After my Marc Jacobs "a-ha" I headed to volunteer with my Chi-girlfriend. We went to pack seeds of vegetables (why do they need onions anyway?) for the people of Zimbabwe. It was an opportunity through the church which meant that there was the possibility of seeing the CPA as well as many of the other hub members. I prepped my friend for this in advance by saying, "remember, he is very average". As a reminder, I have not seen or heard from CPA since My Venezuelan was in town more than a month ago.
Well needless to say, we did see CPA...long story short we said a polite hello and that's about it. Afterwards, my girlfriend and I went out for some dishing and dining.
And further needless to say, Sunday I invited CPA over for dinner which he readily accepted. So he came over for my faux dinner picked up from the hot foods section at Whole Foods. Impressively, he brought a bottle of wine this time and not grape juice. Whew. Apparently CPA has been up to the same old same old, working. And he is also training for the marathon every Saturday morning at 8:00am. (Why oh why?) I am so far from being interested in him that I can finally relax and enjoy his company for what it is...someone else to spend time with in the Chi who just happens to be a pretty good kisser. I could do worse. And if I wasn't already over him then his take on sweatpants sure got me there sooner....
This blastedly cold winter weather has kept me dressed warm...denim with no socks. And because we never go anywhere but my couch, I haven't even been able to wear a skirt and tights. Ergo, CPA has only ever seen my in skinny jeans which due to their nature and construction, can actually prevent certain compromising PG positions. If that were his reason for suggesting changing into sweatpants I may have respected him more. Instead, he innocently wondered why I wouldn't wear sweatpants always because they are more comfortable. Um, excuse me? I told him that I think it is inappropriate to wear sweatpants when you are entertaining. He didn't agree and questioned why it would matter? To be politically correct and keep the majority of my readers, I will say that yes, sweatpants are okay if they are worn around friends, parents, and sig others. (And for the record, I would never wear sweatpants in front of my friends or sig other for two reasons: 1. SPants are not who I am, 2. SPants are too short for me!). But CPA is certainly not a sig other.
Grudgingly and with ample irritation, I will admit that I do think he brings up a good point (the conclusion I had to draw on my own). It shouldn't matter what you are wearing, it should be about who you are. I do completely agree with that statement, but here's the thing: much of who I am is represented through how I present myself on the outside. There is no right or wrong in this. In order to feel confident I need to feel like I am presenting myself well, I am clean, my hair is done, I have a nice outfit on, etc. If those simple elements are missing, then I instantly feel uncomfortable and less confident. This is just who I am and I guess I want a partner who acknowledges and appreciates the effort I put in every single day. How could you not appreciate that about someone? Yes, it is important who you are obviously, but to be the best person I can be, I need to look the part, and that is something I will be proud of.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Gone baby gone
I just said goodbye to a couple of friends from the MNApple. Darling gays on a Chicago adventure with two goals: 1. Eat at the Ralph Lauren grill while wearing riding boots. 2. Party the night away in Boystown/make out with boys. It was nice to have the company and it was a nice reminder of how much I have changed. How you may wonder? Well, if it were a year ago, or even last summer, I would have tagged along to Boystown and gotten completely trashed in order to have a good time...after all, being out at a gay club is better than not being out. At present time, being at a gay club is worse than not being out, therefore I stayed in and let the boys have their fun. Its as if I only now have learned that you cannot meet straight men at gay clubs. Who knew?
I did have a very minor a-ha moment yesterday after leaving Marc Jacobs. I took the boys to the very man sexy Marc Jacobs store where we all bought $28 rain boots (for real!) and shamelessly stared at the sexy Marc Jacobs man. He was about 6 feet tall w/ brown curly hair...like a very sexy and fit (not stocky) rugby player. Very gorgeous and very straight. After leaving the store, the boys chided me for not trying to flirt with the hot man. "Puh-lease" I said, "he so would not have been into me". And there is the a-ha.
As I have said, I feel like I am extremely confident overall, I generally feel confident in what I am wearing, my style, my body, and my awareness of current social events, but I do lack confidence in certain areas. I certainly lack the confidence in my ability to attract attractive men. I guess I can feel confident as long as I perceive myself to be the more attractive and the more successful. This is true for men and women...consider my career and the challenges I faced in establishing myself as on the level of those who I perceived to be better than me...it took me a long time to get over my intimidation. The result of this lack of confidence is that I shoot way too low. Like the CPA...he and I do not match on so many levels...he is a homebody, he is lacking in ambition, he is shorter than I am, he puts in the bare minimum effort, he has terrible music tastes, etc, etc, yet I worked my ass off to make myself attractive and irresistible to him. And it didn't work, obviously.
I have not always been like this, but its seems that gone are the days where I could go to the bar and stare and flirt my way into flowing drinks, gone are the days where I could get picked up in the middle of the skyways by sexy male strippers (yep), gone are the days where I had the confidence to card-bomb hot guys for fun, yep, gone are the days. Ironic because I am more successful than I have ever been, I am more independent than I have ever been, I am more stylish than I have ever been, I have healthier friendships than I ever have had, and I would say I am probably more attractive than I have ever been. So why as I continue to get better and better in my life have I lost more and more confidence? There is obviously a Big reason for this, but a lot of it has been me and my inability to make peace with and be honest about my insecurities.
Well dear friends, gone are those days. It is my duty to myself and to Chicago to stare like crazy and to card bomb like crazy until I meet that new special guy. And maybe I will start with Marc Jacobs.
I did have a very minor a-ha moment yesterday after leaving Marc Jacobs. I took the boys to the very man sexy Marc Jacobs store where we all bought $28 rain boots (for real!) and shamelessly stared at the sexy Marc Jacobs man. He was about 6 feet tall w/ brown curly hair...like a very sexy and fit (not stocky) rugby player. Very gorgeous and very straight. After leaving the store, the boys chided me for not trying to flirt with the hot man. "Puh-lease" I said, "he so would not have been into me". And there is the a-ha.
As I have said, I feel like I am extremely confident overall, I generally feel confident in what I am wearing, my style, my body, and my awareness of current social events, but I do lack confidence in certain areas. I certainly lack the confidence in my ability to attract attractive men. I guess I can feel confident as long as I perceive myself to be the more attractive and the more successful. This is true for men and women...consider my career and the challenges I faced in establishing myself as on the level of those who I perceived to be better than me...it took me a long time to get over my intimidation. The result of this lack of confidence is that I shoot way too low. Like the CPA...he and I do not match on so many levels...he is a homebody, he is lacking in ambition, he is shorter than I am, he puts in the bare minimum effort, he has terrible music tastes, etc, etc, yet I worked my ass off to make myself attractive and irresistible to him. And it didn't work, obviously.
I have not always been like this, but its seems that gone are the days where I could go to the bar and stare and flirt my way into flowing drinks, gone are the days where I could get picked up in the middle of the skyways by sexy male strippers (yep), gone are the days where I had the confidence to card-bomb hot guys for fun, yep, gone are the days. Ironic because I am more successful than I have ever been, I am more independent than I have ever been, I am more stylish than I have ever been, I have healthier friendships than I ever have had, and I would say I am probably more attractive than I have ever been. So why as I continue to get better and better in my life have I lost more and more confidence? There is obviously a Big reason for this, but a lot of it has been me and my inability to make peace with and be honest about my insecurities.
Well dear friends, gone are those days. It is my duty to myself and to Chicago to stare like crazy and to card bomb like crazy until I meet that new special guy. And maybe I will start with Marc Jacobs.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Amazing grace
So Big and I had a very interesting conversation on Sunday night. He couldn't stop telling me about his new BFF Kendall. Yes, according to All my Children, Kendall happens to be a girl's name. I instantly didn't like her, and not to mention that she is an LA hippie who carries a $3000 Louis Vuitton bag. Hippie. Um, more like Poser. Anyway, he is very protective of his friendship w/ K-doll as she is his only friend in the LA after 1 week. I guess he had a heart-to-heart w/ her and learned a lot about himself in the process. And BTW, don't worry, she has a boyfriend. So this tete a tete included the mention of me as in, "its complicated". Wow, I cannot believe that I was actually acknowledged in any way in his life. I have to believe his enlightening conversation w/ K-doll that led him to his slightly but not entirely odd behavior Sunday.
As we were discussing us, he asked me what I considered us to be. I said that I considered us to be in an uncommitted relationship. He said are you seeing anyone else, and I said no (alright, please reserve judgement) and he said he is not and not planning on seeing anyone else so then we are in a sort of relationship. Of course he then asked the very timely "what do you want" question. He always wants to know what do I want? What do I want from him? As you know, I cannot answer this question without a lot of hesitation. If I tell him what I want, then I will lose him and I will be alone.
Fortunately, I had a six hour drive back to the Chi to consider this question. A six hour drive taking until 2 in the am propelled by non-diet coke and a movie-theater size box of Reese's pieces. Not sure I was in my right mind. And for the record, I do realize that when it comes to Big I sing a different tune every week. It all started back in Jan where Big and I were O.V.E.R. to us making peace with there being no "us", to my accepting that I need to move on from him, to him abandoning me moving to LA, to me him now considering us to be in a cross-country "relationship". I think it is the combination of love and fear that drive us to this. That said, here is the tune for this week:
I don't think I want to be w/ Big. He is not the kind of man that I can be with long-term. Big always started out as a good for now (exciting, bad ass, a challenge), but not someone I would marry. Well, I am 27 going on 30, I need to consider marriage because it is what I want within the next 5 years. Big does not posses the integrity, the stability, or the basic kindness that I would want in a future forever partner. I will say that I really love Big, but I do not want my life to turn into settling, to settling for expecting the average and miserable. Frankly, believe it or not, I have too much pride for that. No, instead I want to be romanced, shown affection, paid for, given the option of children, and treated like I am the best thing that has ever happened in the world. And guess what? I want to feel that exact same way about the other person.
Big actually paid me the best compliment he ever has on Sunday (the last great compliment came when we first started dating when he told me I was the only woman he had ever met who had so much grace--I think I lost some of my grace after meeting him), he said that I am AMAZING and he said it more than once. He thinks I am amazing--which is amazing. I had no idea that he thought of me like that. He thinks I am amazing, I think I am amazing, therefore I no longer need to prove to him my worth.
...alright, I can probably write a thousand posts about this and I likely will. So stay tuned.
As we were discussing us, he asked me what I considered us to be. I said that I considered us to be in an uncommitted relationship. He said are you seeing anyone else, and I said no (alright, please reserve judgement) and he said he is not and not planning on seeing anyone else so then we are in a sort of relationship. Of course he then asked the very timely "what do you want" question. He always wants to know what do I want? What do I want from him? As you know, I cannot answer this question without a lot of hesitation. If I tell him what I want, then I will lose him and I will be alone.
Fortunately, I had a six hour drive back to the Chi to consider this question. A six hour drive taking until 2 in the am propelled by non-diet coke and a movie-theater size box of Reese's pieces. Not sure I was in my right mind. And for the record, I do realize that when it comes to Big I sing a different tune every week. It all started back in Jan where Big and I were O.V.E.R. to us making peace with there being no "us", to my accepting that I need to move on from him, to him abandoning me moving to LA, to me him now considering us to be in a cross-country "relationship". I think it is the combination of love and fear that drive us to this. That said, here is the tune for this week:
I don't think I want to be w/ Big. He is not the kind of man that I can be with long-term. Big always started out as a good for now (exciting, bad ass, a challenge), but not someone I would marry. Well, I am 27 going on 30, I need to consider marriage because it is what I want within the next 5 years. Big does not posses the integrity, the stability, or the basic kindness that I would want in a future forever partner. I will say that I really love Big, but I do not want my life to turn into settling, to settling for expecting the average and miserable. Frankly, believe it or not, I have too much pride for that. No, instead I want to be romanced, shown affection, paid for, given the option of children, and treated like I am the best thing that has ever happened in the world. And guess what? I want to feel that exact same way about the other person.
Big actually paid me the best compliment he ever has on Sunday (the last great compliment came when we first started dating when he told me I was the only woman he had ever met who had so much grace--I think I lost some of my grace after meeting him), he said that I am AMAZING and he said it more than once. He thinks I am amazing--which is amazing. I had no idea that he thought of me like that. He thinks I am amazing, I think I am amazing, therefore I no longer need to prove to him my worth.
...alright, I can probably write a thousand posts about this and I likely will. So stay tuned.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Minnecation
Hello, welcome back to me. I am terribly guilty of an unusually long hiatus. I am sure the three of you have missed me very much:). Truly, I enjoyed what may have been the best week ever! Just so you don't miss a minute of it, and so that I will have something to remember when I'm 90, I will recap my fun times.
I got in late on Friday night to be greeted by my Mom and Dad and a tick...apparently Gizmo (our Pug) had attracted some nasty friends.
Saturday morning I awoke to the very sweet sounds of Matthew my 18 month old nephew. We were babysitting the darling boy all weekend while my sister and her husband were in the hospital with brand new Megan, baby girl born Friday at 10:58am...perfect baby. My aunt and uncle came into town and then we all went to meet the new baby. Saturday night I dressed in a vintage black dress (by vintage I mean a very sexy black dress made by my friend in HS 10 years ago). I paired the well fitting dress with pearl,s white gloves, and red lips. The occasion was a fashion show that I attended with a girlfriend. We ate yummy sushi and then viewed TC's local fashion, and left the evening only after being photog'ed by City Pages, sneaking into VIP seats, and taking an oyster shot.
Sunday was met by another fabulous morning with my nephew, bright sunshine, a visit to the hospital to see Megan, and Shrek 2 and 3 with my mom.
Monday was another day with Matthew, shopping with my mom, visiting Megan, and watching Dancing w/ the Stars w/ Mom and Dad (and they say I'm never home).
Tuesday I visited Megan and Matthew bright and early before hitting the Dr. Then I watched a bit of old school 90210 before heading to my friend's place in Loring Park. He and I caught up the gossip and then headed to Uptown for shopping and dining. After dropping him off I headed to a yoga class w/ another friend and then she and I enjoyed a quick drink at our old fav neighborhood hangout.
Wednesday, probably one of the best days of my life, was spent at a Twins game in their brand new stadium with my Venezuelan. I invited him to the game and he and I spent the day cuddling under an umbrella, holding hands on the streets of the Mpls, and listening to local music at his house. It was easily a perfect day spent with the man of my dreams. And then I finished the day off w/ another coupla girlfriends in Mpls.
Thursday, visited Matthew and Megan in the am, and then hair color, and then a wine patio on a very sunny day in Mpls, followed by nummy sushi with a girlfriend, followed by wine with another girlfriend. Three HH's not to shabby.
Friday, early morning breakfast w/ friend, then I visited Grandma and Grandpa before taking a yoga class. Then I picked up a friend and she and I went to the opening of a play and then to a rock show featuring a friend of my Venezuelan. Yes, I saw my Venezuelan. Can't say it was good as he showed up to the show w/ 2 girls in tow...I might be able to accept us for what we are, but I can't help but feel jealous seeing him around other girls (more to come on this).
Saturday, was spent w/ Matthew and Megan and a couple of aunts, then to church and then to a girlfriends and then to dinner Thai style w/ more friends. Fun day.
Sunday, spent once again w/ my family Matthew and Megan et al. While I should have left back to the Chi at 2:00, I didn't end up leaving for the Chi until 8:00pm. Why? Well, unexpectedly, Saturday night Big called...he was heading into Mpls from LA Sun night for a few days because his dad was having surgery. He agreed to upgrade his flight to arrive earlier, but not until 5:00pm. I didn't think it would be right to leave town without seeing him. And so I did. Teaser-alert. That is all I will say for now, but seeing him was really eye-opening.
Alright then, apologies for the tedious post documenting every second of my vacation, but like I said, it was an amazing week and I want to remember it. It was filled w/ family, friends, and moments I will remember forever. It was also filled with potentially life-changing lessons including learning what it feels like to be in a loving couple, learning the importance of joy in our every day life, and learning that I possess the ability to create and manage the outcome of my own life.
I got in late on Friday night to be greeted by my Mom and Dad and a tick...apparently Gizmo (our Pug) had attracted some nasty friends.
Saturday morning I awoke to the very sweet sounds of Matthew my 18 month old nephew. We were babysitting the darling boy all weekend while my sister and her husband were in the hospital with brand new Megan, baby girl born Friday at 10:58am...perfect baby. My aunt and uncle came into town and then we all went to meet the new baby. Saturday night I dressed in a vintage black dress (by vintage I mean a very sexy black dress made by my friend in HS 10 years ago). I paired the well fitting dress with pearl,s white gloves, and red lips. The occasion was a fashion show that I attended with a girlfriend. We ate yummy sushi and then viewed TC's local fashion, and left the evening only after being photog'ed by City Pages, sneaking into VIP seats, and taking an oyster shot.
Sunday was met by another fabulous morning with my nephew, bright sunshine, a visit to the hospital to see Megan, and Shrek 2 and 3 with my mom.
Monday was another day with Matthew, shopping with my mom, visiting Megan, and watching Dancing w/ the Stars w/ Mom and Dad (and they say I'm never home).
Tuesday I visited Megan and Matthew bright and early before hitting the Dr. Then I watched a bit of old school 90210 before heading to my friend's place in Loring Park. He and I caught up the gossip and then headed to Uptown for shopping and dining. After dropping him off I headed to a yoga class w/ another friend and then she and I enjoyed a quick drink at our old fav neighborhood hangout.
Wednesday, probably one of the best days of my life, was spent at a Twins game in their brand new stadium with my Venezuelan. I invited him to the game and he and I spent the day cuddling under an umbrella, holding hands on the streets of the Mpls, and listening to local music at his house. It was easily a perfect day spent with the man of my dreams. And then I finished the day off w/ another coupla girlfriends in Mpls.
Thursday, visited Matthew and Megan in the am, and then hair color, and then a wine patio on a very sunny day in Mpls, followed by nummy sushi with a girlfriend, followed by wine with another girlfriend. Three HH's not to shabby.
Friday, early morning breakfast w/ friend, then I visited Grandma and Grandpa before taking a yoga class. Then I picked up a friend and she and I went to the opening of a play and then to a rock show featuring a friend of my Venezuelan. Yes, I saw my Venezuelan. Can't say it was good as he showed up to the show w/ 2 girls in tow...I might be able to accept us for what we are, but I can't help but feel jealous seeing him around other girls (more to come on this).
Saturday, was spent w/ Matthew and Megan and a couple of aunts, then to church and then to a girlfriends and then to dinner Thai style w/ more friends. Fun day.
Sunday, spent once again w/ my family Matthew and Megan et al. While I should have left back to the Chi at 2:00, I didn't end up leaving for the Chi until 8:00pm. Why? Well, unexpectedly, Saturday night Big called...he was heading into Mpls from LA Sun night for a few days because his dad was having surgery. He agreed to upgrade his flight to arrive earlier, but not until 5:00pm. I didn't think it would be right to leave town without seeing him. And so I did. Teaser-alert. That is all I will say for now, but seeing him was really eye-opening.
Alright then, apologies for the tedious post documenting every second of my vacation, but like I said, it was an amazing week and I want to remember it. It was filled w/ family, friends, and moments I will remember forever. It was also filled with potentially life-changing lessons including learning what it feels like to be in a loving couple, learning the importance of joy in our every day life, and learning that I possess the ability to create and manage the outcome of my own life.
Monday, April 5, 2010
I heart MJ times two
I am going a little bit crazy here in the Chi. Its what happens during boring weekends--I go a little cuckoo. This wasn't even that bad of a weekend, so what gives? I think it is obviously the added stress and anxiety over the Big move that has me worked up. I mean come on, what sane person has a 2 hour panic attack at 4 in the morning and blogs about it? Cuckoo.
The weekend wasn't that terrible, I actually enjoyed a nice Easter with my lovely Chi-town pal. She and I went to Easter service where we got our "family" picture taken and then picked up her BF before heading to her mom's in IN. It was my first visit to the Hoosiers state and wouldn't ya know, we drove right through Michael Jackson's hometown of Gary. I am pretty sure that is also where the Music Man is from. The three of us, her mom, and her brother dined at a very busy and very fancy dining facility where I had to face the buffet. Truly all buffets stress me out big time. They are chaos, so many people, so many choices, this is the only situation where I feel performance anxiety. (Cuckoo). I endured the buffet and then was rewarded with Delicious Easter treats from her mom. It was really nice considering my parents neglected to hide a basket in the mail...they did send a monogrammed note in lieu of a card with a nice check inside that I will use to purchase a yoga class tomorrow.
Seriously, after going to the hot yoga class with my Venezuelan last weekend I have been obsessed with going more regularly. It is strange, I can't really explain why I like it so much, but I do...it is relaxing, it is private, it is healthy, it is forgiving, it is easy, it is warm, it is structured, it is dim, and it is rewarding (oh, maybe I can explain it!). I actually went to a yoga class on Saturday night after shopping and purchasing at the new Marc Jacobs store in the Gold Coast. I cannot really feel bad about living in Chicago when I can have a Saturday doing just that every single week. I am very lucky. Not like I bought Marc Jacobs out or anything, but I did buy a gunmetal metallic coin purse to replace my worn Kate Spade favorite. It is very cute with the MJ logo and embossed hearts...love it. And it was totally affordable so I picked up one for my friend Joey as well, now we match! There is a matching wristlet that I am tempted to get as well.
I am looking forward to my vacation next week. My sister is due with her new baby on Friday! What a blessing indeed. I am also excited to see my little nephew, I got him a little book called "Goodnight Chicago" which is a book dedicated to all the sights of the Chi. I will be in town for the whole week and so far I have 2 fashion shows planned and tentatively a Twins game in the new stadium. Hopefully I also have a hot date or two with my Venezuelan, I could use the love to keep me from mourning Big.
And last Big, hence why I am so crazy. The @#%%## has not called since Wednesday and so I have no idea if he made it to the LA LA Land. I texted him Sat night, no response, I texted him Sunday, no response, I called him last night and it went directly to voicemail, and I called him today and it went directly to voicemail...yes I realize that I do sound like a cross-country stalker, but come-on, the man is glued to his phone, why would it be off? Do you see why I'm anxious? No one turns their phone off. Did something happen? And what about the earthquake? Ugh, stress. All I want is a little courtesy that includes a simple message of "I made it to LA, have a good life". Not nothing. Nothing is mean. This may be my karma: I have screened for over a month and probably 15 missed calls, the guy who wants to marry me (skipper), without any such explanation. Guilty. Hoping to change that karma I did text him (Skipper) today and said that I am sorry and that I will call him when I am ready...stop smothering me. May have worked as when I dialed Big again tonight (do you know that I have never actually had his name in my phone?) it did ring before going to voicemail. Now he is just ignoring me and not dead. Let's not forget that I live in the real world now.
The weekend wasn't that terrible, I actually enjoyed a nice Easter with my lovely Chi-town pal. She and I went to Easter service where we got our "family" picture taken and then picked up her BF before heading to her mom's in IN. It was my first visit to the Hoosiers state and wouldn't ya know, we drove right through Michael Jackson's hometown of Gary. I am pretty sure that is also where the Music Man is from. The three of us, her mom, and her brother dined at a very busy and very fancy dining facility where I had to face the buffet. Truly all buffets stress me out big time. They are chaos, so many people, so many choices, this is the only situation where I feel performance anxiety. (Cuckoo). I endured the buffet and then was rewarded with Delicious Easter treats from her mom. It was really nice considering my parents neglected to hide a basket in the mail...they did send a monogrammed note in lieu of a card with a nice check inside that I will use to purchase a yoga class tomorrow.
Seriously, after going to the hot yoga class with my Venezuelan last weekend I have been obsessed with going more regularly. It is strange, I can't really explain why I like it so much, but I do...it is relaxing, it is private, it is healthy, it is forgiving, it is easy, it is warm, it is structured, it is dim, and it is rewarding (oh, maybe I can explain it!). I actually went to a yoga class on Saturday night after shopping and purchasing at the new Marc Jacobs store in the Gold Coast. I cannot really feel bad about living in Chicago when I can have a Saturday doing just that every single week. I am very lucky. Not like I bought Marc Jacobs out or anything, but I did buy a gunmetal metallic coin purse to replace my worn Kate Spade favorite. It is very cute with the MJ logo and embossed hearts...love it. And it was totally affordable so I picked up one for my friend Joey as well, now we match! There is a matching wristlet that I am tempted to get as well.
I am looking forward to my vacation next week. My sister is due with her new baby on Friday! What a blessing indeed. I am also excited to see my little nephew, I got him a little book called "Goodnight Chicago" which is a book dedicated to all the sights of the Chi. I will be in town for the whole week and so far I have 2 fashion shows planned and tentatively a Twins game in the new stadium. Hopefully I also have a hot date or two with my Venezuelan, I could use the love to keep me from mourning Big.
And last Big, hence why I am so crazy. The @#%%## has not called since Wednesday and so I have no idea if he made it to the LA LA Land. I texted him Sat night, no response, I texted him Sunday, no response, I called him last night and it went directly to voicemail, and I called him today and it went directly to voicemail...yes I realize that I do sound like a cross-country stalker, but come-on, the man is glued to his phone, why would it be off? Do you see why I'm anxious? No one turns their phone off. Did something happen? And what about the earthquake? Ugh, stress. All I want is a little courtesy that includes a simple message of "I made it to LA, have a good life". Not nothing. Nothing is mean. This may be my karma: I have screened for over a month and probably 15 missed calls, the guy who wants to marry me (skipper), without any such explanation. Guilty. Hoping to change that karma I did text him (Skipper) today and said that I am sorry and that I will call him when I am ready...stop smothering me. May have worked as when I dialed Big again tonight (do you know that I have never actually had his name in my phone?) it did ring before going to voicemail. Now he is just ignoring me and not dead. Let's not forget that I live in the real world now.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Fantasy: fact or fiction?
I have been living in a fantasy world. You see, the thing is that sometimes it is easier to live in a world that is part fantasy, part reality, than to live in the real world. The fantasy world can provide where the real world has fell short. The fantasy world can be what you want it to be, it is a world where anything can be true and everything can be rationalized or omitted. Big and I only exist in a fantasy world, we do not exist in the real world. It is very silly, a bit ridiculous, I even wonder now if because I brought Big into my real world through conversations with friends, if I am not a bit crazy.
I guess it is the Big move that has brought all of this to light. He made a comment a few nights ago how "I've never met his father", and while it was not meant to be hurtful, it is very true. I have met his family only in passing 4 years ago and since then I have not existed for them, or for Big's friends. No one knows that I exist. All I am is a glorified 5 year affair that he has kept on the side while he has moved from relationship to relationship. I am a part of his fantasy world not his actual life. I certainly have known this to be true, sure I have, I am not stupid or blind, but I guess I have never acknowledged that this fact. It is easier being a part of his fantasy world and keeping him a part of mine, than acknowledging I don't exist. If I don't exist then it will be like admitting failure, and admitting I am not worth more. But, maybe it is time to admit and acknowledge the obvious: my reality is that Big and I do not exist, I am alone.
And if I am to start living in the real world than I should probably call is quits officially with CPA. I will not enter into another relationship that exists behind closed doors and while no one is watching. If I have to live in reality then it is time to start showing the world how to treat me and demand acknowledgement. This does not mean that I am "cured" of my fantasy life, but I do hope this is the step in the right direction. First step is always the acknowledgment and admittance. I will be honest though and tell you right now, life in the real world for a single woman living alone in a big city with no friends feels pretty close to worthless to me. It is only the existence of a fantasy world that has allowed me some form of peace of mind and even manufactured self respect. Without my fantasy world, I feel like I will be left with nothing.
I guess it is the Big move that has brought all of this to light. He made a comment a few nights ago how "I've never met his father", and while it was not meant to be hurtful, it is very true. I have met his family only in passing 4 years ago and since then I have not existed for them, or for Big's friends. No one knows that I exist. All I am is a glorified 5 year affair that he has kept on the side while he has moved from relationship to relationship. I am a part of his fantasy world not his actual life. I certainly have known this to be true, sure I have, I am not stupid or blind, but I guess I have never acknowledged that this fact. It is easier being a part of his fantasy world and keeping him a part of mine, than acknowledging I don't exist. If I don't exist then it will be like admitting failure, and admitting I am not worth more. But, maybe it is time to admit and acknowledge the obvious: my reality is that Big and I do not exist, I am alone.
And if I am to start living in the real world than I should probably call is quits officially with CPA. I will not enter into another relationship that exists behind closed doors and while no one is watching. If I have to live in reality then it is time to start showing the world how to treat me and demand acknowledgement. This does not mean that I am "cured" of my fantasy life, but I do hope this is the step in the right direction. First step is always the acknowledgment and admittance. I will be honest though and tell you right now, life in the real world for a single woman living alone in a big city with no friends feels pretty close to worthless to me. It is only the existence of a fantasy world that has allowed me some form of peace of mind and even manufactured self respect. Without my fantasy world, I feel like I will be left with nothing.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
acceptance, the point of no return
Wednesday marked Chi's first warm day of the season and my friend and I celebrated with the most charming sidewalk dining (how very New York, how very French). During a completely indulgent cookie dough dessert, I attempted to explain to my friend how it is that I can manage to have a very sexy weekend with a man who I admittedly am in love with, and not feel hurt or attached afterwords? Similarly, I attempted to explain how I can continue sporadically seeing CPA with benefits without feeling rejected? My explanation: you feel hurt at first, but then once you get to the point of acceptance the hurt goes away. Explaining it out loud I suddenly appreciate how sad it is...I am basically saying that it is okay for a guy to use me for benefits as long as I am honest with myself about his intentions. If I am honest and accept that he does not want to pursue a relationship then its okay. I am not sure if this makes me a master at the friends with benefits relationships, or if it makes me jaded and cynical. Am I spending too much time accepting and therefore expecting that the guys I like are not into me and therefore I am sabotaging myself in some way? Maybe. Does it even matter? I don't know.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
tears for fears
It happened again last night, the tears. Its really weird, I don't actually feel emotional about Big moving most of the time, but then Big will say the key phrase out loud I am moving to LA this Friday, and I instantly burst into tears. To give you a better idea of the spontaneity, its kind of like the SATC season 6 ep 11 "the domino effect", where Big is in town (from CA) and tells Carrie he is having a little heart thing done and she immediately bursts into tears. This happens throughout the episode, until at last, he recovers and turns back into Big, him as Big she can handle, him as a loved one having heart work done, she cannot. I feel like it is similar with my Big, Big as an asshole I can handle, there not being a Big I cannot. I guess in theory, Big is still a Big no matter what his zipcode.
He's not coming to Chicago. Didn't I call that? (Stupid intuition). Apparently, his dad is driving down to CA with him. (Stupid dad). So he will not be detouring to Chi, he will not be saying goodbye. Obviously this is when the tears started. I really can't believe I won't see him.
In his attempt to console me, he only made it worse. He said something to the effect of, this might not even happen, what if I can't sell my place or find a renter, what if I can't go? Trust me, him not going is worse. It is worse not because I need him to go to move on etc etc, it is worse because he needs this, he needs to have this opportunity. I can handle Big going, I can cry, I can feel sad, I can handle it, what I don't think I can handle is for him to not move forward in his life, and move closer to achieving his dreams. It would almost be too devastating for him, and therefore for me. I am no longer selfish in our relationship, I no longer think that we are not together because of me, I no longer feel the pain of not being enough, I now see him for who he is, and I see the pain he would go through for not realizing his dreams. I guess, what I am saying, is bring on the tears.
He's not coming to Chicago. Didn't I call that? (Stupid intuition). Apparently, his dad is driving down to CA with him. (Stupid dad). So he will not be detouring to Chi, he will not be saying goodbye. Obviously this is when the tears started. I really can't believe I won't see him.
In his attempt to console me, he only made it worse. He said something to the effect of, this might not even happen, what if I can't sell my place or find a renter, what if I can't go? Trust me, him not going is worse. It is worse not because I need him to go to move on etc etc, it is worse because he needs this, he needs to have this opportunity. I can handle Big going, I can cry, I can feel sad, I can handle it, what I don't think I can handle is for him to not move forward in his life, and move closer to achieving his dreams. It would almost be too devastating for him, and therefore for me. I am no longer selfish in our relationship, I no longer think that we are not together because of me, I no longer feel the pain of not being enough, I now see him for who he is, and I see the pain he would go through for not realizing his dreams. I guess, what I am saying, is bring on the tears.
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