the 10 people who showed interest, 4-6 RSVPd, and 1 actually showed up. Her name is Mary and she is fabulous, pretty, normal, late twenties, and very nice. She and I talked book club and made our choices for the next meeting. Expecting a lot of no-shows I also invited an acquaintance from the hub. I had met him the first hub night and then last weekend he gave me a ride home from the slavery movie and to and fro church...I had mentioned then that I was starting a book club. I decided to invite him to Saturday's meet and greet and he wanted to go, but he needed to come late. Of course that was no problem and he met me a little after 4:00. He grabbed us coffee and then we headed out to Border's about a 1-2 mile walk, to buy the book. From there we headed to Chili Mac's (my fav dive pizza place) and we enjoyed the wondrous Chili Mac pizza. What a fun little impromptu date night we had; but it didn't end there.

After dinner we rented a couple of Red Box's and he came over where we watched three movies (he likes Clue too!) and enjoyed fun, easy conversation and edamame. And, it was very unexpected and totally hot to find out that this nice Christian boy has got game! He easily and confidently seduced me into a passionate and attentive (and slightly teenage) make-out session. It was prefect. He declined to stay over (he lives with a pastor) and left at 4:00am.

At 9:00 Sunday I picked him up for church which worked out quite well because I needed a man's help in getting my oil filled up and my car washed. We sat together on our own at church and then met up with the Hub group after for lunch. I am getting to recognize people and their names better and better each day. After lunch we headed over to BP to take care of car stuff. Obviously, the next morning can always be a little awkward, which is why I was relieved that he suggested he should come over to watch the Chicago based Candyman. So he he came over and we watched Candyman and then Moulin Rouge, and then I experienced the most sensual pleasure of my life. This seemingly innocent church boy knows exactly how and where to touch a woman--PG style, which makes it all the sexier. He left at 10:00.

So who is this book lover? He is different from every guy from my past, and in many ways he is exactly what I have been looking for-- he is in finance (a CPA) at a big firm, he is really laid back, he is well liked, he is funny and has a great sense of humor, he loves his family, he is a Christian, he likes Seinfeld and hates onions, he hates watching Basketball on TV, and he is a good person. BUT he is also shorter and younger than me. 5'9" and 24. And he wears belt buckles (like big ones) and bought his last suit at the Men's Wearhouse. To top it off, I can't really read him, and I have no idea if he is into me. You would get the impression that he likes me, I mean he did spend almost 24 hours with me this wknd, but then he didn't suggest or ask or say he would like to see me again. He is in IN all week for work and and our goodbye was a "see ya".

Honestly, I feel like I am cursed, even when I try, I always end up violating every self help date book and I let things go a little too far on the first date. I give into the chemistry and live in the moment--it would be rude not to. (I wonder if PG interaction is a loop hole?) and (I wonder if the fact that it not being a date is a loop hole). Are good Christian boys also capable of the use em and leave em? I could analyze this forever, instead, the new me will accept that whatever is meant to be shall be.

What a great weekend :)

I Francy the W

January 15, wow, just 2 weeks in. Today is the first day I really feel like cracking open a bottle of wine (but I am restraining). There isn't any particular reason, I just feel like it.

This week my boss was in town and that is always very draining. She is absolutely outstanding at her job...she is amazing and talented and smart and professional and really gets the job and the big picture. I am really lucky to work for such a great mentor, however, she is so good that she makes me feel like I suck. At some point in time we all will have careers that get to the next step of responsibility and its hard to get used to. It has taken me a very long time to acclimate to this new position, and in many ways I have done good work, but I need to get better. So, for that reason, I feel drained. I am lucky to have a job where I truly have the freedom to do what I want with this position in the vanity of driving sales...through training, merchandise execution, and through communication. I have to start being best friends with store managers at each one of my stores as well as with VPs. Last night we went to dinner with the account executive of our most important vendor, and I still just can't get over the feeling that I don't belong. I am getting more comfortable every day, but it is still intimidating. At the very least, both the store managers raved about how much they appreciate my help in their stores...I really can't be doing that bad if I have "won" with my 2 biggest volume doors, right? Right. And, I think that there is a good chance that I will drop my WI stores and pick up 3 stores in Detroit. I like the idea of travelling (even if it is DET), but because I will have to fly, I will be missing out on a lot of the mileage reimbursement that really boosts my paychecks...so in a sense, I will be making less $. I obviously don't like this option, but I have to go where I am needed. So, that is that.

Everything else is going fine. I happened to be the only one in my Spanish class on Monday night. I declined the "private tutoring" and re-booked for Feb's term. I am disappointed :(. Que lastima, estoy muy triste! And, tomorrow is my first book club meeting...I am very nervous that there will only be like 3 people who show up and it will fail. Oh well at least I am trying. What else can I do? Maybe I will look at volunteering as my next reinvention project. Any suggestions? I will not do online dating, however, when I moved here I did sign up for one of those services that match you with a millionaire...shouldn't they be calling soon? And I still think that Brashop should be a reality TV show on the style network about 2 young women who open a bra business.

Good news, I somewhat fancy color me francey, and I will be in town Jan 28th-Feb 1st courtesy of my job. I am booked at the W for that Thursday night...this will be my second time staying there, this time bound to be much less sexy.

I heart my dad

Hell has certainly frozen over. Talk about making changes in 2010. I just finished sending my dad all of my credit card user names and passwords. My life is officially an open book. I actually feel pretty heartbroken and like a complete failure for having to do so. What was the prompt? It turns out that my Visa company lowered my credit limit by over $2000! When I found out I instantly burst into tears not because I needed to buy something, but because it is symptomatic of the current state of my finances and lets face it, my life. BAD. Talk about feeling worthless.

In MN I actually managed pretty fine, but it turns out that moving to Chicago is expensive (and I didn't even pay for it). What has happened is that I now pay more than $200 more a month in rent, I stupidly joined a contract gym, I have to pay for all of the utilities and Internet on my own, I have taken several trips back to MN to save my sanity, and of course the wonderful car + insurance payments and student loans. Gas, food, and tax are all more expensive here. Ultimately, what has killed me is that I never learned how to manage my finances in MN and so I was ill prepared to make any lifestyle adjustments out here and it is killing me. Believe it or not, I have cut down on my spending in the wardrobe dept, I really feel like my work wardrobe is down to rags and I can't even afford a new coat which I desperately need.

So there you have it, in tears I humbly called my Dad (who has been aching to see my finances for years) and asked for help. He was very kind and promised not to get mad as he reviews my situation. He HATES to see credit card companies getting richer and is happy to lend me his interest rate and take the tax credit. I am really lucky to have such a great dad, and I am really lucky to be employed.

Big, Skipper, and a Russian McFadden

Apparently, there are 5 signs of compatibility that you must have with your partner before you marry them.
1. Spiritual-same type of faith
2. Character-are they a good person?
3. Emotional- peel back the layers
4. Communication-ability to communicate and listen to each other
5. Attractiveness-physical and sexual attraction

Today I am going to compare the relatively consistent 3 most recent men in my life to this list of compatibility traits. My goal is to make myself feel relieved that I am not in a relationship with, nor married to the following men...To be easy lets name them Big, Skipper, and Alexandre+McFadden (the Russian + Carrie's Fuck Buddy) (yes, all references to SATC).

Starting w/ Big.
1. NO Although Big is an Irish Catholic he does not exhibit any spiritual tendencies or faith-based decisions. He views marriage as sacred to the church and would be opposed to divorce. Ironically, that is the one and only church based rule he would follow, and he seems to be pro adultery.
2. NO Character--Do I really need to bother with this one? Big is a guy who gets into fights at the W, nuff said.
3. YES AND NO Big is very open about his past, childhood, hopes, dreams, etc. It is actually me that is not open at all about certain layers to me. At the same point, I do not feel asked to share and therefor I do not feel comfortable doing so.
4. YES AND NO We can communicate in the daily conversation and have a jolly ole time. We cannot however communicate at all about "us". It used to be that I was so afraid of losing Big that I never could say what I felt. If I did say something, then everything I said was turned around and manipulated. In the last few years it has been just easier to say nothing.
5. YES Yes, there is a strong, powerful amount of attraction--I just can't explain it.

2.0 out of 5 is NOT A COMPATIBLE MATCH

Skipper-(You remember Skipper from SE 1. He was IN LOVE W/ Miranda but she truly was not interested--save for a few occasions where he did something surprising like blow her off.) Yep, I have that guy.
1. MAYBE He does seem to exhibit a certain peace about him that I have to believe exists in spiritual people. There is a good chance we would be a match however we have never actually talked about faith.
2. YES AND A LITTLE NO He has a good character and is generally a good person with a good heart. He really cares about people, maybe a little too much. A little "no" is that he does not seem to be a man of his word, he has very little follow through on his promises.
3. YES and NO I do know about his life, his childhood, his family...he does not know mine, again, this is probably because I don't share very much.
4. NO I hate to be harsh, but Skipper is like talking to a wall, if I do share something about me whether it be personal or just plain chit chat, he is unable to "get-it-up" in regards to conversation. It is terribly boring and frustrating.
5. NO Not even a little, but he does dress well.

1.5 out of 5 NOT A COMPATIBLE MATCH

Alexandre McFadden (My Latin lover).
1. NO Spiritual- he is very Buddhist and organic. Not me.
2. YES Very charming, sensitive, good humored, kind, etc. Maybe not the best follow through at 3:00am but you know...
3. NO Seems to be a lack of interest in this area.
4. YES We have the easiest and most fun conversation. If I really felt the need, I could actually tell him how I felt w/o fear.
5. YES, YES, YES Hot sexy foreign man with a charming accent, need I say more?

Wow, 3 our of 5! NOT A COMPATIBLE MATCH

So there you have it. Not one of my past 3 relationships-of-sorts, would have qualified for marriage. I know, no surprises.

Color me Francey

Day 10. Whew, already? What a difference a week makes. I have been a busy bee this last week and have managed to lay the groundwork for major change. Here is what I have been up to.
Monday, went to the gym.
Tuesday, went to my first Hub meeting, a group organized through Chi's mega-super-famed church.
Wednesday, Whole Foods.
Thursday, Free pass as I worked inventory overnight.
Friday, massage and gym.
Saturday, haircut, manicure, and social event!
Sunday, Church
It seems that I can have a life and still get my fill of Law and Order SVU episodes!

I have met a lot of new people this week through the hub, and it has been good to talk and share my experiences of moving here and starting over. It is also great to hear other people's stories, and I now recognize that most people are not from Chi, most people are new to Chi with-in the last 2 years. The Hub group is not imposing or uber "churchy"--obviously, faith is the tie that binds, however, not every conversation revolves around God, and there is a fair amount of liberal behavior. For example, after watching a docu on child slavery and a riveting post discussion, we went to a pub for a social hour. The interaction was more about community and less about drinking.

Like I said I met some nice people, but I can tell that it will take some time to sort out all of the people and figure out with whom I might develop a closer friendship with. I am very proud to say that I became very comfortable introducing myself and interacting with all kinds of people; I think this new confidence will surely stay with me this week as I take my first Spanish class tomorrow, and Saturday when I lead (yikes) my first book club meet and greet.

And I do need to mention that after 3 1/2 years I have let go of Black Satin and Light my Saphire for Color Me Francey. The reason I started to wear Black nail polish was because I felt that it symbolized my world at the time of my break-up, I was in the dark. Then courtesy of Chanel, black became en vogue and I just kinda kept it. Don't get me wrong, I still do believe that black nail polish is the absolute most chic color you can possibly wear, but for the next few weeks I want to change my color to symbolize my changed outlook on Chi. But lets be real, this is only a temporary break and Black Satin I will be back.

I choose my choice

Okay, day 9 I have officially decided that my blog is no longer about not drinking. Rather, it is about going through the process of starting a new life here in the Chi. Incorrectly, I have identified drinking as formerly the solution to my problems, and now more recently, as the reason for my problems. Truly, I do not think that drinking is the cause nor the solution, but rather the easy scapegoat. Rather than center my life around alcohol (or Big) I want to center my life around me and around the choices and decisions I make in creating an awesome life in Chi. So there, my blog is not solely about my choice to quit drinking, but rather about my choice to choose me.

Let there be light, let there be color.

Day 8 Friday night.
A typical Friday night would involve stopping off at the Jewel or the Whole Foods to pick up a couple bottles of wine for the weekend. Instead, this Friday night has involved treating myself to a full body massage by a very sexy Latin man (okay, maybe it did not involve a very sexy Latin man), and shedding some calories at the gym. Overall, I am still enjoying a strong will against drinking.

And I am still enjoying a strong will against Big. Actually, I feel very minimally affected by ending my relationship with Big...it could be the distance, or it could be that I have known that he is not the right guy for me for a long time. Big and I have officially been over for more than 3 years. We had a terrible, brief, rocky, complicated relationship that blew up and left me alone and in pieces, and him in the arms of a teenage meal ticket. Since then, he and I grew to have a relationship based on friends w/ benefits and a strict don't ask don't tell policy. He didn't know what was going on in my life, and I forbid him to talk about what was going on in his life. Why had I bothered with this type of relationship? Good question.

I think the only way I can answer that myself is to say that there is some kind of wicked invisible force that draws us together. Is it love? Is it just chemistry? Whatever it may be, those feelings are like a drug...so potent and powerful that I was willing to do whatever it took to keep feeling that in my life.

We were in a good place for a while, he led his life and I led mine. Then, my sudden decision to move to the Chi sort of rocked his world. He suddenly became very attentive, called more frequently, we went out more often, he spent the night at my place, he came to my going away party, and he spent time with my friends. Once I moved he continued to call me frequently and consistently calling at all hours of the day. My first two months in Chi, I still kept him at a distance emotionally. And then, suddenly he called one Sunday night, and uttered the words that sent me into a swift and perpetual downward spiral. "Do you ever see us getting back together?"

Big and my history is long and colorful, but it has left me in the dark, literally. From my clothing, to my hair color, to my nail color, I have been living in the dark. I have decided that I have been in the dark for too long and as per a great recommendation from a friend, I need some color in my life, and a purple shirt.

Good news bears! Diet coke & gourmet cheese.

Day 6...today was the first day I felt tempted by alcohol. Is there any particular reason that Whole Foods positions its delicious organic wines next to the gourmet cheeses? I refrained and did so with a little help from diet coke. Part of the temptation was that I don't have to work tomorrow until 6:00pm and so I have the opportunity to sleep in. Routinely, I have grown to associate any night which does not involve an alarm clock morning, with drinking.

Other associations with drinking?
-Bad days
-Good days

Its true, I could find any excuse for opening up a bottle of wine on any given day of the week. I would say on average, I was drinking 5 nights a week, and the scary part, I was drinking alone.

A little history: I moved to Chi 7 months ago and since then mostly in order to counter loneliness, I turned to wine. I felt that my life had changed so much that I wanted to be able to turn to wine for comfort. The problem is that I do not subscribe to the 1 glass of wine a day makes for a healthy heart theory, instead I subscribe to 1 bottle a day makes it so much better theory.

I had this behavior in MN as well, but not nearly as severe. In MN I only drank alone 2 nights max, and I felt like I could be satisfied by two glasses. The difference between me in MN and between me in Chi is that in MN I had a very active social life that heavily revolved around drinking. So my MN problems revolved around me drinking socially to get drunk. Its like I had no limit. I always could enjoy one more, and one more after that. This type of behavior led to the countless side effects noted on Jan 1.

I do believe that in the last few days I have realized that I drink more out of routine and boredom than actual desire. Whew, this is good news bears! If I can develop new routines and eliminate my boredom through new social outlets, I can truly change my drinking behaviors.

Of note, next week I will start taking weekly Spanish class and I have my first book club meeting! I also attended a social group meeting last night and have a volunteer role this weekend. Suddenly, my life does not revolve around alcohol or a failed relationship it revolves around me!

Day 4: Double double sober and trouble

January 4th, 2010

4 Days into my sobriety. I have rid all of my liquor down the drain, save the 4 bottles that I am trying to gift the maintenance man should he ever respond to my broken toilet flusher. Should I have to reach my Black Satin manicured hand one more time into the toilet tank for a flush, I may reconsider my kindness.

Truth is that I don't even feel like drinking. I know its only been 4 days, but today I had to break up with my Big. Big as in Carrie's Big pre SATC the movie...the guy you are so in love with but can't quite make it work with because he has a fear of commitment, Big. Anyway, usually this type of break up conversation would have me in a desperate amount of tears, and would send my speedracing from the Red Line to the Jewel to pick up a bottle, okay 2 bottles, of wine and a Redbox. Break-up, break-down, you know the feeling. But not today. Today I bravely had the heartbreaking conversation and surprisingly I did so without even the consideration of needing the aforementioned 2 bottles of wine to 1. either have the talk, or 2. to recover from the talk.

So by break-up I mean I had to tell him over the phone that I was cutting off communication with him...of course I didn't say permanently--I can handle only so much. I said I needed to cut of communication to "work on myself". Isn't that the bullshit reason everyone gives when breaking up with someone else? Well, in this case it is true. I have cut off ties (not permanently, maybe permanently, temporarily, forever?) with the love of my life. I am 27 years old and instead of committing to spending the rest of my life with someone else (which is apparently what the rest of facebook is doing), I am committing to spending the rest of my life with myself, but not by myself.

Here I am left double sober after today, no more liquor and no more Big.

Sober in the Chi Day 1: Resolution Day

January 1st, 2010



With a little nudge from a good friend I have decided to stop drinking for 6 months to save my future, and in many ways, my life. I am 27 years old and I feel like I have failed at life. I use alcohol to make myself feel better, more confident, and friendlier. It helps me come up with conversation, and makes me more outgoing and sociable. True, alcohol does provide me with those feelings and (delusions), however, it comes with some very serious and unpleasant side effects. More often than not, alcohol has led to countless fights with friends, many one night stands, and has put me in dozens of dangerous situations such as wandering around city streets late at night, being locked out of my apartment all night, going home with strangers, and even driving drunk. Alcohol has in many ways nearly ruined my life.



Nearly ruined. As of January 1st, 2010 I have committed to stop drinking for the period of 6 months. I hope to prove that a) I have the strength, will, and determinations to follow through, b) by not drinking I will improve the quality of my life, and c) my improved quality of life will be what gives me the confidence to lead a more friendly and outgoing life.



I have decided to use this blog as a way to hold myself accountable to this grand decision, as well as a way to monitor my progress along the way. Welcome to my journey, and please excuse the punctuation.