After my fabulous friend cancelled on me for tonight I broke down and texted CPA. Note, CPA has not texted me since the ridiculous conversation from a week's past. I can say with certainty that as I concluded at the time, he is really not interested in me past FWB. Okay, I can live with that, or as apparent by my text tonight, I can't live without that...
Why do I go back and forth as to whether or not having a guy in my life as FWB is better than not having guy in my life at all? Really, part is circumstantial...if I had a great network of friends here in the Chi then I would not necessarily feel lonely to the point of compromising on my alleged principles. I would hope not anyway.
CPA is busy tonight but said maybe tomorrow...his maybes usually turn into him CPAing (ie working) and being unavailable. Honestly (well honestly at the moment) I do feel like I have made peace with our reality. While I would have liked for things to have gone differently, I feel that because I now know exactly what his intentions are not I can sort of accept the reality of what his intentions (lack there of) are: he isn't looking for a relationship, its not my fault, and we are attracted to each other.
Here is the thing, I have an incredible amount of very accurate intuition, meaning I can be right with-in a small fraction of possible variation about most things, specifically, I can tell if a guy is in to me or not, does he like me, will he call me after our first date, will he turn into a stalker, etc, etc??. I have never been misguided by my intuition. Ever. If I have such great intuition then why do I get hurt or surprised? Truth is that I am never surprised but I am often hurt. I think it is the optimistic side (yes the risk-taking hopeful part of me is optimistic) that ignores my intuition in hopes that it is wrong. This is usually perpetuated by wonderfully intending friends whose job it is to cheerlead, build confidence, and impress hope. Thank goodness for friends because sometimes, carrying a false sense of hope is better than the reality of the intuition.
Oddly, (and I really cannot believe that I will even admit to this) the first night I attended the hub meeting there was some fleeting part of my intuition that felt like I was in a room with a guy I might end up marrying...my intuition was not specific on the guy, just on the possibility. Weird. Then CPA and I started down some kind of path of friendship +. With each CPA encounter my intuition was very loud in the fact that he only wanted FWB, but my wonderful friends suggested otherwise. Is this a case of my initial intuition being wrongly interpreted? Probably. Was my intuition right in that I would develop some kind of relationship with someone in the room right? Yes. Again, intuition is right with-in a fraction of variability.
If I do see CPA again its fine. If I don't its fine. In general, I guess that I just need to get to a point of acceptance and then I can move forward without being hurt. There is nothing more CPA, Big, or any past FWB can do to hurt me. I can only be hurt by opening myself up to the new, the hope, and the possibility.
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