I finally cried, and I cried hard, and I cried for Big to Big. Its really happening, Big is moving to LA...life imitates art. He hadn't called me for over 2 weeks since he left for LA for his interview. He hadn't returned my voicemail and only barely returned my text w/ an "I'm busy, talk to you later". Truth is if I hadn't been so otherwise engaged with my Venezuelan, I would have been extremely pissed off and irritated. And that's exactly how I felt last night when I called him.
He very cooly answered the phone, like I was putting him out in some way for calling. I instantly recognized the distance in his voice, his icy tone, the asshole, the quiet, it was all very familiar. Familiar yet I can't quite explain it...it is the familiar where you know someone so well that their behaviors, moods, actions, everything is familiar and you just know. So this familiar asshole was very cold and rude to me on the phone when I asked him why the x&$%& he hadn't called me to tell me the news. Of course his excuse for everything is he is busy...busy moving to LA this Friday. So it finally hit me, hit me hard, hit me like a ton of bricks, my Big, for better or worse my heart, is moving to LA this Friday. And I finally cried.
So this familiar side of Big comes out when he wants to avoid certain conversations...he really wanted to avoid telling me because he (claims) he doesn't know what to say, and I think partially he was afraid of what my reaction would be. Apparently, he thought that I would be angry and yell at him or something. Again, I know Big pretty well, he doesn't seem to know me very well (or he hasn't been paying attention because I really haven't yelled at him since October when I found out he was still "just" sharing a bed with his X)...um not quite the same situation unless he is moving with his X to LA in which case I would yell very loud. He claims that he is going alone, and that is about as much as he would say. I am getting the feeling that he is trying not to tell me something, but I don't know what it is and I don't want to know something that will hurt me so I am not pushing it. But there is a possibility that he is a just scared of leaving his life so abruptly and really doesn't quite know how to handle it. Big has 612 (Mpls area code) tattooed on his chest, he loves Mpls, he loves his dog, he loves his motorcycle, he loves his place, he loves his life. He hates LA, hates the people, but his passion for his dreams mean more to him than anything or anyone in the world and he will do whatever it takes. While this was something I could never really understand about him, I have learned to accept this unrelenting aspiration, and even admire it. So maybe he is scared, maybe he is sad, maybe he will miss me. Maybe, I will never know as he doesn't seem to want to talk to me about it.
I asked him to stop in Chicago on his way to LA...I need to see him. He doesn't know if he wants to stop...saying how he hates goodbyes. As I reminded him, he has said goodbye to me twice now, I have left him twice...and its true, our very last goodbyes on my way out of town is always pretty awkward and a bit cold...certainly not warm and passionate. Could our goodbyes really have been that hard on him so that he wants to avoid saying goodbye to me altogether? And this goodbye has the potential to be long-term and life-changing. This goodbye has the potential to be lasting and the final end of a relationship between us that both of us thought might not actually end. He did say just last Christmas how he thinks that we'll end up together in the end. Even just knowing that he feels that way, against all odds http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OiV_5kEt6A, comforts me and has helped me unknowingly prepare for his departure.
I asked him to stop in Chicago because I need him to, I need him to do it for me, I have never asked him for anything but I need him to do this one thing. I don't think he'll stop though. Its just not him, its just not who he is.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
A lot like love
Sorry readers for my absence this week...this Chi girl has been busy jetsetting to Detroit and hosting a very sexy houseguest for the weekend. Wow, isn't life grand when you are busy doing stuff? My darling MPLS FWB was in town with his 4 bffs for the weekend. I have heard stories about these guys before but I had never had the pleasure of meeting them. It was truly the most random group of guys I could have ever imagined. My friend is 33 and a very attractive man from Venezuela, and his BFFs are all 10-20 years his senior and look like washed up rockers Keith Richards style...in a good way. They were all hilarious and odd. And, it all makes sense why my FWB is only an FWB...all of his besties are single and never married bachelors! Bad influences! My darling friend has no chance of settling down, why would he when he is hanging out with his bachelor family of clowns 24/7? Truly, this was a eye-opening and illustrative weekend glimpse into the world of bachelors.
We had a lot of fun this weekend, and while I was slightly out of place crashing the boys weekend, they were all very nice and welcoming. Friday night we danced it up at a reggae bar, my Venezuelan is an excellent dancer by the way. Sat my Venezuelan and I got up early and went to brunch and then went for a walk in my neighborhood and shopped for bicycles. We met up with the boys in another neighborhood later and spent 2 hours browsing an independent book store. Then we spent some time at a coffee shop before heading to a hot yoga class and then a birthday bash of a dead writer where my Venezuelan and I were the youngest people by at least 30 years (which warranted us getting our picture taken to be published in a night review), and then we wrapped up the night at a blues bar. And then the Venezuelan spent the night again, marking the most time he and I have ever spent together in our 3 year FWB friendship. Truth is the more you are around this man, the more you fall a little bit more in love. Don't worry this is not an "in love" that will leave me feeling depressed or sad, it is more of an "in love" where you truly feel in awe of someone and appreciate to heart their character and grace. My Venezuelan is someone you just want to be around, and you can't help but falling in love.
My Venezuelan is the complete opposite of Big. He is affectionate, considerate, passionate, attentive, and wonderful, and for one weekend, I got to be his girl. Although he and I have never been in an actual relationship, he has no problem showing me affection in public and in front of his friends. He is the guy who carries your luggage, opens doors, has his arm around you while walking, kisses you in the middle of a bookstore, has his hand on your leg at the bar, gropes you inappropriately on the subway, and spoons you at night...he is darling...and completely unattainable. I guess I need to figure out a way to hook his single friends up with some gorgeous women and then somehow figure out how to make my Venezuelan My Venezeluan.
We had a lot of fun this weekend, and while I was slightly out of place crashing the boys weekend, they were all very nice and welcoming. Friday night we danced it up at a reggae bar, my Venezuelan is an excellent dancer by the way. Sat my Venezuelan and I got up early and went to brunch and then went for a walk in my neighborhood and shopped for bicycles. We met up with the boys in another neighborhood later and spent 2 hours browsing an independent book store. Then we spent some time at a coffee shop before heading to a hot yoga class and then a birthday bash of a dead writer where my Venezuelan and I were the youngest people by at least 30 years (which warranted us getting our picture taken to be published in a night review), and then we wrapped up the night at a blues bar. And then the Venezuelan spent the night again, marking the most time he and I have ever spent together in our 3 year FWB friendship. Truth is the more you are around this man, the more you fall a little bit more in love. Don't worry this is not an "in love" that will leave me feeling depressed or sad, it is more of an "in love" where you truly feel in awe of someone and appreciate to heart their character and grace. My Venezuelan is someone you just want to be around, and you can't help but falling in love.
My Venezuelan is the complete opposite of Big. He is affectionate, considerate, passionate, attentive, and wonderful, and for one weekend, I got to be his girl. Although he and I have never been in an actual relationship, he has no problem showing me affection in public and in front of his friends. He is the guy who carries your luggage, opens doors, has his arm around you while walking, kisses you in the middle of a bookstore, has his hand on your leg at the bar, gropes you inappropriately on the subway, and spoons you at night...he is darling...and completely unattainable. I guess I need to figure out a way to hook his single friends up with some gorgeous women and then somehow figure out how to make my Venezuelan My Venezeluan.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Intuition: friend or foe?
After my fabulous friend cancelled on me for tonight I broke down and texted CPA. Note, CPA has not texted me since the ridiculous conversation from a week's past. I can say with certainty that as I concluded at the time, he is really not interested in me past FWB. Okay, I can live with that, or as apparent by my text tonight, I can't live without that...
Why do I go back and forth as to whether or not having a guy in my life as FWB is better than not having guy in my life at all? Really, part is circumstantial...if I had a great network of friends here in the Chi then I would not necessarily feel lonely to the point of compromising on my alleged principles. I would hope not anyway.
CPA is busy tonight but said maybe tomorrow...his maybes usually turn into him CPAing (ie working) and being unavailable. Honestly (well honestly at the moment) I do feel like I have made peace with our reality. While I would have liked for things to have gone differently, I feel that because I now know exactly what his intentions are not I can sort of accept the reality of what his intentions (lack there of) are: he isn't looking for a relationship, its not my fault, and we are attracted to each other.
Here is the thing, I have an incredible amount of very accurate intuition, meaning I can be right with-in a small fraction of possible variation about most things, specifically, I can tell if a guy is in to me or not, does he like me, will he call me after our first date, will he turn into a stalker, etc, etc??. I have never been misguided by my intuition. Ever. If I have such great intuition then why do I get hurt or surprised? Truth is that I am never surprised but I am often hurt. I think it is the optimistic side (yes the risk-taking hopeful part of me is optimistic) that ignores my intuition in hopes that it is wrong. This is usually perpetuated by wonderfully intending friends whose job it is to cheerlead, build confidence, and impress hope. Thank goodness for friends because sometimes, carrying a false sense of hope is better than the reality of the intuition.
Oddly, (and I really cannot believe that I will even admit to this) the first night I attended the hub meeting there was some fleeting part of my intuition that felt like I was in a room with a guy I might end up marrying...my intuition was not specific on the guy, just on the possibility. Weird. Then CPA and I started down some kind of path of friendship +. With each CPA encounter my intuition was very loud in the fact that he only wanted FWB, but my wonderful friends suggested otherwise. Is this a case of my initial intuition being wrongly interpreted? Probably. Was my intuition right in that I would develop some kind of relationship with someone in the room right? Yes. Again, intuition is right with-in a fraction of variability.
If I do see CPA again its fine. If I don't its fine. In general, I guess that I just need to get to a point of acceptance and then I can move forward without being hurt. There is nothing more CPA, Big, or any past FWB can do to hurt me. I can only be hurt by opening myself up to the new, the hope, and the possibility.
Why do I go back and forth as to whether or not having a guy in my life as FWB is better than not having guy in my life at all? Really, part is circumstantial...if I had a great network of friends here in the Chi then I would not necessarily feel lonely to the point of compromising on my alleged principles. I would hope not anyway.
CPA is busy tonight but said maybe tomorrow...his maybes usually turn into him CPAing (ie working) and being unavailable. Honestly (well honestly at the moment) I do feel like I have made peace with our reality. While I would have liked for things to have gone differently, I feel that because I now know exactly what his intentions are not I can sort of accept the reality of what his intentions (lack there of) are: he isn't looking for a relationship, its not my fault, and we are attracted to each other.
Here is the thing, I have an incredible amount of very accurate intuition, meaning I can be right with-in a small fraction of possible variation about most things, specifically, I can tell if a guy is in to me or not, does he like me, will he call me after our first date, will he turn into a stalker, etc, etc??. I have never been misguided by my intuition. Ever. If I have such great intuition then why do I get hurt or surprised? Truth is that I am never surprised but I am often hurt. I think it is the optimistic side (yes the risk-taking hopeful part of me is optimistic) that ignores my intuition in hopes that it is wrong. This is usually perpetuated by wonderfully intending friends whose job it is to cheerlead, build confidence, and impress hope. Thank goodness for friends because sometimes, carrying a false sense of hope is better than the reality of the intuition.
Oddly, (and I really cannot believe that I will even admit to this) the first night I attended the hub meeting there was some fleeting part of my intuition that felt like I was in a room with a guy I might end up marrying...my intuition was not specific on the guy, just on the possibility. Weird. Then CPA and I started down some kind of path of friendship +. With each CPA encounter my intuition was very loud in the fact that he only wanted FWB, but my wonderful friends suggested otherwise. Is this a case of my initial intuition being wrongly interpreted? Probably. Was my intuition right in that I would develop some kind of relationship with someone in the room right? Yes. Again, intuition is right with-in a fraction of variability.
If I do see CPA again its fine. If I don't its fine. In general, I guess that I just need to get to a point of acceptance and then I can move forward without being hurt. There is nothing more CPA, Big, or any past FWB can do to hurt me. I can only be hurt by opening myself up to the new, the hope, and the possibility.
Skinny jeanius
Miserable Chicago weather outside equals perfect spring cleaning inside. I tackled my closet, boxes that I managed to move to the Chi but not quite unpack in the Chi. I came across my vintage gloves, an old pair of tan suede boots that extend over the knee, and my skinny skinny jeans. Every woman has her skinny jeans, they are the pair that is a size smaller than your other pairs and you keep them around to incent you to either one day fit back into them, or incent you to stay fitting in them. They are a benchmark denim. I purchased this pair of Paper Denim and Cloth jeans about 4 years ago (when PD&C was still considered the premium of denim) and it marked the smallest size of denim I had ever purchased and my first ever version of a skinny jean, which has since forever changed my life.
How you may ask has a skinny jean changed my life? Up until the skinny revolution I had been in waiting-for-a-flood hell. As a tall girl, pushing nearly 6 feet, I always struggled wearing denim that was long enough, and forget about wearing long enough denim and heels. All through high-school I avoided wearing denim as much as possible by wearing skirts and dress pants. (I also avoided the Express stretchy black boot cut pant worn with white tennis shoes look, whew!). Then the skinny jean solved all of my problems forever. You see, the pure jeanius of a skinny jean is that it stops right at the ankle, therefore the skinny jean is never too long or too short. The skinny jean is a tall girl's best friend, and contrary to certain schools of thought, I believe anyone can wear a skinny jean (even men in their slim cuts) and look chic, as long as they are worn correctly. Unfortunately, there are those that are not successful at wearing any denim, but for reasons I cannot solve here.
Having not tried on my skinny skinny jean in 3 years, and knowing how much I eat here in the Chi, I was a bit skeptical they would fit, but they did! Although they fit without a problem (ok a little tight in the back of the legs) I was appalled at the style and overall unflattering nature of the jean. They were a mid to light wash and very very low rise. And while they are a version of skinny, they are not skinny enough thus extending to an odd finish on my ankles...must have only worn them inside boots. Glad they still fit, but think they might be paying a visit to the Salvation Army. And really, I don't need a skinny jean to make me feel good about myself, all I need is a skinny jean.
How you may ask has a skinny jean changed my life? Up until the skinny revolution I had been in waiting-for-a-flood hell. As a tall girl, pushing nearly 6 feet, I always struggled wearing denim that was long enough, and forget about wearing long enough denim and heels. All through high-school I avoided wearing denim as much as possible by wearing skirts and dress pants. (I also avoided the Express stretchy black boot cut pant worn with white tennis shoes look, whew!). Then the skinny jean solved all of my problems forever. You see, the pure jeanius of a skinny jean is that it stops right at the ankle, therefore the skinny jean is never too long or too short. The skinny jean is a tall girl's best friend, and contrary to certain schools of thought, I believe anyone can wear a skinny jean (even men in their slim cuts) and look chic, as long as they are worn correctly. Unfortunately, there are those that are not successful at wearing any denim, but for reasons I cannot solve here.
Having not tried on my skinny skinny jean in 3 years, and knowing how much I eat here in the Chi, I was a bit skeptical they would fit, but they did! Although they fit without a problem (ok a little tight in the back of the legs) I was appalled at the style and overall unflattering nature of the jean. They were a mid to light wash and very very low rise. And while they are a version of skinny, they are not skinny enough thus extending to an odd finish on my ankles...must have only worn them inside boots. Glad they still fit, but think they might be paying a visit to the Salvation Army. And really, I don't need a skinny jean to make me feel good about myself, all I need is a skinny jean.
Meet the parents
Miserable day in the Chi...it went from 65 and sunny yesterday to snow, blustery winds, and 30s, how very miserable indeed. A perfect follow-up to a miserable night.
So one of my former FWBs was in town last night and invited me out to a bar called "houndstooth" and it was...a lot of young twenties men, the girls who love them, and basketball, oh and beer. You know you're too old when...when you are so over these kinds of places...(omg I am over the bar scene). I would much rather be at a low key wine bar or neighborhood bar than at a club or sports bar. Sigh, I am old.
So this FWB and I have not seen each other in over a year, and we have not seen each other with benefits in almost 2 years, and any further attempt in the recent MN days were all rebuffed. So then why would I agree to meet up out here in the Chi? Obviously, boredom...I would say yes to anything as evident by my German company. So considering my history with this FWB I really shouldn't have been surprised when he blatantly asked whether or not he would be spending the night. Apparently, as he explained, "why else would he have invited me?" (Did I mention this FWB is a very big asshole?) Not one to generally get or feel insulted I gently said no thanks, assured him that the reason being is that I am trying to change my karma, and I am sort of trying to see someone. All of that is true, in addition to the fact that he is an asshole, that he is a little insecure, and I do not care for his character, I mean buy me a drink, be a gentleman. So I declined the romantic assumption and excused myself...home by 9:00.
This FWB topic has been quite a running theme for awhile. It is very interesting that all of my FWBs of years past still contact me. To be clear I really only have 2 FWBs from my past: the guy from last night who I have essentially stopped seeing over 1.5 years ago, and my hot Latin FWB who I will be honest and admit that part of me is a little bit in love with. And I do like his character, his company, and his joie de vivre. (This FWB is the keeper of my German's). Sometimes I have referred to Big as an FWB but obviously he is so much more and if anything we are in a non-committed relationship, which in the past few months has been more of an X-non-committed relationship, and now likely will turn into an LA-X-non-committed relationship, oh sigh. And my new FWB relationship with CPA, I broke off last week. So there, really I am only down to 1 Latin FWB if any.
I am too old for the houndstooth and I am too old for FWBs! I want a real relationship that is based on someone actually liking me and thinking that I am worth seeing frequently. I want a relationship that leads to exchanging keys and meeting the parents.
So one of my former FWBs was in town last night and invited me out to a bar called "houndstooth" and it was...a lot of young twenties men, the girls who love them, and basketball, oh and beer. You know you're too old when...when you are so over these kinds of places...(omg I am over the bar scene). I would much rather be at a low key wine bar or neighborhood bar than at a club or sports bar. Sigh, I am old.
So this FWB and I have not seen each other in over a year, and we have not seen each other with benefits in almost 2 years, and any further attempt in the recent MN days were all rebuffed. So then why would I agree to meet up out here in the Chi? Obviously, boredom...I would say yes to anything as evident by my German company. So considering my history with this FWB I really shouldn't have been surprised when he blatantly asked whether or not he would be spending the night. Apparently, as he explained, "why else would he have invited me?" (Did I mention this FWB is a very big asshole?) Not one to generally get or feel insulted I gently said no thanks, assured him that the reason being is that I am trying to change my karma, and I am sort of trying to see someone. All of that is true, in addition to the fact that he is an asshole, that he is a little insecure, and I do not care for his character, I mean buy me a drink, be a gentleman. So I declined the romantic assumption and excused myself...home by 9:00.
This FWB topic has been quite a running theme for awhile. It is very interesting that all of my FWBs of years past still contact me. To be clear I really only have 2 FWBs from my past: the guy from last night who I have essentially stopped seeing over 1.5 years ago, and my hot Latin FWB who I will be honest and admit that part of me is a little bit in love with. And I do like his character, his company, and his joie de vivre. (This FWB is the keeper of my German's). Sometimes I have referred to Big as an FWB but obviously he is so much more and if anything we are in a non-committed relationship, which in the past few months has been more of an X-non-committed relationship, and now likely will turn into an LA-X-non-committed relationship, oh sigh. And my new FWB relationship with CPA, I broke off last week. So there, really I am only down to 1 Latin FWB if any.
I am too old for the houndstooth and I am too old for FWBs! I want a real relationship that is based on someone actually liking me and thinking that I am worth seeing frequently. I want a relationship that leads to exchanging keys and meeting the parents.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Chanello
Okay, apparently there is some hot party that everyone but me seems to have RSVPd to: that party is called 5 year plan party. What the heck is a 5 year plan? I can barely give you a 5 week plan let alone a 5 hour plan. 5 years!?? What am I some kind of psychic or fortune teller? Do I have a time machine and I've come back from the future? Um no, so why do Tony Robins, my LC, and my financial coach (yes I have one of those too now and no its not my Dad), all seem to think I need one; and why do several of my friends already have one? Pardon-ez moi, but was my invitation to a 5 year plan lost in the mail? If so, then that explains exactly why this party of one is feeling lost in life.
In management one of the favorite phrases used when coaching/disciplining people is "help me understand". For example: "Angela, help me understand why you thought it was okay that we pay you to do homework in a fitting room while working?" Uh-huh. "Help me understand" is a clever phrase to be used when an action, behavior, or concept is so completely absurd or foreign that you truly cannot understand on your own. So life, help me understand how the $#%#$^%$^& I am supposed to have a 5 year plan when I can't plan for 5 minutes, and help me understand why I am being punished for spontaneity and agreeableness?
Fact: It is true that I do not want a 5 year plan because I do not want to limit myself to anything that comes my way, and I do not want to set myself up for failure.
Fact: I do not understand how to create a 5 year plan.
But, as I said, Tony Robbins, my LC and my FC all seem to think a 5 year plan is absolutely necessary to getting what you want out of life. Annoyingly, this idea is reiterated in every self-help book I pick up such as "Think and grow rich". So here goes, I will dabble at a 5 year plan.
In 5 years I will be 32, which is one year before my scary age of 33. Scary to be defined as the reality of myself at age 27 and under.
-In 5 years I do not want to be myself at 27, I want to be a better version of myself, meaning:
1. I want to be (wow, I can't believe I am about to admit this) MARRIED.
2. I want to have my first, of two? children in my 10 year plan.
3. I want to either A) own Brashop, or B) pursue Brashop options.
4. If I do not own Brashop then I want to work in management.
5. I want to live debt free and on a budget w/ the ability to tithe, give, and save.
6. I want to live near my family (unless my husband's career dictates otherwise).
7. I want to attend church and nourish my faith regularly.
8. I want my girl-friendships to be a regular part of my life.
9. I want to live confidently and with passion!
10. I want to travel to Europe.
11. I really want a personal trainer and nutritionist (I will be 30s, I need them!)
That is what I want in my 5 year plan. Please do notice that I do not mention at all what I wish to own, the designers I wish to wear, or the cars I wish to drive. Ultimately, what I am learning is that it is the treasures we build in Heaven that matter, not the treasures we have on Earth. I want my treasures in Heaven to be bountiful with family and friends first, and if there is anyway Chanel can RSVP to that party, then yes, please yes.
In management one of the favorite phrases used when coaching/disciplining people is "help me understand". For example: "Angela, help me understand why you thought it was okay that we pay you to do homework in a fitting room while working?" Uh-huh. "Help me understand" is a clever phrase to be used when an action, behavior, or concept is so completely absurd or foreign that you truly cannot understand on your own. So life, help me understand how the $#%#$^%$^& I am supposed to have a 5 year plan when I can't plan for 5 minutes, and help me understand why I am being punished for spontaneity and agreeableness?
Fact: It is true that I do not want a 5 year plan because I do not want to limit myself to anything that comes my way, and I do not want to set myself up for failure.
Fact: I do not understand how to create a 5 year plan.
But, as I said, Tony Robbins, my LC and my FC all seem to think a 5 year plan is absolutely necessary to getting what you want out of life. Annoyingly, this idea is reiterated in every self-help book I pick up such as "Think and grow rich". So here goes, I will dabble at a 5 year plan.
In 5 years I will be 32, which is one year before my scary age of 33. Scary to be defined as the reality of myself at age 27 and under.
-In 5 years I do not want to be myself at 27, I want to be a better version of myself, meaning:
1. I want to be (wow, I can't believe I am about to admit this) MARRIED.
2. I want to have my first, of two? children in my 10 year plan.
3. I want to either A) own Brashop, or B) pursue Brashop options.
4. If I do not own Brashop then I want to work in management.
5. I want to live debt free and on a budget w/ the ability to tithe, give, and save.
6. I want to live near my family (unless my husband's career dictates otherwise).
7. I want to attend church and nourish my faith regularly.
8. I want my girl-friendships to be a regular part of my life.
9. I want to live confidently and with passion!
10. I want to travel to Europe.
11. I really want a personal trainer and nutritionist (I will be 30s, I need them!)
That is what I want in my 5 year plan. Please do notice that I do not mention at all what I wish to own, the designers I wish to wear, or the cars I wish to drive. Ultimately, what I am learning is that it is the treasures we build in Heaven that matter, not the treasures we have on Earth. I want my treasures in Heaven to be bountiful with family and friends first, and if there is anyway Chanel can RSVP to that party, then yes, please yes.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
He's just not that into you
Okay, last night did not go as planned. Again, CPA cancelled Friday night with me (I was so pissed!) but we managed to get together yesterday night...my wonderful plan of figuring out what his motives are did not work out at all. Our night was not to go as planned from the moment I got a friendly call from my very hot Latin FWB. He explained that his young German exchange student and his girlfriend were stranded in Chicago and needed a place to stay...naturally I agreed to help them out and take 2 young 19 year old Germans in off the street. I didn't bother telling CPA in advance, I figured he owed me for standing me up on Fri.
So CPA came over and the 4 of us spent an hour together chatting. CPA was extremely kind and comfortable and made them feel very comfortable. Then when the German's left for dinner CPA and I started down the path of our typical benefits, but I bravely stopped and told him I needed to ask him something. Now let me explain first of all that I am TERRIBLE with these conversations, I have spent 10 years avoiding them (I think that I was scarred at 17 when I asked a guy to prom) so I have a difficult time articulating what I want.
Okay so here is a summary of our conversation.
Me: I don't like the idea of being the girl you come over to see for... (literally, ...)
Him: Well, I really thought we were going to do your taxes tonight?
Me: No, but you know what I mean, I am just too old for that type of relationship and I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something more, that has the potential to be longer term.
Him: (Silence)
Me: I just need you to know where I am coming from, I am just not interested in the whole FWB relationship.
Him: Well, that's good.
Me: Why is that good?
Him: Well FWBs never lead anywhere.
Me: I know, that's the whole genius and point behind the FWB.
Him: (Laugh).
And that was it. That was our conversation, I told you I was bad at them. I guess from what I took away from the short conversation is that he is not interested in me. Wow, Big moving to LA and CPA not into me, what a crappy couple of days. Or it is possible that he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about or wasn't listening, and I deduce this because we managed to have benefits even after I said I did not want a FWB relationship...obviously my actions did not necessarily support my firm stance...but you know.
I feel like I just can't win. Even with the power of intention, with coming to terms of letting Big go (to LA apparently), and with braving a conversation I would have never braved in the past, I am getting nowhere. The terrible part is that I actually do like CPA despite him being a home-body, young, shorter than me, slightly naive, etc, I actually do like him. As a friend and I talked about earlier today, we hate liking people, it opens us up to getting hurt. I don't want to get hurt and even through my personal growth and life coaching, I still take rejection really hard, so hard that I am not sure if it is worth opening myself up. For those who know me, they know that although I do fear being hurt and rejected, I still open myself up to the possibility, I do take chances, I do put in the effort despite my fears, and I do get hurt. This scenario reminds me of the movie "he's just not that into you" (which is the story of my life), where this girl Gigi continues to put herself out there no matter how big of a fool she makes of herself because she believes love is out there and she is going to find it. So the question is: do I believe love is out there? I don't know, I really don't know.
So CPA came over and the 4 of us spent an hour together chatting. CPA was extremely kind and comfortable and made them feel very comfortable. Then when the German's left for dinner CPA and I started down the path of our typical benefits, but I bravely stopped and told him I needed to ask him something. Now let me explain first of all that I am TERRIBLE with these conversations, I have spent 10 years avoiding them (I think that I was scarred at 17 when I asked a guy to prom) so I have a difficult time articulating what I want.
Okay so here is a summary of our conversation.
Me: I don't like the idea of being the girl you come over to see for... (literally, ...)
Him: Well, I really thought we were going to do your taxes tonight?
Me: No, but you know what I mean, I am just too old for that type of relationship and I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something more, that has the potential to be longer term.
Him: (Silence)
Me: I just need you to know where I am coming from, I am just not interested in the whole FWB relationship.
Him: Well, that's good.
Me: Why is that good?
Him: Well FWBs never lead anywhere.
Me: I know, that's the whole genius and point behind the FWB.
Him: (Laugh).
And that was it. That was our conversation, I told you I was bad at them. I guess from what I took away from the short conversation is that he is not interested in me. Wow, Big moving to LA and CPA not into me, what a crappy couple of days. Or it is possible that he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about or wasn't listening, and I deduce this because we managed to have benefits even after I said I did not want a FWB relationship...obviously my actions did not necessarily support my firm stance...but you know.
I feel like I just can't win. Even with the power of intention, with coming to terms of letting Big go (to LA apparently), and with braving a conversation I would have never braved in the past, I am getting nowhere. The terrible part is that I actually do like CPA despite him being a home-body, young, shorter than me, slightly naive, etc, I actually do like him. As a friend and I talked about earlier today, we hate liking people, it opens us up to getting hurt. I don't want to get hurt and even through my personal growth and life coaching, I still take rejection really hard, so hard that I am not sure if it is worth opening myself up. For those who know me, they know that although I do fear being hurt and rejected, I still open myself up to the possibility, I do take chances, I do put in the effort despite my fears, and I do get hurt. This scenario reminds me of the movie "he's just not that into you" (which is the story of my life), where this girl Gigi continues to put herself out there no matter how big of a fool she makes of herself because she believes love is out there and she is going to find it. So the question is: do I believe love is out there? I don't know, I really don't know.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Hot for Elliott Stabler
I just spent 1 hour, maybe 1 hour 30 minutes (SATC always slows the process down) getting ready for CPA only to be stood up! He texts me 30 minutes before he was supposed to be here wondering if we can get together tomorrow instead. He is still at work. I am trying to be rational about this, but come on! I am pissed! I am tired of being disappointed by people, because the fact is that I NEVER cancel on people, ever. If I am supposed to start defining what I want in my relationships and even friendships, then I define that my expectations of not cancelling are valid. As my LC says, my feelings are valid. Now I feel like I am all dressed up with no where to go. Law & Order, my couch, and my bed certainly appreciate my effort, hotness, and sexy scent, but my wallet and make-up/toiletries do not. It has been one of those days.
Big is possibly moving to LA (Napa Valley anyone?). He graduated today and apparently an LA studio is flying him out for an interview by way of a referral from one of his professors. It is actually ironic and perfect timing. I have come to terms with the fact that in order to attract a great man and relationship into my life I have to really, really let Big go. Not 5 hours after sharing this with my LC and getting to a point where I am indisputably ready for this, he calls with the Big news. He delicately said that if he does get this job and does move, he hopes we will "stay in touch". Stay in touch. That's nice. When all is said and done Big and I do not have the timing to work, and the true reality is that I love Big but I don't love him enough to wait 10 years to be with him. Big loves me but his career is and will remain his priority for a very long time allowing no room for me. I know that I am ready to lie Big to bed, but it really does hurt...it is scary to imagine being alone from Big, but it needs to happen and this is the way it needs to happen.
So back to CPA cancelling. I am not mad at him, nor do I think he is a bad person, nor do I think he is intentionally blowing me off, but I do think that it is important that I recognize that people who let me down consistently are not people I want in my life. This is not to say that its over with CPA, that he has ruined his chances, but as I do consider "deal-breakers" frequently cancelling is one of them. More than anything I want to feel like I am important and special...that simple desire is the whole basis of the book "how to win friends and influence people". If you are able to make someone else feel special and like a priority then they will like you. What I would have preferred is for CPA to have expressed how disappointed he is that he can't see me, that he promises to make it up to me. A simple sorry doesn't feel like enough. Again, we need to train the world how to treat us and by pretending that this doesn't bother me would be fake and not true to what I want and what I want to expect.
Now to my comments from last blog...one questioned whether or not I even like CPA (well not at the moment!) and one questioned whether or not I have a fear of commitment. First of all, do I like CPA...I think I may have mentioned the fact that I do not think CPA and I have much in common, but, unfortunately, I do think I like him anyway. How do I know? Well, I know right away if I don't like someone...I have many of them out there...attraction both physical and emotional is instantaneous. If I didn't like CPA I would know. There are many things I do like about him...he is genuine, he has a sound moral framework, he comes from a great family, he has a career, he has a slight accent, I am physically attracted to him, he is easy going, he is likable, he is sometimes considerate, he is sensual and passionate, he is agreeable, overall he is a well-rounded stable and confident man, and I think I like him (again, maybe not at the moment).
Do I have a fear of commitment. Yes and no. I never thought I did, but I do wonder. Breaking up with Big (3 years ago) was the worst time of my life...it broke me in every way imaginable and it brought out certain self-destructive tendencies that I could have never imagined I had. It took my soul. Thankfully with time and with counseling I got through it and I came out of it a better person times 10, but the thought of being hurt like that again is almost unbearable. I was too emotionally young at the time and the reason I took our break-up so hard is because I loved him so much, more than myself, more than anything in the world...obviously that suffocated him and nearly ruined me. You must always love yourself first and most, and only then can you love someone else in the right way. I have learned a lot, but the thought of loving someone else and the possibility of suffering if it does not work out is too terrifying. Big and I have come a long way in our relationship but part of the reason I have been holding on to him for so long is because I am comfortable with the pain...nothing else can happen between us that would devastate me further. With someone new, who knows what could happen?
This is the part where I brag about growing...my explanation on commitment is not currently who I am. Currently, I am someone who is willing to give up the safety of Big and venture into a relationship that is true to who I am. I want to be honest from the beginning of what my goals and I want to live with the intention of getting exactly what I want. So, CPA what I want is someone who shows up and lives by the integrity of his word, can you be that man?
Big is possibly moving to LA (Napa Valley anyone?). He graduated today and apparently an LA studio is flying him out for an interview by way of a referral from one of his professors. It is actually ironic and perfect timing. I have come to terms with the fact that in order to attract a great man and relationship into my life I have to really, really let Big go. Not 5 hours after sharing this with my LC and getting to a point where I am indisputably ready for this, he calls with the Big news. He delicately said that if he does get this job and does move, he hopes we will "stay in touch". Stay in touch. That's nice. When all is said and done Big and I do not have the timing to work, and the true reality is that I love Big but I don't love him enough to wait 10 years to be with him. Big loves me but his career is and will remain his priority for a very long time allowing no room for me. I know that I am ready to lie Big to bed, but it really does hurt...it is scary to imagine being alone from Big, but it needs to happen and this is the way it needs to happen.
So back to CPA cancelling. I am not mad at him, nor do I think he is a bad person, nor do I think he is intentionally blowing me off, but I do think that it is important that I recognize that people who let me down consistently are not people I want in my life. This is not to say that its over with CPA, that he has ruined his chances, but as I do consider "deal-breakers" frequently cancelling is one of them. More than anything I want to feel like I am important and special...that simple desire is the whole basis of the book "how to win friends and influence people". If you are able to make someone else feel special and like a priority then they will like you. What I would have preferred is for CPA to have expressed how disappointed he is that he can't see me, that he promises to make it up to me. A simple sorry doesn't feel like enough. Again, we need to train the world how to treat us and by pretending that this doesn't bother me would be fake and not true to what I want and what I want to expect.
Now to my comments from last blog...one questioned whether or not I even like CPA (well not at the moment!) and one questioned whether or not I have a fear of commitment. First of all, do I like CPA...I think I may have mentioned the fact that I do not think CPA and I have much in common, but, unfortunately, I do think I like him anyway. How do I know? Well, I know right away if I don't like someone...I have many of them out there...attraction both physical and emotional is instantaneous. If I didn't like CPA I would know. There are many things I do like about him...he is genuine, he has a sound moral framework, he comes from a great family, he has a career, he has a slight accent, I am physically attracted to him, he is easy going, he is likable, he is sometimes considerate, he is sensual and passionate, he is agreeable, overall he is a well-rounded stable and confident man, and I think I like him (again, maybe not at the moment).
Do I have a fear of commitment. Yes and no. I never thought I did, but I do wonder. Breaking up with Big (3 years ago) was the worst time of my life...it broke me in every way imaginable and it brought out certain self-destructive tendencies that I could have never imagined I had. It took my soul. Thankfully with time and with counseling I got through it and I came out of it a better person times 10, but the thought of being hurt like that again is almost unbearable. I was too emotionally young at the time and the reason I took our break-up so hard is because I loved him so much, more than myself, more than anything in the world...obviously that suffocated him and nearly ruined me. You must always love yourself first and most, and only then can you love someone else in the right way. I have learned a lot, but the thought of loving someone else and the possibility of suffering if it does not work out is too terrifying. Big and I have come a long way in our relationship but part of the reason I have been holding on to him for so long is because I am comfortable with the pain...nothing else can happen between us that would devastate me further. With someone new, who knows what could happen?
This is the part where I brag about growing...my explanation on commitment is not currently who I am. Currently, I am someone who is willing to give up the safety of Big and venture into a relationship that is true to who I am. I want to be honest from the beginning of what my goals and I want to live with the intention of getting exactly what I want. So, CPA what I want is someone who shows up and lives by the integrity of his word, can you be that man?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
for real yo
And tomorrow brings a date or "something" with CPA. Did I mention he asked me for Friday on Tuesday? Is that progress? The question is whether or not I will have the courage to honest and tell him that I am not interested in continuing a friends with benefits relationship...sounds like a could be break-up. I have been in this situation before where a FWB broke up with me on my birthday although we were never really dating. I was kinda pissed, kinda insulted, I mean did that guy actually think we were dating or something? We were only FWB and the rules of FWB mean that you do not have to have the awkward I no longer want benefits with you conversation...you skip it and dissolve such a friendship by screening and erasing phone #s. Am I really saying this at 27 years old? No, I am saying it as a 26 year old, now as a much wiser 27 year old I am braving the possible break-up conversation in person. They say go big or go home.
The two possible outcomes are that he agrees to no longer continue a FWB relationship but he's not interested in anything more so we stop contact, or other possible outcome, he wants to date for real yo. To be honest both outcomes are pretty scary, the latter being the more scary. How do you start dating someone for real when all you are used to is FWB? The only guys I have ever been interested in have become my FWB. It is the guys I am not interested in that try to date me. I guess I am (here's that word again) afraid that if CPA wants to date me I will find out I don't like him and I will have to suffer the disappointment.
Stay tuned...
The two possible outcomes are that he agrees to no longer continue a FWB relationship but he's not interested in anything more so we stop contact, or other possible outcome, he wants to date for real yo. To be honest both outcomes are pretty scary, the latter being the more scary. How do you start dating someone for real when all you are used to is FWB? The only guys I have ever been interested in have become my FWB. It is the guys I am not interested in that try to date me. I guess I am (here's that word again) afraid that if CPA wants to date me I will find out I don't like him and I will have to suffer the disappointment.
Stay tuned...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Think and grow rich!
I have been reading this book called "Think and grow rich!" which was originally released in 1937 (thank you Wikipedia) and is considered to be one of the first motivational books ever written (slightly paraphrasing on that fact). Point is that I am reading yet another book to make me better at life. This one is quite interesting and actually falls in line with the current popular motivational thinkers of the Secret and Tony Robbins. It's principles state that to attract wealth as defined by the seeker, one must:
1. Fix in your mind the exact amount you desire
2. Determine what you intend to give in return
3. Establish a definite date which you wish to possess the money
4. Create a plan for carrying out desire, be ready to put plan in action
5. Write it out in clear and concise detail
6. Read your written statement aloud twice daily and SEE AND FEEL YOURSELF IN ALREADY IN POSSESSION
And voila, you will receive exactly what you ask for.
Obviously, this does not seem like rocket science, and yet we are reluctant to follow these steps. Breaking it down, if you know exactly what you are seeking, understand what sacrifices you must make in order to receive what you seek, create a plan to receiver what you seek, and focus on the feelings of having what you seek, then of course you shall receive it...law of attraction. I do believe that this principle does work and can work in all areas of your life...we all know those people who seem to have it all, or at least get everything that they want...well, suddenly I understand just why that is.
The reluctancy to put these principles to work often starts at step #1, define EXACTLY what you want. This is hard, again, I am so fearful of not getting what I want that I have a hard time saying what it is that I do want...I feel like I will know it when I see it, or I will get what I deserve. But look around, this does not seem to be true. What does seem to be true is that those who have a clear and unrelenting idea of what they want, get what they want. Second hardest part is being able to define what it is that you are willing to give up. The universe dictates that when you give up some part of your life, then that opens up room for something else to enter your life. You must be able to give something up; maybe it is compromising on a "deal-breaker", maybe it is letting go of the past, maybe it is getting past image and brand names (did I just say that?), maybe it is budgeting, maybe it is a lot of things, but point is, it has to be something. And the third hardest part is coming up with the plan, and compared to steps 1 and 2, this seems to be the easiest part.
These principles have been at work in my life although I have not always realized it. One example is the fact that I live in Chicago.
1. I really wanted to live in Chicago
2. I was willing to give up my comfortable life in Mpls, give up everything
3. I intended to move soon
4. I was going to work hard in order to get a promotion or be recognized as a viable candidate
5. (This one I did not do, but it was ever present in my mind)
6. I felt in every bone in my body that I was sure to live here...I originally interviewed (and was declined) for a Chi job in Aug of 08 and in April of 09 I was offered a job in Chi that was exactly made for me...I felt it in absolute terms that I belong in Chi, this is what I wanted.
As I continue my journey of self discovery I want to include these principles in attracting what I seek. I have been living a very aimless life in many ways, but I am going to start leading a life filled with intention, goals, desires, hopes and dreams. As Tony Robbins says, I am going to live a life with passion.
1. Fix in your mind the exact amount you desire
2. Determine what you intend to give in return
3. Establish a definite date which you wish to possess the money
4. Create a plan for carrying out desire, be ready to put plan in action
5. Write it out in clear and concise detail
6. Read your written statement aloud twice daily and SEE AND FEEL YOURSELF IN ALREADY IN POSSESSION
And voila, you will receive exactly what you ask for.
Obviously, this does not seem like rocket science, and yet we are reluctant to follow these steps. Breaking it down, if you know exactly what you are seeking, understand what sacrifices you must make in order to receive what you seek, create a plan to receiver what you seek, and focus on the feelings of having what you seek, then of course you shall receive it...law of attraction. I do believe that this principle does work and can work in all areas of your life...we all know those people who seem to have it all, or at least get everything that they want...well, suddenly I understand just why that is.
The reluctancy to put these principles to work often starts at step #1, define EXACTLY what you want. This is hard, again, I am so fearful of not getting what I want that I have a hard time saying what it is that I do want...I feel like I will know it when I see it, or I will get what I deserve. But look around, this does not seem to be true. What does seem to be true is that those who have a clear and unrelenting idea of what they want, get what they want. Second hardest part is being able to define what it is that you are willing to give up. The universe dictates that when you give up some part of your life, then that opens up room for something else to enter your life. You must be able to give something up; maybe it is compromising on a "deal-breaker", maybe it is letting go of the past, maybe it is getting past image and brand names (did I just say that?), maybe it is budgeting, maybe it is a lot of things, but point is, it has to be something. And the third hardest part is coming up with the plan, and compared to steps 1 and 2, this seems to be the easiest part.
These principles have been at work in my life although I have not always realized it. One example is the fact that I live in Chicago.
1. I really wanted to live in Chicago
2. I was willing to give up my comfortable life in Mpls, give up everything
3. I intended to move soon
4. I was going to work hard in order to get a promotion or be recognized as a viable candidate
5. (This one I did not do, but it was ever present in my mind)
6. I felt in every bone in my body that I was sure to live here...I originally interviewed (and was declined) for a Chi job in Aug of 08 and in April of 09 I was offered a job in Chi that was exactly made for me...I felt it in absolute terms that I belong in Chi, this is what I wanted.
As I continue my journey of self discovery I want to include these principles in attracting what I seek. I have been living a very aimless life in many ways, but I am going to start leading a life filled with intention, goals, desires, hopes and dreams. As Tony Robbins says, I am going to live a life with passion.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Can't hardly wait.
I just got back from my financial class at the church and it was great! I can't believe I am about to say this, but I can't wait to make a budget! I do believe that like in all things, you have to be ready for change. Yes, yes, yes, I have dabbled at budgeting before, I have read some books, I have tried tracking spending and doing quick anaylsis, etc, etc, but it has never worked, and I am convinced it has never worked because I have never been fully committed to the change and accountability budgeting would require. It all goes back to the fear and the doubt...the fear that I will lose and sacrifice my lifestyle, the fear that I won't be able to stick to it, the fear of actually coming face to face with my financial reality, and so on. I feel the doubt creep in when I consider whether or not I will actually be able to pay off the debt and whether or not I can stick to a plan. I have led an all encompassing life of fear. I am once again facing my fears and inviting change in my spending, I am ready.
In SATC when Carrie breaks up with Aidan and has to buy her apartment, she goes to the bank where they tell her she is "undesireable" as a candidate for a loan...she later tells Big that she is worth nothing...naturally he tells her that she is worth a million bucks. This whole transition period in my life is essentially digging me out of a financial and emotional hole where I feel myself to be worth nothing, and getting me to a place where I feel like a million bucks...a billion actually. This is really really exciting, and I can't hardly wait!
In SATC when Carrie breaks up with Aidan and has to buy her apartment, she goes to the bank where they tell her she is "undesireable" as a candidate for a loan...she later tells Big that she is worth nothing...naturally he tells her that she is worth a million bucks. This whole transition period in my life is essentially digging me out of a financial and emotional hole where I feel myself to be worth nothing, and getting me to a place where I feel like a million bucks...a billion actually. This is really really exciting, and I can't hardly wait!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I'm off the hook
Suddenly I am feeling like I am good at Chicago...save for the fact that I did get slightly lost on my way to Spanish class last night. Much to my dismay, I did find the place eventually and managed to attend my class. I was one of two people. The other attendee was a girl around my age who knew absolutely no Spanish whatsoever...strange for an "intermediate" class. Although the class is a disappointment, and I suspect my native Spanish speaking teacher is ill-qualified (she had to look up vocabulary conjunctions!), I did enjoy completing the Spanish exercises. It is amazing how much I have actually retained considering that I have not used my Spanish in nearly 7 years. Que suprisa!
Tonight I attended my first financial budgeting/debt reduction class. Tonight's class only served to reiterate things I already know but completely ignore, the importance of your FICO score, the snowball debt reduction method, the need for budgeting, and value for paying in cash money. Two more classes to go and I will hopefully come out of it with a completed debt reduction plan and a feasible monthly budget...oh boy, things are about to change...what will my entertainment be if I can't go to Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and Jewel every week? What will I do with my spare time?
Actually, in the pending two months I do not plan on having as much free time. I have two more weeks of Spanish and Budgeting, 1 week of book club, 2 weeks of travel, and in the future, I will have 5 weeks of volleyball. Yes, I broke down, bit the bullet, and joined a volleyball team, possibly two. The first one I am officially committed to plays Tuesday nights in April. The second one will possibly play Friday nights. Noticeably missing from my booked calendar is my Hub meetings. The reality is that I did not really like many of the other hub attendee girls, and I really don't feel like being around CPA. Truthfully, I feel disappointed with his lack of pursuing me past FWBs and I would much rather avoid dealing with his lack of integrity in person. We will see what the next few weeks bring, but there is a Wed night Hub at a different location that I will possibly check out.
Speaking of the FWB, I am kind of willing to accept the responsibility that I may be partially to blame. I question why every man I try to be friends with turns into an FWB, but the reality is that I let it happen. I obviously know what my intentions and goals are, however, I would never say them out loud...as you recall, I call this holding onto my cards to keep him from completely folding altogether. I guess I have felt that it is better to have a little bit of attention sporadically than none at all...in theory that may be true, but in action it leaves me feeling rejected and worthless. I am not worthless, remember? There is no reason that I should feel bad about myself over a guy who is just looking to get play. As my LC said last week, we need to train the world how to treat us. As it turns out, I have been training the world that it is okay to only call me and give me attention when you need to get some, it is okay for you to lead me on with false hope to keep me on the "hook" (did anyone happen to see How I met your mother last night?), and that it is okay to not ask me out on dates. None of that is okay with me contrary to how I may have acted in the past. In the spirit of the new, this new Chi-girl is going to do her best to train the world how they are to treat her, and that starts with the CPA...if I ever do speak to him again, I will be committed to telling him how I feel and hopefully that piece of truth will show my integrity, and his lack there of.
Tonight I attended my first financial budgeting/debt reduction class. Tonight's class only served to reiterate things I already know but completely ignore, the importance of your FICO score, the snowball debt reduction method, the need for budgeting, and value for paying in cash money. Two more classes to go and I will hopefully come out of it with a completed debt reduction plan and a feasible monthly budget...oh boy, things are about to change...what will my entertainment be if I can't go to Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and Jewel every week? What will I do with my spare time?
Actually, in the pending two months I do not plan on having as much free time. I have two more weeks of Spanish and Budgeting, 1 week of book club, 2 weeks of travel, and in the future, I will have 5 weeks of volleyball. Yes, I broke down, bit the bullet, and joined a volleyball team, possibly two. The first one I am officially committed to plays Tuesday nights in April. The second one will possibly play Friday nights. Noticeably missing from my booked calendar is my Hub meetings. The reality is that I did not really like many of the other hub attendee girls, and I really don't feel like being around CPA. Truthfully, I feel disappointed with his lack of pursuing me past FWBs and I would much rather avoid dealing with his lack of integrity in person. We will see what the next few weeks bring, but there is a Wed night Hub at a different location that I will possibly check out.
Speaking of the FWB, I am kind of willing to accept the responsibility that I may be partially to blame. I question why every man I try to be friends with turns into an FWB, but the reality is that I let it happen. I obviously know what my intentions and goals are, however, I would never say them out loud...as you recall, I call this holding onto my cards to keep him from completely folding altogether. I guess I have felt that it is better to have a little bit of attention sporadically than none at all...in theory that may be true, but in action it leaves me feeling rejected and worthless. I am not worthless, remember? There is no reason that I should feel bad about myself over a guy who is just looking to get play. As my LC said last week, we need to train the world how to treat us. As it turns out, I have been training the world that it is okay to only call me and give me attention when you need to get some, it is okay for you to lead me on with false hope to keep me on the "hook" (did anyone happen to see How I met your mother last night?), and that it is okay to not ask me out on dates. None of that is okay with me contrary to how I may have acted in the past. In the spirit of the new, this new Chi-girl is going to do her best to train the world how they are to treat her, and that starts with the CPA...if I ever do speak to him again, I will be committed to telling him how I feel and hopefully that piece of truth will show my integrity, and his lack there of.
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