Confession. Even though I am no longer in love with my Big, I am still in love with my Big, and I am glad. I think what I realized that Monday night is that I was no longer in love with Big blindly. I came to accept that his decisions, actions, behaviors, choices, everything, all had a direct impact on me and my future. I came to realize that I could not jeopardize my future for anything, even love.
It is a big step to approach life eyes wide open. Largely, my pursuit of Big for the last seven years has been to prove myself worthy, not to actually be with the man I love forever. I was perfectly aware that my Big was for right now, and not for right, forever. He was never an option I would have exercised for long term, even if I did love him more than I could possibly understand. He was always part of a game: prove myself worthy to capture the unattainable (duh, if that were my game I should have gone with Matt Damon and not some dreamer). I guess the reason I fell out of love with him that Monday night was because I realized that I finally won that game, I captured my prisoner, Big was mine. And because he was mine, I could move on and finally see the limitless life in front of me.
And I do see the limitless life in front of me. This is partially why I am confronted with occasional bouts of decision anxiety. The next decision I make will absolutely affect whether or not Big and I have a future. That said, I am certain the decision I make will not be because of Big, it will be because I choose it to be best for me, and the best for me may be Big, but I don't know.
Did I mention that since July he has called me every single day? He obviously has felt me slipping away into dating other men, but none the less he has never acted rudely against me, he has only tried harder. As I said, when I was back in Minne, he insisted I stay with him and was very understanding when I sported sweats and obliged in few relations. And every single day since July he has told me how he feels about me, engages me in discussions about a future together, and has done his best to make peace with our past through communication. Even though I am still reluctant to have these candid conversations, we both understand that they are critical as they will reveal whether or not we have a future together. He and I are getting closer to true intimacy which Danny has opened me up to.
And I suppose I need to pause here and mention Danny. I feel that Danny has been brought into my life to show me how to live life, live life better, more fully, more capably, more everything. He is teaching me so many things and I really value and care about him, deeply. But, either fortunately or unfortunately, that is as far as our relationship can go, per his terms. I am recreation for him (sounds worse than I mean it), I am a break from his gruelling reality, I am a companion and it isn't that he doesn't care about me, it is just because this is the life he chose. So when I speak affectionately about Danny it is just that, I am affectionate about him, but also realistic, Danny is not my future, but Big might be, and that is what I need to explore.
And Big continues to know just what to say. I am not sure if it is a naturally ability or if he knows me well enough to know (I am sure he would say its the latter). For example yesterday I was playfully commenting that isn't it convenient he is going to see a band play with his married friends and their girl friend. I need to mention here that earlier I told him that I got him an early Christmas gift. He said even if that were the case that this what a set-up what makes me think that this girl would surprise him with an early Christmas gift? He said, I think I already have it pretty good.
I guess it is in the small things.
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