I find it somewhat ironic that you can still get stood up and dissed by men you are not even interested in. Why is the universe so damn predictable. Well, it all began during a Vikings game at a bar last week. It is not hard to see where this story goes wrong. Well, at any rate, I was at a bar during a Vikings/Bears game looking bored and trying to hush my overly loud Vikings cheering girlfriend in a crowd of overly loud and burly Bears fans...(we were given quite a few evil eyes and would have had our asses kicked if not for the on-duty-but-watching-the-Bears-game cop sitting next us). As I was drinking to escape total boredom, the guy next to me started chatting me up. This in it of itself was interesting as he was 5'4 and I am 5'10 and my girlfriend is 5'1...why exactly was he talking to me? Turns out he was a very nice, confident, interesting and positive guy and I ended up giving him my number, only in a friendly way--6 inches cannot be overlooked. He promised to text the following weekend and see what was up.
The following weekend he did text and then he even called and asked me to hang out the following day, Saturday. Sure, why not? I am always interested in meeting new people, and with him I felt that the edge of is it or isn't it a date was missing due to the height factor. Meaning I could feel comfortable and be myself without the hope or stress of will he like me. So Saturday rolls around and I hear nothing, zip, nada from him. I didn't try contacting him figuring it is better to let things go. So what happened? He was so eager to hang out and then no communication at all...not even a polite text or a post-it? WTF?
My Vikings girlfriend and I are puzzled as we are left questioning what was the point? Why bother? What is wrong with men? Certainly there is the possibility that he lost his phone, got into a terrible emergency or even died, but as time and experience has shown me, it is likely not the case.
I am really not even bothered in the least by the whole ordeal. I just honestly find it funny that the same things that happened to me when I was trying to meet "the one" or anyone, are still happening to me now when I have given up looking altogether. The universe can be unnecessarily cruel or maybe I am just getting paid back for all of the guys whose # I saved as the bar's name in order to make sure I screened and never answered their calls. Who knows really? The good news is that being blown off by someone I don't even know does not devastate me as it once did, in fact it leaves me completely unfazed, annoyed yes, but also unfazed and that is quite a nice place to be in.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
giving up the ghost
As Big and I have been talking about the future, our past keeps becoming present. He wants to talk about the past, he wants to resolve any hurt or lingering feelings, he wants to discuss it, accept it and leave it behind. Me, well, what I want to do is avoid talking about the past save for a few snarky remarks here and there to let him know I haven't quite forgotten. Forgiven? Probably. So do we have to resolve our past to get to our future?
It seems so. What worked for us in the past will not work for us in the future. We cannot let big issues linger underneath the surface. We have to deal with them head on and we have to communicate. I am still terrified of communication. I am still terrified of opening up. For example, today he said something a bit surprising, he said that when we dated in the past, he didn't feel like we were ever close, like he really didn't know me. And what's worse? He still doesn't feel like he knows me, he knows me better, but he wants to know more of me and the only way to get to know someone is through time.
Although I have made a lot of strides in my ability to open up, I still don't enjoy it. I don't want anyone to see what I have so desperately tried to ignore and overcome...that I do lack confidence, that I am extremely defensive and sensitive about certain things, that I care what strangers think of me, that I feel embarrassed, for not having more boyfriends, that I am intimidated by a lot of people, that I lack the ambition and motivation to really be somebody important and successful. The fact is that I am terribly ordinary, I am not special, I am not talented, I am not intelligent or innovative, I am not gorgeous, I am not charismatic, I am just entirely average and ordinary. I am not the person I wanted to be. But I am lucky, and what I have done here in Chi is accept me for me, and learn to be happy with average.
I guess my point is that I need to learn to open up and talk about things without becoming defensive. Big is not trying to hurt me or make me feel bad when he talks about the past. If anything, all he keeps doing is apologizing over and over again for how much he hurt me. He wants to make sure I am able to get past what happened. But I guess that me getting past the past was to pretend it never happened; the pain, the hurt, the blame, the loss of my friends, the cutting, the depression, the therapy, the tears, the desperation, the anxiety, the fear. I moved past it because I let it go and dissapear into a foggy barely there recollection. It became a ghost.
The problem is that while our past is in the past, I can't help but make the occasional snide and cutting remark that I know will hurt him. In some ways I still think he should pay and suffer for the past just like I did. But deep down I know he suffered too. And deep down I know what happened wasn't entirely his fault, he is not to blame. So as we agreed, the past is the past, I agreed to let go of cunning comments and he said how sorry he was. We faced our ghost.
It seems so. What worked for us in the past will not work for us in the future. We cannot let big issues linger underneath the surface. We have to deal with them head on and we have to communicate. I am still terrified of communication. I am still terrified of opening up. For example, today he said something a bit surprising, he said that when we dated in the past, he didn't feel like we were ever close, like he really didn't know me. And what's worse? He still doesn't feel like he knows me, he knows me better, but he wants to know more of me and the only way to get to know someone is through time.
Although I have made a lot of strides in my ability to open up, I still don't enjoy it. I don't want anyone to see what I have so desperately tried to ignore and overcome...that I do lack confidence, that I am extremely defensive and sensitive about certain things, that I care what strangers think of me, that I feel embarrassed, for not having more boyfriends, that I am intimidated by a lot of people, that I lack the ambition and motivation to really be somebody important and successful. The fact is that I am terribly ordinary, I am not special, I am not talented, I am not intelligent or innovative, I am not gorgeous, I am not charismatic, I am just entirely average and ordinary. I am not the person I wanted to be. But I am lucky, and what I have done here in Chi is accept me for me, and learn to be happy with average.
I guess my point is that I need to learn to open up and talk about things without becoming defensive. Big is not trying to hurt me or make me feel bad when he talks about the past. If anything, all he keeps doing is apologizing over and over again for how much he hurt me. He wants to make sure I am able to get past what happened. But I guess that me getting past the past was to pretend it never happened; the pain, the hurt, the blame, the loss of my friends, the cutting, the depression, the therapy, the tears, the desperation, the anxiety, the fear. I moved past it because I let it go and dissapear into a foggy barely there recollection. It became a ghost.
The problem is that while our past is in the past, I can't help but make the occasional snide and cutting remark that I know will hurt him. In some ways I still think he should pay and suffer for the past just like I did. But deep down I know he suffered too. And deep down I know what happened wasn't entirely his fault, he is not to blame. So as we agreed, the past is the past, I agreed to let go of cunning comments and he said how sorry he was. We faced our ghost.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Big small things
Confession. Even though I am no longer in love with my Big, I am still in love with my Big, and I am glad. I think what I realized that Monday night is that I was no longer in love with Big blindly. I came to accept that his decisions, actions, behaviors, choices, everything, all had a direct impact on me and my future. I came to realize that I could not jeopardize my future for anything, even love.
It is a big step to approach life eyes wide open. Largely, my pursuit of Big for the last seven years has been to prove myself worthy, not to actually be with the man I love forever. I was perfectly aware that my Big was for right now, and not for right, forever. He was never an option I would have exercised for long term, even if I did love him more than I could possibly understand. He was always part of a game: prove myself worthy to capture the unattainable (duh, if that were my game I should have gone with Matt Damon and not some dreamer). I guess the reason I fell out of love with him that Monday night was because I realized that I finally won that game, I captured my prisoner, Big was mine. And because he was mine, I could move on and finally see the limitless life in front of me.
And I do see the limitless life in front of me. This is partially why I am confronted with occasional bouts of decision anxiety. The next decision I make will absolutely affect whether or not Big and I have a future. That said, I am certain the decision I make will not be because of Big, it will be because I choose it to be best for me, and the best for me may be Big, but I don't know.
Did I mention that since July he has called me every single day? He obviously has felt me slipping away into dating other men, but none the less he has never acted rudely against me, he has only tried harder. As I said, when I was back in Minne, he insisted I stay with him and was very understanding when I sported sweats and obliged in few relations. And every single day since July he has told me how he feels about me, engages me in discussions about a future together, and has done his best to make peace with our past through communication. Even though I am still reluctant to have these candid conversations, we both understand that they are critical as they will reveal whether or not we have a future together. He and I are getting closer to true intimacy which Danny has opened me up to.
And I suppose I need to pause here and mention Danny. I feel that Danny has been brought into my life to show me how to live life, live life better, more fully, more capably, more everything. He is teaching me so many things and I really value and care about him, deeply. But, either fortunately or unfortunately, that is as far as our relationship can go, per his terms. I am recreation for him (sounds worse than I mean it), I am a break from his gruelling reality, I am a companion and it isn't that he doesn't care about me, it is just because this is the life he chose. So when I speak affectionately about Danny it is just that, I am affectionate about him, but also realistic, Danny is not my future, but Big might be, and that is what I need to explore.
And Big continues to know just what to say. I am not sure if it is a naturally ability or if he knows me well enough to know (I am sure he would say its the latter). For example yesterday I was playfully commenting that isn't it convenient he is going to see a band play with his married friends and their girl friend. I need to mention here that earlier I told him that I got him an early Christmas gift. He said even if that were the case that this what a set-up what makes me think that this girl would surprise him with an early Christmas gift? He said, I think I already have it pretty good.
I guess it is in the small things.
It is a big step to approach life eyes wide open. Largely, my pursuit of Big for the last seven years has been to prove myself worthy, not to actually be with the man I love forever. I was perfectly aware that my Big was for right now, and not for right, forever. He was never an option I would have exercised for long term, even if I did love him more than I could possibly understand. He was always part of a game: prove myself worthy to capture the unattainable (duh, if that were my game I should have gone with Matt Damon and not some dreamer). I guess the reason I fell out of love with him that Monday night was because I realized that I finally won that game, I captured my prisoner, Big was mine. And because he was mine, I could move on and finally see the limitless life in front of me.
And I do see the limitless life in front of me. This is partially why I am confronted with occasional bouts of decision anxiety. The next decision I make will absolutely affect whether or not Big and I have a future. That said, I am certain the decision I make will not be because of Big, it will be because I choose it to be best for me, and the best for me may be Big, but I don't know.
Did I mention that since July he has called me every single day? He obviously has felt me slipping away into dating other men, but none the less he has never acted rudely against me, he has only tried harder. As I said, when I was back in Minne, he insisted I stay with him and was very understanding when I sported sweats and obliged in few relations. And every single day since July he has told me how he feels about me, engages me in discussions about a future together, and has done his best to make peace with our past through communication. Even though I am still reluctant to have these candid conversations, we both understand that they are critical as they will reveal whether or not we have a future together. He and I are getting closer to true intimacy which Danny has opened me up to.
And I suppose I need to pause here and mention Danny. I feel that Danny has been brought into my life to show me how to live life, live life better, more fully, more capably, more everything. He is teaching me so many things and I really value and care about him, deeply. But, either fortunately or unfortunately, that is as far as our relationship can go, per his terms. I am recreation for him (sounds worse than I mean it), I am a break from his gruelling reality, I am a companion and it isn't that he doesn't care about me, it is just because this is the life he chose. So when I speak affectionately about Danny it is just that, I am affectionate about him, but also realistic, Danny is not my future, but Big might be, and that is what I need to explore.
And Big continues to know just what to say. I am not sure if it is a naturally ability or if he knows me well enough to know (I am sure he would say its the latter). For example yesterday I was playfully commenting that isn't it convenient he is going to see a band play with his married friends and their girl friend. I need to mention here that earlier I told him that I got him an early Christmas gift. He said even if that were the case that this what a set-up what makes me think that this girl would surprise him with an early Christmas gift? He said, I think I already have it pretty good.
I guess it is in the small things.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
what does your gut tell you?
Every big decision that I have ever made has been extremely easy, obvious even. If this is the case, then why am I feeling so anxious over the decisions I will be making in the near future? I think that I have suddenly felt the downside to 28+. At this age it seems that every single decision that we make carries far reaching implications and possibly consequences. That certainly feels unsettling.
I have an excellent history of decision making and the decisions I have made have never proved me wrong. And by the way, I hate making a decision, I hate the research, planning, analysis and risk involved in making decisions. This is why the idea of home buying and investing make my heart race...those decisions cannot be made based on "gut" feelings? Or can they? If my gut has never steered me wrong, then shouldn't I be applying that same methodology?...something to consider.
In 9th grade my favorite teacher taught us the stock market and we bought and sold fictisously based on the real market. Well, my stock did great, I had bought Best Buy. I bought BB because I knew what BB was, I went with my gut and it paid off big time (well it would have had the money been real and not make-believe-lesson learned).
So what if I pick my stocks based on where I like to shop, my sports teams based on cities I want to visit, and bars based on the cleverness of their names? I am hardly wrong, in fact, my excellent track record in decision making based on my gut has landed me:
-in Chicago which has dramatically improved my life
-in New York City which paved the way for my Chi-move
-in a career that I have up until now found to be very fullfilling
-in many cute and comfortable apartments
-in a darling car which leaks oil but has a smile on its face
-and in love.
I have gained a lot from following my gut, but I fear that as my gut grows (literally), than so do the stakes and potential consequences. The decision that I may very well need to make in the near future is where I want my career to take my geographically. I have narrowed down where I want my career to take me professionally, but soon I will have to decide whether I will be here in Chi, back in Minne, or somewhere New York? All three have their pros and cons, ups and downs, risks and potential gains to be contemplated when the time comes. But the thing is that this decision may present consequences that I am unprepared to face...damned if I do and damned if I don't.
So what does my gut tell me? So far my gut tells me consulting and it tells me that when the time comes I will just know.
I have an excellent history of decision making and the decisions I have made have never proved me wrong. And by the way, I hate making a decision, I hate the research, planning, analysis and risk involved in making decisions. This is why the idea of home buying and investing make my heart race...those decisions cannot be made based on "gut" feelings? Or can they? If my gut has never steered me wrong, then shouldn't I be applying that same methodology?...something to consider.
In 9th grade my favorite teacher taught us the stock market and we bought and sold fictisously based on the real market. Well, my stock did great, I had bought Best Buy. I bought BB because I knew what BB was, I went with my gut and it paid off big time (well it would have had the money been real and not make-believe-lesson learned).
So what if I pick my stocks based on where I like to shop, my sports teams based on cities I want to visit, and bars based on the cleverness of their names? I am hardly wrong, in fact, my excellent track record in decision making based on my gut has landed me:
-in Chicago which has dramatically improved my life
-in New York City which paved the way for my Chi-move
-in a career that I have up until now found to be very fullfilling
-in many cute and comfortable apartments
-in a darling car which leaks oil but has a smile on its face
-and in love.
I have gained a lot from following my gut, but I fear that as my gut grows (literally), than so do the stakes and potential consequences. The decision that I may very well need to make in the near future is where I want my career to take my geographically. I have narrowed down where I want my career to take me professionally, but soon I will have to decide whether I will be here in Chi, back in Minne, or somewhere New York? All three have their pros and cons, ups and downs, risks and potential gains to be contemplated when the time comes. But the thing is that this decision may present consequences that I am unprepared to face...damned if I do and damned if I don't.
So what does my gut tell me? So far my gut tells me consulting and it tells me that when the time comes I will just know.
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