Happy Halloween!
A new day and a new pair of sweats...Vince leggings! Actually, I went the extra mile today and curled my hair in cascading waves a la Carrie Bradshaw and applied the eye-liner to the top and bottom lashes. I looked great and felt great leaving my warm apartment to go and clean the yoga studio (hey, I am saving money for Spain while getting into shape with unlimited free sculpt classes). And now I am drumming up the motivation to get out and do something--like get coffee. Truth be told as I realized last night, I am a bit too comfortable doing nothing. I need to push myself to start doing things again even if those things are just going out for coffee, going to the library, or even window shopping. I need to get out!
The good news is that I am researching new ways to get out via the meetup.org group. A friend of mine has done a few of these group events and has had a good time. I am signed up for the Spanish language meet-up, YP networking, and 20s-30s for fun groups...now its just a matter of committing to an event and going. In my old age of 28 I realize that I am not so afraid trying and doing things on my own...(heck, even at 27 I moved to a new city alone and have lived here for 16 months alone). I now understand that doing things alone does not make me unpopular, pathetic or desperate. Conversely, exploring my interests makes me more interesting, more independent, and more appealing. I like being old!
For the first time in my life I can say that I am happy to be exactly where I am and I would not change a thing (just the 0s on my bank account). I love living in Chicago, I love the friendships in my life and I love that even at a distance, they are fruitful, sharing and meaningful, I love that my life no longer revolves around being single and how now I view being single as a huge advantage, I love my independence and ability to take care of myself, I love the freedom I have to pick and choose my next career, I love that I have a huge support system in my family and friends, I love that for the first time ever I am living up to the person I have pretended to be for so long and that people are recognizing it, I love that I recognize my blessings and that I am starting to live up to my potential.
I came to this city as a single girl seeking an answer to a question: do I believe in love? I expected the answer to be in the form of a tall dark handsome and foreign man, and while I have had a few of those, my answer manifested where I least expected. I found love in life.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
thats just me
Happy Halloweve. Apparently, it is the eve to a very special holiday and as everyone keeps reminding me, I should be doing something fabulous, while wearing little more than a leather Snooki ensemble...sorry, but that is one fat suit I don't intend to don. So what, it is Halloween weekend and my costume is an I heart Tokyo t-shirt with C&C sweatpants? Wait a minute, this is scary.
Shouldn't I be terrified that my life is scary every single day? Sweatpants and leggings have replaced skirts and dresses. Eye cream has replaced eye-liner, a ponytail holder has replaced a flat iron. I have officially become old and let myself go.
To be honest, I do mourn my old life. Any other year, I would have dressed all Gaga and had four too many cocktails while possibly making out with the only straight guy at a gay bar. I was that good with my single come-get-me stare. I had the world at my hands, albeit until the clock turned 9:00 and I woke up to a splitting head-ache and the unfortunate memory lapse causing me to question what the hell happened last night? Although it seems ridiculous, I do mourn that life. I felt excited, I felt popular, I felt special, I felt sexy, I felt alive. Unfortunately, more often than not, I also felt regretful, pathetic, sad, lonely, depressed, and let down.
I guess what I feel now is that I do mourn my old life, but I do not miss my old life. I am happy to stay in on Halloweve, watching Sex and the City 2 and drinking a bit of wine. I like this life. What I don't like is everyone else out and about enjoying their Halloweve surrounded by friends and strangers and the Situation. It only serves to remind me that while I like my life very much, I do not feel alive.
I want to like my life and feel alive at the same time. I am getting closer to having it all. And I will have it all and my having it all will not be measured in my ability to dress up as a pop culture tragedy. My version of having it all will be in bed on Halloweve, with my Big, watching an old black and white zombie film. I guess even though the idea of staying in in C&C may sound scary to the old me, to the present me, that's just me.
Shouldn't I be terrified that my life is scary every single day? Sweatpants and leggings have replaced skirts and dresses. Eye cream has replaced eye-liner, a ponytail holder has replaced a flat iron. I have officially become old and let myself go.
To be honest, I do mourn my old life. Any other year, I would have dressed all Gaga and had four too many cocktails while possibly making out with the only straight guy at a gay bar. I was that good with my single come-get-me stare. I had the world at my hands, albeit until the clock turned 9:00 and I woke up to a splitting head-ache and the unfortunate memory lapse causing me to question what the hell happened last night? Although it seems ridiculous, I do mourn that life. I felt excited, I felt popular, I felt special, I felt sexy, I felt alive. Unfortunately, more often than not, I also felt regretful, pathetic, sad, lonely, depressed, and let down.
I guess what I feel now is that I do mourn my old life, but I do not miss my old life. I am happy to stay in on Halloweve, watching Sex and the City 2 and drinking a bit of wine. I like this life. What I don't like is everyone else out and about enjoying their Halloweve surrounded by friends and strangers and the Situation. It only serves to remind me that while I like my life very much, I do not feel alive.
I want to like my life and feel alive at the same time. I am getting closer to having it all. And I will have it all and my having it all will not be measured in my ability to dress up as a pop culture tragedy. My version of having it all will be in bed on Halloweve, with my Big, watching an old black and white zombie film. I guess even though the idea of staying in in C&C may sound scary to the old me, to the present me, that's just me.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
we were meant to live for so much more
The more things change, the more things change. I have to take a minute and congratulate a very good friend of mine for closing a chapter in her life in order to make room for a new chapter. It seems that like me, she was watching her twenties pass her by as she simultaneously waited for change to happen and dreaded the minute it would happen. She and her man-friend ended a seven year relationship--although they had broken up many many times over the seven years, this to her felt different as it was an agreed, respectful, and loving end to a great love. When you love somebody more than you love yourself, you suffer, you break, you lose sight, you watch your life pass you by.
She bravely is closing the door to that masochist comfort in order to explore a new world where she is living not for another person, but for herself giving herself permission to live up to her limitless potential. She is a talented, intelligent, and strategic individual who can do anything she puts her mind to. Now that she has released herself from the invisible chains of love, she can start living.
As she and I talked about last night, coming to the realization (finally) that our lives were not solely meant to be about men and relationships and love, opens us up to the possibility that we were meant to do more. I don't know quite what that more is at the moment, but I am very excited to find out. :)
She bravely is closing the door to that masochist comfort in order to explore a new world where she is living not for another person, but for herself giving herself permission to live up to her limitless potential. She is a talented, intelligent, and strategic individual who can do anything she puts her mind to. Now that she has released herself from the invisible chains of love, she can start living.
As she and I talked about last night, coming to the realization (finally) that our lives were not solely meant to be about men and relationships and love, opens us up to the possibility that we were meant to do more. I don't know quite what that more is at the moment, but I am very excited to find out. :)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
happy tires, happy life
I am having some troubles, oil troubles. It seems that my car is leaking oil :( and as I am told, a car should not be leaking oil, something is wrong. In my opinion, one of the best reasons to make a male friend here in the Windy City is to have someone available who can do the guy duty and check the oil. The entire reason CPA and I even happened is because my oil needed to be checked! What can I say other than I am very traditional in my sense of car roles...men are meant to get under the hood and get their hands dirty, and women are meant to stand to the side handing them the right tools (um what's a widget?). And I find that while I am a very advanced and independent girl, I like my girly ways, meaning, I like to be taken care of.
I guess this is why so many girls end up marrying men like their fathers. They crave the security, the stability, and the protective nature their dads have provided them all their lives. And I can't blame them. The older I get the more and more I notice and seek men who remind me of my dad.
Danny sure does. Danny is certainly insane and nothing like my father in many ways, but in the ways it matters, he is entirely like my father. The number one way Danny reminds me of my Dad is in his concern for my safety. My Dad has coached me since I was born to be safe and smart: to have street smarts, to have a winter tool-kit in my car, to always drive with a half a tank or more of gas, to not talk on the phone while driving, to always be aware of my surroundings, to always lock my doors, to frequently change my online passwords, to use a landline when giving out personal info, etc, etc. Danny is the same way albeit more extreme. He insists I call him when I get home from my evening yoga classes or book meetings. He waits in his car in the street until he sees the light come on in my apartment, he forces me to get out of bed and lock the third (is that really necessary) lock behind him, he scolds me every time I use a credit card instead of cash, he makes sure I unplug my internet connection when not using, he scares me into getting in for regular health check-ups, and on and on. Just like my dad, Danny is concerned for my general safety and well-being in a very serious way. There is comfort in knowing that if anything ever happens to me, Danny will be the first to know and with-in hours, and he would be the one to find me. Its just too bad no one knows Danny. There are other ways that Danny reminds me of my dad, but generally its because of their shared concern for my welfare and financial state.
A cute story my dad told me while he was helping me wax my car, is how when he and my mom first started dating, my dad used a special chrome polish on her tires to get the goo off. Not sure if he was trying to impress her, or if he was just a bit OCD. I guess my mom was a smart lady and must have assumed that a man who would polish and take care of your tires would be a man who would polish and take care of you in life. When I had my oil leak (must be the year) I obviously called Danny. Although he is entirely detained this week on a tax deadline, he offered to come over to look under my car and fill my oil. And he did just that. He came over (from way out of his way) and checked my oil, filled it up, and looked for the problem area. He then told me he would call his mechanic and decide what to do next. He kissed me goodnight and that was that, back to taxes. My dad polishing my mom's tires, is Danny filling my oil...it tells me that this is someone I can count on, this is someone I want around to polish my life.
I guess this is why so many girls end up marrying men like their fathers. They crave the security, the stability, and the protective nature their dads have provided them all their lives. And I can't blame them. The older I get the more and more I notice and seek men who remind me of my dad.
Danny sure does. Danny is certainly insane and nothing like my father in many ways, but in the ways it matters, he is entirely like my father. The number one way Danny reminds me of my Dad is in his concern for my safety. My Dad has coached me since I was born to be safe and smart: to have street smarts, to have a winter tool-kit in my car, to always drive with a half a tank or more of gas, to not talk on the phone while driving, to always be aware of my surroundings, to always lock my doors, to frequently change my online passwords, to use a landline when giving out personal info, etc, etc. Danny is the same way albeit more extreme. He insists I call him when I get home from my evening yoga classes or book meetings. He waits in his car in the street until he sees the light come on in my apartment, he forces me to get out of bed and lock the third (is that really necessary) lock behind him, he scolds me every time I use a credit card instead of cash, he makes sure I unplug my internet connection when not using, he scares me into getting in for regular health check-ups, and on and on. Just like my dad, Danny is concerned for my general safety and well-being in a very serious way. There is comfort in knowing that if anything ever happens to me, Danny will be the first to know and with-in hours, and he would be the one to find me. Its just too bad no one knows Danny. There are other ways that Danny reminds me of my dad, but generally its because of their shared concern for my welfare and financial state.
A cute story my dad told me while he was helping me wax my car, is how when he and my mom first started dating, my dad used a special chrome polish on her tires to get the goo off. Not sure if he was trying to impress her, or if he was just a bit OCD. I guess my mom was a smart lady and must have assumed that a man who would polish and take care of your tires would be a man who would polish and take care of you in life. When I had my oil leak (must be the year) I obviously called Danny. Although he is entirely detained this week on a tax deadline, he offered to come over to look under my car and fill my oil. And he did just that. He came over (from way out of his way) and checked my oil, filled it up, and looked for the problem area. He then told me he would call his mechanic and decide what to do next. He kissed me goodnight and that was that, back to taxes. My dad polishing my mom's tires, is Danny filling my oil...it tells me that this is someone I can count on, this is someone I want around to polish my life.
Monday, October 11, 2010
How do you like them apples?
I had a near perfect day yesterday. Maybe I would go so far as to consider it a perfect day, a perfect day for a regular day anyway.
This was a first in the tale of Danny and I. We spent the day together. It was almost as though we were real. Of course as with all of my relationships, this feeling is fleeting as nothing lasts, the day comes to an end and I turn back into a pumpkin...is that how the story goes?
Danny spent the night, on purpose. His version of spending the night is coming over at 6:00am and spending my morning/his night. I didn't really even mind this...I was able to get my sleep in (I am a very picky sleeper) but then wake-up next to him and feel happy. We got up around 12:00 and headed out on a day journey to this very specific apple farm three hours away in Michigan. He insisted on this favorite apple farm as it is Martha Stewart recommended and they carry the most varieties of apples and trees. Apparently, there is more to apples than just Honeycrisp and Red Delicious. A lot more. For example, there are varieties of apples that still exist that Mr. George Washington and Mr. Johnny Appleseed would have eaten...cool right?
This is the thing about Danny. He knows something about everything and if he doesn't know something about something, he at least knows he doesn't know it...get it? Meaning a silly apple outing is more than just picking apples for fun, it is serious business...he knows the different varieties of apples, how long they will keep, which to use with cooking, which to make cider with, which to eat when, etc. And then it gets complicated: the trees. Which tree produces which apples, how tall it will be, how vast, how many apples, how to prune, when to prune, how to graft (which is apparently sodding a different variety of apple onto a host tree or something). Seriously, huh? There is a lot to know about apples. When he told me I needed to bring at least $100 with for the apples, I thought he was kidding. But oh no, he spent at least $150 on apples and a new tree. I spent $10 on the important stuff--cider and jelly. Yummy, we are going to drink spiced run and apple cider this weekend :). So our apple outing was more than an apple outing, it was an education.
And the education didn't stop there, rather it started in the car ride to the Wolverine State. When I say that he knows about everything, he really does, and it is in great detail. Our sweet pleasant fall drive was filled with 6 hours (round trip) of him talking, non-stop. This man can talk. The theme for the car ride was a music education. From the history of punk to the earliest music ever recorded (fiddling) I heard it all. Names, dates, styles, venues, history, smack, tragedies, politics, war, racism, roots, genius. Amazing what there is to know and amazing to know someone who wants to know and finds out.
I find Danny to be completely astounding. He is truly unique and his desire for knowledge (because knowledge is cool and more so because knowledge is power) is insatiable. He wants to know as much as he can about as much as he can and what is left is a man who is as informed about apples as he is about resume writing and job hunting, as he is about the war in Mexico, as he is about the state of the Republic of the Congo, as he is about making a living with a few clicks of the mouse. He is astounding.
But then he is also still him: sex obsessed, totally unattainable, temperamental, paranoid, forgetful, always late, frequently canceling, voyeuristic, and certainly dark. But I guess what I have found is that with him it is worth it. In order to ever clearly see and appreciate the light you have to find your way through the dark. As I have said before, his darkness is bringing me into the light and that my friends feels nice.
This was a first in the tale of Danny and I. We spent the day together. It was almost as though we were real. Of course as with all of my relationships, this feeling is fleeting as nothing lasts, the day comes to an end and I turn back into a pumpkin...is that how the story goes?
Danny spent the night, on purpose. His version of spending the night is coming over at 6:00am and spending my morning/his night. I didn't really even mind this...I was able to get my sleep in (I am a very picky sleeper) but then wake-up next to him and feel happy. We got up around 12:00 and headed out on a day journey to this very specific apple farm three hours away in Michigan. He insisted on this favorite apple farm as it is Martha Stewart recommended and they carry the most varieties of apples and trees. Apparently, there is more to apples than just Honeycrisp and Red Delicious. A lot more. For example, there are varieties of apples that still exist that Mr. George Washington and Mr. Johnny Appleseed would have eaten...cool right?
This is the thing about Danny. He knows something about everything and if he doesn't know something about something, he at least knows he doesn't know it...get it? Meaning a silly apple outing is more than just picking apples for fun, it is serious business...he knows the different varieties of apples, how long they will keep, which to use with cooking, which to make cider with, which to eat when, etc. And then it gets complicated: the trees. Which tree produces which apples, how tall it will be, how vast, how many apples, how to prune, when to prune, how to graft (which is apparently sodding a different variety of apple onto a host tree or something). Seriously, huh? There is a lot to know about apples. When he told me I needed to bring at least $100 with for the apples, I thought he was kidding. But oh no, he spent at least $150 on apples and a new tree. I spent $10 on the important stuff--cider and jelly. Yummy, we are going to drink spiced run and apple cider this weekend :). So our apple outing was more than an apple outing, it was an education.
And the education didn't stop there, rather it started in the car ride to the Wolverine State. When I say that he knows about everything, he really does, and it is in great detail. Our sweet pleasant fall drive was filled with 6 hours (round trip) of him talking, non-stop. This man can talk. The theme for the car ride was a music education. From the history of punk to the earliest music ever recorded (fiddling) I heard it all. Names, dates, styles, venues, history, smack, tragedies, politics, war, racism, roots, genius. Amazing what there is to know and amazing to know someone who wants to know and finds out.
I find Danny to be completely astounding. He is truly unique and his desire for knowledge (because knowledge is cool and more so because knowledge is power) is insatiable. He wants to know as much as he can about as much as he can and what is left is a man who is as informed about apples as he is about resume writing and job hunting, as he is about the war in Mexico, as he is about the state of the Republic of the Congo, as he is about making a living with a few clicks of the mouse. He is astounding.
But then he is also still him: sex obsessed, totally unattainable, temperamental, paranoid, forgetful, always late, frequently canceling, voyeuristic, and certainly dark. But I guess what I have found is that with him it is worth it. In order to ever clearly see and appreciate the light you have to find your way through the dark. As I have said before, his darkness is bringing me into the light and that my friends feels nice.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Twenty eight is fantastic.
Twenty eight is fantastic. This is surprising to me as I assumed turning 28 (do you know that makes me more than 10,220 days old!?) would be horrible, awful, painful, depressing, meaningless, and inconsequential. However, I could not have been more wrong. 21 days into age 28 and I feel really good and I feel really different.
For me, the 3 biggest changes I have experienced since becoming 28 are:
-cleavage and overall breast enlargement, seriously its sick
-lack of concern with appearance
-the blinders come off and a sense of reality comes in
1. Cleavage. At first I thought it was just the bra, but then other people started to notice my enhancement. Its not that I gained a cup size or anything, it is more so that my breasts have gotten fuller and more apparent. I have cleavage for the first time in my life and its fantastic! My breasts are fantastic (ok that was a SATC Samantha quote). FYI this also happened to a very good friend of mine who suddenly as a 32B sometimes C was suddenly unintentionally leading with her breasts. As my friend San would say, "put those away"!
2. Lack of concern with appearance. This may have actually set in during the summer when I suddenly just stopped styling my hair before work. I went from curling every section meticulously, to a quick blow out, add a change in part, and off I go. I haven't worn eye-liner in I can't tell you how long, and I often wear the same outfits twice in one week. I have let myself go.
Let me give you an example of how low I have gone...last week I was in town visiting family, friends, and Big. Big invited me to spend the week with him and I did...more on this in a minute. Now, I have always made sure I looked exactly perfect when around him, and if I ever spent the night I would be sure it was in something slightly sexy. After not seeing him in over 3 months, you would think I would put on little more than my birthday suit to greet him. Instead, I wore sweatpants and my Mom's MN sweatshirt. And, things didn't improve over the week where each night I would get ready for bed as if I would be sleeping outdoors at the top of Everest. Now, that he loves me anyway is surely something. My dear friend also said that this is just a stage and that at the age of 30 you suddenly snap out of it. Please God, let this stage be over, I miss feeling pretty.
3. The blinders come off, reality sets in. This is somewhat self-explanatory as I have already explained how this has happened with my job: if I want a certain lifestyle I need to make it happen, I can't wait for it to happen to me.
Also, this has happened with Big. It was a Monday night when I first knew for sure that I could not possibly get back together with Big. He has been asking for a few months now for us to get back together and for me to be his girlfriend, and I have hesitated. That Monday night, sitting next to him in his place he shares with another guy, I knew. I can't get back together with Big, he and I are in two totally different places. His lifestyle resembles that of a frat guy or worse, that of a loser. His financial state is always in ruins and he has not quite figured out what it takes to get a grown up job. I have always known this about him, but my blinders have allowed me to look past these shortcomings. Well, I can't do that anymore, I am 28. So I told him as much. He was disappointed but he has taken it remarkably well. The thing is that he knew and expected this. He needs to be a better and more successful man in order to be with me, and he truly wants to be that man. If he figures it out, then great, he has a shot with me. If not, then I need to find someone else. Either way, I am not waiting to find out. I am choosing to live my life and go after what I want without regard for how it will affect other people. Meaning, I am sorry if it will hurt his feelings if I find someone new, but I need to live my life for me, not for him.
Next up, 30 years old and conversations revolving only around slow metabolism and anti-wrinkle cream. I better enjoy the next 709 days!
For me, the 3 biggest changes I have experienced since becoming 28 are:
-cleavage and overall breast enlargement, seriously its sick
-lack of concern with appearance
-the blinders come off and a sense of reality comes in
1. Cleavage. At first I thought it was just the bra, but then other people started to notice my enhancement. Its not that I gained a cup size or anything, it is more so that my breasts have gotten fuller and more apparent. I have cleavage for the first time in my life and its fantastic! My breasts are fantastic (ok that was a SATC Samantha quote). FYI this also happened to a very good friend of mine who suddenly as a 32B sometimes C was suddenly unintentionally leading with her breasts. As my friend San would say, "put those away"!
2. Lack of concern with appearance. This may have actually set in during the summer when I suddenly just stopped styling my hair before work. I went from curling every section meticulously, to a quick blow out, add a change in part, and off I go. I haven't worn eye-liner in I can't tell you how long, and I often wear the same outfits twice in one week. I have let myself go.
Let me give you an example of how low I have gone...last week I was in town visiting family, friends, and Big. Big invited me to spend the week with him and I did...more on this in a minute. Now, I have always made sure I looked exactly perfect when around him, and if I ever spent the night I would be sure it was in something slightly sexy. After not seeing him in over 3 months, you would think I would put on little more than my birthday suit to greet him. Instead, I wore sweatpants and my Mom's MN sweatshirt. And, things didn't improve over the week where each night I would get ready for bed as if I would be sleeping outdoors at the top of Everest. Now, that he loves me anyway is surely something. My dear friend also said that this is just a stage and that at the age of 30 you suddenly snap out of it. Please God, let this stage be over, I miss feeling pretty.
3. The blinders come off, reality sets in. This is somewhat self-explanatory as I have already explained how this has happened with my job: if I want a certain lifestyle I need to make it happen, I can't wait for it to happen to me.
Also, this has happened with Big. It was a Monday night when I first knew for sure that I could not possibly get back together with Big. He has been asking for a few months now for us to get back together and for me to be his girlfriend, and I have hesitated. That Monday night, sitting next to him in his place he shares with another guy, I knew. I can't get back together with Big, he and I are in two totally different places. His lifestyle resembles that of a frat guy or worse, that of a loser. His financial state is always in ruins and he has not quite figured out what it takes to get a grown up job. I have always known this about him, but my blinders have allowed me to look past these shortcomings. Well, I can't do that anymore, I am 28. So I told him as much. He was disappointed but he has taken it remarkably well. The thing is that he knew and expected this. He needs to be a better and more successful man in order to be with me, and he truly wants to be that man. If he figures it out, then great, he has a shot with me. If not, then I need to find someone else. Either way, I am not waiting to find out. I am choosing to live my life and go after what I want without regard for how it will affect other people. Meaning, I am sorry if it will hurt his feelings if I find someone new, but I need to live my life for me, not for him.
Next up, 30 years old and conversations revolving only around slow metabolism and anti-wrinkle cream. I better enjoy the next 709 days!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A changed woman, now what?
A changed woman? How you may ask? Well to be honest, I am a changed woman because I have accepted the fact that I need to change who I am in order to change who I am. Now, if you're like me, this may sound appalling (as appalling as the suggestion of settling for a paper man)--I mean, aren't we taught to celebrate who we are, as we are? We are taught that we are free to be you and me and to embrace our own and others' differentiating characteristics. Ironic because it is our differentiating characteristics that society and our peers judge so critically. Well I could certainly go on (as could we all) about these invisible pressures but I don't want to lose my point. My point: it is I who needs to change, I need to change who I am without compromising who I am in order to change who I am. Are you with me?
Once again I will reiterate that I do like myself. I really like me. I have many great qualities like loyalty, dependability, reliability, acceptance. And while I have always been willing to admit my shortcomings/less than stellar qualities, I have accepted them as acceptably permanent. Meaning that I have used my character flaws to rationalize not doing things, and worse, to displace blame onto circumstance rather than laziness. I don't really like to use the word laziness as I don't think it fully applies. In many ways I am lazy, but this lack of change is two-fold, lack of awareness that I need to change, and lack of confidence that I can change. Are you still with me?
Let's use my career as an example. I have worked for the same company for 9 years and have enjoyed great job satisfaction and several promotions. My post-college job opportunity happened by coincidence actually--a friend of a friend knew of an opportunity-- and I easily landed the job. From there my career unfolded as I was naturally very good at what I did. I was a happy girl for many years until I found myself turned 28 and feeling stuck in my job and industry and depressing pay grade. I found myself no longer just happy to be where I was, I found myself wanting more. This is a very uncomfortable place to be in for a girl who has lived a lifetime in complacency. Worse, this realization is terrifying as I have come to the conclusion that I need to create change with-in myself in order to be able to attract and attain the new career path that I desire.
Initially when I decided I wanted a new job, I called a very successful friend of mine and I asked for help. I said to her "I don't know how to to this! What if I can't do this? What if I don't have the skills? How do you write a resume? Do I really need a cover letter? This is way too hard." Now I didn't realize that I was being a bit lazy and somewhat pathetic by suggesting I were incapable to figure this out on my own. I think I just felt the process to be too overwhelming that I didn't know if I had what it takes to go through the gauntlet from beginning to end. But, as I started to just do (researching, job searching, resume writing, etc, etc) I finally accepted three things:
1. this job search thing is so much more complicated then I originally thought.
2. I need to learn how to do this, I need to learn how to do it well, and I need to be strategic and forward thinking about where I want to be long-term. Meaning, I cannot just let my wonderful friend help get me a new job, I need to help myself get me a new career.
3. To really commit myself to this arduous journey, I need to change who I am. I need to go from being complacent to ambitious, from cramming before an exam to completing hours and hours of research, from avoiding competition to proving I am the best, to not negotiating and accepting status quo to negotiating everything.
The good news is that by accepting these as truth, the outcome will be that I am changing myself in extremely positive ways, and eventually I will be able to get exactly what I want by deserving it, not by feeling entitled to it. I will become that truly awesome and better version of myself that I have been aspiring to!
I know that this will be extremely hard and challenging for me and I am certainly not looking forward to this journey, but I am also strangely excited. In a way I feel empowered by life and awake to its possibilities. That's a nice place to be.
Once again I will reiterate that I do like myself. I really like me. I have many great qualities like loyalty, dependability, reliability, acceptance. And while I have always been willing to admit my shortcomings/less than stellar qualities, I have accepted them as acceptably permanent. Meaning that I have used my character flaws to rationalize not doing things, and worse, to displace blame onto circumstance rather than laziness. I don't really like to use the word laziness as I don't think it fully applies. In many ways I am lazy, but this lack of change is two-fold, lack of awareness that I need to change, and lack of confidence that I can change. Are you still with me?
Let's use my career as an example. I have worked for the same company for 9 years and have enjoyed great job satisfaction and several promotions. My post-college job opportunity happened by coincidence actually--a friend of a friend knew of an opportunity-- and I easily landed the job. From there my career unfolded as I was naturally very good at what I did. I was a happy girl for many years until I found myself turned 28 and feeling stuck in my job and industry and depressing pay grade. I found myself no longer just happy to be where I was, I found myself wanting more. This is a very uncomfortable place to be in for a girl who has lived a lifetime in complacency. Worse, this realization is terrifying as I have come to the conclusion that I need to create change with-in myself in order to be able to attract and attain the new career path that I desire.
Initially when I decided I wanted a new job, I called a very successful friend of mine and I asked for help. I said to her "I don't know how to to this! What if I can't do this? What if I don't have the skills? How do you write a resume? Do I really need a cover letter? This is way too hard." Now I didn't realize that I was being a bit lazy and somewhat pathetic by suggesting I were incapable to figure this out on my own. I think I just felt the process to be too overwhelming that I didn't know if I had what it takes to go through the gauntlet from beginning to end. But, as I started to just do (researching, job searching, resume writing, etc, etc) I finally accepted three things:
1. this job search thing is so much more complicated then I originally thought.
2. I need to learn how to do this, I need to learn how to do it well, and I need to be strategic and forward thinking about where I want to be long-term. Meaning, I cannot just let my wonderful friend help get me a new job, I need to help myself get me a new career.
3. To really commit myself to this arduous journey, I need to change who I am. I need to go from being complacent to ambitious, from cramming before an exam to completing hours and hours of research, from avoiding competition to proving I am the best, to not negotiating and accepting status quo to negotiating everything.
The good news is that by accepting these as truth, the outcome will be that I am changing myself in extremely positive ways, and eventually I will be able to get exactly what I want by deserving it, not by feeling entitled to it. I will become that truly awesome and better version of myself that I have been aspiring to!
I know that this will be extremely hard and challenging for me and I am certainly not looking forward to this journey, but I am also strangely excited. In a way I feel empowered by life and awake to its possibilities. That's a nice place to be.
Monday, October 4, 2010
a changed woman
Hello Readers!
Welcome back to myself! Sorry for my hiatus--it seemed that my will to write had suffered from this thing called "happiness" --my days of writing poetry inspired by feelings of a poor tortured single girl are over. Happy girls can be clever and witty right? I promise not to go too happy or "Pollyanna" on you readers, I am happy but I still have my pride.
Well, there is no point in trying to catch you up on two months of stuff that would fit nicely into Pandora's Box, instead I will just summarize by saying the more things change, the more things change. Let me write that again (pay attention to the drama): the more things change, the more things change.
I have always been a believer in the more commonly used phrase: the more things change the more they stay the same. I had 27 years of living proof that while things "changed" nothing changed. Although my life ventured 400 miles east, nothing was really different. I still was semi-in-love with the same guy, I had the same thinkless job, I had the same social friends, I watched the same episodes of Law & Order, I felt the same feelings of self-doubt and resentment, I ate the same cheese and drank the same Purple Moon, I had the same bad habits, I had the same spending habits, and I had the same desire to just sit and watch/wait for my life to happen. I had 27 years of experience allowing myself to indulge in selfish and lazy attitudes and beliefs such as: I don't know how to write a resume so I can't get a new job, I don't know how to attract that perfect man so I will settle for any man, I don't know how to ask for what I want so I will accept what I get, I don't know how to manage my money so I will just keep spending, I don't know how to make small talk so I will avoid people, and the list goes on. I was under the the comfortable spell of I don't know how, therefore I can't. Translation: I would rather not try, I would rather do nothing.
Now part of me still feels that way, I would rather not try, I would rather do nothing, but here's what: I am no longer a girl who only has 27 years of not doing, I am a 28 year old woman who is doing.
I would certainly love to credit all of this change to myself, and I do owe some to the magic age of 28 (I certainly owe my newly sprouted cleavage to 28) but truly I attribute a lot of these changes to Danny. Yes, Danny and I are still in our loverationship--he likes to point out how he is practically my longest relationship ever. Sure, after my next longest relationship (as a masochist) with Big, I suppose he is.
I feel that any description I were to offer of Danny now would be somehow be misleading, shocking, confusing, and it would be completely off-base. Although I have offered some explanation of him in the past, now knowing him better I feel that I can not even begin to describe him in a way that would do him any kind of justice. Just know this, in just a few months he has had more of a dramatic impact on my life in a positive way than any one single person I have ever known. He has changed me.
Stay tuned ;)
Welcome back to myself! Sorry for my hiatus--it seemed that my will to write had suffered from this thing called "happiness" --my days of writing poetry inspired by feelings of a poor tortured single girl are over. Happy girls can be clever and witty right? I promise not to go too happy or "Pollyanna" on you readers, I am happy but I still have my pride.
Well, there is no point in trying to catch you up on two months of stuff that would fit nicely into Pandora's Box, instead I will just summarize by saying the more things change, the more things change. Let me write that again (pay attention to the drama): the more things change, the more things change.
I have always been a believer in the more commonly used phrase: the more things change the more they stay the same. I had 27 years of living proof that while things "changed" nothing changed. Although my life ventured 400 miles east, nothing was really different. I still was semi-in-love with the same guy, I had the same thinkless job, I had the same social friends, I watched the same episodes of Law & Order, I felt the same feelings of self-doubt and resentment, I ate the same cheese and drank the same Purple Moon, I had the same bad habits, I had the same spending habits, and I had the same desire to just sit and watch/wait for my life to happen. I had 27 years of experience allowing myself to indulge in selfish and lazy attitudes and beliefs such as: I don't know how to write a resume so I can't get a new job, I don't know how to attract that perfect man so I will settle for any man, I don't know how to ask for what I want so I will accept what I get, I don't know how to manage my money so I will just keep spending, I don't know how to make small talk so I will avoid people, and the list goes on. I was under the the comfortable spell of I don't know how, therefore I can't. Translation: I would rather not try, I would rather do nothing.
Now part of me still feels that way, I would rather not try, I would rather do nothing, but here's what: I am no longer a girl who only has 27 years of not doing, I am a 28 year old woman who is doing.
I would certainly love to credit all of this change to myself, and I do owe some to the magic age of 28 (I certainly owe my newly sprouted cleavage to 28) but truly I attribute a lot of these changes to Danny. Yes, Danny and I are still in our loverationship--he likes to point out how he is practically my longest relationship ever. Sure, after my next longest relationship (as a masochist) with Big, I suppose he is.
I feel that any description I were to offer of Danny now would be somehow be misleading, shocking, confusing, and it would be completely off-base. Although I have offered some explanation of him in the past, now knowing him better I feel that I can not even begin to describe him in a way that would do him any kind of justice. Just know this, in just a few months he has had more of a dramatic impact on my life in a positive way than any one single person I have ever known. He has changed me.
Stay tuned ;)
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