Just under hitting the big 3-0 I have reached a relationship milestone. I have introduced my plus one of two years, to my plus five of 29 years, my family. Danny, yes, that Danny, and I are still a dysfunctional non-item, item. We are together without being together. Basically, he does all the things a boyfriend/husband does, but without the label. (Hey, remember when I didn't like labels!) The milestone wasn't so much that he met my family, he had already met my parents and my bro, but it was more that he met ALL of my family at one time at my parents house. I brought a guy home. And more than that, I brought a guy to my parent's cabin. Whoa. Big had met my family. But he had met them on just the surface, never spent any time with them or talked to them - it was more hi/bye/getmethehelloutofhere. So that makes Danny the first guy I ever let in to that part of my life...the first guy who really wanted in as it were. Whoa.
.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Le baguette
Damn, that last post was a good post! How do I top that?
The intended part two of that genius piece of writing was to deal with appreciation. Appreciation as a re-lesson. But like with all lessons that need to become re-lessons over and over again, my inspiration in regards to appreciation has dwindled. But I'll give it a go anyway and hope to arrive at appreciating my efforts.
Many many years ago, just after Oprah left behind the compelling and interesting human dramas of closeted, married gay men, and racial tensions and hate crime, she spear-headed the trend of self-help. For the record, self-help is an industry, and it is largely BS! But even I am guilty of indulging. I accidentally happened to catch an episode (I was hoping for my favorite things) where she guided her loyal viewers to start a gratitude journal where each and every day, you were to write down at least one thing you were grateful for. O had started to do this and found it life-changing. It is really amazing to think that even Oprah has something to be grateful for every day. If she does, then we certainly do. While I may be critical of the change in format during the last years of Oprah's reign, I was a fan. What woman wasn't?
I, forever a cynic and a skeptic, have remembered that episode ever since. But why? The only reason why that I can think of is that I, like many (most?) other, at least middle class, Americans feel a bit of entitlement that we can have it all, and that we deserve to. We are conditioned to believe in the American dream where everything is possible, everything is with-in reach. Anything less than getting everything you want is therefore equal to failure. In short, I think because we have this sense of entitlement, we are unaware and to a degree, unable to recognize and appreciate, well, everything. We take so many things for granted.
A note - I use "we" because I like company. I am not using "we" to infer that you, my dear reader, are in fact part of this "we", so please, take "we" with a grain of salt.
We are obsessed with ourselves and our wants, and we expect to get what we want and if we don't then we feel shorted, depressed, and disadvantaged, and are left with a feeling of woe is me. Ironically, I am actually in a state of woe is me at the moment...
So back to the idea of appreciation. As you may recall, I attended a conference on mental illness last weekend, and I was fortunate to sit in on a testimonial given by a delightful woman who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder. Her disorder at its worst, left her home-bound for over 6 months, fearful of what would happen if she left the house. For over 7 years she was unable to drive a car. This disorder manifests itself in many different and intrusive ways, but for each victim, they find themselves prisoners of certain behaviors that intrudes and and inhibits their ability to lead "normal" lives. But really, what is normal? And why the desire for normal? (But alas, that is material for another, long-winded post).
The brave and engaging speaker said that one of the biggest moments in her life (she's around 30 at this time) was when she drove her young girls to the grocery store and went grocery shopping selecting items, and not performing her previously OCD-mandated touching routines. Wow, to be able to go grocery shopping like a "normal" person, was a huge accomplishment for her. She then said that while her illness was debilitating at times, (OCD is not curable, it is a life-long struggle to control the urges), she now looked at it as a strength. She learned to view her illness in terms of the positive - she gained a perspective that allowed her to appreciate everything. She learned to appreciate the things that most of us take for granted and because she was able to own that perspective, she felt lucky, she experienced true gratitude.
This reminds me of the movie "As good as it gets". Conincidentally, the lead in this movie is also afflicted with OCD. The highlight of this movie is when the lead (Jack Nicholson) pays the female lead (Helen Hunt) an unusual compliment. To paraphrase, he says to her that he watches people all day long meet and interact with her, but not notice just how incredibly amazing she is, they all miss it. He doesn't miss it, he sees just how amazing she is. And because he "gets it" he then feels better about himself.
My point is that there is so much to be grateful for, and so much to appreciate, so why do we forget? Why do we become so wrapped up in ourselves, that we miss it? Why do we take for granted the beauty in the simple?
Maybe a gratitude journal isn't a bad idea. Maybe we all need a daily reminder to look at not only what is obviously good, but what is simply good. Focus on appreciating everything, and not just the grand. Maybe we could all benefit from that simple perspective.
For today, I most appreciated being able to go to the grocery store to purchase a baguette. I appreciated carrying it home wielding it as a bo-staff. I appreciated that the baguette is symbolic of the French, which I recognize. I appreciated that I am one of the few who derives such pleasure in a seemingly simple purchase. I appreciate that I "get" what others don't.
I am sure not Oprah, nor do I encourage silly self-help journals, but I sure do task you all with thinking more about the simple and great things you have to appreciate, and I do also task you with a baguette.
The intended part two of that genius piece of writing was to deal with appreciation. Appreciation as a re-lesson. But like with all lessons that need to become re-lessons over and over again, my inspiration in regards to appreciation has dwindled. But I'll give it a go anyway and hope to arrive at appreciating my efforts.
Many many years ago, just after Oprah left behind the compelling and interesting human dramas of closeted, married gay men, and racial tensions and hate crime, she spear-headed the trend of self-help. For the record, self-help is an industry, and it is largely BS! But even I am guilty of indulging. I accidentally happened to catch an episode (I was hoping for my favorite things) where she guided her loyal viewers to start a gratitude journal where each and every day, you were to write down at least one thing you were grateful for. O had started to do this and found it life-changing. It is really amazing to think that even Oprah has something to be grateful for every day. If she does, then we certainly do. While I may be critical of the change in format during the last years of Oprah's reign, I was a fan. What woman wasn't?
I, forever a cynic and a skeptic, have remembered that episode ever since. But why? The only reason why that I can think of is that I, like many (most?) other, at least middle class, Americans feel a bit of entitlement that we can have it all, and that we deserve to. We are conditioned to believe in the American dream where everything is possible, everything is with-in reach. Anything less than getting everything you want is therefore equal to failure. In short, I think because we have this sense of entitlement, we are unaware and to a degree, unable to recognize and appreciate, well, everything. We take so many things for granted.
A note - I use "we" because I like company. I am not using "we" to infer that you, my dear reader, are in fact part of this "we", so please, take "we" with a grain of salt.
We are obsessed with ourselves and our wants, and we expect to get what we want and if we don't then we feel shorted, depressed, and disadvantaged, and are left with a feeling of woe is me. Ironically, I am actually in a state of woe is me at the moment...
So back to the idea of appreciation. As you may recall, I attended a conference on mental illness last weekend, and I was fortunate to sit in on a testimonial given by a delightful woman who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder. Her disorder at its worst, left her home-bound for over 6 months, fearful of what would happen if she left the house. For over 7 years she was unable to drive a car. This disorder manifests itself in many different and intrusive ways, but for each victim, they find themselves prisoners of certain behaviors that intrudes and and inhibits their ability to lead "normal" lives. But really, what is normal? And why the desire for normal? (But alas, that is material for another, long-winded post).
The brave and engaging speaker said that one of the biggest moments in her life (she's around 30 at this time) was when she drove her young girls to the grocery store and went grocery shopping selecting items, and not performing her previously OCD-mandated touching routines. Wow, to be able to go grocery shopping like a "normal" person, was a huge accomplishment for her. She then said that while her illness was debilitating at times, (OCD is not curable, it is a life-long struggle to control the urges), she now looked at it as a strength. She learned to view her illness in terms of the positive - she gained a perspective that allowed her to appreciate everything. She learned to appreciate the things that most of us take for granted and because she was able to own that perspective, she felt lucky, she experienced true gratitude.
This reminds me of the movie "As good as it gets". Conincidentally, the lead in this movie is also afflicted with OCD. The highlight of this movie is when the lead (Jack Nicholson) pays the female lead (Helen Hunt) an unusual compliment. To paraphrase, he says to her that he watches people all day long meet and interact with her, but not notice just how incredibly amazing she is, they all miss it. He doesn't miss it, he sees just how amazing she is. And because he "gets it" he then feels better about himself.
My point is that there is so much to be grateful for, and so much to appreciate, so why do we forget? Why do we become so wrapped up in ourselves, that we miss it? Why do we take for granted the beauty in the simple?
Maybe a gratitude journal isn't a bad idea. Maybe we all need a daily reminder to look at not only what is obviously good, but what is simply good. Focus on appreciating everything, and not just the grand. Maybe we could all benefit from that simple perspective.
For today, I most appreciated being able to go to the grocery store to purchase a baguette. I appreciated carrying it home wielding it as a bo-staff. I appreciated that the baguette is symbolic of the French, which I recognize. I appreciated that I am one of the few who derives such pleasure in a seemingly simple purchase. I appreciate that I "get" what others don't.
I am sure not Oprah, nor do I encourage silly self-help journals, but I sure do task you all with thinking more about the simple and great things you have to appreciate, and I do also task you with a baguette.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
I wish for hope
Greetings!
Happy Sunday! I have enjoyed a very busy weekend, a very good weekend, in fact a great weekend. Such a good weekend that accidentally exposing my derriere (termed 'cheeks' by the sales lady) to all of Mag Mile courtesy of a sheer dress and just as sheer thong, couldn't get me down. Some may consider that to be embarrassing, but I am not some people, instead I remarked "oh, it fine, I'm not shy" and then my mom promptly paid for new pants. So perhaps inadvertent exposure was the highlight of my weekend. I'm certain it was at least the highlight for some...:) (sickos).
Other than new pants, some CB2 abuse resulting in a fab kitchen cart and a face mat, and devouring the best nachos on the planet, I attended a conference on mental illness. I sat through many seminars and workshops intended to identify, illustrate, articulate, dispel, inform, resolve, differentiate, explore, divulge, and any other word you can think of, the different areas of a certain (use your imagination) mental illness. While I attended the conference in a supportive role seeking out general information to enhance my awareness and understanding of said illness and its treatment options, I was surprised to find much of the information transferable to well, anyone and everyone.
My big take-aways and "ah-has" (I have a love/hate with this Oprah term) are too numerous to list, so instead I will highlight my favorite re-lessons. Okay, no, re-lesson is sure not a word, but i feel it best illustrates my point. So for the purposes of this widely-read blog post, re-lesson is a coined term I will use to describe a lesson that I consider to be of a general, common-sense variety. A lesson or an idea that we all know and suspect to be true, but fail to access and apply in our daily lives on an on-going basis. Meaning, we may believe these lessons and ideas to be true in theory, but due to our ego, our stubborness, (or in my case) laziness, we fail to apply them in our daily life. Get it? Not sure yet if I even know what I am talking about so let's keep going...
Re-lessons:
1. Don't try harder, try different. We all know the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I know this lesson best from my experience in dating...no need to explain that one ;)
2. Perfection is just an opinion!! I actually think I hold myself to a very low standard of perfection, perhaps the laziness in me, but I know that the idea of perfection is a relentless obsession for many people. The truth is, perfect is merely an opinion, and should not be a goal.
3. Should is a dirty word. Us ladies were introduced to this by a very introspective Carrie Bradshaw. "Why are we shoulding all over ourselves?" As is perfect, should is just an opinion. We should, I should, you should, are all statements of opinion. That choice of word implies that in some way we are failing or we have done something wrong. Ick. Instead of using the word should (and no cheating with the words ought, must), we should (oops!) our goal is to use words and phrases like, would like to, and wish to...
4. Control is an illusion. Now, I can't think of anyone I know that has control issues. Certainly not me. Oh, wait, yes me. And you too. We all suffer occasionally from control impulses and they often manifest themselves through worry and anxiety. For example, I can't improve my finances by waking up in the middle of the night and worrying about them. And yet I do. And so do you. But, our ability to control things through worry and anxiety is an illusion - exhausting mental energy and experiencing mental anguish do not solve or resolve these issues.
5. Its okay to be uncomfortable in the short term in order to be comfortable in the long-run. Duh, yes. But for me, my choices are always influenced and ultimately determined by short term comfort. I am always making choices that affect the short-term seeking instant gratification, rather than make the best choice with the long-term viewpoint. This is evident in my finances and in my refrigerator. Don't look in there!
6. We are awful to ourselves but awesome to others. We have all asked ourselves this question at one point. "Why can I give such great advice to my best friend, but not do the same for myself?" And why do we motivate others with kind words and encouraging smiles, but motivate ourselves by cutting ourselves down? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we treat ourselves so awful? We in many ways can be our own worst enemies. We must learn to focus on being awesome to ourselves, we deserve that much because we are awesome!
And my most important re-lesson:
7. Hope. It can feel good to give up. It can feel good to just accept things as they are. It can feel good to be cynical and to be negative. It can feel good to mourn and wallow. It can feel good to let hope go. But that is a sad way to live and it is not sustainable. Permanently adopting that negative viewpoint can only lead to more problems. At one time or another, I think we have all been guilty of "giving up" in ourselves or in others. For example, I have given up in the possibility that I will get married. A it dramatic for a girl under 30. A bit silly to turn my back on hope in that case. But some issues are so big and so mentally and physically debilitating that it becomes difficult to imagine improvement or recovery. But, the only way to recovery or success, big or small, is through hope. You, We, I need to have hope that things can improve, or they won't. We need to have hope for ourselves, and hope for others.
So there you have it. My re-lessons and divine wisdom passed along for the good of the world. I hope so at least :).
Cheers, xoxo
Happy Sunday! I have enjoyed a very busy weekend, a very good weekend, in fact a great weekend. Such a good weekend that accidentally exposing my derriere (termed 'cheeks' by the sales lady) to all of Mag Mile courtesy of a sheer dress and just as sheer thong, couldn't get me down. Some may consider that to be embarrassing, but I am not some people, instead I remarked "oh, it fine, I'm not shy" and then my mom promptly paid for new pants. So perhaps inadvertent exposure was the highlight of my weekend. I'm certain it was at least the highlight for some...:) (sickos).
Other than new pants, some CB2 abuse resulting in a fab kitchen cart and a face mat, and devouring the best nachos on the planet, I attended a conference on mental illness. I sat through many seminars and workshops intended to identify, illustrate, articulate, dispel, inform, resolve, differentiate, explore, divulge, and any other word you can think of, the different areas of a certain (use your imagination) mental illness. While I attended the conference in a supportive role seeking out general information to enhance my awareness and understanding of said illness and its treatment options, I was surprised to find much of the information transferable to well, anyone and everyone.
My big take-aways and "ah-has" (I have a love/hate with this Oprah term) are too numerous to list, so instead I will highlight my favorite re-lessons. Okay, no, re-lesson is sure not a word, but i feel it best illustrates my point. So for the purposes of this widely-read blog post, re-lesson is a coined term I will use to describe a lesson that I consider to be of a general, common-sense variety. A lesson or an idea that we all know and suspect to be true, but fail to access and apply in our daily lives on an on-going basis. Meaning, we may believe these lessons and ideas to be true in theory, but due to our ego, our stubborness, (or in my case) laziness, we fail to apply them in our daily life. Get it? Not sure yet if I even know what I am talking about so let's keep going...
Re-lessons:
1. Don't try harder, try different. We all know the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I know this lesson best from my experience in dating...no need to explain that one ;)
2. Perfection is just an opinion!! I actually think I hold myself to a very low standard of perfection, perhaps the laziness in me, but I know that the idea of perfection is a relentless obsession for many people. The truth is, perfect is merely an opinion, and should not be a goal.
3. Should is a dirty word. Us ladies were introduced to this by a very introspective Carrie Bradshaw. "Why are we shoulding all over ourselves?" As is perfect, should is just an opinion. We should, I should, you should, are all statements of opinion. That choice of word implies that in some way we are failing or we have done something wrong. Ick. Instead of using the word should (and no cheating with the words ought, must), we should (oops!) our goal is to use words and phrases like, would like to, and wish to...
4. Control is an illusion. Now, I can't think of anyone I know that has control issues. Certainly not me. Oh, wait, yes me. And you too. We all suffer occasionally from control impulses and they often manifest themselves through worry and anxiety. For example, I can't improve my finances by waking up in the middle of the night and worrying about them. And yet I do. And so do you. But, our ability to control things through worry and anxiety is an illusion - exhausting mental energy and experiencing mental anguish do not solve or resolve these issues.
5. Its okay to be uncomfortable in the short term in order to be comfortable in the long-run. Duh, yes. But for me, my choices are always influenced and ultimately determined by short term comfort. I am always making choices that affect the short-term seeking instant gratification, rather than make the best choice with the long-term viewpoint. This is evident in my finances and in my refrigerator. Don't look in there!
6. We are awful to ourselves but awesome to others. We have all asked ourselves this question at one point. "Why can I give such great advice to my best friend, but not do the same for myself?" And why do we motivate others with kind words and encouraging smiles, but motivate ourselves by cutting ourselves down? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we treat ourselves so awful? We in many ways can be our own worst enemies. We must learn to focus on being awesome to ourselves, we deserve that much because we are awesome!
And my most important re-lesson:
7. Hope. It can feel good to give up. It can feel good to just accept things as they are. It can feel good to be cynical and to be negative. It can feel good to mourn and wallow. It can feel good to let hope go. But that is a sad way to live and it is not sustainable. Permanently adopting that negative viewpoint can only lead to more problems. At one time or another, I think we have all been guilty of "giving up" in ourselves or in others. For example, I have given up in the possibility that I will get married. A it dramatic for a girl under 30. A bit silly to turn my back on hope in that case. But some issues are so big and so mentally and physically debilitating that it becomes difficult to imagine improvement or recovery. But, the only way to recovery or success, big or small, is through hope. You, We, I need to have hope that things can improve, or they won't. We need to have hope for ourselves, and hope for others.
So there you have it. My re-lessons and divine wisdom passed along for the good of the world. I hope so at least :).
Cheers, xoxo
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
delicious consumption
I have been cheating. Cheating on pinot with pellegrino. I didn't think I was that kind of girl. I didn't think there was a limit to my loyalty. But it turns out I am that kind of girl, and my loyalty while eternal, has shifted. I have retired the drink for the sink. No not literally! But I do sure enjoy a good glass of tap water.
Surprised? Its been overdue. I, like the rest of my close friends, have slowly started the process of weaning myself off the wine bottle. I guess it is only natural. As babies, we learn to wean ourselves off of the breast, then the paci, then the thumb, then our nose, then the baby bottles, then as kids off the juicy juice, then as teenagers off the pop, then as college kids off the sauce, then finally, as approaching thirty-somethings off the wine bottles. What next? In our 30s, weight-conscious, will we need to be weaned off of the uber-trendy chia seed-filled water bottles? And 40s and 50s surely we will need to be weaned off of collagen bottles? Our 60s will we need to be weaned off of cranberry juice and Activia yogurt? Our 70s we'll once again need to be weaned off of our wine bottles which we rely on to help us forget, and finally our last years we will need to be weaned off of our scotch and waters which we enjoy morning, noon and night. Please, let that one go.
I guess my point is that when you get rid of one thing, then something else needs to take its place. My reluctance in giving up my wine pleasure was that I couldn't think of anything that could take its place in the same pleasurable way. See, what I liked about drinking wine was that it lasted several hours, when one glass finished there was another waiting, it had a feeling of routine and therefore evoked feelings of comfort and safety, and best of all, I liked that it passed time. Suddenly my night would be over and I would be blissfully asleep unaware of any feelings of lonliness, failure, stress, aprehension. The bad news was that in the morning, those temporarily dodged emotions would return, along with foggy embarassment.
And if you take another look at my reasons for enjoying a liberal wine habit, you'll notice the absence of the only proper reason to drink wine, which is to taste and enjoy the flavor and overall experience of the wine! Don't get me wrong, I love the taste of wine - yummo, but I don't drink it because of what it is our how its made, I more so have just been drinking it to drink it. Considering that my typical wine bottle purchase rarely exceeds $6.00, is it any wonder that I am not able to consider my palette at all discerning?
See, there are a lot of problems with my wine consumption, least of all my wine consumption. What I mean is that I don't think there is anything wrong with wine consumption itself, more so with the reasons why or the manner of the consumption. So for me that means I need to first change how I am drinking and then change why I am drinking. First step - drink only in the company of others, second step - learn to enjoy drinking, the taste the experience, the quality. Learn to taste, really taste the wine/cocktail, train my palette!
And brilliantly, to cope with solo-weekends, I have substituted pinots with pellegrinos, San Pellegrinos, and I could not be happier. San Pellegrino in a rocks glass with a fresh lime is as enjoyable as any cocktail or any glass of wine I've ever had. There is something so effortlessly chic about that delicious consumption. Amazingly, I don't feel like I am depriving myself of one thing, but rather that I am indulging myself in another.
Oh to be a grown up :)
xoxo
Surprised? Its been overdue. I, like the rest of my close friends, have slowly started the process of weaning myself off the wine bottle. I guess it is only natural. As babies, we learn to wean ourselves off of the breast, then the paci, then the thumb, then our nose, then the baby bottles, then as kids off the juicy juice, then as teenagers off the pop, then as college kids off the sauce, then finally, as approaching thirty-somethings off the wine bottles. What next? In our 30s, weight-conscious, will we need to be weaned off of the uber-trendy chia seed-filled water bottles? And 40s and 50s surely we will need to be weaned off of collagen bottles? Our 60s will we need to be weaned off of cranberry juice and Activia yogurt? Our 70s we'll once again need to be weaned off of our wine bottles which we rely on to help us forget, and finally our last years we will need to be weaned off of our scotch and waters which we enjoy morning, noon and night. Please, let that one go.
I guess my point is that when you get rid of one thing, then something else needs to take its place. My reluctance in giving up my wine pleasure was that I couldn't think of anything that could take its place in the same pleasurable way. See, what I liked about drinking wine was that it lasted several hours, when one glass finished there was another waiting, it had a feeling of routine and therefore evoked feelings of comfort and safety, and best of all, I liked that it passed time. Suddenly my night would be over and I would be blissfully asleep unaware of any feelings of lonliness, failure, stress, aprehension. The bad news was that in the morning, those temporarily dodged emotions would return, along with foggy embarassment.
And if you take another look at my reasons for enjoying a liberal wine habit, you'll notice the absence of the only proper reason to drink wine, which is to taste and enjoy the flavor and overall experience of the wine! Don't get me wrong, I love the taste of wine - yummo, but I don't drink it because of what it is our how its made, I more so have just been drinking it to drink it. Considering that my typical wine bottle purchase rarely exceeds $6.00, is it any wonder that I am not able to consider my palette at all discerning?
See, there are a lot of problems with my wine consumption, least of all my wine consumption. What I mean is that I don't think there is anything wrong with wine consumption itself, more so with the reasons why or the manner of the consumption. So for me that means I need to first change how I am drinking and then change why I am drinking. First step - drink only in the company of others, second step - learn to enjoy drinking, the taste the experience, the quality. Learn to taste, really taste the wine/cocktail, train my palette!
And brilliantly, to cope with solo-weekends, I have substituted pinots with pellegrinos, San Pellegrinos, and I could not be happier. San Pellegrino in a rocks glass with a fresh lime is as enjoyable as any cocktail or any glass of wine I've ever had. There is something so effortlessly chic about that delicious consumption. Amazingly, I don't feel like I am depriving myself of one thing, but rather that I am indulging myself in another.
Oh to be a grown up :)
xoxo
Sunday, July 22, 2012
sorry?
Did I mention that I am in therapy? She is less a therapist and more someone to indulgently talk about myself to, safe from feelings of guilt or fear of oversharing or judgment. But, she is a therapist.
Acutally, I am quite sure I am one of the most balanced person she deals with on a daily basis. After our first session (session, cute word) she remarked that I am very "insightful". She made that comment without so much as a judgmental hint of "why are you here" or "you really don't need to be here". She deferred to my judgement of whether or not I need to be there with her, in therapy. And truth be told, no, I really don't need to be there, I am not really gaining anything out of confessing my soul to a stranger. But I also feel so wonderfully indulgent in self exploration that in no way am I ready to give it up. I need to indulge. I need therapy.
Last session she asked me why I hadn't demanded (well asked) for financial retribution for Big's vacation in Chi. After all, my out of pocket for that disaster was close to $800 plus the extensive retail and medical therapy needed to heal from the consequences. Yikes $2000 in credit card damages. Over and over, she pointed out, I have let myself get the short end. I have allowed people to use me, take advantage of me, and treat me poorly and have never stood up for myself.
If that's true, which IT IS! then it is my fault. What has happened in my past, is my fault. I have allowed people to treat me a certain way not because that was their intent, but because I have been so quick to accept anything, forgive everything, and turn a blind eye to the rest.
Which has got me thinking. Thinking about "sorry".
In my life history, there are very few things that I have mastered - bras, martinis, saying yes (never no), and saying I'm sorry. Yes, I have been apologizing since birth. While I don't have any true first recollections of apologizing or feeling sorry, it was in high-school that I learned that it was better to apologize (even if I wasn't wrong) than to carry on anger over trivial issues. Let's put the disagreement to bed, please God. And granted, yes, I did need to apologize for quite a lot, but mostly harmless stuff. Can no one take a joke?
Fine, yes, I was wrong a lot. I had developed a catty tongue at an early age, but it was harmless.
Taking my knack for apologizing into my adult life three things happened:
1. I mastered apologizing for being wrong
2. I mastered apologizing for when I wasn't wrong
3. I learned to appreciate and value my ability to admit being wrong, right or wrong
In a nut shell, (I swear I think there is a point here somewhere) one of the greatest qualities I think I have is my ability to say I'm sorry. While being sorry is first nature for me, like air, admitting guilt, a mistake, a failure, or a misstep, for most people, is not easy. (Now this is pure speculation, so relax) . For some, there is a kind of hesitation in confronting issues in which an apology, or at least an acknowledgment of possibly not being completely right, is avoided. Which is a completely foreign idea to me. Own it. Whatever it may be just own it.
Sidetrack - I recently went out on a few dates with a very paper perfect guy. Nearly human perfect as well, but he was very bottom heavy (ick), and he was very arrogant. Arrogrance can be cute, charming even, if it is arrogance and ... Unfortunately, he was arrogant, just arrogant. Ick. I mention him because it was his arrogance, his unfounded superior attitude and sense-of-entitlement, that turned a perfectly paper guy into a complete asshole. Ick. Had he had one iota of humbleness, an ability to laugh at himself and admit sorry, then wow, what a guy. Instead, wow, what a douche.
And so my point (finally) is that I find people who are willing to make and acknowledge mistakes, admit guilt, and apologize even if it is not warranted, endearing. I find that a strength and do not look at it as a weakness. While I may not have always been treated as I should have demanded, and while I have overapologized for just living, I still respect my willingness to do say I'm sorry. The only difference now, is that while at times I may be sorry, I do not acknowledge all responsibilty.
I did email Big and ask him for money, even though I am certain I will never receive retribution. Asking, is standing up for myself. It is my fault that I ended up in that situation, but it is also his fault. We equally share the blame for what happened and it is not fair that I bear all of the consequences. And so I am brave and I am sorry, but I am now wiser and I am asking for his apology. I am sorry, but I am standing up for myself in a way that I never have before.
So, I'm sorry for not being sorry.
Acutally, I am quite sure I am one of the most balanced person she deals with on a daily basis. After our first session (session, cute word) she remarked that I am very "insightful". She made that comment without so much as a judgmental hint of "why are you here" or "you really don't need to be here". She deferred to my judgement of whether or not I need to be there with her, in therapy. And truth be told, no, I really don't need to be there, I am not really gaining anything out of confessing my soul to a stranger. But I also feel so wonderfully indulgent in self exploration that in no way am I ready to give it up. I need to indulge. I need therapy.
Last session she asked me why I hadn't demanded (well asked) for financial retribution for Big's vacation in Chi. After all, my out of pocket for that disaster was close to $800 plus the extensive retail and medical therapy needed to heal from the consequences. Yikes $2000 in credit card damages. Over and over, she pointed out, I have let myself get the short end. I have allowed people to use me, take advantage of me, and treat me poorly and have never stood up for myself.
If that's true, which IT IS! then it is my fault. What has happened in my past, is my fault. I have allowed people to treat me a certain way not because that was their intent, but because I have been so quick to accept anything, forgive everything, and turn a blind eye to the rest.
Which has got me thinking. Thinking about "sorry".
In my life history, there are very few things that I have mastered - bras, martinis, saying yes (never no), and saying I'm sorry. Yes, I have been apologizing since birth. While I don't have any true first recollections of apologizing or feeling sorry, it was in high-school that I learned that it was better to apologize (even if I wasn't wrong) than to carry on anger over trivial issues. Let's put the disagreement to bed, please God. And granted, yes, I did need to apologize for quite a lot, but mostly harmless stuff. Can no one take a joke?
Fine, yes, I was wrong a lot. I had developed a catty tongue at an early age, but it was harmless.
Taking my knack for apologizing into my adult life three things happened:
1. I mastered apologizing for being wrong
2. I mastered apologizing for when I wasn't wrong
3. I learned to appreciate and value my ability to admit being wrong, right or wrong
In a nut shell, (I swear I think there is a point here somewhere) one of the greatest qualities I think I have is my ability to say I'm sorry. While being sorry is first nature for me, like air, admitting guilt, a mistake, a failure, or a misstep, for most people, is not easy. (Now this is pure speculation, so relax) . For some, there is a kind of hesitation in confronting issues in which an apology, or at least an acknowledgment of possibly not being completely right, is avoided. Which is a completely foreign idea to me. Own it. Whatever it may be just own it.
Sidetrack - I recently went out on a few dates with a very paper perfect guy. Nearly human perfect as well, but he was very bottom heavy (ick), and he was very arrogant. Arrogrance can be cute, charming even, if it is arrogance and ... Unfortunately, he was arrogant, just arrogant. Ick. I mention him because it was his arrogance, his unfounded superior attitude and sense-of-entitlement, that turned a perfectly paper guy into a complete asshole. Ick. Had he had one iota of humbleness, an ability to laugh at himself and admit sorry, then wow, what a guy. Instead, wow, what a douche.
And so my point (finally) is that I find people who are willing to make and acknowledge mistakes, admit guilt, and apologize even if it is not warranted, endearing. I find that a strength and do not look at it as a weakness. While I may not have always been treated as I should have demanded, and while I have overapologized for just living, I still respect my willingness to do say I'm sorry. The only difference now, is that while at times I may be sorry, I do not acknowledge all responsibilty.
I did email Big and ask him for money, even though I am certain I will never receive retribution. Asking, is standing up for myself. It is my fault that I ended up in that situation, but it is also his fault. We equally share the blame for what happened and it is not fair that I bear all of the consequences. And so I am brave and I am sorry, but I am now wiser and I am asking for his apology. I am sorry, but I am standing up for myself in a way that I never have before.
So, I'm sorry for not being sorry.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Hello
I had her at hello.
Girl Big that is. I had her at hello. I knew I would. I liked her, I knew she would like me (of course), and so Uncommon at first sight, I had her at Hello. Today this most recent Chi-mate departed Chi-town for WA-town. Unfortunately, Chi-mates leaving is nothing new to me (remember CA-bound Chi-mate)? So, as it turns out, my mates leave, but I remain…what does that tell you? Is Chi-town my hometown? Am I am perma Chi-town homey?
Pardon my 8 month absence. To summarize the last 8 months: I was really content, then happy, then excited, then nervous, then anxious, then suspect, then happy, then unhappy, then naughty, then really angry, then depressed, and now hopeful(ish). Whew.
In a different kind of nut shell: in the last 8 months I ended things with Danny, Big moved to Chi chez moi, I kissed a Texan, Big moved out of Chi chez moi (unrelated to Texan), I got back w/ Danny, I sought therapist and drugs, I went on a date w/ Andy, and girl Big moved to WA WA. I think that’s enough for 8 months, don’t you?
Yes, it was overall a tragic 8 months. The end of Big and I part deux was ugly and sad and worse, an ending like no other. Meaning it was not one of those other endings where I claim “its really over this time”. Nope, this time is different, I mean, this time it really is over. For real. (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds). I guess that when I begged him to take me back a few weeks ago and he declined, I got the idea that we are truly done. Voila.
Not especially interested in dwelling on that minor (cough) occurrence at the moment (drugs are a miracle product), instead, I would like to focus on my most recent raison d’etre, girl Big, my Chi-mate. I couldn’t wait to tell her everything; every aspect of my day from what I wore to who I saw to what happened at work to what I ate for dinner to what I wanted to eat for dinner the next night to what happened with all my mens to you name it- absolutely everything. She was my girl Big. The only difference is that ‘girl Bigs’ treat you well. They love you, build you up, listen, laugh, confide, and always say yes to the drink. Girl Bigs are great. And I was her girl Big – I wanted to know everything.
So what do I do without my Big and my girl Big? Where do I find an outlet? Over the past 3 days I have had no less than 30 thoughts of, I need to tell girl Big about this. Then I realize I can’t. I feel that with Big too. What I miss the most is being able to tell him about my day. To call him and have him call me everyday. I miss him telling me he loves me and that he misses me. I miss him telling me that there is something special about me that he just can’t get away from. I miss having him and having that.
And now I fear I will miss girl Big even more. She was the one I truly confided in, the one I did share everything with, the one I was honest with. So maybe while I thought I that I had a great relationship with Big and Danny, truly, it was the relationship with Big and Danny and Girl Big that worked. I needed all 3 to get through my relationship with Big. So what I (should) be searching for is a guy that combines the 3 relationships – the pure unexplainable love, chemistry if you will, (Big), the intimacy and awe (Danny), and the honesty and appreciation (girl Big) – if I can get all of that (well, you know what I mean) in one guy, then okay, he will have me at hello.
Girl Big that is. I had her at hello. I knew I would. I liked her, I knew she would like me (of course), and so Uncommon at first sight, I had her at Hello. Today this most recent Chi-mate departed Chi-town for WA-town. Unfortunately, Chi-mates leaving is nothing new to me (remember CA-bound Chi-mate)? So, as it turns out, my mates leave, but I remain…what does that tell you? Is Chi-town my hometown? Am I am perma Chi-town homey?
Pardon my 8 month absence. To summarize the last 8 months: I was really content, then happy, then excited, then nervous, then anxious, then suspect, then happy, then unhappy, then naughty, then really angry, then depressed, and now hopeful(ish). Whew.
In a different kind of nut shell: in the last 8 months I ended things with Danny, Big moved to Chi chez moi, I kissed a Texan, Big moved out of Chi chez moi (unrelated to Texan), I got back w/ Danny, I sought therapist and drugs, I went on a date w/ Andy, and girl Big moved to WA WA. I think that’s enough for 8 months, don’t you?
Yes, it was overall a tragic 8 months. The end of Big and I part deux was ugly and sad and worse, an ending like no other. Meaning it was not one of those other endings where I claim “its really over this time”. Nope, this time is different, I mean, this time it really is over. For real. (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds). I guess that when I begged him to take me back a few weeks ago and he declined, I got the idea that we are truly done. Voila.
Not especially interested in dwelling on that minor (cough) occurrence at the moment (drugs are a miracle product), instead, I would like to focus on my most recent raison d’etre, girl Big, my Chi-mate. I couldn’t wait to tell her everything; every aspect of my day from what I wore to who I saw to what happened at work to what I ate for dinner to what I wanted to eat for dinner the next night to what happened with all my mens to you name it- absolutely everything. She was my girl Big. The only difference is that ‘girl Bigs’ treat you well. They love you, build you up, listen, laugh, confide, and always say yes to the drink. Girl Bigs are great. And I was her girl Big – I wanted to know everything.
So what do I do without my Big and my girl Big? Where do I find an outlet? Over the past 3 days I have had no less than 30 thoughts of, I need to tell girl Big about this. Then I realize I can’t. I feel that with Big too. What I miss the most is being able to tell him about my day. To call him and have him call me everyday. I miss him telling me he loves me and that he misses me. I miss him telling me that there is something special about me that he just can’t get away from. I miss having him and having that.
And now I fear I will miss girl Big even more. She was the one I truly confided in, the one I did share everything with, the one I was honest with. So maybe while I thought I that I had a great relationship with Big and Danny, truly, it was the relationship with Big and Danny and Girl Big that worked. I needed all 3 to get through my relationship with Big. So what I (should) be searching for is a guy that combines the 3 relationships – the pure unexplainable love, chemistry if you will, (Big), the intimacy and awe (Danny), and the honesty and appreciation (girl Big) – if I can get all of that (well, you know what I mean) in one guy, then okay, he will have me at hello.
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