I heart Tokyo

A more focused job search this week has paid off in the short term with an interview with a top retail company, a top Japanese retail company that is. Yes, next Friday I will be subjected to the horror of a group interview where I will be competing with new college graduates and possible hipsters for the opportunity to be part of a global expansion strategy in the US. As I said, the top Japanese retail company is planning on opening new locations in key US markets in the next three years and they are in the process of recruiting the talent (me) to make this endeavour successful. Sounds like an awesome opportunity right? And did I mention that the training for this position is conducted in SOHO/NYC for 6 weeks and then JAPAN for 6 MONTHS?!? So very cool.

So very cool indeed, but of course as with anything, there are obstacles:

1. Group interview, pardonez moi? The last thing in the world I want is to publicly compete with motivated and ambitious and naive graduates--I have done that for years at bars and at parties and I am not sure I like the idea of doing it over a job in such a vulnerable way. Yucky yuck.
2. Is store manager really the path I want to go? I have been gearing my search at more corporate opportunities and less at management, but as my experience proves, I may be only qualified and appealing for "stores" positions. This is disappointing as I would really like to try the corporate setting...by not doing it now, will it be too late to change later?
3. Although I have searched Mpls, Chi, and NYC for job opps, I have secretly hoped for the Mpls market to pan out. I LOVE living in Chi, but I really do miss my family and friends. On the offchance that I did land this position, my stay in Chi turns into permanent for another three years at minimum.
4. What if I am not quite cut out for this type of high-pressure position? I find that I am a talented and driven manager, but I am not sure that I am a true leader.

There are many cons to consider but I can't help but feel excited by the pros:
1. Living in Japan for 6 months! When else would I get such a fantastic opportunity?
2. Training in the specialty setting for a store management role...this would diversify my background.
3. Being part of a launch of a new store concept in the US.
4. Back to the NYC my favorite city in the world for a period of time.
5. Exposure with a fast growing global company.
6. Did I mention the parent company owns Theory?

When it comes right down to it, if the position were offered to me and suitable to my demands, then I would accept even at the cost of the cons. I don't know how I could say no--and it would be for the right reasons. I hate to admit this, but my move to Chi was somewhat propelled by a sense of drama...like a feeling or a stand of there is nothing for me in Mpls, meaning, look at me I am single, better move. With this opportunity in my horizon the reason I would say yes is not because I am single (I have two many men at the moment) but because it is the right thing to do for my career. I would actively be choosing career and world experience over love. If I am willing and able to do that, then maybe I am not in fact, in love.
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6 inches of separation

I find it somewhat ironic that you can still get stood up and dissed by men you are not even interested in. Why is the universe so damn predictable. Well, it all began during a Vikings game at a bar last week. It is not hard to see where this story goes wrong. Well, at any rate, I was at a bar during a Vikings/Bears game looking bored and trying to hush my overly loud Vikings cheering girlfriend in a crowd of overly loud and burly Bears fans...(we were given quite a few evil eyes and would have had our asses kicked if not for the on-duty-but-watching-the-Bears-game cop sitting next us). As I was drinking to escape total boredom, the guy next to me started chatting me up. This in it of itself was interesting as he was 5'4 and I am 5'10 and my girlfriend is 5'1...why exactly was he talking to me? Turns out he was a very nice, confident, interesting and positive guy and I ended up giving him my number, only in a friendly way--6 inches cannot be overlooked. He promised to text the following weekend and see what was up.

The following weekend he did text and then he even called and asked me to hang out the following day, Saturday. Sure, why not? I am always interested in meeting new people, and with him I felt that the edge of is it or isn't it a date was missing due to the height factor. Meaning I could feel comfortable and be myself without the hope or stress of will he like me. So Saturday rolls around and I hear nothing, zip, nada from him. I didn't try contacting him figuring it is better to let things go. So what happened? He was so eager to hang out and then no communication at all...not even a polite text or a post-it? WTF?

My Vikings girlfriend and I are puzzled as we are left questioning what was the point? Why bother? What is wrong with men? Certainly there is the possibility that he lost his phone, got into a terrible emergency or even died, but as time and experience has shown me, it is likely not the case.

I am really not even bothered in the least by the whole ordeal. I just honestly find it funny that the same things that happened to me when I was trying to meet "the one" or anyone, are still happening to me now when I have given up looking altogether. The universe can be unnecessarily cruel or maybe I am just getting paid back for all of the guys whose # I saved as the bar's name in order to make sure I screened and never answered their calls. Who knows really? The good news is that being blown off by someone I don't even know does not devastate me as it once did, in fact it leaves me completely unfazed, annoyed yes, but also unfazed and that is quite a nice place to be in.

giving up the ghost

As Big and I have been talking about the future, our past keeps becoming present. He wants to talk about the past, he wants to resolve any hurt or lingering feelings, he wants to discuss it, accept it and leave it behind. Me, well, what I want to do is avoid talking about the past save for a few snarky remarks here and there to let him know I haven't quite forgotten. Forgiven? Probably. So do we have to resolve our past to get to our future?

It seems so. What worked for us in the past will not work for us in the future. We cannot let big issues linger underneath the surface. We have to deal with them head on and we have to communicate. I am still terrified of communication. I am still terrified of opening up. For example, today he said something a bit surprising, he said that when we dated in the past, he didn't feel like we were ever close, like he really didn't know me. And what's worse? He still doesn't feel like he knows me, he knows me better, but he wants to know more of me and the only way to get to know someone is through time.

Although I have made a lot of strides in my ability to open up, I still don't enjoy it. I don't want anyone to see what I have so desperately tried to ignore and overcome...that I do lack confidence, that I am extremely defensive and sensitive about certain things, that I care what strangers think of me, that I feel embarrassed, for not having more boyfriends, that I am intimidated by a lot of people, that I lack the ambition and motivation to really be somebody important and successful. The fact is that I am terribly ordinary, I am not special, I am not talented, I am not intelligent or innovative, I am not gorgeous, I am not charismatic, I am just entirely average and ordinary. I am not the person I wanted to be. But I am lucky, and what I have done here in Chi is accept me for me, and learn to be happy with average.

I guess my point is that I need to learn to open up and talk about things without becoming defensive. Big is not trying to hurt me or make me feel bad when he talks about the past. If anything, all he keeps doing is apologizing over and over again for how much he hurt me. He wants to make sure I am able to get past what happened. But I guess that me getting past the past was to pretend it never happened; the pain, the hurt, the blame, the loss of my friends, the cutting, the depression, the therapy, the tears, the desperation, the anxiety, the fear. I moved past it because I let it go and dissapear into a foggy barely there recollection. It became a ghost.

The problem is that while our past is in the past, I can't help but make the occasional snide and cutting remark that I know will hurt him. In some ways I still think he should pay and suffer for the past just like I did. But deep down I know he suffered too. And deep down I know what happened wasn't entirely his fault, he is not to blame. So as we agreed, the past is the past, I agreed to let go of cunning comments and he said how sorry he was. We faced our ghost.

Big small things

Confession. Even though I am no longer in love with my Big, I am still in love with my Big, and I am glad. I think what I realized that Monday night is that I was no longer in love with Big blindly. I came to accept that his decisions, actions, behaviors, choices, everything, all had a direct impact on me and my future. I came to realize that I could not jeopardize my future for anything, even love.

It is a big step to approach life eyes wide open. Largely, my pursuit of Big for the last seven years has been to prove myself worthy, not to actually be with the man I love forever. I was perfectly aware that my Big was for right now, and not for right, forever. He was never an option I would have exercised for long term, even if I did love him more than I could possibly understand. He was always part of a game: prove myself worthy to capture the unattainable (duh, if that were my game I should have gone with Matt Damon and not some dreamer). I guess the reason I fell out of love with him that Monday night was because I realized that I finally won that game, I captured my prisoner, Big was mine. And because he was mine, I could move on and finally see the limitless life in front of me.

And I do see the limitless life in front of me. This is partially why I am confronted with occasional bouts of decision anxiety. The next decision I make will absolutely affect whether or not Big and I have a future. That said, I am certain the decision I make will not be because of Big, it will be because I choose it to be best for me, and the best for me may be Big, but I don't know.

Did I mention that since July he has called me every single day? He obviously has felt me slipping away into dating other men, but none the less he has never acted rudely against me, he has only tried harder. As I said, when I was back in Minne, he insisted I stay with him and was very understanding when I sported sweats and obliged in few relations. And every single day since July he has told me how he feels about me, engages me in discussions about a future together, and has done his best to make peace with our past through communication. Even though I am still reluctant to have these candid conversations, we both understand that they are critical as they will reveal whether or not we have a future together. He and I are getting closer to true intimacy which Danny has opened me up to.

And I suppose I need to pause here and mention Danny. I feel that Danny has been brought into my life to show me how to live life, live life better, more fully, more capably, more everything. He is teaching me so many things and I really value and care about him, deeply. But, either fortunately or unfortunately, that is as far as our relationship can go, per his terms. I am recreation for him (sounds worse than I mean it), I am a break from his gruelling reality, I am a companion and it isn't that he doesn't care about me, it is just because this is the life he chose. So when I speak affectionately about Danny it is just that, I am affectionate about him, but also realistic, Danny is not my future, but Big might be, and that is what I need to explore.

And Big continues to know just what to say. I am not sure if it is a naturally ability or if he knows me well enough to know (I am sure he would say its the latter). For example yesterday I was playfully commenting that isn't it convenient he is going to see a band play with his married friends and their girl friend. I need to mention here that earlier I told him that I got him an early Christmas gift. He said even if that were the case that this what a set-up what makes me think that this girl would surprise him with an early Christmas gift? He said, I think I already have it pretty good.

I guess it is in the small things.

what does your gut tell you?

Every big decision that I have ever made has been extremely easy, obvious even. If this is the case, then why am I feeling so anxious over the decisions I will be making in the near future? I think that I have suddenly felt the downside to 28+. At this age it seems that every single decision that we make carries far reaching implications and possibly consequences. That certainly feels unsettling.

I have an excellent history of decision making and the decisions I have made have never proved me wrong. And by the way, I hate making a decision, I hate the research, planning, analysis and risk involved in making decisions. This is why the idea of home buying and investing make my heart race...those decisions cannot be made based on "gut" feelings? Or can they? If my gut has never steered me wrong, then shouldn't I be applying that same methodology?...something to consider.

In 9th grade my favorite teacher taught us the stock market and we bought and sold fictisously based on the real market. Well, my stock did great, I had bought Best Buy. I bought BB because I knew what BB was, I went with my gut and it paid off big time (well it would have had the money been real and not make-believe-lesson learned).

So what if I pick my stocks based on where I like to shop, my sports teams based on cities I want to visit, and bars based on the cleverness of their names? I am hardly wrong, in fact, my excellent track record in decision making based on my gut has landed me:
-in Chicago which has dramatically improved my life
-in New York City which paved the way for my Chi-move
-in a career that I have up until now found to be very fullfilling
-in many cute and comfortable apartments
-in a darling car which leaks oil but has a smile on its face
-and in love.

I have gained a lot from following my gut, but I fear that as my gut grows (literally), than so do the stakes and potential consequences. The decision that I may very well need to make in the near future is where I want my career to take my geographically. I have narrowed down where I want my career to take me professionally, but soon I will have to decide whether I will be here in Chi, back in Minne, or somewhere New York? All three have their pros and cons, ups and downs, risks and potential gains to be contemplated when the time comes. But the thing is that this decision may present consequences that I am unprepared to face...damned if I do and damned if I don't.

So what does my gut tell me? So far my gut tells me consulting and it tells me that when the time comes I will just know.

In love.

Happy Halloween!

A new day and a new pair of sweats...Vince leggings! Actually, I went the extra mile today and curled my hair in cascading waves a la Carrie Bradshaw and applied the eye-liner to the top and bottom lashes. I looked great and felt great leaving my warm apartment to go and clean the yoga studio (hey, I am saving money for Spain while getting into shape with unlimited free sculpt classes). And now I am drumming up the motivation to get out and do something--like get coffee. Truth be told as I realized last night, I am a bit too comfortable doing nothing. I need to push myself to start doing things again even if those things are just going out for coffee, going to the library, or even window shopping. I need to get out!

The good news is that I am researching new ways to get out via the meetup.org group. A friend of mine has done a few of these group events and has had a good time. I am signed up for the Spanish language meet-up, YP networking, and 20s-30s for fun groups...now its just a matter of committing to an event and going. In my old age of 28 I realize that I am not so afraid trying and doing things on my own...(heck, even at 27 I moved to a new city alone and have lived here for 16 months alone). I now understand that doing things alone does not make me unpopular, pathetic or desperate. Conversely, exploring my interests makes me more interesting, more independent, and more appealing. I like being old!

For the first time in my life I can say that I am happy to be exactly where I am and I would not change a thing (just the 0s on my bank account). I love living in Chicago, I love the friendships in my life and I love that even at a distance, they are fruitful, sharing and meaningful, I love that my life no longer revolves around being single and how now I view being single as a huge advantage, I love my independence and ability to take care of myself, I love the freedom I have to pick and choose my next career, I love that I have a huge support system in my family and friends, I love that for the first time ever I am living up to the person I have pretended to be for so long and that people are recognizing it, I love that I recognize my blessings and that I am starting to live up to my potential.

I came to this city as a single girl seeking an answer to a question: do I believe in love? I expected the answer to be in the form of a tall dark handsome and foreign man, and while I have had a few of those, my answer manifested where I least expected. I found love in life.

thats just me

Happy Halloweve. Apparently, it is the eve to a very special holiday and as everyone keeps reminding me, I should be doing something fabulous, while wearing little more than a leather Snooki ensemble...sorry, but that is one fat suit I don't intend to don. So what, it is Halloween weekend and my costume is an I heart Tokyo t-shirt with C&C sweatpants? Wait a minute, this is scary.

Shouldn't I be terrified that my life is scary every single day? Sweatpants and leggings have replaced skirts and dresses. Eye cream has replaced eye-liner, a ponytail holder has replaced a flat iron. I have officially become old and let myself go.

To be honest, I do mourn my old life. Any other year, I would have dressed all Gaga and had four too many cocktails while possibly making out with the only straight guy at a gay bar. I was that good with my single come-get-me stare. I had the world at my hands, albeit until the clock turned 9:00 and I woke up to a splitting head-ache and the unfortunate memory lapse causing me to question what the hell happened last night? Although it seems ridiculous, I do mourn that life. I felt excited, I felt popular, I felt special, I felt sexy, I felt alive. Unfortunately, more often than not, I also felt regretful, pathetic, sad, lonely, depressed, and let down.

I guess what I feel now is that I do mourn my old life, but I do not miss my old life. I am happy to stay in on Halloweve, watching Sex and the City 2 and drinking a bit of wine. I like this life. What I don't like is everyone else out and about enjoying their Halloweve surrounded by friends and strangers and the Situation. It only serves to remind me that while I like my life very much, I do not feel alive.

I want to like my life and feel alive at the same time. I am getting closer to having it all. And I will have it all and my having it all will not be measured in my ability to dress up as a pop culture tragedy. My version of having it all will be in bed on Halloweve, with my Big, watching an old black and white zombie film. I guess even though the idea of staying in in C&C may sound scary to the old me, to the present me, that's just me.

we were meant to live for so much more

The more things change, the more things change. I have to take a minute and congratulate a very good friend of mine for closing a chapter in her life in order to make room for a new chapter. It seems that like me, she was watching her twenties pass her by as she simultaneously waited for change to happen and dreaded the minute it would happen. She and her man-friend ended a seven year relationship--although they had broken up many many times over the seven years, this to her felt different as it was an agreed, respectful, and loving end to a great love. When you love somebody more than you love yourself, you suffer, you break, you lose sight, you watch your life pass you by.

She bravely is closing the door to that masochist comfort in order to explore a new world where she is living not for another person, but for herself giving herself permission to live up to her limitless potential. She is a talented, intelligent, and strategic individual who can do anything she puts her mind to. Now that she has released herself from the invisible chains of love, she can start living.

As she and I talked about last night, coming to the realization (finally) that our lives were not solely meant to be about men and relationships and love, opens us up to the possibility that we were meant to do more. I don't know quite what that more is at the moment, but I am very excited to find out. :)

happy tires, happy life

I am having some troubles, oil troubles. It seems that my car is leaking oil :( and as I am told, a car should not be leaking oil, something is wrong. In my opinion, one of the best reasons to make a male friend here in the Windy City is to have someone available who can do the guy duty and check the oil. The entire reason CPA and I even happened is because my oil needed to be checked! What can I say other than I am very traditional in my sense of car roles...men are meant to get under the hood and get their hands dirty, and women are meant to stand to the side handing them the right tools (um what's a widget?). And I find that while I am a very advanced and independent girl, I like my girly ways, meaning, I like to be taken care of.

I guess this is why so many girls end up marrying men like their fathers. They crave the security, the stability, and the protective nature their dads have provided them all their lives. And I can't blame them. The older I get the more and more I notice and seek men who remind me of my dad.

Danny sure does. Danny is certainly insane and nothing like my father in many ways, but in the ways it matters, he is entirely like my father. The number one way Danny reminds me of my Dad is in his concern for my safety. My Dad has coached me since I was born to be safe and smart: to have street smarts, to have a winter tool-kit in my car, to always drive with a half a tank or more of gas, to not talk on the phone while driving, to always be aware of my surroundings, to always lock my doors, to frequently change my online passwords, to use a landline when giving out personal info, etc, etc. Danny is the same way albeit more extreme. He insists I call him when I get home from my evening yoga classes or book meetings. He waits in his car in the street until he sees the light come on in my apartment, he forces me to get out of bed and lock the third (is that really necessary) lock behind him, he scolds me every time I use a credit card instead of cash, he makes sure I unplug my internet connection when not using, he scares me into getting in for regular health check-ups, and on and on. Just like my dad, Danny is concerned for my general safety and well-being in a very serious way. There is comfort in knowing that if anything ever happens to me, Danny will be the first to know and with-in hours, and he would be the one to find me. Its just too bad no one knows Danny. There are other ways that Danny reminds me of my dad, but generally its because of their shared concern for my welfare and financial state.

A cute story my dad told me while he was helping me wax my car, is how when he and my mom first started dating, my dad used a special chrome polish on her tires to get the goo off. Not sure if he was trying to impress her, or if he was just a bit OCD. I guess my mom was a smart lady and must have assumed that a man who would polish and take care of your tires would be a man who would polish and take care of you in life. When I had my oil leak (must be the year) I obviously called Danny. Although he is entirely detained this week on a tax deadline, he offered to come over to look under my car and fill my oil. And he did just that. He came over (from way out of his way) and checked my oil, filled it up, and looked for the problem area. He then told me he would call his mechanic and decide what to do next. He kissed me goodnight and that was that, back to taxes. My dad polishing my mom's tires, is Danny filling my oil...it tells me that this is someone I can count on, this is someone I want around to polish my life.

How do you like them apples?

I had a near perfect day yesterday. Maybe I would go so far as to consider it a perfect day, a perfect day for a regular day anyway.

This was a first in the tale of Danny and I. We spent the day together. It was almost as though we were real. Of course as with all of my relationships, this feeling is fleeting as nothing lasts, the day comes to an end and I turn back into a pumpkin...is that how the story goes?

Danny spent the night, on purpose. His version of spending the night is coming over at 6:00am and spending my morning/his night. I didn't really even mind this...I was able to get my sleep in (I am a very picky sleeper) but then wake-up next to him and feel happy. We got up around 12:00 and headed out on a day journey to this very specific apple farm three hours away in Michigan. He insisted on this favorite apple farm as it is Martha Stewart recommended and they carry the most varieties of apples and trees. Apparently, there is more to apples than just Honeycrisp and Red Delicious. A lot more. For example, there are varieties of apples that still exist that Mr. George Washington and Mr. Johnny Appleseed would have eaten...cool right?

This is the thing about Danny. He knows something about everything and if he doesn't know something about something, he at least knows he doesn't know it...get it? Meaning a silly apple outing is more than just picking apples for fun, it is serious business...he knows the different varieties of apples, how long they will keep, which to use with cooking, which to make cider with, which to eat when, etc. And then it gets complicated: the trees. Which tree produces which apples, how tall it will be, how vast, how many apples, how to prune, when to prune, how to graft (which is apparently sodding a different variety of apple onto a host tree or something). Seriously, huh? There is a lot to know about apples. When he told me I needed to bring at least $100 with for the apples, I thought he was kidding. But oh no, he spent at least $150 on apples and a new tree. I spent $10 on the important stuff--cider and jelly. Yummy, we are going to drink spiced run and apple cider this weekend :). So our apple outing was more than an apple outing, it was an education.

And the education didn't stop there, rather it started in the car ride to the Wolverine State. When I say that he knows about everything, he really does, and it is in great detail. Our sweet pleasant fall drive was filled with 6 hours (round trip) of him talking, non-stop. This man can talk. The theme for the car ride was a music education. From the history of punk to the earliest music ever recorded (fiddling) I heard it all. Names, dates, styles, venues, history, smack, tragedies, politics, war, racism, roots, genius. Amazing what there is to know and amazing to know someone who wants to know and finds out.

I find Danny to be completely astounding. He is truly unique and his desire for knowledge (because knowledge is cool and more so because knowledge is power) is insatiable. He wants to know as much as he can about as much as he can and what is left is a man who is as informed about apples as he is about resume writing and job hunting, as he is about the war in Mexico, as he is about the state of the Republic of the Congo, as he is about making a living with a few clicks of the mouse. He is astounding.

But then he is also still him: sex obsessed, totally unattainable, temperamental, paranoid, forgetful, always late, frequently canceling, voyeuristic, and certainly dark. But I guess what I have found is that with him it is worth it. In order to ever clearly see and appreciate the light you have to find your way through the dark. As I have said before, his darkness is bringing me into the light and that my friends feels nice.

Twenty eight is fantastic.

Twenty eight is fantastic. This is surprising to me as I assumed turning 28 (do you know that makes me more than 10,220 days old!?) would be horrible, awful, painful, depressing, meaningless, and inconsequential. However, I could not have been more wrong. 21 days into age 28 and I feel really good and I feel really different.

For me, the 3 biggest changes I have experienced since becoming 28 are:
-cleavage and overall breast enlargement, seriously its sick
-lack of concern with appearance
-the blinders come off and a sense of reality comes in

1. Cleavage. At first I thought it was just the bra, but then other people started to notice my enhancement. Its not that I gained a cup size or anything, it is more so that my breasts have gotten fuller and more apparent. I have cleavage for the first time in my life and its fantastic! My breasts are fantastic (ok that was a SATC Samantha quote). FYI this also happened to a very good friend of mine who suddenly as a 32B sometimes C was suddenly unintentionally leading with her breasts. As my friend San would say, "put those away"!

2. Lack of concern with appearance. This may have actually set in during the summer when I suddenly just stopped styling my hair before work. I went from curling every section meticulously, to a quick blow out, add a change in part, and off I go. I haven't worn eye-liner in I can't tell you how long, and I often wear the same outfits twice in one week. I have let myself go.

Let me give you an example of how low I have gone...last week I was in town visiting family, friends, and Big. Big invited me to spend the week with him and I did...more on this in a minute. Now, I have always made sure I looked exactly perfect when around him, and if I ever spent the night I would be sure it was in something slightly sexy. After not seeing him in over 3 months, you would think I would put on little more than my birthday suit to greet him. Instead, I wore sweatpants and my Mom's MN sweatshirt. And, things didn't improve over the week where each night I would get ready for bed as if I would be sleeping outdoors at the top of Everest. Now, that he loves me anyway is surely something. My dear friend also said that this is just a stage and that at the age of 30 you suddenly snap out of it. Please God, let this stage be over, I miss feeling pretty.

3. The blinders come off, reality sets in. This is somewhat self-explanatory as I have already explained how this has happened with my job: if I want a certain lifestyle I need to make it happen, I can't wait for it to happen to me.

Also, this has happened with Big. It was a Monday night when I first knew for sure that I could not possibly get back together with Big. He has been asking for a few months now for us to get back together and for me to be his girlfriend, and I have hesitated. That Monday night, sitting next to him in his place he shares with another guy, I knew. I can't get back together with Big, he and I are in two totally different places. His lifestyle resembles that of a frat guy or worse, that of a loser. His financial state is always in ruins and he has not quite figured out what it takes to get a grown up job. I have always known this about him, but my blinders have allowed me to look past these shortcomings. Well, I can't do that anymore, I am 28. So I told him as much. He was disappointed but he has taken it remarkably well. The thing is that he knew and expected this. He needs to be a better and more successful man in order to be with me, and he truly wants to be that man. If he figures it out, then great, he has a shot with me. If not, then I need to find someone else. Either way, I am not waiting to find out. I am choosing to live my life and go after what I want without regard for how it will affect other people. Meaning, I am sorry if it will hurt his feelings if I find someone new, but I need to live my life for me, not for him.

Next up, 30 years old and conversations revolving only around slow metabolism and anti-wrinkle cream. I better enjoy the next 709 days!

A changed woman, now what?

A changed woman? How you may ask? Well to be honest, I am a changed woman because I have accepted the fact that I need to change who I am in order to change who I am. Now, if you're like me, this may sound appalling (as appalling as the suggestion of settling for a paper man)--I mean, aren't we taught to celebrate who we are, as we are? We are taught that we are free to be you and me and to embrace our own and others' differentiating characteristics. Ironic because it is our differentiating characteristics that society and our peers judge so critically. Well I could certainly go on (as could we all) about these invisible pressures but I don't want to lose my point. My point: it is I who needs to change, I need to change who I am without compromising who I am in order to change who I am. Are you with me?

Once again I will reiterate that I do like myself. I really like me. I have many great qualities like loyalty, dependability, reliability, acceptance. And while I have always been willing to admit my shortcomings/less than stellar qualities, I have accepted them as acceptably permanent. Meaning that I have used my character flaws to rationalize not doing things, and worse, to displace blame onto circumstance rather than laziness. I don't really like to use the word laziness as I don't think it fully applies. In many ways I am lazy, but this lack of change is two-fold, lack of awareness that I need to change, and lack of confidence that I can change. Are you still with me?

Let's use my career as an example. I have worked for the same company for 9 years and have enjoyed great job satisfaction and several promotions. My post-college job opportunity happened by coincidence actually--a friend of a friend knew of an opportunity-- and I easily landed the job. From there my career unfolded as I was naturally very good at what I did. I was a happy girl for many years until I found myself turned 28 and feeling stuck in my job and industry and depressing pay grade. I found myself no longer just happy to be where I was, I found myself wanting more. This is a very uncomfortable place to be in for a girl who has lived a lifetime in complacency. Worse, this realization is terrifying as I have come to the conclusion that I need to create change with-in myself in order to be able to attract and attain the new career path that I desire.

Initially when I decided I wanted a new job, I called a very successful friend of mine and I asked for help. I said to her "I don't know how to to this! What if I can't do this? What if I don't have the skills? How do you write a resume? Do I really need a cover letter? This is way too hard." Now I didn't realize that I was being a bit lazy and somewhat pathetic by suggesting I were incapable to figure this out on my own. I think I just felt the process to be too overwhelming that I didn't know if I had what it takes to go through the gauntlet from beginning to end. But, as I started to just do (researching, job searching, resume writing, etc, etc) I finally accepted three things:
1. this job search thing is so much more complicated then I originally thought.
2. I need to learn how to do this, I need to learn how to do it well, and I need to be strategic and forward thinking about where I want to be long-term. Meaning, I cannot just let my wonderful friend help get me a new job, I need to help myself get me a new career.
3. To really commit myself to this arduous journey, I need to change who I am. I need to go from being complacent to ambitious, from cramming before an exam to completing hours and hours of research, from avoiding competition to proving I am the best, to not negotiating and accepting status quo to negotiating everything.

The good news is that by accepting these as truth, the outcome will be that I am changing myself in extremely positive ways, and eventually I will be able to get exactly what I want by deserving it, not by feeling entitled to it. I will become that truly awesome and better version of myself that I have been aspiring to!

I know that this will be extremely hard and challenging for me and I am certainly not looking forward to this journey, but I am also strangely excited. In a way I feel empowered by life and awake to its possibilities. That's a nice place to be.

a changed woman

Hello Readers!

Welcome back to myself! Sorry for my hiatus--it seemed that my will to write had suffered from this thing called "happiness" --my days of writing poetry inspired by feelings of a poor tortured single girl are over. Happy girls can be clever and witty right? I promise not to go too happy or "Pollyanna" on you readers, I am happy but I still have my pride.

Well, there is no point in trying to catch you up on two months of stuff that would fit nicely into Pandora's Box, instead I will just summarize by saying the more things change, the more things change. Let me write that again (pay attention to the drama): the more things change, the more things change.

I have always been a believer in the more commonly used phrase: the more things change the more they stay the same. I had 27 years of living proof that while things "changed" nothing changed. Although my life ventured 400 miles east, nothing was really different. I still was semi-in-love with the same guy, I had the same thinkless job, I had the same social friends, I watched the same episodes of Law & Order, I felt the same feelings of self-doubt and resentment, I ate the same cheese and drank the same Purple Moon, I had the same bad habits, I had the same spending habits, and I had the same desire to just sit and watch/wait for my life to happen. I had 27 years of experience allowing myself to indulge in selfish and lazy attitudes and beliefs such as: I don't know how to write a resume so I can't get a new job, I don't know how to attract that perfect man so I will settle for any man, I don't know how to ask for what I want so I will accept what I get, I don't know how to manage my money so I will just keep spending, I don't know how to make small talk so I will avoid people, and the list goes on. I was under the the comfortable spell of I don't know how, therefore I can't. Translation: I would rather not try, I would rather do nothing.

Now part of me still feels that way, I would rather not try, I would rather do nothing, but here's what: I am no longer a girl who only has 27 years of not doing, I am a 28 year old woman who is doing.

I would certainly love to credit all of this change to myself, and I do owe some to the magic age of 28 (I certainly owe my newly sprouted cleavage to 28) but truly I attribute a lot of these changes to Danny. Yes, Danny and I are still in our loverationship--he likes to point out how he is practically my longest relationship ever. Sure, after my next longest relationship (as a masochist) with Big, I suppose he is.

I feel that any description I were to offer of Danny now would be somehow be misleading, shocking, confusing, and it would be completely off-base. Although I have offered some explanation of him in the past, now knowing him better I feel that I can not even begin to describe him in a way that would do him any kind of justice. Just know this, in just a few months he has had more of a dramatic impact on my life in a positive way than any one single person I have ever known. He has changed me.

Stay tuned ;)

my not so Great Wall

Poor neglected August, here it is the 7th and I have not yet written. My excuse? Still dealing with writer's block. And I have been in a slightly off mood lately possibly a result of physically not feeling so hot... :(. Oh well, life goes on.

So after a very fun weekend with my Minne lover, I spent the rest of the week getting together with Danny, meeting with my book club, and having coffee with a new friend. My new friend is a Japanese harmonica player who my other weekend house-guest fell in love with...I played matchmaker and "picked" her up on his behalf. She is a very sweet girl, but doesn't know a bit of English...I did manage to learn "ar-i-ga-toh", thank you, in Japanese. I also got her CD--blues and reggae--will make a great gift for my parents.

I am also very happy to say that a new member from my book club suggested we get together for dinner some night...she knows how hard it can be to meet new people and offered her company--how nice, I am so excited!


And then the Danny drama--yes there was a bit of drama. First of all, he was not thrilled that I had an ex-FWB in town--although we are "allowed" to see other people, it is only under the strictest don't ask don't tell policy. Ie if he knows about it, then it will change things and he wouldn't want to continue seeing me outside of platonic friendship. I talked him down from his worst-case cliff and I certainly learned my lesson--too much honesty can be a bad thing. We have been fine ever since, except for our minor tiff about him calling me "mean" and my not liking it. I think I reacted by picking a fight, the whole "well, if you think I mean then you shouldn't be spending time with me..." defense, and I then I sulked for a minute. My overreaction aside, it did bother me that he thinks that I am mean at times (okay, fine, I do not have the best phone demeanor), because I feel like I am probably trying to be witty and he is mistaking it as mean--how does he not get my sense of humor? And I will admit too that at times, I can be ever so harmlessly mean--it is a defense mechanism/Great Wall that I sometimes hide behind to protect myself against anything that I perceive could hurt me, like truth and reality.

What I am saying is that at times I resent Danny for his many "friends", his double standards, and his exhausting, complicated, honest assessment of the world and of people. Sometimes I hide behind my wall because around him I feel like a total idiot--I don't know a thing about anything--I don't know history, I don't know finance, I don't know mathematics, I don't know philosophy, I don't know politics or current events, I don't know anything about anything and I am watching listening to him go on and on about important things, and I am silent, unable to contribute with anything but my obvious and not at all endearing, naivety. I have banned him from meeting friends of mine as I am afraid that he is going to react to their intelligence and wonder what he is doing with me?

And yet another reason that I am occasionally "mean", more like guarded, is because I resent myself and the universe. I have tried so hard to define what I want for myself and my life, and I have worked like crazy to enhance my self-image to attract and be open to, but specific about, the kind of man and relationship I want. And what do I so naturally fall into? A glorified and repackaged FWB, the exact relationship I was trying to avoid. Does the universe really have that big of a sense of humor, or am I attracting these relationships because I secretly want them, because I think that I am only worth dating as an FWB, or because I am biding my time with them until Big comes around? Well, I know that last statement is not true any longer as I am really OVER Big, I know that I think I think I am worth really being with, I don't think I am secretly only wanting FWBs, and come on, the universe is not funny, it is full of shit.

So my take? I do not want the paper man, I want the perfect man. Unfortunately, what lies between the paper man and the perfect man is the FWB. So because I am rejecting the paper men, I am indulging FWBs because they are interesting and I think that they somehow get me closer to the perfect man.

Unfortunately, at the end I bet it will be the universe that is laughing and not me.

PS. At least Danny is opening me up to these new subjects and I am starting to develop an interest and curiosity in learning.

Just say yes?

It seems that as my life has gotten busier, I have so much less to say--go figure. Let's see, in a one run on paragraph update, here is what's happening:

Danny and I stayed in on Sunday night where he protected my computer from all the bad in the world and tomorrow we have plans to go grocery shopping...wow, we are so domestic! Big is en route to Minne. Jordan is still en Europe. My stalker has agreed to pay for my plane ticket and two night hotel stay in NYC to visit him at the end of August. And last, My Venezuelan is coming to Chi for the weekend and staying chez moi.

Although it may seem like there are too many men in my playground, the truth is that I have been 100% honest with Danny, Big and my Stalker--they know where they stand and what my position is. Now, with Jordan and Venezuela, well, Jordan and I are not there yet, and Venezuela is pure recreation. When I do become serious with someone then I will gladly refrain from recreational hot men.

And I am still excited about Danny. Ironically, considering he is the most non-traditional man in every sense, he and I are in what I would consider to be the most "traditional" relationship that I have ever been in. It is really wonderful, and it is also very sad that I have never had that stability in the past. Danny is the first person outside of my dear old Dad, who has wanted to protect me--Danny tries to protect me in every way from making sure I lock my door properly, to checking my oil, to securing my computer, to teaching me how to cook healthy foods, to teaching me finance, to walking on the outside on the sidewalk, to never ever trying to take advantage of me or pressure me in any way. I consider myself to be extremely independent (although not by choice), but I have to say that I really appreciate his concern for my welfare...he cares. Which is why its kind of sad that he cares, but the fact will always remain that I could be anybody--it not so much me as it is that he and I are seeing each other--its really too hard to explain. I will continue to enjoy and keep my eyes open and doors locked!

And I have to admit that this NYC thing is bothering me. Since I met my Stalker 4 years ago he has made promise after promise after promise of things he would do for me. It started with a Gucci watch and then went to a Gucci watch encrusted with diamonds, and then to tires for my car, and then to tickets to NYC, and then a visit to Chi, etc, etc. The fact is that he has never followed through on anything, ever. Here's the thing, I am not the type of person who accepts generosities from men...I am the girl who if you buy me a drink at the bar, I will pay for the next round. I have never once accepted gifts from Stalker or really any other man. But the thing about it is that I am tired of Stalker's teasing. He needs to stop saying this stuff because it gets my hopes up and that is not fair to me. I am not trying to take advantage of him, he knows that, so why the tease?

So this last time I had had enough in a way. Okay, you want to pay for me to fly out to NYC, you're on, this is when I am coming. He said okay, said he would send me the money, said he would even stay with a friend instead of share my hotel. So, we are all set right? Well, I thought I could go through with it, but then as I clarified for the 100th time, this is platonic, don't expect anything to change. He said okay that's fine, but then he asked "why do you want to come?". And there my inability to accept gifts where I will feel indebted reared its ugly head. What are my intentions and can I honestly say they are with merit and integrity, I don't know.

Here is why I think I want to go to NYC. I want to go to NYC, I want to get out of Chicago, I have no money to do either, I want to see Stalker (even if it meant he came here, I would want to see him). But are those reasons enough to accept his generosity of what would amount to close to $600? I know he can afford it, and you know, maybe this time I just need to say yes. Darling readers, what do you think?

(And sorry for my less than stellar writing tonight--its that damn writer's block. Also possibly a symptom that I am happy and not such a tortured-single soul, at the moment anyway.)

A very single weekend

Just a quick update as I have ample time. This has been the first weekend in months that I haven't had plans. I have spent the entire weekend alone, and I have to say that I am really enjoying it. Now I will see Danny tomorrow so I will avoid spending three days solo and will avoid slitting my wrists--kidding of course.

Not that this weekend hasn't been busy. It has been chock-full of emotional weight that started on Thursday night. Thursday night brought on an emotional conversation that was way overdue. I am glad that it happened as we were able to clear the air and come to terms with what is, but it did leave me a bit exhausted, and worse it left me a bit unmoved. I guess when you come to terms with accepting yourself, it is easier to let go of those that don't. Of course, it is still a loss, and as with any loss, feelings sometimes are too hard to put into words.

Then there was the conversation with Big last night--(details available in "what a girl doesn't want").

And then there is the fact that almost every conversation with Danny has a hot and a cold aspect to it. No, no, not every interaction with Danny leads to warm butterfly feelings and growth. Generally, spending time with him entails him talking and blithering endlessly on every topic imaginable, and him unintentionally lecturing me on certain truths. Truth be told I generally love every minute of his speeches as I now know so much I would have never known from why one shouldn't eat caviar to the exact details of Howard Hughes life and demise. He knows something about everything and I love it. But what I don't love is that I am always on the defensive around him. I feel like there is no reason he should like me and therefore I treat everything he says with a certain defensive guard. He likes me, so why can't I let it be? And obviously, I have to live with the fact that he likes me, but he also likes other people. I am special, but I am really not that special, I am attractive, but everyone has attractive qualities, I am interesting, but everyone is interesting in different ways, I am brave for moving to a new city, but everyone here is a transient, etc, etc. Now, to be clear, Danny says only the former statements and not necessarily the latter. He likes me, but it is me pointing out that he likes everyone so it doesn't really mean anything for him to like me. So I am defensive and I am trying my best to accept our relationship for what it is. But what if I fall in love with him? I might. He thinks I surely will.

Danny is so different from the man I initially thought he was. He is still a vulgar and inappropriate asshole, but he is in a way that is entirely informed. Every thing he says is premeditated and has specific, if not ironic, intent. His whole existence is centered around the idea of questioning everything--and he does and so his understanding of the world, the politics, the technology, the language, the everything has background in research. And he knows so much. And its scary. He is a genius in some ways, and I told him that I think that it is a little bit sad that he is being "wasted", he obviously disagrees and thinks that for him to do anything he would need multi-billions of dollars to affect change. His contribution therefore is to not have kids and to use as little resources (energy, etc) as possible. Yea, I could fall in love with him. That sucks.

Jordan texted me from Madrid yesterday. He is drinking Sangria and will let me know when he's back...very cute.

My Venezuelan facebooked and said he may be in town this weekend and he wants to go to the beach. (I kind of doubt he'll make it, but I probably shouldn't eat starting Wednesday, just in case)

And Big called again today. He was a bit less dramatic and said that he thought more about things and said that a lot of what I said made sense. We don't necessarily know each other anymore. And so he asked me on a date. That in it of itself is a huge step for him and I truly believe that it is without the air of manipulation. I think he genuinely wants to go on a proper date because we haven't gone on one since we were initially getting together. So yes, Big I will go on a date with you :).

what a girl doesn't want

Big asked me to stop seeing other people. I said no. That is my life in a nut shell, and by the way, it seems my nut shell is covered in titanium as I feel completely unmoved by his plea and sudden attempt to be with me. As you may recall, a few weeks ago I finally admitted to him that I was seeing other people, nothing serious, just dating. He initially took it well. As the shock and surprise has worn off he is now very hurt and very aware of what this may mean for our us...like the reality that he and I may not have a present or a future.

I guess I appreciate the fact that he is suddenly afraid of losing me, but as I said, a part of me is completely unmoved. As I, perhaps cruelly, said to him, it feels like the SATC episode in which Carrie is moving to Paris with Alexandre and Big suddenly shows up. Exasperated, she says (and I am paraphrasing), "you always do this, its like you have some kind of radar, oh, Carrie's happy time to come in and shit all over it". I feel like my Big is doing the same thing--he can feel me slipping away, and so he is desperately reacting in order to keep ahold of me.

Anyway, I told him that I am not going to stop dating other people. And I finally said the unsaid, what if we have nothing in common, what if our values and our goals don't match, what if he only feels this way about me when things in his life aren't going well, what if he never finds financial stability, what if the love isn't enough, what if the love is gone? I said everything that has been left unsaid for so long, because it had to be said, our future depends on it. He took it pretty hard, he really didn't see it coming, he thought I loved him and I would be there and wait while he worked things out. I guess I led him the believe such.

Now with all of that said, the hardest part for me has been the guilt I feel around not feeling, well, anything. He is professing his love and desire for me and it leaves me completely unmoved. What I used to crave and need to hear, he is spoon feeding me willing to give in to all my desires. But I don't want to hear it, I find it inconvenient and burdensome. I guess I feel like I have moved on and I don't want to go back. Because I feel this way I feel incredibly guilty. How when I know the devastation I felt when he rejected me all those years ago, how could I possibly cause him that same pain? But I also need to be honest, and for the first time in my life, I have to put myself first.

While I certainly feel that way, I cannot not consider the possibility that I am making a huge mistake. I mean am I throwing away the possibility of being in a relationship with the only man I have ever truly loved, for Danny? Danny and I don't have a future, there is absolutely no possibility, sorry to disappoint you hopeful romantics, so how can I wager the possibility of it working out with Big for a man who will never meet my long-term needs. I cannot throw Big away for Danny. But, in a way its what I am willing to do. In the few short months I have known Danny he has changed me, inherently. I am not ready to give up a man who can change me and help me grow for someone who has been the ultimate reason behind my fear of rejection, my eroded self confidence, and my disillusioned feelings of self-worth.

So once again, no, I will not stop seeing Danny or any other guy. I want to know whats out there, I want to grow, I want to change, I want to flirt, I want to be fawned over, I want to be made to feel like I am special, I want to feel comfortable, I want to feel open, and I want to feel like anything is possible. I want so many things, and yet I really can't articulate what I definitively want in life. But I think I am getting closer to truly knowing. As I asked a friend of mine last night, how is it that she knows exactly what she wants out of life and I don't? Her response is that she has been able to define what she wants by first defining what she doesn't want. I guess that I can say for a fact that what I don't want is a relationship with Big because I feel obligated. As this wise woman also said, because I have chased after him for so long, it, him, the chase, has become my identity. And because it is part of who I am, I feel obligated to have him in my life and my future always. Big is not my identity at least any more--and as Danny says, what does identity mean anyway, true "identity" doesn't even exist.

To leave myself an out, I am not saying that there is absolutely no chance that Big and I will eventually work out, we may in fact. I just know that if he and I have any chance in the world, things will have to change. In the meantime I am happy to continue seeing Danny for right now, and I am happy to continue searching for someone new who can make my dreams come true. And by the way, I think that I am brave enough to say that I probably don't want the paper life, I tried it, but as I said, I am not the paper kind of girl.

the light side of the dark

I did a very brave thing today. I cancelled my cable television! How am I possibly going to fill my time if not by watching hours and hours of Criminal Mind marathons?!? An intervention was surely needed. Too much murder.

With no more cable I will have ample opportunity to work-out, learn to cook, job search, apartment search, find myself, make a budget, create a bucket list, learn to make clothes, become a famous bra designer, and more! I know, I know, who am I kidding? I don't "work-out" and I sure don't cook outside of slicing cheese. So what am I really going to do with my time? Well, I will read, do some yoga, and hopefully actually find myself and my direction. Now that I am good at life and am growing more confident by the day, the possibilities are endless. Well that is what they say anyway.

Danny and I had this conversation last night as it were. The conversation was about limitations. He feels like there really are no limitations. Like if one loses an arm, they just learn to use the other arm better. He feels that power is endless, we just need to learn to make the best of our strengths.

While I am sure that to most of you Danny seems like kind of a creep--and he is, he is a completely vulgar, crude, antagonizing, dark, tortured, frustrating, don't introduce him to anyone you know, kind of guy, but he is also the most intelligent, most interesting, most considerate/caring, most informed, most consistent, and most honest guy I have ever known. He is changing me. How you may ask? Well, I am becoming more honest, I am trying to recognize and use my personal power, I am also starting to seek out information, and I am locking all of my door-locks, among many many other things. He really is changing me by making me curious and more safe.

There is one thing that he said that is kind of bothering me. He said that his biggest fear is that he will be wasting my time because what if during the time I am spending with him, I could be missing the opportunity to meet a guy who would make me happy. He will never ever be a guy who you could have an actual relationship with. Certainly not a guy who would do the marriage or children thing. He is just content as is. He wants to date as many people as he can--even at the same time. So he is a little afraid that I will become too attached and want things from him that he can't give me. I really think that he is most concerned for me, and not for him. And he knows that he is not going anywhere, at least probably not, so he will continue seeing me as we are for as long as I want.

Now the reason that I am annoyed is because somehow I have managed to take this kind intentioned comment to mean something else...like somehow he is saying that I am weak or naive or doing something wrong. I hate to feel like I am making a mistake. I feel like making mistakes makes you look bad. And I don't want to seem wrong here. So come on, I need to go on the defensive right? I have my eyes wide open so give me some credit.

Obviously, I am reading into his words which I am apparently not allowed to do as he says. So I guess I will take him at face value, that he is not trying to make me look bad, he is just acknowledging the obvious. I am not going to get what I want out of life, out of him. For someone so dark, he sure shows me the light. And he does have a very real and valid point. I answered him simply stating that if by knowing him I am becoming a better, more honest, more curious, more confident, and smarter me, then he is not wasting my time, not at all in fact because this better version of me will be able to attract and evoke the better version of those around me.

a late night party girl hook-up I am not

In considering your very random communication I can tell you are not interested in knowing me outside of "late night". FYI not interested nor impressed. No need to contact me again. Best.

That dear readers is the text message I sent to 50th floor Jordan last night. Wow, this honesty thing is almost going to far, almost.

Our conversation followed as:
him: Are you referring to my call this eve??? I just called to say hello..not sure what is wrong with calling to say hello..
me: Obviously nothing. I can't figure your intentions, but a late night party girl hook-up I am not. A nice cocktail, a nice invite, that's a different story.
him: Ok your wish is granted! but you might have to wait a couple weeks or so for that nice cocktail invite because I might be going to Europe this weekend.
him: Ok?? Are we good? :)
me: Sure, let me know when you're back in town.

So what prompted this little exchange? Well, first let me remind you that I have not seen Jordan since our swim together over a month ago. Since our deep dive, sporadic late night texting and occasional calls have followed. And then there is last weekend when he asked me to hang out after a work dinner which would, at the latest, run until 11:00pm. I agreed (and cancelled on Danny) only after he reassured me it would most likely be earlier and not later. Obviously due to my strict you-must-cancel-on-me policy, it wasn't until 12:40am that he was available to hang out, and he still considered that to be early. Not in my world as I was in bed at 11:00pm. He was "sorry". I was pretty annoyed and mad but I let it go and said that it was fine. The next night he called me at 3:30am to see if I was still out?? Um, no. I then suggested that we try to get together for a happy hour during the week, and even directly invited him to one on Monday. He had "plans" on Monday and didn't bother to suggest an alternative date.

So I guess when he called at a normal 9:00pm last night I had high hopes. Instead he asked what I was up to, sounded disappointed when I said I was watching the news and not "out", and then let me go without the mention of future plans. Possibly on the slightly dramatic side, I sent him the afforescripted text.

Danny always tells me that I have a lot of power, I just don't use it. Instead I always let the guy take the lead and treat me however he so lazily chooses which always results in dating the same guys over and over again--guys who don't put in effort, guys who are sporadic and unpredictable, guys who are not interested in me outside of occasional FWBs. I am tired of that! And I need to be the one to take the control, assert my power, and change things!

No matter how much fun I have found dating to be, I really still am looking for that elusive "relationship". I crave the comfort and consistency a relationship can provide. Sure, it has been fun to spend time with Vegas, but it ultimately is just disappointing that he has not wanted to take it to the next level. I find that to be unacceptable and I am no longer so desperate that I need to try really hard and keep him interested out of boredom (as I did w/ CPA). Instead I am done with Vegas; which is fine as I really don't know if I can do paper after all.

And I am sad to say this, but even part of the novelty of Danny's and my "loverationship" has worn off. I find myself liking him too much and I find myself becoming frustrated when he can't hang out because he is hanging out with another "friend". Its like I am feeling these pangs of jealousy which are mild, but still I didn't expect them to be there at all. This is not to say that I would ever want to be in a true traditional relationship w/ Danny, he really is not of that quality, but I would prefer if he didn't have other "friends" and if he could occasionally spend the night. I am glad that I generally see him twice a week and that we talk every day--I guess there is comfort in that. As I told him on Wednesday, the reason I do like him is because he is making a very evasive and uncurious person by nature, honest and curious--and this honesty and curiosity is changing me.

the things we don't say

Now more than ever I am seeing how honesty and disclosure are strengths and not weaknesses. As I said in a recent post, I felt like if I were honest about certain things in my life, then I would appear weak and imperfect. There is that word again, perfect. For you long-term avid followers, you know that appearance and perfection are consistent themes in my posts. I have always felt like appearing to be happy and perfect was far more important than actually feeling such. I think that I am not alone possibly in leading my life that way. The reality however was that I wasn't good at appearing like I had it all together, I was for awhile, but then things started going wrong and I started to overindulge in the drinking, partying, and one-night stands. But that all was okay wasn't it? I mean I was cool, I was busy, I was living. In reality I was drowning, a daily victim of regret, embarrassment, and diminishing self-esteem. And once again to offer up honesty, there in lies the reason that my moving to Chi-ville was absolutely necessary and the right thing to do.

It didn't always seem like the right thing to do. There were many days and times when I would say to my best friend, "I know that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, but I do not understand why I am here, I can't find the reason for it." Many months later I have my answer; and it wasn't my life coach or my financial coach or my spiritual growth that led me to my answers, it has been the peace I have started to find within that has left me with a new joie de vivre. This innerpeace has perpetuated itself through my ability to finally accept myself and my "flaws" and to love them each as they are. Feel free to roll your eyes here, to paraphrase my favorite Firth, I love me just as I am. In a way I have always loved me as I am, but because I was so sensitive and influenced by how other people have felt about me, I have often felt in the wrong, that my feelings didn't matter, and that it was okay if people treated me poorly because I clearly deserved it.

My blithering aside, my point is that I am learning a (several) lesson(s) much overdue: that it is okay to be honest, that showing vulnerability makes us human, and that we need to be who we are all the time and be proud of it and to hell with anyone who doesn't like us for us. For some of us the challenge is letting go of destructive relationships or draining friendships, for others it might be reaching out to our best friends and family risking difficult and uncomfortable conversations when we know we have to, and for some (including us single ladies) it might be having the courage and self-respect to state our relationship goals and objectives to possible matches and ask for theirs in return.

And by the way I need to get better at all three, most notably the last one as I have always lived and abided by a strict don't ask don't tell policy. I am going to do my best though, and in doing my best to be more open, I think that I can change my life and change the lives of those around me, even if just in a small way. And the reason I know this is because there is a friend of mine who has newly found strength in opening up and letting people in to see her life as it is, not as the mirage it seemed to be. What I mean is that to the outside world looking in her life was perfect, but in reality, for her, it was far from. Her bravery and vulnerability in opening up and letting people in to see her truth has been transforming to her, but also to myself in a way. I look at her and the trials and tribulations she is going through and I am moved, I am saddened, I am excited, I am inspired, I am speechless, and most of all I am proud and in admiration of her strength, bravery, courage, and heart. She is teaching me every day (and I am also teaching her), how to be proudly honest in life. Honesty with other people only comes after we are honest with ourselves.

To my friend: I love you, I support you, I admire you, and I am inspired by you, you are my making me a better me and I promise to help make you a better (happier) you.

Not so single weekend

How do you date like a man? This single life is getting a little complicated--in a good way :).

So this weekend I have three, yes 3, dates lined up. I have set up 3 dates to fill up my 3 night weekend, Fri, Sat, and Sun. Friday I will be seeing Jordan, Sat night is reserved for Vegas, and Sunday night is promised to Danny (originally I was to see Danny Friday night but I had to bump him due to 50th floor). Wow, did I just officially turn into a guy?

I am not sure I can keep up this "guy" lifestyle, but it is certainly worth a try, I mean after all, what is the harm? Seems like a dangerous question as I am surely in dangerous territory.

The thing about it is that I like all three guys at least as much as the other. Not true, as I am partial to Danny due to our open relationship and mutual understanding. Spending time with him is easy. He and I are actually in a relationship, more like a loverationship. We are "lovers" (draw your own conclusions but this does not necessarily mean only the "sex"), and we are friends. We are in a loverationship as defined as a relationship in a proper sense, but with the freedom to see other people. For example, we talk almost daily as he has a genuine concern for my well-being (like I have to call him when I am safe after a plane ride or a 7 hour car ride, or he will call me if there is severe weather, etc.). He would adhere to proper family functions if I so permitted and he is not going to leave me or break things off ever. I will need to be the one to stop seeing him once I find the actual relationship that I am looking for. Once this happens he will be sad but as long as I treat the "end" with respect and dignity then he will always regard me favorably. Wow, this is really new to me. Both comfort and security possible with one guy? Crazy. Of course this is not the long term w/ a future relationship I am looking for, but he is adding value to my life and to my self-esteem.

Next I guess I am in favor of Jordan. Not only do I like the view of Chicago from his balcony, but he has the culture, joy of travel, appreciation for fashion, and accent that I so love. It is darling. Unfortunately, this Jordan version of my Venezuelan is all about the party and not about the relationship.

Last I am in favor of Vegas. I can't really tell if I do or do not like him. I have had to do all of the recent texting and suggesting to make a date. He is a good guy but very very paper with good enough written all over him. I do like him despite that, and I am looking forward to seeing him.

So there you go. A single girl does Chicago like a man.

Honestly, more honesty

Honesty is catchy. My full disclosure with Danny left me craving more honesty and these feelings were on my side a few days ago when I broke the news to Big that I was seeing other people. This was after he broke the Big news that he was moving back to the Minne.

I should be experiencing feelings of devastation, sadness, a broken-heart, and regret right now, but instead, I really don't feel much of anything. Not true, I feel proud of myself for telling him a lot of the truth, and I also feel proud of myself for not retracting, caving, or trying to "get him back". I successfully and once again, broke up with Big.

He was laid off from his LA job which is very disappointing. There was not enough work and he was the least senior member, so unfortunately, he was the one to go. He is handling it okay, even a bit cheery as he would like to get out of CA. But as I told him, if he really wants to see his dream come true, then he should do what he can to stay and make it happen.

That was one Big surprise, the other is the fact that Big considered us to be in a relationship and not seeing other people. Um, news to me considering we talk with the frequency of a full moon. I knew that he allegedly wasn't seeing anyone else as he was too busy. But I guess it surprises me that he actually thought that I was okay with that kind of relationship and that I wasn't going to see anyone else. I guess this must have been a product of my inability to articulate what I want, or what my expectations are. Instead, I didn't really care what he thought we were doing, I had my cake and ate it to, if that phrase applies.

So my news about seeing other people came as a surprise to him, but he took it well, a bit too well even. He knows that I am right. I mean how do you have a relationship with someone who live 2000 miles away and whose definition of a "relationship" is so completely different from your own? You don't. Every day that passes I get better and better at understanding who I am and what I want. I am no longer basing my self worth on him and I haven't for a long time. It is time that I am honest with myself and with him, we are not right for each other, we cannot make each other happy, and love has got nothing to do with it. So as I told him, I am seeing other people, I have moved on with my life.

And because I was on a roll and why not? I faced my Stalker. You may recall my Stalker (played by Terrence Howard) is totally in love with me and desperately wants to marry me and have a family. I entertained the idea, tried to buy in, but ultimately knew that I would never be able to go through with marrying a man I had no feelings for. I am not that big of a liar and I am certainly not cruel. So in an extremely cowardly fashion, I stopped talking to him about 6 months ago without so much as an explanation. I just stopped answering his calls. We were talking about once or twice a week at the time so my absence was noticed and very hurtful. I was wrong, I was awful, I just couldn't face him. I couldn't face having the conversation where I would have to tell him that I don't have any feelings for him and that I never ever will. It almost seemed kinder not to say it, but lets be honest, the reason I didn't want to say it is because I would have felt uncomfortable, not out of concern for him.

To make things right I called him. I told him I was sorry and that I was wrong. I then was honest and told him the truth, that we did not have a future. He really is a good and calm person who has had more hardships in his life than anyone should. He said that he understood, that he wasn't mad at me, and basically that he is not going anywhere, he will wait until I change my mind. Um! Wrong answer! I restated that I won't change my mind, but in his mind there is a chance I might. He really doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to be with him. He would treat me well, give me anything in the world I want, let me do whatever I want, let us live anywhere I want, etc, etc. He would do anything to make me happy and according to him, other guys will just use me. He pleads a good case, but I am not ready to settle for good enough, I may settle for a colored paper life in the end, but I will not settle for good enough because I can't fake it. Now, I didn't tell him all that per se, it seemed kinder not to.

I like me. There, I said it.

I have been suffering from a desperate case of writer's block as of late, so I do apologize in advance if this piece is not up to par. Unfortunately, my writer's block has resulted in a big build up of very juicy singleformation. I will do my best to bring the six of you up to speed :)

Danny and I had a very very very revealing conversation a few weeks ago in which I surprised myself and went full disclosure and soberly shared with him a very guarded part of myself. Like very guarded, something I have never shared with another man and have only shared with a few close girlfriends. (Now because I am being vague I will say that its not a unique life threatening secret by any means, nor is it weird so don't worry!). The reason I went full disclosure is not because we were having an intense intimate conversation or anything, actually, I finally came clean to stop him from pestering me. I had had enough and was tired of being coy and evasive and he sure was not letting up, so I said to hell with it, I don't care, here is what you want to know...I answered his question.

I HATE questions! Rather, I hate certain types of questions that are about me because I don't really care to talk very much about myself (I'm sure my friends would disagree). I think that there are probably a lot of reasons for my guardedness mostly stemming from insecurities and fears about being judged, and partially stemming from my distaste for people who share TMI. Whatever the reasons are, I have always found it very difficult to open up to people until I know them very well, and I have never ever been able to open up and be honest with a guy. Hello, remember CPA where I couldn't even ask him if he liked me for fear of rejection? I have always equated telling the truth and being vulnerable as signs of weakness, not of strength. This seems to be backwards thinking in retrospect. Unfortunately, being uncomfortable talking about myself does not usually make for a great first impression as it makes me seem very closed off, guarded, impersonal, standoffish, snobbish, shy, and unfriendly.

So back to his question. I did not want to provide an answer because I felt like if I told him the truth, it would make me look bad. You may have caught on to this, but I have been working furiously hard all of my life to appear like I am (please get ready to roll your eyes) perfect. Not perfect perfect, but perfect as it would be considered by society, perfect as in what I would consider my perfect version of myself to be. By answering I let him in and slowly but surely, he is getting to know the real me, not the me I try to pretend I am.

The remarkable part is not that I was honest and told the truth to appease him, the remarkable part is that I felt comfortable telling him something personal. For the first time in my life, I feel completely at ease being myself around a guy. I am letting him see me and all of my, what I consider to be, flaws. And guess what, he likes me anyway, despite my flaws, and he doesn't even consider them to be flaws, and in some cases, he likes me more because of them. I get to be myself and I like that because I like me.

A perfect cast

A recent cocktail conversation with my Chi-mate turned into us casting our lives with famous celebrities (you know in case my Single in the Chi tale catches on and gets turned into a movie or something--LOL). And certainly it is time to provide you all with some yummy visuals--this will make reading my story all the more fun for you.

Now, before going any further I need to explain that I chose these celebrities because they most resemble the people in my real life based on their physical appearance. Also, I must note that sadly, my real people are not quite as hot.

Chicago--Played by Chicago :)

Me--Blake Lively (I am absolutely nowhere near as hot or as blond as she is, but its my movie and I can do what I want to! LOL)

Chi-mate--Isla Fisher (but less ditsy, and btw her boyfriend is Tom Cruise)

Big--an Irish Chris Martin from Coldplay

My Venezuelan--Benjamin Bratt, very sexy!

My stalker--A younger Terrence Howard

Danny--a Mexican Andy from Weeds

Vegas--Matthew Perry

Jordan--an Arab Kal Penn (very hot)


So there you go, these are the people in my dating life. I am a bit stumped for words tonight so stay tuned, there will be more to come on this :)

And so it goes

And so it goes. My happy momentum has started to hit a wall and has in turn, turned down-hill. Hopefully this is just a fluke and the next week will feel better, which it should as I get to see the two loves of my life, my niece and nephew :). Happy thoughts.

Honestly, I have not felt quite right since Monday's swimtime. Courtesy of that damn intuition I knew that night that I wasn't Ms Right for Mr Perfect. For some reason I just feel very disappointed about this, not necessarily about him per se, but about yet another guy not working out. Why is it so hard? On top of that, Vegas has not called all week and its probably because I imposed that strict hands off policy...I guess you are damned if you do, damned if you do a little, and damned if you don't at all, I've done all three and at least I can argue that one isn't worse than the other any longer. No no Jordan no Vegas, am I back to one?

Being back to one isn't the worst thing in the world, after all, as the universe has proven, once you make room in your life then that allows room for others to enter, so crossing my fingers. I think what I am starting to really notice and feel sad about is my Chi-BFFs absence, she is gone and so is part of my spirit. I miss her, and instead of being able to fill my time talking, sharing, laughing, analyzing, empathizing, supporting, cheering, and celebrating with her, I am back to doing that alone, and have some how found these guys to serve as a distraction from, not an answer to, that void. Now Darling Chimate, don't feel sad reading this, I only bring it up to show that its not the void of the 2 missing men I need to worry about filling, its the void of my chimate that I need to fill, I need a girlfriend. I guess I need to take a time machine back to January and restart my self-exploration process and find my new interests, and in new interests hopefully I can find a new friend. XOXO.

From paper to perfect...

I went for a late night swim with Mr. Perfect Jordan last night :). I took a trip to Brazil last Saturday and then fasted for two days in order to be Trina Turk bikini ready. And shockingly, I actually felt that I was bikini ready, sans the slimming tan. I was probably invisible to Jordan as my skin is nearly translucent. Chi-town does not have any sun! I went directly to Jordan's after work and once again fell in love, not exactly with him, but with his 50th floor view of the downtown skyline. Incredible, breathtaking view. I am actually having a bit of a hard time separating my feelings for him, from my feelings for his apartment. TBD, at least I hope.

At least I hope because I felt that there was something a little missing from our date last night. To be fair, he was fresh home from a very crazy weekend in a very crazy place so he was a bit, and admittedly so, mellow. I like mellow, I am actually mellow all of the time, sometimes I am so mellow I resemble a corpse. He on the other hand is generally high-energy. Mismatch? Anyway, he is a great conversationalist so he kept the convo moving, mostly revolving around himself, which as you now know, is fine with me as I do not like talking much about myself. In this case I feel even less like talking about myself because for the first time possibly ever, I feel like I am not good enough, like my apartment isn't good enough, my things aren't good enough, my clothes aren't good enough, my education isn't good enough, my job isn't good enough, my social life isn't good enough, my experiences aren't good enough, etc, etc. I have never felt so inadequate and just to be clear, its not that he makes me feel this way, not at all (in fact, for a guy like him to still call me after he saw me "the next day" for an extended period of hangover hanging out, I give him a lot of credit and think he's a bit nuts!). So its not that he makes me feel inadequate, it is more so his living the life that I envision myself living, that makes me feel entirely inadequate and a bit like a failure. There I said it.

For my regular readers you may recall that I have mentioned before that I just kind of let life happen to me. I went to the easiest and biggest school near me because I didn't want to fill out college applications, I often skipped class and rarely ever studied and easily achieved a respectable GPA, I was given several promotions at my job not by trying exactly but by being naturally good at my job. I honestly have never had to try very hard to get by in life. Obviously, my efforts to find Mr. Right have not followed in suit. I live a great life but could I have had the life I really wanted, the life that Mr. Perfect and all of the other YPs living in his building have, had I had more ambition? Probably yes, and that my friends makes me feel inadequate.

Taking a life lesson from a very good friend, I can either choose to settle for a Good Enough paper life, or I can try to make the life I want happen. It is up to me, it is not up the random fate of meeting a guy already leading this life. You cannot rely on others to make you happy, instead (and I really hate this) we have to make ourselves happy.

Back to Jordan, he and I had a nice, very low key evening, but I didn't feel any "sparks" and I didn't feel like he was in-to-me per se. The first couple of nights we spent together, I definitely felt the sparks, so was this an anomaly, or was this a sobering honest encounter? I really really hope he calls again, and if he doesn't then I am going to try very hard not to let it devastate me too much. After all, feeling "inadequate" and aspiring to a different lifestyle is much different than feeling "worthless". I assure you, I am not worthless, in fact, I am worth far more than paper, but that darlings, is something that I need to prove and earn myself.

A perfect Brazilian

I have had a very indulgent, and overdue weekend. I indulged in pain--the pain of a Brazilian and the pain of a Facial. As my new BFF at the Salon told me, "well, its not going to kill you". Tears aside I bravely endured these services, and let me tell you, the price of beauty is very expensive. Now, my new BFF is one excellent sales person: I went in for a routine (okay its been 2 years) bikini wax and within 30 minutes I had taken a trip to Brazil, my eyebrows were shaped, and I had an appointment for a much needed custom facial at 10:00 the next morning. She said she wanted to make me perfect. Its going to take a lot more than hot wax to turn me into the perfect version of me, but I wonder am I ready to try?

Now perfect is a term I use lightly. I do not use it to insinuate that I want to be the most perfect person in the entire world by any traditional standard. Instead, I use it to mean that I want to be the most perfect version of myself according to myself. Obviously this idea of perfection correlates directly to personal goals and to the idea of achieving the elusive happiness. I hate the idea of goal setting as I rarely have much follow through...but maybe I am ready to be my better version. A few of the better version goals I want to accomplish:

-Diet and exercise. This is a big one as I am a very low energy person--if I ate right and exercised I would probably feel as a whole, a lot more awake, energetic, and positive.
-Beauty maintenance. I was way overdue for my wax jobs, and I really have never invested in healthy skin...I want to routinely take care of both as I think it will improve my overall confidence.
-Friendships. I want to develop new friendships, foster and cultivate my current friendships, and make peace with ghosts of friendships past.
-Interests. I want to develop new interests such as cooking or art or dance classes or sports or ... I want to be busy and active by developing and participating in new outlets.

Anyway, these are just a few of the areas in my life that I want to improve. There are surely more as I have a lot of work to do in my overall job satisfaction and financial health, but all good things come in time. Good things have come my way and I am feeling very happy. And not to brag but Jordan just called via his vacation destination and invited me over tomorrow night after work. Yea!

Now my life is on what I consider to be an upswing, but ask me 7 months ago and I was experiencing a desperate and lonely low. Today, two things I know for sure, everything is cyclical, and everybody goes through these either happy or stressful or difficult times. I think that the best way to get through our good times and our bad is to surround ourselves with people who care about us, and to reach out and celebrate or commiserate or silently comfort and to always love one another. That investment in soulmates is the completion of a perfect self. XOXO.

A smiling single girl

Alright you anxious readers you, here is the update in the fabulous life of one single Chi-girl. I have had a fantastic week albeit incredibly busy with work. The highlight: Wednesday afternoon when my crush, Jordan, texted me to say hi and that we should talk next week (you see, I was out of town for a few days and he is now out of town for a few days so he was planning ahead...:)). I have had a smile on my face ever since, and I am even smiling right now :). And I can't stop smiling because I really like this guy, like really :) :). I don't want to say too much or get too excited because I am a little afraid of liking someone who is not paper. The reason being is that it was one thing to get rejected by a guy who is paper, and a completely different thing to be rejected by a guy you really like. Both rejections suck but in different ways. Rejection by paper guys is annoying and avoiding rejection turns the whole relationship into a kind of cat and mouse game. A rejection by a "perfect" guy is incredibly disappointing, it results in a bit of a blow to the ego, and it spirals one into the always present question from hell, "do I really need to just settle for Mr Good Enough, Mr Paper?".

And, I spent the night last night with Vegas. We went out to my favorite blue margarita bar in my hood and then to a few other places. I invited him to stay the night but with one rule: hands off! I am so so mean. I guess the thing about me is that I need to feel very attracted to someone to want to engage in relations and I am just not there yet with Vegas. He is a great guy--very nice, very very positive and happy, attractive, considerate, generous, gentlemanly, employed, talks on the phone, easy going, even a good kisser, etc, etc, etc, etc. You can pretty much put a check mark next to every box you have on your list, he's great. And, I think he even likes me. But something is missing for me--possibly that X-factor or the good ole chemistry. I guess what I am trying to figure out is, even if this paper man is great!, available, and into me, does that mean that he is the right guy for me? At what point do you sacrifice the zsa zsa zsu and accept good enough? Darlings, this is to be determined as I do like Vegas and I do intend to keep seeing him.

I have not seen Danny in about a week but I have talked to him almost every day. I have come to regard Danny as someone who I just like knowing. For example, I can call him anytime for anything and he will talk...I called him from the airport yesterday and he gave me a full weather report and reasons why my plane was delayed. He is so multi-dimensional and intelligent that sometimes I just like listening to him ramble. And, he likes me. He is boosting my self esteem and confidence because he is so open with his feelings about me...like compliments. Now receiving compliments from guys I like happens very rarely...Vegas has yet to compliment me with a "you look nice", Big did sporadically, CPA NEVER did, and cute Jordan gave me a "you look fine" (understandable considering I was that aforementioned hungover hooker) and Jordan also commented how very sexy I looked in my very LBD. Danny is the only guy (okay outside of my stalker) who constantly gives me compliments, and ladies, although we are often too prideful to admit this, we need to hear why we are special. We need it. And apparently he needs it too as he keeps saying how he absolutely cannot figure out if I like him or not. This is due to the fact that I have also implemented a hands mostly off policy toward him as well. I expect to see Danny tomorrow we'll see what happens.

And Big. Yes Big is back in town (well only metaphorically), he has been really good about calling, like on a weekly basis. He must be able to sense my emotional distance as yesterday he was laying the always endearing baby and I miss yous on kind of thick. I love Big, I will always love Big, but I feel very past him. When I gave up my "3" I gave up my 3.

I am one busy, smiling single girl. XOXO.