Hello Darlings,
I am due for a post with the most.
Life has been very nice as of late, but certainly not without many mini-dramas...
A few weeks ago my former roommie collected the rest of his things from my apartment. This resulted in 6 hours of crying and 1 hour of complete meltdown. My Dear Big was very sweet and did his best to calm me down. I told him that (he) took back everything and that I had nothing left, he assured me that I had him left. It was sweet and very true. Life is not about how much furniture you have in your apartment, it is about how much love you have and give to others. Ah, how sweet!
I survived the adjustment and still have couch and a desk, just a bit less sanity. Another reason I took it so hard was that Danny was out of town and I could not call him for comfort. When I finally was able to tell him he just laughed, was delighted that I no longer had a "college dorm apartment" and complimented my styling of the couch and desk.
He and I are almost at our 1 year mark. 11 months...I can't believe it has been that long. We still act like we just met, fighting, yelling, arguing. Sadly, in a way it is just a part of our relationship. We fight about the same things - I get upset when I feel that he is criticizing me. Sounds right, right? The fault is mostly my own as I invent criticism where there is none. He never intends to hurt my feelings but somehow I have this talent for insinuating or creating meaning and insults out of thin air - a trick he claims I learned from Sex and the City. He is not totally blameless however as he provokes me and never lets anything go...he enjoys the drama as much as I do, which is to say that neither of us enjoys it we are just too combative to stop it. One comforting thing is that no matter how badly we fight, he will always call the next day. He will never abandon me.
I wonder if part of my problem isn't that I am constantly testing this? Am I so afraid of being hurt again that I create and cause drama in order to push people away? In theory, if it's clearly my fault, if I push them away, then I won't be surprised when they leave me. This defense mechanism is a product of being hurt so bad in my Big relationship of past. It is a ghost that forever is haunting me.
Uh-hum, can I get a therapist please?
