sorry?

Did I mention that I am in therapy?  She is less a therapist and more someone to indulgently talk about myself to, safe from feelings of guilt or fear of oversharing or judgment.  But, she is a therapist.

Acutally, I am quite sure I am one of the most balanced person she deals with on a daily basis.  After our first session (session, cute word) she remarked that I am very "insightful".  She made that comment without so much as a judgmental hint of "why are you here" or "you really don't need to be here".  She deferred to my judgement of whether or not I need to be there with her, in therapy.  And truth be told, no, I really don't need to be there, I am not really gaining anything out of confessing my soul to a stranger.  But I also feel so wonderfully indulgent in self exploration that in no way am I ready to give it up.  I need to indulge.  I need therapy.

Last session she asked me why I hadn't demanded (well asked) for financial retribution for Big's vacation in Chi.  After all, my out of pocket for that disaster was close to $800 plus the extensive retail and medical therapy needed to heal from the consequences.  Yikes $2000 in credit card damages.  Over and over, she pointed out, I have let myself get the short end.  I have allowed people to use me, take advantage of me, and treat me poorly and have never stood up for myself.     

If that's true, which IT IS! then it is my fault.  What has happened in my past, is my fault.  I have allowed people to treat me a certain way not because that was their intent, but because I have been so quick to accept anything, forgive everything, and turn a blind eye to the rest.

Which has got me thinking.  Thinking about "sorry". 

In my life history, there are very few things that I have mastered - bras, martinis, saying yes (never no), and saying I'm sorry.  Yes, I have been apologizing since birth.  While I don't have any true first recollections of apologizing or feeling sorry, it was in high-school that I learned that it was better to apologize (even if I wasn't wrong) than to carry on anger over trivial issues.  Let's put the disagreement to bed, please God.  And granted, yes, I did need to apologize for quite a lot, but mostly harmless stuff.  Can no one take a joke?
Fine, yes, I was wrong a lot.  I had developed a catty tongue at an early age, but it was harmless.

Taking my knack for apologizing into my adult life three things happened:
1.  I mastered apologizing for being wrong 
2.  I mastered apologizing for when I wasn't wrong
3.  I learned to appreciate and value my ability to admit being wrong, right or wrong

In a nut shell, (I swear I think there is a point here somewhere) one of the greatest qualities I think I have is my ability to say I'm sorry.  While being sorry is first nature for me, like air, admitting guilt, a mistake, a failure, or a misstep, for most people, is not easy.  (Now this is pure speculation, so relax) . For some, there is a kind of hesitation in confronting issues in which an apology, or at least an acknowledgment of possibly not being completely right, is avoided.  Which is a completely foreign idea to me.  Own it.  Whatever it may be just own it.

Sidetrack - I recently went out on a few dates with a very paper perfect guy.  Nearly human perfect as well, but he was very bottom heavy (ick), and he was very arrogant.  Arrogrance can be cute, charming even, if it is arrogance and ...  Unfortunately, he was arrogant, just arrogant.  Ick.  I mention him because it was his arrogance, his unfounded superior attitude and sense-of-entitlement, that turned a perfectly paper guy into a complete asshole.  Ick.  Had he had one iota of humbleness, an ability to laugh at himself and admit sorry, then wow, what a guy.  Instead, wow, what a douche.

And so my point (finally) is that I find people who are willing to make and acknowledge mistakes, admit guilt, and apologize even if it is not warranted, endearing.  I find that a strength and do not look at it as a weakness.  While I may not have always been treated as I should have demanded, and while I have overapologized for just living, I still respect my willingness to do say I'm sorry.  The only difference now, is that while at times I may be sorry, I do not acknowledge all responsibilty. 

I did email Big and ask him for money, even though I am certain I will never receive retribution.  Asking, is standing up for myself.  It is my fault that I ended up in that situation, but it is also his fault.  We equally share the blame for what happened and it is not fair that I bear all of the consequences.  And so I am brave and I am sorry, but I am now wiser and I am asking for his apology.  I am sorry, but I am standing up for myself in a way that I never have before.       

So, I'm sorry for not being sorry.