the break-up

I did it. I actually did it. I broke up with Big, out loud, and to him. I didn't break up with him in my normal way - tell my friends and secretly see other men. This time, I told him over the phone that I didn't think we were going to work out, and that I thought it best that we break up. And so now I am broken-up, or possibly just broken.

He was hurt. He told me he thought I was making a big mistake. He told me he didn't think I knew what I wanted. He told me that love should be able to conquer all. He told me I broke his heart. I told him that I don't know if I am making a big mistake. I told him that I don't know what I want. I told him that I don't think love alone, is enough. And I told him that my heart is broken too. So here we are left, two individuals with broken hearts who no longer believe in a certain kind of love.

All in all I do think he tried to understand my reasons why. He agreed that he couldn't change who he was to be with me and I told him that I couldn't change who I was to be with him. I really really tried to be that person that could be with him, but in the end I think I failed. And he really really tried to make me happy and be the guy I deserved but in the end, it wasn't enough. We both know that we tried our absolute best to be together and that we really really love each other.

But now there is a giant hole in my heart, an emptiness and a loneliness in my soul. And so many questions and doubts - did I do the right thing? For someone who has NEVER doubted her decisions, this one doesn't feel right, it doesn't make sense to me and it doesn't seem fair. But life isn't supposed to be fair and love is often lost too early. I guess I do now believe that it is better to have loved, to have really loved and been loved, and to have lost, then to never have loved in the first place.

So how do I heal? Will I heal? All I can hope for is that there are no real "mistakes" in life and that this is just an end of one chapter in my life that will be the beginning of another. And while I am feeling alone and empty I will do my best to keep faith and allow for time and friendship to heal me. Leaving my Big relationship with love is the best I could have asked for, and for that, I am thankful.