I still do like me.

Breaking up with Big was big, very big. It was probably the biggest step I have ever taken in a relationship; the step of expressing how I feel even if it hurts the other person. If you've done it before, bravo. So far things have been okay. I have the benefit of distance to help lighten the blow and minimize the "realness" of the matter, but I can expect that like with anything, I will feel things when I feel them. Rather than sadness, my initial feelings have been rifled with anxiety and impatience. Its like now that I have broken Big, I should have a new guy and a new relationship, like yesterday. Well? Now I remember why I hate being single.

A friend the other day told me that for as long as she has known me, I have never ever been fake - she actually said it as a sort of compliment. Daily I am reminded that we live in a society that breeds and encourages women to be fake - happy, agreeable, likable, Stepford. We are conditioned from birth to believe that unless we are in a relationship we are missing out on something, and with the help of "self-help" and popular TV programming, we are essentially taught how to not be ourselves in order to get the guy. All of our actions and reactions are a product of an industry. Its money honey.

Not that that's bad or anything. So what if the majority of how I behave in a relationship is the result of memorizing every SATC episode verbatim? I actually did use Carrie's "don't you say her name to me!" line from season 2 in my first break up with Big. So no I don't condemn it, but as I get older, I do question whether my actions and reactions to life are not a Pavlov product? When did I stop thinking for myself? Or probably more accurately, why did I never learn to think for myself?

As I told my friend, I am not sure that my not being able to be "fake" was entirely a good thing. I mean its not like my phone is ringing, or anything. Does my realness equate to unlikeable? In all actuality it is not my realness that makes me unlikeable, but rather my inability to be real with other people. I cannot pretend to be someone I am not, but I have a very hard time being who I am in front of other people. And that is the part of me that I need to work on.

Apologies for the random series of ah-has this post, but I guess my lessons this week were not entirely cohesive. I am glad that I am not fake with people, that for the most part I maintain an honest persona. I am glad that I now recognize that I need to think for myself and be careful to not confuse pop culture with right and wrong. I recognize that I need to continue trying to be open and show who I am to the world because even now, I still do like me.

the break-up

I did it. I actually did it. I broke up with Big, out loud, and to him. I didn't break up with him in my normal way - tell my friends and secretly see other men. This time, I told him over the phone that I didn't think we were going to work out, and that I thought it best that we break up. And so now I am broken-up, or possibly just broken.

He was hurt. He told me he thought I was making a big mistake. He told me he didn't think I knew what I wanted. He told me that love should be able to conquer all. He told me I broke his heart. I told him that I don't know if I am making a big mistake. I told him that I don't know what I want. I told him that I don't think love alone, is enough. And I told him that my heart is broken too. So here we are left, two individuals with broken hearts who no longer believe in a certain kind of love.

All in all I do think he tried to understand my reasons why. He agreed that he couldn't change who he was to be with me and I told him that I couldn't change who I was to be with him. I really really tried to be that person that could be with him, but in the end I think I failed. And he really really tried to make me happy and be the guy I deserved but in the end, it wasn't enough. We both know that we tried our absolute best to be together and that we really really love each other.

But now there is a giant hole in my heart, an emptiness and a loneliness in my soul. And so many questions and doubts - did I do the right thing? For someone who has NEVER doubted her decisions, this one doesn't feel right, it doesn't make sense to me and it doesn't seem fair. But life isn't supposed to be fair and love is often lost too early. I guess I do now believe that it is better to have loved, to have really loved and been loved, and to have lost, then to never have loved in the first place.

So how do I heal? Will I heal? All I can hope for is that there are no real "mistakes" in life and that this is just an end of one chapter in my life that will be the beginning of another. And while I am feeling alone and empty I will do my best to keep faith and allow for time and friendship to heal me. Leaving my Big relationship with love is the best I could have asked for, and for that, I am thankful.

Twenty nine is...fantastic!

It is true, twenty nine is fantastic! And I am more fantastic at 29 than I was at 28. For example, I have a better job at 29 than I did at 28. I make more money at 29 than I did at 28. I am managing my finances better at 29 than I did at 28. I am exercising more at 29 than I did at 28. I am drinking less at 29 than I did at 28. I am eating better at 29 than I did at 28. I am reading more and learning more at 29 than I did at 28. And (but) (no and) I am more single at 29 than I was at 28. And what's really interesting is that all of these changes are a chain reaction of one another. All things considered, I have made a lot fantastic progress for being only 27 days in.

In my heart of hearts I knew that a new job would be the catalyst for the change in the next phase in my life. And I was right. It was after the worst (okay 2nd worst) interview of my life that I saw the job posting for my present position. It had me at seeking. If ever there was a position that I was qualified for or a more natural fit for than it was this position. And my future employers felt the same way and after just one pleasant interview, they changed my life.

Here's the great thing about getting a new job that pays more money that only pays once a month; only being paid once a month makes it much easier to allocate (I hate the word budget) money. This in turn has allowed me to invest in a yoga membership!

By participating in yoga classes 5 days a week, I have much less time and desire for wine. Rather than keep company in pinot I keep company in Shavasana. And perhaps because spirit is intricately linked to body, I have become more aware of what I actually put into my body - I have started to cook (not my first lesson in never say never by the way). It turns out that cooking is also a cure for boredom.

I have to give myself quite a bit of credit here. I have always been con veggies - I would order veggie noodle dishes sans veggies, pick out each veggie obstruction from my mom's homemade meals, and scrutinize each and every bite for signs of onion. While I am still very anti-onion, I have made a huge effort to start eating and cooking veggies. So far, I have learned to prepare pasta with pesto, fresh mozzarella and tomato, two different tofu stir fry's with snow peas, orange and yellow peppers, zucchini, and cilantro, and my favorite, baked, marinated tofu. And my toughest critic actually paid me a compliment on my stir fry saying that it was very good, but that I probably had "beginners luck". Hey, I'll take that!

Linked to spirit and body is of course, mind. And while learning/thinking/analyzing/questioning/challenging may never come easy or natural or interesting to me, I am making an effort to try and enrich my mind. (Life outside self help books). NPR, CNN, and WIKI and I are now well acquainted. I am trying to learn not just how to read or listen to stories, but how to retain them, hence the book on memory I just finished. And understanding anything about this world means you need to know something about the past. Poe and Washington Irving at the moment and next up: Plato's "the Republic". Who knows, maybe at some point I will actually be able to have an intelligent conversation...

And I have to believe that part of learning to question and challenge has resulted in my present singledom. That big question: All things considered, how is it possible Big and I can make a relationship work and still be happy? We can't. I know Big and I cannot be together and be happy. And why this has been a hard conclusion to reach is because it won't be for lack of trying and it certainly won't be for lack of love. I meant it when I said that I was in love. I am. I am in love with Big, and he is in love with me too, but that doesn't mean that he and I can make a relationship work. As much as we love each other, neither he nor I can change who we are for a relationship. It would cost us too much. So single? Yes. Single and proud? Yes.

So here I am, 29 and fantastic!

Twenty nine is...

Twenty nine is fantastic?
Twenty nine is fantastic.
Twenty nine is fantastic!

So, which is it???!

Let's examine:

Twenty nine is fantastic? If you are skilled at inferring tone via the written word you will catch the skepticism in this statement. Like really? I am supposed to like being one year closer to thirty? I am supposed to celebrate the last days of my twenties? No, no! I mean, my twenties are on death row! Losing my teens was a blessing; probably the only nice thing that happened to me in my entire teens was watching them pass by and cease to exist. But my twenties? Not so sure I feel that same way.

Twenty nine is fantastic. It's not like my twenties have been all that great either. To be fair, years 20-24 were crazy fun, years 24-26 were a living nightmare, year 27 was lonely but serene, and year 28 was fantastic! So, out of 9 years, I can say that just half were pleasant and nice. Is the death row of my twenties therefore only half bad?

Twenty nine is fantastic! If years 27 and 28 were improving years, then I can infer that twenty nine can only follow in suit, and be even more fantastic, right? And further, if twenties were better than teens, then thirties must be better than twenties, right?

So there you have it, twenty nine is fantastic! But not as fantastic as thirty.

Groundhog day

I believe that this is what they call a breakthrough. Actually, in re-reading my posts over the last two years, it seems that I am due for a major breakthrough. Every six months seems to be the cycle. At least I am consistent in having the same breakthrough over and over again. I am nothing if not consistent and predictable.

All of this is a result of the drama of a few weeks ago. It seems that I am still trying to work through what happened. In my last post I shared with you how a friend opened my eyes to the fact that all relationships have their own troubles. That in turn got us talking about a friend of mine who has been in the ridiculous and impossible cycle of on again off again for the last 8 years. While I had compared my situation to hers over the years, I truly saw my situation as "different" and as "not as bad". I mean, my situation as a whole was completely different and less sad than hers, right? I may have been wrong. Okay, I was wrong. See? I can be wrong.

In a nut shell, my friend Carrie is in love with a man who is also deeply in love with her (we'll call him Mark). Circumstances, however, prevent them from being together, publicly. She can see him, spend time with him, talk about her feelings with him, and have intimacy with him, but what she can't have with him is the committed every day love and attention that yields downtown condos, marriage and kids. She has to make the decision of whether seeing him for a few hours a day or week, compensates for her giving up everything she ever wanted for her life. And you know what? She has bravely made the decision over and over again that that compensation is not enough, and has decided that she wants and needs more for her life, and has walked away from him. But over and over again, love has overpowered that brave resolve, and she has gone back to him. You see the big problem is that they do love each other so deeply and walking away from that type of love is actually a kind of death.

So how are our situations so much alike, if not the exact same? For starters, I am surely guilty of being "over" Big and then going back to him over and over and over again. And worse, I am finally conceding that the circumstances that keep us apart cannot be overcome. There, I said it.

And there are two very important points I need to make here:
1. Neither myself, nor Carrie, nor Big, nor Mark, are blameless in this predicament. If anything, we should be rewarded ;) for believing in love. But we are guilty of stubbornly believing in love and in believing that our love is "special". In my newly formed opinion, the only reason the four of us are in this viscous Groundhog day, is because we didn't have the balls to have walked away that first time. Had we done that, which I believe most people manage to do, we would not be in this emotional mess.

2. These circumstances could have been changed because they are after all, a product of choice, daily choice. These daily choices reflect on who we are as individuals. Meaning that to change the circumstance you would need to change the person. And people don't change, fundamentally at least.

So where does that leave Carrie and I? Stay tuned....

I know you love me anyway

Once Big and I finally had a chance to talk he says “I apologized, you apologized, what’s the big deal? Let’s move on.” Just like a boy. Here I had spent days agonizing, analyzing, questioning, soul-searching, and speculating about the outcome of he and I, and it hadn’t even been on his mind. He was happily resolved. Maybe it is I who has some growing up to do. Just because we have an epic fight does not mean we are over. Just because he says a few mean things and I say quite a lot of mean things, does not mean we are over. Is this what it means to be in a relationship?

Of course what follows in our conversation is much the same. I tell him that I am not sure he wants to move forward at the same speed that I do. He stumps me by asking me what does that even mean? He says, “well, you are my girlfriend, what else do you need to hear?” Fair enough, I am his girlfriend, what more do I need because I am sincerely not pushing to meet the parents or for him and I to move in together for real and become co-dependent. I guess I am content to be his girlfriend, unfortunately, calling someone your GF and feeling like someone’s GF are 2 very different things –I have 405 miles of proof.

So that’s that, I guess we are resolved. Or are we? I still can’t help but feel completely scared that I am making a big mistake. Am I holding on because I am too proud to let go? As a friend recently told me, I need to either get in the game and commit to him and try things out for real, or I need to break things off for real. I can’t waste any more of my time and my late 20s attractiveness on being unsure. As I told her, I don’t know. I thought I knew. I knew when I wrote my last several posts, I meant what I said about being his GF, so why after one fight am I ready to turn in the towel? And as it turns out, I have two very good answers to this:

1. I am terrified of getting that hurt again. I never ever want to feel that heart-broken again. Our first break up left me feeling like my soul was gone. I felt empty, alone, desperate, worthless and endlessly sad. I was only 23 at the time and this was my first break-up so I understand that many of those feelings were but a cruel consequence of inexperience. I know that and I know that I would be able to handle things much differently now, but there is still some fear of regressing to that low state of mind.

2. What if I can’t accept and love and support him for him? What if everything I love about him is outweighed by the things I don’t? What if I can’t believe his dreams and passions are achievable? What if I can’t appreciate his interest in befriending people from all walks of life? What if I can’t accept his colorful and aggressive past? What if I can’t accept his rough around the edges persona? What if I can’t accept a financially difficult future? What if I don’t love him enough?

I shared all of this with that same close friend and she reminded me that all relationships have their problems. And in her own clever way, she showed me that maybe I am being too hard on him. She did this by suggesting that in her own personal relationship, she is the Big and her partner is me. An abstract metaphor if you don’t know us personally. I love my friend dearly and I believe that her partner is very lucky to have her largely because she makes him a better man, and in turn, he helps make her a better woman. At the heart of things, I have always believed that I could make Big better and that in turn he can make me better. I believe that he and I balance each other; he is the ying to my yang.

So was that Monday night for naught? On the contrary; I think that it was a very important reminder that he and I need to learn how to be together, that it will not happen instantaneously. He and I have finally, after 6 years, come to the realization that we deeply love each other and want to be together. And now, we need to learn how. So while we will not have a typical life filled with houses and babies and puppies, we will have a life filled with love and adventure and kitties. Because I do love him enough to try to conquer my fears of rejection and I do love him enough to try accept him as him. And guess what? He loves me enough too.

Caveat emptor

Caveat emptor. Buyer beware. Isn't that how the saying goes? You make the decision to take on a new label, you think you do enough research, you think you comp shop enough options, you think you understand the return policy, you sign off on any disclosures, and you knowingly, yet sometimes unknowingly take on all risk associated with this new label. Why worry about the risk when the reward of the shiny new label is so appealing?

According to Wiki, closely related to caveat emptor is buyer's remorse. Outside of a few gym memberships and an updo gone wrong (which I returned), I have generally avoided buyers remorse. Okay, and yes, the pair of BCBG Hammer pants was a $40 mistake, but other than that, I have always stood by my decisions, even if my credit card company/Dad disagreed. I have on the other hand experienced feelings of regret for non-buyers remorse. Like that A&F sweater my mom didn't get for me when I was 14 and that time I didn't drink wine in Paris. I still feel it.

Unfortunately, I have experienced feeling of both buyer beware and buyer's remorse this past week, and I am not the only one.

I am sure that this was predicted and is overdue for some, but my la la label of GF may have come to an end. Didn't I tell you I wasn't cut out for that label? Didn't I? Big and I had an epic fight/disagreement the other night that left us both feeling remorse and regret. Our disagreement perpetuated by wine, bad moods, exhaustion, emotion, and PMS (it is real), was so heated and dramatic that it landed the both of us back in the dreaded 2006. It got nasty and while we both apologized, our argument shed light on some very big potential issues. No need for details here, but the jist is that he and I are so completely different that compromising and finding a middle may be impossible.

A few of our issues:
-He comes from the hood, and I come from a place of delusion where I act entitled and above everyone (I promise you I do not like that about myself).
-He loves attention and new people, and I tend to dislike both.
-He is easy-going and I am rigid and uptight.
-He likes to argue and prove a point through examination and I prefer to talk about the weather.
-He thinks its his place to intervene in a street fight and I choose to run the other way, and fast.
-He is welcoming and compassionate and I am judgmental and selfish.
-He is late-night and I am 9pm.

But, come on, I know I sound terrible but I do win on some points:
-I am responsible and professionally successful, he is a struggling artist.
-I make good decision and don't get in trouble, he is always in trouble.
-I would never intentionally hurt someone else, he would and has.
-I am not manipulative and I do not put myself or others in danger, he does.
-I am fiercely loyal, he is out for himself, always.

And where we are like?
-We both think we are always right.

Actually, this is all off the top of my head, and I am starting to get the impression that maybe I am the problem. Maybe its me?

Well, regardless, it seems that our differences, fault aside, may have left us both with feelings of buyer's remorse. But, I did enter into this being aware - I knew the risk, I knew that he and I might not make it. I knew that and I still decided to take on the risk and the label; the possibility of a future with him was worth that risk. I am not sure he feels the same.

So where are we now? Well, for starters, I am trying to differentiate between my feelings of loving him and wanting a life with him, from my need to not be rejected, again, by him. When I said it was 2006 again, for a few minutes it was. For a few minutes I would have done anything to stop him from leaving me, from walking away from us. That is absolutely frightening as we both feel like we have come so far from that version of us. He too was back in 06 seeing me as that person and it scared him.

That said, today I can say that while I struggled with that distinction initially, as I thought about things, and as the week has passed, I know now that I love him, and that I want to be with him, I want to compromise, I want to understand, I want to support, I want to accept him, for him.

And where is he? He is not sure if we can make it, if we are in fact meant to be.

Although the last few days have been excruciatingly painful and sad, I know that it is no longer 2006. I have made the decision to handle this differently, I will pick yoga over wine, eyeliner over cigarettes, smiles over tears. I will be okay.

I don't know if he and I are in fact over, but I do know that something between us died that day, and I fear that what died was that guiding belief that he and I were meant to be together. If that is gone then I guess, as much as we both don't want to admit it, we were both wrong.

Well, maybe a few more tears.

I love you Kate

Taking on the label of girlfriend is not quite as easy at is sounds – like with any great label worth owning, careful planning must happen before any action is taken. Take for example buying a car; once you have settled on the model, color, and leather interior, you must then negotiate the best price (or at least think you did), they will then pry into your credit history and wonderful FICO, and they will ask you to sign and commit away the next 60 months of your life. Similarly, the same headaches can happen when planning to acquire that new LV monogram; how much can I afford to put down in cash money, how much can I charge on my Macy’s card till I reach my credit limit, can the remaining balance fit on my Visa, and last, how can I save face in front of the sales person? Careful planning indeed must happen before taking on any new label worth possessing.

So where am I at in acquiring my new label of GF. (Side note, GF is the new girlfriend, kapish?) Well, to be completely honest, I am still in the early stages of this planning process. Overcoming my objections to that particular label was only step one. Step two, much more complicated, which ironically, is the label he and I have gone with for the last 6 years.

I am getting riddled w/ the “are you married/dating/in a relationship/have any kids/do you have a boyfriend” questions ever since starting my new job – your marital status are among the first questions to come up don’tcha know? My answer to one of those pesky questions last week came off less than clear – “I have a relationship in Minne.” She looked at me quizzically, like what does that mean? “Um, a sort boyfriend, I guess”. Later that day I decided to bring up the label thing to Big one more time. He was slightly curious and slightly annoyed that I was bringing it up a second time. I mean, the first time he said that “um, well, yeah, okay, whatever, um, if you want to consider me your boyfriend, then yes, okay, I’m your boyfriend”. I am sure this is not unusual, a guy feeling uncomfortable saying labels…it took Big forever to feel comfortable saying “I love you”, and now he does it with great frequency and with great ease (in fact he puts me to shame in this category). So the BF/GF thing will take him some time to warm to I’m sure. I think most importantly is that he does think of me that way, and is willing to concede on that label issue if it is what I want. Which it is something I want for sure, but step two in my planning is going to take some time, because as some of my readers may be wondering, there is still one big obstacle that I need to remove before he and I are able to move forward in any true sense that the BF/GF label suggests. And fear not, I will get there very soon.

Yesterday during a regular conversation on the phone, Big said, “I love you Kate (well, I always wanted to be named Kate), I love you Kate, I am so lucky to have you.” He is lucky and I am lucky.

la la labels

Girlfriend?

At 28 going on 29, I am still not sure how I feel about the label of ‘girlfriend’. I love labels, in fact, in my early 20s I became a sort of label-whore, aspiring to own as many high-end designer labels as was possible for a broke college student. Among my early and most prideful labels: Dolce & Gabbana, Prada, Marc Jacobs, Stella McCartney, Max Mara, Burberry, Donna Karan, Grey Goose, BMW, and on and on. Labels were a way to give myself a feeling of individuality and more importantly, a feeling of importance. Labels made me feel like I stood out and like I was somebody to envy and I was somebody to know. Labels did for me what love did for others –gave them a feeling of worth, a feeling of being someone special.

Over the years I came to realize that no matter how many labels I owned, I still struggled with feelings of emptiness, that no label (well, maybe Chanel or Vuitton) could fill. I started to understand that my labels had led to a false sense of importance. It wasn’t labels that I needed to make me feel important, it was me. Living in Chi Chi and being able to afford less labels, has meant that I have had to learn to identify myself in new ways, learn to feel special because of who I am and not what I own. So in the last 2 years I have traded Prada for Club Monaco, Dolce for Crew, Stella for BCBG, Grey Goose for Yellowtail, and finally, “it’s complicated” for “girlfriend”.

Yes, that’s right, I am trying on a new label called girlfriend. As I said earlier, I am not really sure how I feel about the label girlfriend, I am not sure if it will fit me. Due to my lack of experience with this label, I feel more fear of it than the sense of security it is supposed to provide. I mean with designer labels I am guaranteed a certain level of quality, I am guaranteed a perfect and tailored fit, I am guaranteed a warranty, I am guaranteed public approval and admiration, bluntly, I am guaranteed satisfaction. A label of girlfriend guarantees no such thing, if anything, the only thing it really guarantees is that you have more to lose if something breaks, especially if it can’t be fixed by the shoe repair guy.

So why give in to the label? If I have comfortably given up on my other labels, why take on this new and riskier label? I guess that the main reason is possibly that while designer labels are great, there is no life-time guarantee, they eventually show wear, go out of fashion, lose their appeal, in short, they are a depreciating asset. The label of girlfriend in contrast, can appreciate in value and it can last a lifetime. I guess at the end of the day, I am willing to risk a break for the chance of the optimal life-time satisfaction.

Big and I are officially together. Although he (and I as well) do think labels are a bit ridiculous, I needed to have something that signified that he and I were moving forward. He and I are faced with so many roadblocks and obstructions to our physically being able to be together right now, but the difference is that he and I are both committed to being together emotionally at present, and physically when time permits. I guess while I have fought having this particular label, I have decided that I also need it as a way to demonstrate and symbolize my commitment to Big and to our future. So yes, you can think of me as Big’s girlfriend, but please just don’t call me that to my face :).

Girlfriend.

In love

Love, could it actually be that I am back in l.o.v.e, love? Back in the love that I haven’t felt since I was just a schoolgirl of 24? Back in the love that produces giddiness and an insatiable lust? That love? Could it be?

Now it’s not that I haven’t loved in the past 5 years. I have. I have loved many a man…(okay, I have loved three a man), in the past 5 years. But, this particular love, the love that causes your heart to race, your mouth to smile spontaneously, your mind to fantasize, your insides to tingle and your knees to give (well, at least in the movies), is a different kind of love, it is in love. And folks, I am in love.

A few weeks ago I took a risk and said yes. I said yes even though I meant no. I have never been good at saying no, never, and I make it a daily priority to avoid hearing no at all costs. So, instead of saying no, which I meant, I said yes. And so, I landed in love. Get it?

So what was the question? Well, to paraphrase, the question was, “do you want us to give a relationship a try? Do you want us to be together?” While my head screamed NO!!!, my mouth said yes. In a nut shell, I said yes to commitment, to being a (yuck) girlfriend. Only don’t worry, I would never agree to being called a GF, not until I am married at least.

So how does an internal no lead to in love? Well, did I mention that the Casanova of that romantic question was none other than Big? It is Big who wants to consider (don’t ever put the cart before the horse) moving to Chi Chi to be with me.

Now as hard as I have been on Big, and as much as he has deserved it, he (and I as well) have come a long way since we were “in love” initially. Yes, he and I were a disaster, he was a jerk, and I was a jerk. And both of us had to do a lot of growing up to do, to have gotten to where we are today. And where are we today?

Well, today we are better friends than we ever were…we genuinely care for one another and show each other (him more than I) true compassion. And, beyond that deep friendship built of mutual appreciation, lies a very intense and passionate desire for one another. The kind of passion that prevents us from being just friends. And despite our tumultuous past, he and I have worked towards building a relationship together through daily phone calls for over a year and constant affirmations of how we feel about one another. And did I mention that this closeness and intimacy has been initiated by him?

So why would I scream no? Not nearly enough space to say.

But more importantly, why am I am suddenly back in love? Not nearly enough space to say.

But it is worth mentioning that I have loved him since our first kiss at Barfly 7 years ago, and so it is not hard to imagine that I could be back in love with someone who so logically, so casually, and so meaningfully says the following:

Him: “so have you always loved me?”
Me: “yes, I guess so.”,
Him “yeah, I have always loved you, too. I always knew you were special. I think we are meant to be together.”
Me: silent :)

And so I am, in love.

11 months,1 ghost

Hello Darlings,
I am due for a post with the most.

Life has been very nice as of late, but certainly not without many mini-dramas...

A few weeks ago my former roommie collected the rest of his things from my apartment. This resulted in 6 hours of crying and 1 hour of complete meltdown. My Dear Big was very sweet and did his best to calm me down. I told him that (he) took back everything and that I had nothing left, he assured me that I had him left. It was sweet and very true. Life is not about how much furniture you have in your apartment, it is about how much love you have and give to others. Ah, how sweet!

I survived the adjustment and still have couch and a desk, just a bit less sanity. Another reason I took it so hard was that Danny was out of town and I could not call him for comfort. When I finally was able to tell him he just laughed, was delighted that I no longer had a "college dorm apartment" and complimented my styling of the couch and desk.

He and I are almost at our 1 year mark. 11 months...I can't believe it has been that long. We still act like we just met, fighting, yelling, arguing. Sadly, in a way it is just a part of our relationship. We fight about the same things - I get upset when I feel that he is criticizing me. Sounds right, right? The fault is mostly my own as I invent criticism where there is none. He never intends to hurt my feelings but somehow I have this talent for insinuating or creating meaning and insults out of thin air - a trick he claims I learned from Sex and the City. He is not totally blameless however as he provokes me and never lets anything go...he enjoys the drama as much as I do, which is to say that neither of us enjoys it we are just too combative to stop it. One comforting thing is that no matter how badly we fight, he will always call the next day. He will never abandon me.

I wonder if part of my problem isn't that I am constantly testing this? Am I so afraid of being hurt again that I create and cause drama in order to push people away? In theory, if it's clearly my fault, if I push them away, then I won't be surprised when they leave me. This defense mechanism is a product of being hurt so bad in my Big relationship of past. It is a ghost that forever is haunting me.

Uh-hum, can I get a therapist please?

Que sera sera

Greetings all.

And so it is, the fourth week of January. This has been a long long winter. I miss the sun! I miss the shorts! I miss the patios and white wines! I miss warm. I miss happy.

Fortunately, my somber and flat mood of the past few months has been lifting. I am starting to feel a little better in work and in life. Obviously the stress of the pending major decisions I would be facing came into play. The thought of choosing, and the consequences of those choices, led to a lot of anxiety and self-initiated drama. I just couldn't go on. And so, with the helpful advice of a friend, and some fish oil, I have decided to not make any decisions. I have decided to just let life life happen and what shall be, shall be. This is not to say that I won't actively try to better myself and my position, it just means that I will wait out any relationship or geographic decision rather than make a decision that could be hurtful or wrong. As I have said in the past, I have a very keen and accurate sense of intuition, and I will know when I know.

Truthfully, what I have put off is breaking things off for real w/ Big. I have dodged and avoided any relationship question, changed the subject when it came to any future-speak, and flat out repelled any questioning of whether or not I was seeing anyone else. I have done my best to not face this elephant, but due to pressures from Big, that grace period has come to an end. He is demanding answers or commitments or promises, and silence doesn't seem to be appeasing him.

As I have said, I don't think I want to be in a relationship w/ Big. I find his financial instability too stressful and I cannot find peace with the idea of opening myself up to hardships. Does that mean I don't love him? It seems obvious to me that if I am not willing to try, to take a chance, then maybe I don't love him. But what if he is worth the risk? What if the problem is not him, but it is me? What if it is my pathetic need to "look" a certain way or to meet a certain societal class standard that has me turning my back on the love of my life? Am I too proud?

Then there is the real fear that I have. I am afraid of saying goodbye to Danny. I am afraid of losing him and in turn losing everything he has helped me gain and become over the last 8 months. He has helped me to grow, ask questions, eat healthier, open-up, inquire, gain new skills and become curious. He has made an effort to make me a more capable, interesting, informed, and better me. Can Big make me a better me?

To put it a different way, I feel Danny is like driving an electric hybrid while Big is like taking the bus. Sure, Danny is new and shiny and environmentally responsible, but, just as with a Hybrid, eventually that electricity will run out, our time together will run out and he will stop showing up. The slightly rusted, but still powerfully running bus, however, will always come, it will always be there to pick you up.

I know that it is hard for you hopeful romantics out there to understand, but Danny is not a real part of my life. Yes, I talk to him every single day, and he has met my parents and my best friends, and he is the first person I call for pretty much any reason ranging from job advice to bladder infections, but he is not someone who I can count on to be there for me. To him, I am a diversion from his complicated, isolated, intense life. I am his recess, a break, an activity that releases him briefly from his personal obligations and incessant needs. He is real to me, but I am not nor will I ever be, real for him in any larger capacity. That fact is very hard on me, but I knew it going in. And as I have said, I feel that with him, the benefits to knowing him, far outweigh the costs of being a recreation. The awful thing is that I may have fallen in love.

The reason why my friend's advice was so helpful to me is because she logically broke it down for me. She explained that I cannot make a decision about Big based on Danny. Danny cannot be a factor because he is not offering any long-term commitments. Therefore he is irrelevant in my decision making. The second issue I have w/ Big is monetary. She said that because I am not going to pay for Big, because I will set the expectation that he pays and contributes half to our future, money is also not a factor.

So I have decided that the right course of action is to take no action. I have committed to Big that if he can find a job in Chi, he can move in with me and we will try to make a relationship work. After all, after seven years, we do owe that much to each other. The catch is that he will need to move to Chi, and he will need to get a job. Now it's on him to prove he wants to be with me, and my job is to encourage and support him as he tries to make it happen. And in the meantime, it is business as usual in the Chi.

My own worst enemy

Needless to say, I did not end up interviewing for the job in Tokyo. It interfered too much with my current work schedule and lets face it, I can't be bothered with a group interview. Not to mention that it took them 500 candidate interviews to hire 30 people! Why go through the rejection?

That said I am still interested in a new role, either with-in current company, or at a new company. Either in Chi-town or in a new city. Whatever the case may be, I need to make a decision ASAP and act on it.

December and January have been really hard months on me for a plethora of reasons. Its like I have this feeling of restlessness which is equally as bad as my feeling of contentedness. I feel restless, like I am constantly waiting for things to happen, and at the same time I am feeling too comfortable in my current circumstances which is to say that I have grown comfortable with my non-life in Chi. I still only have 1 friend, and unfortunately my 1 friend is too complicated and not really a friend at all. And all the worse is that all of this, my situation my lackluster job search, my complicated relationships, and now friendships, all of it is my fault. This is not to say fault as in blame, it is to say that my restlessness which yields feelings of resentment, is my own doing.

I am being a little hard on myself as I have done a lot lately to propel changes in my life. For example:
-I am eating vegetables (carrots and cauli, as I am newly allergic to broccoli)
-I only listen to NPR in the car to get my current events
-I am reading financial books and planning on investing in the stock-market
-I continue to cut back on my alcohol and cheese intake
-I am trying to be more strategic in my job searching (doesn't seem to be working)

A couple of the areas where I need to improve ASAP:
-As it was pointed out to me by a dear friend, I am trying to live a MN life w/o being in MN. This results in me watching others' lives move forward w/o me as if I don't exist, which I really don't. So, I need to create a life here in Chi. I need to meet new friends and start living here, in the present.

-I need to make a decision on my relationships. My Big keeps pushing for he and I to be together and in a relationship. He is even opening his job search to Chi. I have not felt "in-love" w/ him since this summer and I have been unable to accept it. I have been waiting to fall back in love with him, but its not happening. He is there now, and I am not. It is too late for us and I can't seem to accept it. So unfairly and for months I have been asking him to wait and give me time. I can't bear the idea of telling him that he and I don't have a future. I can't bear it. But I can't make him wait for something that I know is not going to happen. But, what if I am wrong? What if I am supposed to be with him? What if he is my one? I mean its not like guys are knocking down my door. Danny has made it perfectly clear that I am only a diversion from his reality. Am I willing to give up Big and risk being alone? But in one way or another, I have always been "alone". Outside of FWBs my life has been in absence of relationships. Big and Danny are the only men I have ever even been in a "relationship" with and the irony is that these "relationships" were not of the traditional variety of boy meets girl. They have been dis-functional, non-traditional, non-committed, inconsistent, volatile, and you name it. So the fact is that I have never been in a proper relationship which has really damaged my self-esteem, in case you hadn't noticed. There, honesty. And what I have fought against my whole life is feeling like I am bad at life or I am not worthy because my life has not turned out how society deems acceptable. Because I have not been able to conform to the mass expectation something must be wrong with me. Actually, I do think it is society and its invisible expectation and judgment where-in lies the fundamental problems. But who cares? The reality is that we are our own toughest critics and nobody else really cares.

So the point of my rambling is that I am faced with telling Big that I am not moving back to Minne. He said to me a few weeks ago that women have this idea that there is always something better our there, over the horizon. That we can't accept what is in front of us and that we think if we change x,y or z, we will find the elusive thing that will make us happy. Isn't that why I moved to Chicago? Isn't that why I moved to NYC years ago? And isn't that why I am considering job searching back in the NYC? And isn't that why I am afraid of moving back to Minne? I am afraid that going back will mean I have failed. Going back to Minne will turn me back into a heavy drinking party girl in a relationship with a broke and struggling dreamer. I may not know what I want, but I know that I don't want that life again. But I'm no fool, as Big said, it is not my geography that is the problem, it is me.