thats just me

Happy Halloweve. Apparently, it is the eve to a very special holiday and as everyone keeps reminding me, I should be doing something fabulous, while wearing little more than a leather Snooki ensemble...sorry, but that is one fat suit I don't intend to don. So what, it is Halloween weekend and my costume is an I heart Tokyo t-shirt with C&C sweatpants? Wait a minute, this is scary.

Shouldn't I be terrified that my life is scary every single day? Sweatpants and leggings have replaced skirts and dresses. Eye cream has replaced eye-liner, a ponytail holder has replaced a flat iron. I have officially become old and let myself go.

To be honest, I do mourn my old life. Any other year, I would have dressed all Gaga and had four too many cocktails while possibly making out with the only straight guy at a gay bar. I was that good with my single come-get-me stare. I had the world at my hands, albeit until the clock turned 9:00 and I woke up to a splitting head-ache and the unfortunate memory lapse causing me to question what the hell happened last night? Although it seems ridiculous, I do mourn that life. I felt excited, I felt popular, I felt special, I felt sexy, I felt alive. Unfortunately, more often than not, I also felt regretful, pathetic, sad, lonely, depressed, and let down.

I guess what I feel now is that I do mourn my old life, but I do not miss my old life. I am happy to stay in on Halloweve, watching Sex and the City 2 and drinking a bit of wine. I like this life. What I don't like is everyone else out and about enjoying their Halloweve surrounded by friends and strangers and the Situation. It only serves to remind me that while I like my life very much, I do not feel alive.

I want to like my life and feel alive at the same time. I am getting closer to having it all. And I will have it all and my having it all will not be measured in my ability to dress up as a pop culture tragedy. My version of having it all will be in bed on Halloweve, with my Big, watching an old black and white zombie film. I guess even though the idea of staying in in C&C may sound scary to the old me, to the present me, that's just me.