Girlfriend?
At 28 going on 29, I am still not sure how I feel about the label of ‘girlfriend’. I love labels, in fact, in my early 20s I became a sort of label-whore, aspiring to own as many high-end designer labels as was possible for a broke college student. Among my early and most prideful labels: Dolce & Gabbana, Prada, Marc Jacobs, Stella McCartney, Max Mara, Burberry, Donna Karan, Grey Goose, BMW, and on and on. Labels were a way to give myself a feeling of individuality and more importantly, a feeling of importance. Labels made me feel like I stood out and like I was somebody to envy and I was somebody to know. Labels did for me what love did for others –gave them a feeling of worth, a feeling of being someone special.
Over the years I came to realize that no matter how many labels I owned, I still struggled with feelings of emptiness, that no label (well, maybe Chanel or Vuitton) could fill. I started to understand that my labels had led to a false sense of importance. It wasn’t labels that I needed to make me feel important, it was me. Living in Chi Chi and being able to afford less labels, has meant that I have had to learn to identify myself in new ways, learn to feel special because of who I am and not what I own. So in the last 2 years I have traded Prada for Club Monaco, Dolce for Crew, Stella for BCBG, Grey Goose for Yellowtail, and finally, “it’s complicated” for “girlfriend”.
Yes, that’s right, I am trying on a new label called girlfriend. As I said earlier, I am not really sure how I feel about the label girlfriend, I am not sure if it will fit me. Due to my lack of experience with this label, I feel more fear of it than the sense of security it is supposed to provide. I mean with designer labels I am guaranteed a certain level of quality, I am guaranteed a perfect and tailored fit, I am guaranteed a warranty, I am guaranteed public approval and admiration, bluntly, I am guaranteed satisfaction. A label of girlfriend guarantees no such thing, if anything, the only thing it really guarantees is that you have more to lose if something breaks, especially if it can’t be fixed by the shoe repair guy.
So why give in to the label? If I have comfortably given up on my other labels, why take on this new and riskier label? I guess that the main reason is possibly that while designer labels are great, there is no life-time guarantee, they eventually show wear, go out of fashion, lose their appeal, in short, they are a depreciating asset. The label of girlfriend in contrast, can appreciate in value and it can last a lifetime. I guess at the end of the day, I am willing to risk a break for the chance of the optimal life-time satisfaction.
Big and I are officially together. Although he (and I as well) do think labels are a bit ridiculous, I needed to have something that signified that he and I were moving forward. He and I are faced with so many roadblocks and obstructions to our physically being able to be together right now, but the difference is that he and I are both committed to being together emotionally at present, and physically when time permits. I guess while I have fought having this particular label, I have decided that I also need it as a way to demonstrate and symbolize my commitment to Big and to our future. So yes, you can think of me as Big’s girlfriend, but please just don’t call me that to my face :).
Girlfriend.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
In love
Love, could it actually be that I am back in l.o.v.e, love? Back in the love that I haven’t felt since I was just a schoolgirl of 24? Back in the love that produces giddiness and an insatiable lust? That love? Could it be?
Now it’s not that I haven’t loved in the past 5 years. I have. I have loved many a man…(okay, I have loved three a man), in the past 5 years. But, this particular love, the love that causes your heart to race, your mouth to smile spontaneously, your mind to fantasize, your insides to tingle and your knees to give (well, at least in the movies), is a different kind of love, it is in love. And folks, I am in love.
A few weeks ago I took a risk and said yes. I said yes even though I meant no. I have never been good at saying no, never, and I make it a daily priority to avoid hearing no at all costs. So, instead of saying no, which I meant, I said yes. And so, I landed in love. Get it?
So what was the question? Well, to paraphrase, the question was, “do you want us to give a relationship a try? Do you want us to be together?” While my head screamed NO!!!, my mouth said yes. In a nut shell, I said yes to commitment, to being a (yuck) girlfriend. Only don’t worry, I would never agree to being called a GF, not until I am married at least.
So how does an internal no lead to in love? Well, did I mention that the Casanova of that romantic question was none other than Big? It is Big who wants to consider (don’t ever put the cart before the horse) moving to Chi Chi to be with me.
Now as hard as I have been on Big, and as much as he has deserved it, he (and I as well) have come a long way since we were “in love” initially. Yes, he and I were a disaster, he was a jerk, and I was a jerk. And both of us had to do a lot of growing up to do, to have gotten to where we are today. And where are we today?
Well, today we are better friends than we ever were…we genuinely care for one another and show each other (him more than I) true compassion. And, beyond that deep friendship built of mutual appreciation, lies a very intense and passionate desire for one another. The kind of passion that prevents us from being just friends. And despite our tumultuous past, he and I have worked towards building a relationship together through daily phone calls for over a year and constant affirmations of how we feel about one another. And did I mention that this closeness and intimacy has been initiated by him?
So why would I scream no? Not nearly enough space to say.
But more importantly, why am I am suddenly back in love? Not nearly enough space to say.
But it is worth mentioning that I have loved him since our first kiss at Barfly 7 years ago, and so it is not hard to imagine that I could be back in love with someone who so logically, so casually, and so meaningfully says the following:
Him: “so have you always loved me?”
Me: “yes, I guess so.”,
Him “yeah, I have always loved you, too. I always knew you were special. I think we are meant to be together.”
Me: silent :)
And so I am, in love.
Now it’s not that I haven’t loved in the past 5 years. I have. I have loved many a man…(okay, I have loved three a man), in the past 5 years. But, this particular love, the love that causes your heart to race, your mouth to smile spontaneously, your mind to fantasize, your insides to tingle and your knees to give (well, at least in the movies), is a different kind of love, it is in love. And folks, I am in love.
A few weeks ago I took a risk and said yes. I said yes even though I meant no. I have never been good at saying no, never, and I make it a daily priority to avoid hearing no at all costs. So, instead of saying no, which I meant, I said yes. And so, I landed in love. Get it?
So what was the question? Well, to paraphrase, the question was, “do you want us to give a relationship a try? Do you want us to be together?” While my head screamed NO!!!, my mouth said yes. In a nut shell, I said yes to commitment, to being a (yuck) girlfriend. Only don’t worry, I would never agree to being called a GF, not until I am married at least.
So how does an internal no lead to in love? Well, did I mention that the Casanova of that romantic question was none other than Big? It is Big who wants to consider (don’t ever put the cart before the horse) moving to Chi Chi to be with me.
Now as hard as I have been on Big, and as much as he has deserved it, he (and I as well) have come a long way since we were “in love” initially. Yes, he and I were a disaster, he was a jerk, and I was a jerk. And both of us had to do a lot of growing up to do, to have gotten to where we are today. And where are we today?
Well, today we are better friends than we ever were…we genuinely care for one another and show each other (him more than I) true compassion. And, beyond that deep friendship built of mutual appreciation, lies a very intense and passionate desire for one another. The kind of passion that prevents us from being just friends. And despite our tumultuous past, he and I have worked towards building a relationship together through daily phone calls for over a year and constant affirmations of how we feel about one another. And did I mention that this closeness and intimacy has been initiated by him?
So why would I scream no? Not nearly enough space to say.
But more importantly, why am I am suddenly back in love? Not nearly enough space to say.
But it is worth mentioning that I have loved him since our first kiss at Barfly 7 years ago, and so it is not hard to imagine that I could be back in love with someone who so logically, so casually, and so meaningfully says the following:
Him: “so have you always loved me?”
Me: “yes, I guess so.”,
Him “yeah, I have always loved you, too. I always knew you were special. I think we are meant to be together.”
Me: silent :)
And so I am, in love.
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