It seems that as my life has gotten busier, I have so much less to say--go figure. Let's see, in a one run on paragraph update, here is what's happening:
Danny and I stayed in on Sunday night where he protected my computer from all the bad in the world and tomorrow we have plans to go grocery shopping...wow, we are so domestic! Big is en route to Minne. Jordan is still en Europe. My stalker has agreed to pay for my plane ticket and two night hotel stay in NYC to visit him at the end of August. And last, My Venezuelan is coming to Chi for the weekend and staying chez moi.
Although it may seem like there are too many men in my playground, the truth is that I have been 100% honest with Danny, Big and my Stalker--they know where they stand and what my position is. Now, with Jordan and Venezuela, well, Jordan and I are not there yet, and Venezuela is pure recreation. When I do become serious with someone then I will gladly refrain from recreational hot men.
And I am still excited about Danny. Ironically, considering he is the most non-traditional man in every sense, he and I are in what I would consider to be the most "traditional" relationship that I have ever been in. It is really wonderful, and it is also very sad that I have never had that stability in the past. Danny is the first person outside of my dear old Dad, who has wanted to protect me--Danny tries to protect me in every way from making sure I lock my door properly, to checking my oil, to securing my computer, to teaching me how to cook healthy foods, to teaching me finance, to walking on the outside on the sidewalk, to never ever trying to take advantage of me or pressure me in any way. I consider myself to be extremely independent (although not by choice), but I have to say that I really appreciate his concern for my welfare...he cares. Which is why its kind of sad that he cares, but the fact will always remain that I could be anybody--it not so much me as it is that he and I are seeing each other--its really too hard to explain. I will continue to enjoy and keep my eyes open and doors locked!
And I have to admit that this NYC thing is bothering me. Since I met my Stalker 4 years ago he has made promise after promise after promise of things he would do for me. It started with a Gucci watch and then went to a Gucci watch encrusted with diamonds, and then to tires for my car, and then to tickets to NYC, and then a visit to Chi, etc, etc. The fact is that he has never followed through on anything, ever. Here's the thing, I am not the type of person who accepts generosities from men...I am the girl who if you buy me a drink at the bar, I will pay for the next round. I have never once accepted gifts from Stalker or really any other man. But the thing about it is that I am tired of Stalker's teasing. He needs to stop saying this stuff because it gets my hopes up and that is not fair to me. I am not trying to take advantage of him, he knows that, so why the tease?
So this last time I had had enough in a way. Okay, you want to pay for me to fly out to NYC, you're on, this is when I am coming. He said okay, said he would send me the money, said he would even stay with a friend instead of share my hotel. So, we are all set right? Well, I thought I could go through with it, but then as I clarified for the 100th time, this is platonic, don't expect anything to change. He said okay that's fine, but then he asked "why do you want to come?". And there my inability to accept gifts where I will feel indebted reared its ugly head. What are my intentions and can I honestly say they are with merit and integrity, I don't know.
Here is why I think I want to go to NYC. I want to go to NYC, I want to get out of Chicago, I have no money to do either, I want to see Stalker (even if it meant he came here, I would want to see him). But are those reasons enough to accept his generosity of what would amount to close to $600? I know he can afford it, and you know, maybe this time I just need to say yes. Darling readers, what do you think?
(And sorry for my less than stellar writing tonight--its that damn writer's block. Also possibly a symptom that I am happy and not such a tortured-single soul, at the moment anyway.)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
A very single weekend
Just a quick update as I have ample time. This has been the first weekend in months that I haven't had plans. I have spent the entire weekend alone, and I have to say that I am really enjoying it. Now I will see Danny tomorrow so I will avoid spending three days solo and will avoid slitting my wrists--kidding of course.
Not that this weekend hasn't been busy. It has been chock-full of emotional weight that started on Thursday night. Thursday night brought on an emotional conversation that was way overdue. I am glad that it happened as we were able to clear the air and come to terms with what is, but it did leave me a bit exhausted, and worse it left me a bit unmoved. I guess when you come to terms with accepting yourself, it is easier to let go of those that don't. Of course, it is still a loss, and as with any loss, feelings sometimes are too hard to put into words.
Then there was the conversation with Big last night--(details available in "what a girl doesn't want").
And then there is the fact that almost every conversation with Danny has a hot and a cold aspect to it. No, no, not every interaction with Danny leads to warm butterfly feelings and growth. Generally, spending time with him entails him talking and blithering endlessly on every topic imaginable, and him unintentionally lecturing me on certain truths. Truth be told I generally love every minute of his speeches as I now know so much I would have never known from why one shouldn't eat caviar to the exact details of Howard Hughes life and demise. He knows something about everything and I love it. But what I don't love is that I am always on the defensive around him. I feel like there is no reason he should like me and therefore I treat everything he says with a certain defensive guard. He likes me, so why can't I let it be? And obviously, I have to live with the fact that he likes me, but he also likes other people. I am special, but I am really not that special, I am attractive, but everyone has attractive qualities, I am interesting, but everyone is interesting in different ways, I am brave for moving to a new city, but everyone here is a transient, etc, etc. Now, to be clear, Danny says only the former statements and not necessarily the latter. He likes me, but it is me pointing out that he likes everyone so it doesn't really mean anything for him to like me. So I am defensive and I am trying my best to accept our relationship for what it is. But what if I fall in love with him? I might. He thinks I surely will.
Danny is so different from the man I initially thought he was. He is still a vulgar and inappropriate asshole, but he is in a way that is entirely informed. Every thing he says is premeditated and has specific, if not ironic, intent. His whole existence is centered around the idea of questioning everything--and he does and so his understanding of the world, the politics, the technology, the language, the everything has background in research. And he knows so much. And its scary. He is a genius in some ways, and I told him that I think that it is a little bit sad that he is being "wasted", he obviously disagrees and thinks that for him to do anything he would need multi-billions of dollars to affect change. His contribution therefore is to not have kids and to use as little resources (energy, etc) as possible. Yea, I could fall in love with him. That sucks.
Jordan texted me from Madrid yesterday. He is drinking Sangria and will let me know when he's back...very cute.
My Venezuelan facebooked and said he may be in town this weekend and he wants to go to the beach. (I kind of doubt he'll make it, but I probably shouldn't eat starting Wednesday, just in case)
And Big called again today. He was a bit less dramatic and said that he thought more about things and said that a lot of what I said made sense. We don't necessarily know each other anymore. And so he asked me on a date. That in it of itself is a huge step for him and I truly believe that it is without the air of manipulation. I think he genuinely wants to go on a proper date because we haven't gone on one since we were initially getting together. So yes, Big I will go on a date with you :).
Not that this weekend hasn't been busy. It has been chock-full of emotional weight that started on Thursday night. Thursday night brought on an emotional conversation that was way overdue. I am glad that it happened as we were able to clear the air and come to terms with what is, but it did leave me a bit exhausted, and worse it left me a bit unmoved. I guess when you come to terms with accepting yourself, it is easier to let go of those that don't. Of course, it is still a loss, and as with any loss, feelings sometimes are too hard to put into words.
Then there was the conversation with Big last night--(details available in "what a girl doesn't want").
And then there is the fact that almost every conversation with Danny has a hot and a cold aspect to it. No, no, not every interaction with Danny leads to warm butterfly feelings and growth. Generally, spending time with him entails him talking and blithering endlessly on every topic imaginable, and him unintentionally lecturing me on certain truths. Truth be told I generally love every minute of his speeches as I now know so much I would have never known from why one shouldn't eat caviar to the exact details of Howard Hughes life and demise. He knows something about everything and I love it. But what I don't love is that I am always on the defensive around him. I feel like there is no reason he should like me and therefore I treat everything he says with a certain defensive guard. He likes me, so why can't I let it be? And obviously, I have to live with the fact that he likes me, but he also likes other people. I am special, but I am really not that special, I am attractive, but everyone has attractive qualities, I am interesting, but everyone is interesting in different ways, I am brave for moving to a new city, but everyone here is a transient, etc, etc. Now, to be clear, Danny says only the former statements and not necessarily the latter. He likes me, but it is me pointing out that he likes everyone so it doesn't really mean anything for him to like me. So I am defensive and I am trying my best to accept our relationship for what it is. But what if I fall in love with him? I might. He thinks I surely will.
Danny is so different from the man I initially thought he was. He is still a vulgar and inappropriate asshole, but he is in a way that is entirely informed. Every thing he says is premeditated and has specific, if not ironic, intent. His whole existence is centered around the idea of questioning everything--and he does and so his understanding of the world, the politics, the technology, the language, the everything has background in research. And he knows so much. And its scary. He is a genius in some ways, and I told him that I think that it is a little bit sad that he is being "wasted", he obviously disagrees and thinks that for him to do anything he would need multi-billions of dollars to affect change. His contribution therefore is to not have kids and to use as little resources (energy, etc) as possible. Yea, I could fall in love with him. That sucks.
Jordan texted me from Madrid yesterday. He is drinking Sangria and will let me know when he's back...very cute.
My Venezuelan facebooked and said he may be in town this weekend and he wants to go to the beach. (I kind of doubt he'll make it, but I probably shouldn't eat starting Wednesday, just in case)
And Big called again today. He was a bit less dramatic and said that he thought more about things and said that a lot of what I said made sense. We don't necessarily know each other anymore. And so he asked me on a date. That in it of itself is a huge step for him and I truly believe that it is without the air of manipulation. I think he genuinely wants to go on a proper date because we haven't gone on one since we were initially getting together. So yes, Big I will go on a date with you :).
what a girl doesn't want
Big asked me to stop seeing other people. I said no. That is my life in a nut shell, and by the way, it seems my nut shell is covered in titanium as I feel completely unmoved by his plea and sudden attempt to be with me. As you may recall, a few weeks ago I finally admitted to him that I was seeing other people, nothing serious, just dating. He initially took it well. As the shock and surprise has worn off he is now very hurt and very aware of what this may mean for our us...like the reality that he and I may not have a present or a future.
I guess I appreciate the fact that he is suddenly afraid of losing me, but as I said, a part of me is completely unmoved. As I, perhaps cruelly, said to him, it feels like the SATC episode in which Carrie is moving to Paris with Alexandre and Big suddenly shows up. Exasperated, she says (and I am paraphrasing), "you always do this, its like you have some kind of radar, oh, Carrie's happy time to come in and shit all over it". I feel like my Big is doing the same thing--he can feel me slipping away, and so he is desperately reacting in order to keep ahold of me.
Anyway, I told him that I am not going to stop dating other people. And I finally said the unsaid, what if we have nothing in common, what if our values and our goals don't match, what if he only feels this way about me when things in his life aren't going well, what if he never finds financial stability, what if the love isn't enough, what if the love is gone? I said everything that has been left unsaid for so long, because it had to be said, our future depends on it. He took it pretty hard, he really didn't see it coming, he thought I loved him and I would be there and wait while he worked things out. I guess I led him the believe such.
Now with all of that said, the hardest part for me has been the guilt I feel around not feeling, well, anything. He is professing his love and desire for me and it leaves me completely unmoved. What I used to crave and need to hear, he is spoon feeding me willing to give in to all my desires. But I don't want to hear it, I find it inconvenient and burdensome. I guess I feel like I have moved on and I don't want to go back. Because I feel this way I feel incredibly guilty. How when I know the devastation I felt when he rejected me all those years ago, how could I possibly cause him that same pain? But I also need to be honest, and for the first time in my life, I have to put myself first.
While I certainly feel that way, I cannot not consider the possibility that I am making a huge mistake. I mean am I throwing away the possibility of being in a relationship with the only man I have ever truly loved, for Danny? Danny and I don't have a future, there is absolutely no possibility, sorry to disappoint you hopeful romantics, so how can I wager the possibility of it working out with Big for a man who will never meet my long-term needs. I cannot throw Big away for Danny. But, in a way its what I am willing to do. In the few short months I have known Danny he has changed me, inherently. I am not ready to give up a man who can change me and help me grow for someone who has been the ultimate reason behind my fear of rejection, my eroded self confidence, and my disillusioned feelings of self-worth.
So once again, no, I will not stop seeing Danny or any other guy. I want to know whats out there, I want to grow, I want to change, I want to flirt, I want to be fawned over, I want to be made to feel like I am special, I want to feel comfortable, I want to feel open, and I want to feel like anything is possible. I want so many things, and yet I really can't articulate what I definitively want in life. But I think I am getting closer to truly knowing. As I asked a friend of mine last night, how is it that she knows exactly what she wants out of life and I don't? Her response is that she has been able to define what she wants by first defining what she doesn't want. I guess that I can say for a fact that what I don't want is a relationship with Big because I feel obligated. As this wise woman also said, because I have chased after him for so long, it, him, the chase, has become my identity. And because it is part of who I am, I feel obligated to have him in my life and my future always. Big is not my identity at least any more--and as Danny says, what does identity mean anyway, true "identity" doesn't even exist.
To leave myself an out, I am not saying that there is absolutely no chance that Big and I will eventually work out, we may in fact. I just know that if he and I have any chance in the world, things will have to change. In the meantime I am happy to continue seeing Danny for right now, and I am happy to continue searching for someone new who can make my dreams come true. And by the way, I think that I am brave enough to say that I probably don't want the paper life, I tried it, but as I said, I am not the paper kind of girl.
I guess I appreciate the fact that he is suddenly afraid of losing me, but as I said, a part of me is completely unmoved. As I, perhaps cruelly, said to him, it feels like the SATC episode in which Carrie is moving to Paris with Alexandre and Big suddenly shows up. Exasperated, she says (and I am paraphrasing), "you always do this, its like you have some kind of radar, oh, Carrie's happy time to come in and shit all over it". I feel like my Big is doing the same thing--he can feel me slipping away, and so he is desperately reacting in order to keep ahold of me.
Anyway, I told him that I am not going to stop dating other people. And I finally said the unsaid, what if we have nothing in common, what if our values and our goals don't match, what if he only feels this way about me when things in his life aren't going well, what if he never finds financial stability, what if the love isn't enough, what if the love is gone? I said everything that has been left unsaid for so long, because it had to be said, our future depends on it. He took it pretty hard, he really didn't see it coming, he thought I loved him and I would be there and wait while he worked things out. I guess I led him the believe such.
Now with all of that said, the hardest part for me has been the guilt I feel around not feeling, well, anything. He is professing his love and desire for me and it leaves me completely unmoved. What I used to crave and need to hear, he is spoon feeding me willing to give in to all my desires. But I don't want to hear it, I find it inconvenient and burdensome. I guess I feel like I have moved on and I don't want to go back. Because I feel this way I feel incredibly guilty. How when I know the devastation I felt when he rejected me all those years ago, how could I possibly cause him that same pain? But I also need to be honest, and for the first time in my life, I have to put myself first.
While I certainly feel that way, I cannot not consider the possibility that I am making a huge mistake. I mean am I throwing away the possibility of being in a relationship with the only man I have ever truly loved, for Danny? Danny and I don't have a future, there is absolutely no possibility, sorry to disappoint you hopeful romantics, so how can I wager the possibility of it working out with Big for a man who will never meet my long-term needs. I cannot throw Big away for Danny. But, in a way its what I am willing to do. In the few short months I have known Danny he has changed me, inherently. I am not ready to give up a man who can change me and help me grow for someone who has been the ultimate reason behind my fear of rejection, my eroded self confidence, and my disillusioned feelings of self-worth.
So once again, no, I will not stop seeing Danny or any other guy. I want to know whats out there, I want to grow, I want to change, I want to flirt, I want to be fawned over, I want to be made to feel like I am special, I want to feel comfortable, I want to feel open, and I want to feel like anything is possible. I want so many things, and yet I really can't articulate what I definitively want in life. But I think I am getting closer to truly knowing. As I asked a friend of mine last night, how is it that she knows exactly what she wants out of life and I don't? Her response is that she has been able to define what she wants by first defining what she doesn't want. I guess that I can say for a fact that what I don't want is a relationship with Big because I feel obligated. As this wise woman also said, because I have chased after him for so long, it, him, the chase, has become my identity. And because it is part of who I am, I feel obligated to have him in my life and my future always. Big is not my identity at least any more--and as Danny says, what does identity mean anyway, true "identity" doesn't even exist.
To leave myself an out, I am not saying that there is absolutely no chance that Big and I will eventually work out, we may in fact. I just know that if he and I have any chance in the world, things will have to change. In the meantime I am happy to continue seeing Danny for right now, and I am happy to continue searching for someone new who can make my dreams come true. And by the way, I think that I am brave enough to say that I probably don't want the paper life, I tried it, but as I said, I am not the paper kind of girl.
Monday, July 19, 2010
the light side of the dark
I did a very brave thing today. I cancelled my cable television! How am I possibly going to fill my time if not by watching hours and hours of Criminal Mind marathons?!? An intervention was surely needed. Too much murder.
With no more cable I will have ample opportunity to work-out, learn to cook, job search, apartment search, find myself, make a budget, create a bucket list, learn to make clothes, become a famous bra designer, and more! I know, I know, who am I kidding? I don't "work-out" and I sure don't cook outside of slicing cheese. So what am I really going to do with my time? Well, I will read, do some yoga, and hopefully actually find myself and my direction. Now that I am good at life and am growing more confident by the day, the possibilities are endless. Well that is what they say anyway.
Danny and I had this conversation last night as it were. The conversation was about limitations. He feels like there really are no limitations. Like if one loses an arm, they just learn to use the other arm better. He feels that power is endless, we just need to learn to make the best of our strengths.
While I am sure that to most of you Danny seems like kind of a creep--and he is, he is a completely vulgar, crude, antagonizing, dark, tortured, frustrating, don't introduce him to anyone you know, kind of guy, but he is also the most intelligent, most interesting, most considerate/caring, most informed, most consistent, and most honest guy I have ever known. He is changing me. How you may ask? Well, I am becoming more honest, I am trying to recognize and use my personal power, I am also starting to seek out information, and I am locking all of my door-locks, among many many other things. He really is changing me by making me curious and more safe.
There is one thing that he said that is kind of bothering me. He said that his biggest fear is that he will be wasting my time because what if during the time I am spending with him, I could be missing the opportunity to meet a guy who would make me happy. He will never ever be a guy who you could have an actual relationship with. Certainly not a guy who would do the marriage or children thing. He is just content as is. He wants to date as many people as he can--even at the same time. So he is a little afraid that I will become too attached and want things from him that he can't give me. I really think that he is most concerned for me, and not for him. And he knows that he is not going anywhere, at least probably not, so he will continue seeing me as we are for as long as I want.
Now the reason that I am annoyed is because somehow I have managed to take this kind intentioned comment to mean something else...like somehow he is saying that I am weak or naive or doing something wrong. I hate to feel like I am making a mistake. I feel like making mistakes makes you look bad. And I don't want to seem wrong here. So come on, I need to go on the defensive right? I have my eyes wide open so give me some credit.
Obviously, I am reading into his words which I am apparently not allowed to do as he says. So I guess I will take him at face value, that he is not trying to make me look bad, he is just acknowledging the obvious. I am not going to get what I want out of life, out of him. For someone so dark, he sure shows me the light. And he does have a very real and valid point. I answered him simply stating that if by knowing him I am becoming a better, more honest, more curious, more confident, and smarter me, then he is not wasting my time, not at all in fact because this better version of me will be able to attract and evoke the better version of those around me.
With no more cable I will have ample opportunity to work-out, learn to cook, job search, apartment search, find myself, make a budget, create a bucket list, learn to make clothes, become a famous bra designer, and more! I know, I know, who am I kidding? I don't "work-out" and I sure don't cook outside of slicing cheese. So what am I really going to do with my time? Well, I will read, do some yoga, and hopefully actually find myself and my direction. Now that I am good at life and am growing more confident by the day, the possibilities are endless. Well that is what they say anyway.
Danny and I had this conversation last night as it were. The conversation was about limitations. He feels like there really are no limitations. Like if one loses an arm, they just learn to use the other arm better. He feels that power is endless, we just need to learn to make the best of our strengths.
While I am sure that to most of you Danny seems like kind of a creep--and he is, he is a completely vulgar, crude, antagonizing, dark, tortured, frustrating, don't introduce him to anyone you know, kind of guy, but he is also the most intelligent, most interesting, most considerate/caring, most informed, most consistent, and most honest guy I have ever known. He is changing me. How you may ask? Well, I am becoming more honest, I am trying to recognize and use my personal power, I am also starting to seek out information, and I am locking all of my door-locks, among many many other things. He really is changing me by making me curious and more safe.
There is one thing that he said that is kind of bothering me. He said that his biggest fear is that he will be wasting my time because what if during the time I am spending with him, I could be missing the opportunity to meet a guy who would make me happy. He will never ever be a guy who you could have an actual relationship with. Certainly not a guy who would do the marriage or children thing. He is just content as is. He wants to date as many people as he can--even at the same time. So he is a little afraid that I will become too attached and want things from him that he can't give me. I really think that he is most concerned for me, and not for him. And he knows that he is not going anywhere, at least probably not, so he will continue seeing me as we are for as long as I want.
Now the reason that I am annoyed is because somehow I have managed to take this kind intentioned comment to mean something else...like somehow he is saying that I am weak or naive or doing something wrong. I hate to feel like I am making a mistake. I feel like making mistakes makes you look bad. And I don't want to seem wrong here. So come on, I need to go on the defensive right? I have my eyes wide open so give me some credit.
Obviously, I am reading into his words which I am apparently not allowed to do as he says. So I guess I will take him at face value, that he is not trying to make me look bad, he is just acknowledging the obvious. I am not going to get what I want out of life, out of him. For someone so dark, he sure shows me the light. And he does have a very real and valid point. I answered him simply stating that if by knowing him I am becoming a better, more honest, more curious, more confident, and smarter me, then he is not wasting my time, not at all in fact because this better version of me will be able to attract and evoke the better version of those around me.
Friday, July 16, 2010
a late night party girl hook-up I am not
In considering your very random communication I can tell you are not interested in knowing me outside of "late night". FYI not interested nor impressed. No need to contact me again. Best.
That dear readers is the text message I sent to 50th floor Jordan last night. Wow, this honesty thing is almost going to far, almost.
Our conversation followed as:
him: Are you referring to my call this eve??? I just called to say hello..not sure what is wrong with calling to say hello..
me: Obviously nothing. I can't figure your intentions, but a late night party girl hook-up I am not. A nice cocktail, a nice invite, that's a different story.
him: Ok your wish is granted! but you might have to wait a couple weeks or so for that nice cocktail invite because I might be going to Europe this weekend.
him: Ok?? Are we good? :)
me: Sure, let me know when you're back in town.
So what prompted this little exchange? Well, first let me remind you that I have not seen Jordan since our swim together over a month ago. Since our deep dive, sporadic late night texting and occasional calls have followed. And then there is last weekend when he asked me to hang out after a work dinner which would, at the latest, run until 11:00pm. I agreed (and cancelled on Danny) only after he reassured me it would most likely be earlier and not later. Obviously due to my strict you-must-cancel-on-me policy, it wasn't until 12:40am that he was available to hang out, and he still considered that to be early. Not in my world as I was in bed at 11:00pm. He was "sorry". I was pretty annoyed and mad but I let it go and said that it was fine. The next night he called me at 3:30am to see if I was still out?? Um, no. I then suggested that we try to get together for a happy hour during the week, and even directly invited him to one on Monday. He had "plans" on Monday and didn't bother to suggest an alternative date.
So I guess when he called at a normal 9:00pm last night I had high hopes. Instead he asked what I was up to, sounded disappointed when I said I was watching the news and not "out", and then let me go without the mention of future plans. Possibly on the slightly dramatic side, I sent him the afforescripted text.
Danny always tells me that I have a lot of power, I just don't use it. Instead I always let the guy take the lead and treat me however he so lazily chooses which always results in dating the same guys over and over again--guys who don't put in effort, guys who are sporadic and unpredictable, guys who are not interested in me outside of occasional FWBs. I am tired of that! And I need to be the one to take the control, assert my power, and change things!
No matter how much fun I have found dating to be, I really still am looking for that elusive "relationship". I crave the comfort and consistency a relationship can provide. Sure, it has been fun to spend time with Vegas, but it ultimately is just disappointing that he has not wanted to take it to the next level. I find that to be unacceptable and I am no longer so desperate that I need to try really hard and keep him interested out of boredom (as I did w/ CPA). Instead I am done with Vegas; which is fine as I really don't know if I can do paper after all.
And I am sad to say this, but even part of the novelty of Danny's and my "loverationship" has worn off. I find myself liking him too much and I find myself becoming frustrated when he can't hang out because he is hanging out with another "friend". Its like I am feeling these pangs of jealousy which are mild, but still I didn't expect them to be there at all. This is not to say that I would ever want to be in a true traditional relationship w/ Danny, he really is not of that quality, but I would prefer if he didn't have other "friends" and if he could occasionally spend the night. I am glad that I generally see him twice a week and that we talk every day--I guess there is comfort in that. As I told him on Wednesday, the reason I do like him is because he is making a very evasive and uncurious person by nature, honest and curious--and this honesty and curiosity is changing me.
That dear readers is the text message I sent to 50th floor Jordan last night. Wow, this honesty thing is almost going to far, almost.
Our conversation followed as:
him: Are you referring to my call this eve??? I just called to say hello..not sure what is wrong with calling to say hello..
me: Obviously nothing. I can't figure your intentions, but a late night party girl hook-up I am not. A nice cocktail, a nice invite, that's a different story.
him: Ok your wish is granted! but you might have to wait a couple weeks or so for that nice cocktail invite because I might be going to Europe this weekend.
him: Ok?? Are we good? :)
me: Sure, let me know when you're back in town.
So what prompted this little exchange? Well, first let me remind you that I have not seen Jordan since our swim together over a month ago. Since our deep dive, sporadic late night texting and occasional calls have followed. And then there is last weekend when he asked me to hang out after a work dinner which would, at the latest, run until 11:00pm. I agreed (and cancelled on Danny) only after he reassured me it would most likely be earlier and not later. Obviously due to my strict you-must-cancel-on-me policy, it wasn't until 12:40am that he was available to hang out, and he still considered that to be early. Not in my world as I was in bed at 11:00pm. He was "sorry". I was pretty annoyed and mad but I let it go and said that it was fine. The next night he called me at 3:30am to see if I was still out?? Um, no. I then suggested that we try to get together for a happy hour during the week, and even directly invited him to one on Monday. He had "plans" on Monday and didn't bother to suggest an alternative date.
So I guess when he called at a normal 9:00pm last night I had high hopes. Instead he asked what I was up to, sounded disappointed when I said I was watching the news and not "out", and then let me go without the mention of future plans. Possibly on the slightly dramatic side, I sent him the afforescripted text.
Danny always tells me that I have a lot of power, I just don't use it. Instead I always let the guy take the lead and treat me however he so lazily chooses which always results in dating the same guys over and over again--guys who don't put in effort, guys who are sporadic and unpredictable, guys who are not interested in me outside of occasional FWBs. I am tired of that! And I need to be the one to take the control, assert my power, and change things!
No matter how much fun I have found dating to be, I really still am looking for that elusive "relationship". I crave the comfort and consistency a relationship can provide. Sure, it has been fun to spend time with Vegas, but it ultimately is just disappointing that he has not wanted to take it to the next level. I find that to be unacceptable and I am no longer so desperate that I need to try really hard and keep him interested out of boredom (as I did w/ CPA). Instead I am done with Vegas; which is fine as I really don't know if I can do paper after all.
And I am sad to say this, but even part of the novelty of Danny's and my "loverationship" has worn off. I find myself liking him too much and I find myself becoming frustrated when he can't hang out because he is hanging out with another "friend". Its like I am feeling these pangs of jealousy which are mild, but still I didn't expect them to be there at all. This is not to say that I would ever want to be in a true traditional relationship w/ Danny, he really is not of that quality, but I would prefer if he didn't have other "friends" and if he could occasionally spend the night. I am glad that I generally see him twice a week and that we talk every day--I guess there is comfort in that. As I told him on Wednesday, the reason I do like him is because he is making a very evasive and uncurious person by nature, honest and curious--and this honesty and curiosity is changing me.
Friday, July 9, 2010
the things we don't say
Now more than ever I am seeing how honesty and disclosure are strengths and not weaknesses. As I said in a recent post, I felt like if I were honest about certain things in my life, then I would appear weak and imperfect. There is that word again, perfect. For you long-term avid followers, you know that appearance and perfection are consistent themes in my posts. I have always felt like appearing to be happy and perfect was far more important than actually feeling such. I think that I am not alone possibly in leading my life that way. The reality however was that I wasn't good at appearing like I had it all together, I was for awhile, but then things started going wrong and I started to overindulge in the drinking, partying, and one-night stands. But that all was okay wasn't it? I mean I was cool, I was busy, I was living. In reality I was drowning, a daily victim of regret, embarrassment, and diminishing self-esteem. And once again to offer up honesty, there in lies the reason that my moving to Chi-ville was absolutely necessary and the right thing to do.
It didn't always seem like the right thing to do. There were many days and times when I would say to my best friend, "I know that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, but I do not understand why I am here, I can't find the reason for it." Many months later I have my answer; and it wasn't my life coach or my financial coach or my spiritual growth that led me to my answers, it has been the peace I have started to find within that has left me with a new joie de vivre. This innerpeace has perpetuated itself through my ability to finally accept myself and my "flaws" and to love them each as they are. Feel free to roll your eyes here, to paraphrase my favorite Firth, I love me just as I am. In a way I have always loved me as I am, but because I was so sensitive and influenced by how other people have felt about me, I have often felt in the wrong, that my feelings didn't matter, and that it was okay if people treated me poorly because I clearly deserved it.
My blithering aside, my point is that I am learning a (several) lesson(s) much overdue: that it is okay to be honest, that showing vulnerability makes us human, and that we need to be who we are all the time and be proud of it and to hell with anyone who doesn't like us for us. For some of us the challenge is letting go of destructive relationships or draining friendships, for others it might be reaching out to our best friends and family risking difficult and uncomfortable conversations when we know we have to, and for some (including us single ladies) it might be having the courage and self-respect to state our relationship goals and objectives to possible matches and ask for theirs in return.
And by the way I need to get better at all three, most notably the last one as I have always lived and abided by a strict don't ask don't tell policy. I am going to do my best though, and in doing my best to be more open, I think that I can change my life and change the lives of those around me, even if just in a small way. And the reason I know this is because there is a friend of mine who has newly found strength in opening up and letting people in to see her life as it is, not as the mirage it seemed to be. What I mean is that to the outside world looking in her life was perfect, but in reality, for her, it was far from. Her bravery and vulnerability in opening up and letting people in to see her truth has been transforming to her, but also to myself in a way. I look at her and the trials and tribulations she is going through and I am moved, I am saddened, I am excited, I am inspired, I am speechless, and most of all I am proud and in admiration of her strength, bravery, courage, and heart. She is teaching me every day (and I am also teaching her), how to be proudly honest in life. Honesty with other people only comes after we are honest with ourselves.
To my friend: I love you, I support you, I admire you, and I am inspired by you, you are my making me a better me and I promise to help make you a better (happier) you.
It didn't always seem like the right thing to do. There were many days and times when I would say to my best friend, "I know that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, but I do not understand why I am here, I can't find the reason for it." Many months later I have my answer; and it wasn't my life coach or my financial coach or my spiritual growth that led me to my answers, it has been the peace I have started to find within that has left me with a new joie de vivre. This innerpeace has perpetuated itself through my ability to finally accept myself and my "flaws" and to love them each as they are. Feel free to roll your eyes here, to paraphrase my favorite Firth, I love me just as I am. In a way I have always loved me as I am, but because I was so sensitive and influenced by how other people have felt about me, I have often felt in the wrong, that my feelings didn't matter, and that it was okay if people treated me poorly because I clearly deserved it.
My blithering aside, my point is that I am learning a (several) lesson(s) much overdue: that it is okay to be honest, that showing vulnerability makes us human, and that we need to be who we are all the time and be proud of it and to hell with anyone who doesn't like us for us. For some of us the challenge is letting go of destructive relationships or draining friendships, for others it might be reaching out to our best friends and family risking difficult and uncomfortable conversations when we know we have to, and for some (including us single ladies) it might be having the courage and self-respect to state our relationship goals and objectives to possible matches and ask for theirs in return.
And by the way I need to get better at all three, most notably the last one as I have always lived and abided by a strict don't ask don't tell policy. I am going to do my best though, and in doing my best to be more open, I think that I can change my life and change the lives of those around me, even if just in a small way. And the reason I know this is because there is a friend of mine who has newly found strength in opening up and letting people in to see her life as it is, not as the mirage it seemed to be. What I mean is that to the outside world looking in her life was perfect, but in reality, for her, it was far from. Her bravery and vulnerability in opening up and letting people in to see her truth has been transforming to her, but also to myself in a way. I look at her and the trials and tribulations she is going through and I am moved, I am saddened, I am excited, I am inspired, I am speechless, and most of all I am proud and in admiration of her strength, bravery, courage, and heart. She is teaching me every day (and I am also teaching her), how to be proudly honest in life. Honesty with other people only comes after we are honest with ourselves.
To my friend: I love you, I support you, I admire you, and I am inspired by you, you are my making me a better me and I promise to help make you a better (happier) you.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Not so single weekend
How do you date like a man? This single life is getting a little complicated--in a good way :).
So this weekend I have three, yes 3, dates lined up. I have set up 3 dates to fill up my 3 night weekend, Fri, Sat, and Sun. Friday I will be seeing Jordan, Sat night is reserved for Vegas, and Sunday night is promised to Danny (originally I was to see Danny Friday night but I had to bump him due to 50th floor). Wow, did I just officially turn into a guy?
I am not sure I can keep up this "guy" lifestyle, but it is certainly worth a try, I mean after all, what is the harm? Seems like a dangerous question as I am surely in dangerous territory.
The thing about it is that I like all three guys at least as much as the other. Not true, as I am partial to Danny due to our open relationship and mutual understanding. Spending time with him is easy. He and I are actually in a relationship, more like a loverationship. We are "lovers" (draw your own conclusions but this does not necessarily mean only the "sex"), and we are friends. We are in a loverationship as defined as a relationship in a proper sense, but with the freedom to see other people. For example, we talk almost daily as he has a genuine concern for my well-being (like I have to call him when I am safe after a plane ride or a 7 hour car ride, or he will call me if there is severe weather, etc.). He would adhere to proper family functions if I so permitted and he is not going to leave me or break things off ever. I will need to be the one to stop seeing him once I find the actual relationship that I am looking for. Once this happens he will be sad but as long as I treat the "end" with respect and dignity then he will always regard me favorably. Wow, this is really new to me. Both comfort and security possible with one guy? Crazy. Of course this is not the long term w/ a future relationship I am looking for, but he is adding value to my life and to my self-esteem.
Next I guess I am in favor of Jordan. Not only do I like the view of Chicago from his balcony, but he has the culture, joy of travel, appreciation for fashion, and accent that I so love. It is darling. Unfortunately, this Jordan version of my Venezuelan is all about the party and not about the relationship.
Last I am in favor of Vegas. I can't really tell if I do or do not like him. I have had to do all of the recent texting and suggesting to make a date. He is a good guy but very very paper with good enough written all over him. I do like him despite that, and I am looking forward to seeing him.
So there you go. A single girl does Chicago like a man.
So this weekend I have three, yes 3, dates lined up. I have set up 3 dates to fill up my 3 night weekend, Fri, Sat, and Sun. Friday I will be seeing Jordan, Sat night is reserved for Vegas, and Sunday night is promised to Danny (originally I was to see Danny Friday night but I had to bump him due to 50th floor). Wow, did I just officially turn into a guy?
I am not sure I can keep up this "guy" lifestyle, but it is certainly worth a try, I mean after all, what is the harm? Seems like a dangerous question as I am surely in dangerous territory.
The thing about it is that I like all three guys at least as much as the other. Not true, as I am partial to Danny due to our open relationship and mutual understanding. Spending time with him is easy. He and I are actually in a relationship, more like a loverationship. We are "lovers" (draw your own conclusions but this does not necessarily mean only the "sex"), and we are friends. We are in a loverationship as defined as a relationship in a proper sense, but with the freedom to see other people. For example, we talk almost daily as he has a genuine concern for my well-being (like I have to call him when I am safe after a plane ride or a 7 hour car ride, or he will call me if there is severe weather, etc.). He would adhere to proper family functions if I so permitted and he is not going to leave me or break things off ever. I will need to be the one to stop seeing him once I find the actual relationship that I am looking for. Once this happens he will be sad but as long as I treat the "end" with respect and dignity then he will always regard me favorably. Wow, this is really new to me. Both comfort and security possible with one guy? Crazy. Of course this is not the long term w/ a future relationship I am looking for, but he is adding value to my life and to my self-esteem.
Next I guess I am in favor of Jordan. Not only do I like the view of Chicago from his balcony, but he has the culture, joy of travel, appreciation for fashion, and accent that I so love. It is darling. Unfortunately, this Jordan version of my Venezuelan is all about the party and not about the relationship.
Last I am in favor of Vegas. I can't really tell if I do or do not like him. I have had to do all of the recent texting and suggesting to make a date. He is a good guy but very very paper with good enough written all over him. I do like him despite that, and I am looking forward to seeing him.
So there you go. A single girl does Chicago like a man.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Honestly, more honesty
Honesty is catchy. My full disclosure with Danny left me craving more honesty and these feelings were on my side a few days ago when I broke the news to Big that I was seeing other people. This was after he broke the Big news that he was moving back to the Minne.
I should be experiencing feelings of devastation, sadness, a broken-heart, and regret right now, but instead, I really don't feel much of anything. Not true, I feel proud of myself for telling him a lot of the truth, and I also feel proud of myself for not retracting, caving, or trying to "get him back". I successfully and once again, broke up with Big.
He was laid off from his LA job which is very disappointing. There was not enough work and he was the least senior member, so unfortunately, he was the one to go. He is handling it okay, even a bit cheery as he would like to get out of CA. But as I told him, if he really wants to see his dream come true, then he should do what he can to stay and make it happen.
That was one Big surprise, the other is the fact that Big considered us to be in a relationship and not seeing other people. Um, news to me considering we talk with the frequency of a full moon. I knew that he allegedly wasn't seeing anyone else as he was too busy. But I guess it surprises me that he actually thought that I was okay with that kind of relationship and that I wasn't going to see anyone else. I guess this must have been a product of my inability to articulate what I want, or what my expectations are. Instead, I didn't really care what he thought we were doing, I had my cake and ate it to, if that phrase applies.
So my news about seeing other people came as a surprise to him, but he took it well, a bit too well even. He knows that I am right. I mean how do you have a relationship with someone who live 2000 miles away and whose definition of a "relationship" is so completely different from your own? You don't. Every day that passes I get better and better at understanding who I am and what I want. I am no longer basing my self worth on him and I haven't for a long time. It is time that I am honest with myself and with him, we are not right for each other, we cannot make each other happy, and love has got nothing to do with it. So as I told him, I am seeing other people, I have moved on with my life.
And because I was on a roll and why not? I faced my Stalker. You may recall my Stalker (played by Terrence Howard) is totally in love with me and desperately wants to marry me and have a family. I entertained the idea, tried to buy in, but ultimately knew that I would never be able to go through with marrying a man I had no feelings for. I am not that big of a liar and I am certainly not cruel. So in an extremely cowardly fashion, I stopped talking to him about 6 months ago without so much as an explanation. I just stopped answering his calls. We were talking about once or twice a week at the time so my absence was noticed and very hurtful. I was wrong, I was awful, I just couldn't face him. I couldn't face having the conversation where I would have to tell him that I don't have any feelings for him and that I never ever will. It almost seemed kinder not to say it, but lets be honest, the reason I didn't want to say it is because I would have felt uncomfortable, not out of concern for him.
To make things right I called him. I told him I was sorry and that I was wrong. I then was honest and told him the truth, that we did not have a future. He really is a good and calm person who has had more hardships in his life than anyone should. He said that he understood, that he wasn't mad at me, and basically that he is not going anywhere, he will wait until I change my mind. Um! Wrong answer! I restated that I won't change my mind, but in his mind there is a chance I might. He really doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to be with him. He would treat me well, give me anything in the world I want, let me do whatever I want, let us live anywhere I want, etc, etc. He would do anything to make me happy and according to him, other guys will just use me. He pleads a good case, but I am not ready to settle for good enough, I may settle for a colored paper life in the end, but I will not settle for good enough because I can't fake it. Now, I didn't tell him all that per se, it seemed kinder not to.
I should be experiencing feelings of devastation, sadness, a broken-heart, and regret right now, but instead, I really don't feel much of anything. Not true, I feel proud of myself for telling him a lot of the truth, and I also feel proud of myself for not retracting, caving, or trying to "get him back". I successfully and once again, broke up with Big.
He was laid off from his LA job which is very disappointing. There was not enough work and he was the least senior member, so unfortunately, he was the one to go. He is handling it okay, even a bit cheery as he would like to get out of CA. But as I told him, if he really wants to see his dream come true, then he should do what he can to stay and make it happen.
That was one Big surprise, the other is the fact that Big considered us to be in a relationship and not seeing other people. Um, news to me considering we talk with the frequency of a full moon. I knew that he allegedly wasn't seeing anyone else as he was too busy. But I guess it surprises me that he actually thought that I was okay with that kind of relationship and that I wasn't going to see anyone else. I guess this must have been a product of my inability to articulate what I want, or what my expectations are. Instead, I didn't really care what he thought we were doing, I had my cake and ate it to, if that phrase applies.
So my news about seeing other people came as a surprise to him, but he took it well, a bit too well even. He knows that I am right. I mean how do you have a relationship with someone who live 2000 miles away and whose definition of a "relationship" is so completely different from your own? You don't. Every day that passes I get better and better at understanding who I am and what I want. I am no longer basing my self worth on him and I haven't for a long time. It is time that I am honest with myself and with him, we are not right for each other, we cannot make each other happy, and love has got nothing to do with it. So as I told him, I am seeing other people, I have moved on with my life.
And because I was on a roll and why not? I faced my Stalker. You may recall my Stalker (played by Terrence Howard) is totally in love with me and desperately wants to marry me and have a family. I entertained the idea, tried to buy in, but ultimately knew that I would never be able to go through with marrying a man I had no feelings for. I am not that big of a liar and I am certainly not cruel. So in an extremely cowardly fashion, I stopped talking to him about 6 months ago without so much as an explanation. I just stopped answering his calls. We were talking about once or twice a week at the time so my absence was noticed and very hurtful. I was wrong, I was awful, I just couldn't face him. I couldn't face having the conversation where I would have to tell him that I don't have any feelings for him and that I never ever will. It almost seemed kinder not to say it, but lets be honest, the reason I didn't want to say it is because I would have felt uncomfortable, not out of concern for him.
To make things right I called him. I told him I was sorry and that I was wrong. I then was honest and told him the truth, that we did not have a future. He really is a good and calm person who has had more hardships in his life than anyone should. He said that he understood, that he wasn't mad at me, and basically that he is not going anywhere, he will wait until I change my mind. Um! Wrong answer! I restated that I won't change my mind, but in his mind there is a chance I might. He really doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to be with him. He would treat me well, give me anything in the world I want, let me do whatever I want, let us live anywhere I want, etc, etc. He would do anything to make me happy and according to him, other guys will just use me. He pleads a good case, but I am not ready to settle for good enough, I may settle for a colored paper life in the end, but I will not settle for good enough because I can't fake it. Now, I didn't tell him all that per se, it seemed kinder not to.
I like me. There, I said it.
I have been suffering from a desperate case of writer's block as of late, so I do apologize in advance if this piece is not up to par. Unfortunately, my writer's block has resulted in a big build up of very juicy singleformation. I will do my best to bring the six of you up to speed :)
Danny and I had a very very very revealing conversation a few weeks ago in which I surprised myself and went full disclosure and soberly shared with him a very guarded part of myself. Like very guarded, something I have never shared with another man and have only shared with a few close girlfriends. (Now because I am being vague I will say that its not a unique life threatening secret by any means, nor is it weird so don't worry!). The reason I went full disclosure is not because we were having an intense intimate conversation or anything, actually, I finally came clean to stop him from pestering me. I had had enough and was tired of being coy and evasive and he sure was not letting up, so I said to hell with it, I don't care, here is what you want to know...I answered his question.
I HATE questions! Rather, I hate certain types of questions that are about me because I don't really care to talk very much about myself (I'm sure my friends would disagree). I think that there are probably a lot of reasons for my guardedness mostly stemming from insecurities and fears about being judged, and partially stemming from my distaste for people who share TMI. Whatever the reasons are, I have always found it very difficult to open up to people until I know them very well, and I have never ever been able to open up and be honest with a guy. Hello, remember CPA where I couldn't even ask him if he liked me for fear of rejection? I have always equated telling the truth and being vulnerable as signs of weakness, not of strength. This seems to be backwards thinking in retrospect. Unfortunately, being uncomfortable talking about myself does not usually make for a great first impression as it makes me seem very closed off, guarded, impersonal, standoffish, snobbish, shy, and unfriendly.
So back to his question. I did not want to provide an answer because I felt like if I told him the truth, it would make me look bad. You may have caught on to this, but I have been working furiously hard all of my life to appear like I am (please get ready to roll your eyes) perfect. Not perfect perfect, but perfect as it would be considered by society, perfect as in what I would consider my perfect version of myself to be. By answering I let him in and slowly but surely, he is getting to know the real me, not the me I try to pretend I am.
The remarkable part is not that I was honest and told the truth to appease him, the remarkable part is that I felt comfortable telling him something personal. For the first time in my life, I feel completely at ease being myself around a guy. I am letting him see me and all of my, what I consider to be, flaws. And guess what, he likes me anyway, despite my flaws, and he doesn't even consider them to be flaws, and in some cases, he likes me more because of them. I get to be myself and I like that because I like me.
Danny and I had a very very very revealing conversation a few weeks ago in which I surprised myself and went full disclosure and soberly shared with him a very guarded part of myself. Like very guarded, something I have never shared with another man and have only shared with a few close girlfriends. (Now because I am being vague I will say that its not a unique life threatening secret by any means, nor is it weird so don't worry!). The reason I went full disclosure is not because we were having an intense intimate conversation or anything, actually, I finally came clean to stop him from pestering me. I had had enough and was tired of being coy and evasive and he sure was not letting up, so I said to hell with it, I don't care, here is what you want to know...I answered his question.
I HATE questions! Rather, I hate certain types of questions that are about me because I don't really care to talk very much about myself (I'm sure my friends would disagree). I think that there are probably a lot of reasons for my guardedness mostly stemming from insecurities and fears about being judged, and partially stemming from my distaste for people who share TMI. Whatever the reasons are, I have always found it very difficult to open up to people until I know them very well, and I have never ever been able to open up and be honest with a guy. Hello, remember CPA where I couldn't even ask him if he liked me for fear of rejection? I have always equated telling the truth and being vulnerable as signs of weakness, not of strength. This seems to be backwards thinking in retrospect. Unfortunately, being uncomfortable talking about myself does not usually make for a great first impression as it makes me seem very closed off, guarded, impersonal, standoffish, snobbish, shy, and unfriendly.
So back to his question. I did not want to provide an answer because I felt like if I told him the truth, it would make me look bad. You may have caught on to this, but I have been working furiously hard all of my life to appear like I am (please get ready to roll your eyes) perfect. Not perfect perfect, but perfect as it would be considered by society, perfect as in what I would consider my perfect version of myself to be. By answering I let him in and slowly but surely, he is getting to know the real me, not the me I try to pretend I am.
The remarkable part is not that I was honest and told the truth to appease him, the remarkable part is that I felt comfortable telling him something personal. For the first time in my life, I feel completely at ease being myself around a guy. I am letting him see me and all of my, what I consider to be, flaws. And guess what, he likes me anyway, despite my flaws, and he doesn't even consider them to be flaws, and in some cases, he likes me more because of them. I get to be myself and I like that because I like me.
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