Breaking up with Big was big, very big. It was probably the biggest step I have ever taken in a relationship; the step of expressing how I feel even if it hurts the other person. If you've done it before, bravo. So far things have been okay. I have the benefit of distance to help lighten the blow and minimize the "realness" of the matter, but I can expect that like with anything, I will feel things when I feel them. Rather than sadness, my initial feelings have been rifled with anxiety and impatience. Its like now that I have broken Big, I should have a new guy and a new relationship, like yesterday. Well? Now I remember why I hate being single.
A friend the other day told me that for as long as she has known me, I have never ever been fake - she actually said it as a sort of compliment. Daily I am reminded that we live in a society that breeds and encourages women to be fake - happy, agreeable, likable, Stepford. We are conditioned from birth to believe that unless we are in a relationship we are missing out on something, and with the help of "self-help" and popular TV programming, we are essentially taught how to not be ourselves in order to get the guy. All of our actions and reactions are a product of an industry. Its money honey.
Not that that's bad or anything. So what if the majority of how I behave in a relationship is the result of memorizing every SATC episode verbatim? I actually did use Carrie's "don't you say her name to me!" line from season 2 in my first break up with Big. So no I don't condemn it, but as I get older, I do question whether my actions and reactions to life are not a Pavlov product? When did I stop thinking for myself? Or probably more accurately, why did I never learn to think for myself?
As I told my friend, I am not sure that my not being able to be "fake" was entirely a good thing. I mean its not like my phone is ringing, or anything. Does my realness equate to unlikeable? In all actuality it is not my realness that makes me unlikeable, but rather my inability to be real with other people. I cannot pretend to be someone I am not, but I have a very hard time being who I am in front of other people. And that is the part of me that I need to work on.
Apologies for the random series of ah-has this post, but I guess my lessons this week were not entirely cohesive. I am glad that I am not fake with people, that for the most part I maintain an honest persona. I am glad that I now recognize that I need to think for myself and be careful to not confuse pop culture with right and wrong. I recognize that I need to continue trying to be open and show who I am to the world because even now, I still do like me.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
the break-up
I did it. I actually did it. I broke up with Big, out loud, and to him. I didn't break up with him in my normal way - tell my friends and secretly see other men. This time, I told him over the phone that I didn't think we were going to work out, and that I thought it best that we break up. And so now I am broken-up, or possibly just broken.
He was hurt. He told me he thought I was making a big mistake. He told me he didn't think I knew what I wanted. He told me that love should be able to conquer all. He told me I broke his heart. I told him that I don't know if I am making a big mistake. I told him that I don't know what I want. I told him that I don't think love alone, is enough. And I told him that my heart is broken too. So here we are left, two individuals with broken hearts who no longer believe in a certain kind of love.
All in all I do think he tried to understand my reasons why. He agreed that he couldn't change who he was to be with me and I told him that I couldn't change who I was to be with him. I really really tried to be that person that could be with him, but in the end I think I failed. And he really really tried to make me happy and be the guy I deserved but in the end, it wasn't enough. We both know that we tried our absolute best to be together and that we really really love each other.
But now there is a giant hole in my heart, an emptiness and a loneliness in my soul. And so many questions and doubts - did I do the right thing? For someone who has NEVER doubted her decisions, this one doesn't feel right, it doesn't make sense to me and it doesn't seem fair. But life isn't supposed to be fair and love is often lost too early. I guess I do now believe that it is better to have loved, to have really loved and been loved, and to have lost, then to never have loved in the first place.
So how do I heal? Will I heal? All I can hope for is that there are no real "mistakes" in life and that this is just an end of one chapter in my life that will be the beginning of another. And while I am feeling alone and empty I will do my best to keep faith and allow for time and friendship to heal me. Leaving my Big relationship with love is the best I could have asked for, and for that, I am thankful.
He was hurt. He told me he thought I was making a big mistake. He told me he didn't think I knew what I wanted. He told me that love should be able to conquer all. He told me I broke his heart. I told him that I don't know if I am making a big mistake. I told him that I don't know what I want. I told him that I don't think love alone, is enough. And I told him that my heart is broken too. So here we are left, two individuals with broken hearts who no longer believe in a certain kind of love.
All in all I do think he tried to understand my reasons why. He agreed that he couldn't change who he was to be with me and I told him that I couldn't change who I was to be with him. I really really tried to be that person that could be with him, but in the end I think I failed. And he really really tried to make me happy and be the guy I deserved but in the end, it wasn't enough. We both know that we tried our absolute best to be together and that we really really love each other.
But now there is a giant hole in my heart, an emptiness and a loneliness in my soul. And so many questions and doubts - did I do the right thing? For someone who has NEVER doubted her decisions, this one doesn't feel right, it doesn't make sense to me and it doesn't seem fair. But life isn't supposed to be fair and love is often lost too early. I guess I do now believe that it is better to have loved, to have really loved and been loved, and to have lost, then to never have loved in the first place.
So how do I heal? Will I heal? All I can hope for is that there are no real "mistakes" in life and that this is just an end of one chapter in my life that will be the beginning of another. And while I am feeling alone and empty I will do my best to keep faith and allow for time and friendship to heal me. Leaving my Big relationship with love is the best I could have asked for, and for that, I am thankful.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Twenty nine is...fantastic!
It is true, twenty nine is fantastic! And I am more fantastic at 29 than I was at 28. For example, I have a better job at 29 than I did at 28. I make more money at 29 than I did at 28. I am managing my finances better at 29 than I did at 28. I am exercising more at 29 than I did at 28. I am drinking less at 29 than I did at 28. I am eating better at 29 than I did at 28. I am reading more and learning more at 29 than I did at 28. And (but) (no and) I am more single at 29 than I was at 28. And what's really interesting is that all of these changes are a chain reaction of one another. All things considered, I have made a lot fantastic progress for being only 27 days in.
In my heart of hearts I knew that a new job would be the catalyst for the change in the next phase in my life. And I was right. It was after the worst (okay 2nd worst) interview of my life that I saw the job posting for my present position. It had me at seeking. If ever there was a position that I was qualified for or a more natural fit for than it was this position. And my future employers felt the same way and after just one pleasant interview, they changed my life.
Here's the great thing about getting a new job that pays more money that only pays once a month; only being paid once a month makes it much easier to allocate (I hate the word budget) money. This in turn has allowed me to invest in a yoga membership!
By participating in yoga classes 5 days a week, I have much less time and desire for wine. Rather than keep company in pinot I keep company in Shavasana. And perhaps because spirit is intricately linked to body, I have become more aware of what I actually put into my body - I have started to cook (not my first lesson in never say never by the way). It turns out that cooking is also a cure for boredom.
I have to give myself quite a bit of credit here. I have always been con veggies - I would order veggie noodle dishes sans veggies, pick out each veggie obstruction from my mom's homemade meals, and scrutinize each and every bite for signs of onion. While I am still very anti-onion, I have made a huge effort to start eating and cooking veggies. So far, I have learned to prepare pasta with pesto, fresh mozzarella and tomato, two different tofu stir fry's with snow peas, orange and yellow peppers, zucchini, and cilantro, and my favorite, baked, marinated tofu. And my toughest critic actually paid me a compliment on my stir fry saying that it was very good, but that I probably had "beginners luck". Hey, I'll take that!
Linked to spirit and body is of course, mind. And while learning/thinking/analyzing/questioning/challenging may never come easy or natural or interesting to me, I am making an effort to try and enrich my mind. (Life outside self help books). NPR, CNN, and WIKI and I are now well acquainted. I am trying to learn not just how to read or listen to stories, but how to retain them, hence the book on memory I just finished. And understanding anything about this world means you need to know something about the past. Poe and Washington Irving at the moment and next up: Plato's "the Republic". Who knows, maybe at some point I will actually be able to have an intelligent conversation...
And I have to believe that part of learning to question and challenge has resulted in my present singledom. That big question: All things considered, how is it possible Big and I can make a relationship work and still be happy? We can't. I know Big and I cannot be together and be happy. And why this has been a hard conclusion to reach is because it won't be for lack of trying and it certainly won't be for lack of love. I meant it when I said that I was in love. I am. I am in love with Big, and he is in love with me too, but that doesn't mean that he and I can make a relationship work. As much as we love each other, neither he nor I can change who we are for a relationship. It would cost us too much. So single? Yes. Single and proud? Yes.
So here I am, 29 and fantastic!
In my heart of hearts I knew that a new job would be the catalyst for the change in the next phase in my life. And I was right. It was after the worst (okay 2nd worst) interview of my life that I saw the job posting for my present position. It had me at seeking. If ever there was a position that I was qualified for or a more natural fit for than it was this position. And my future employers felt the same way and after just one pleasant interview, they changed my life.
Here's the great thing about getting a new job that pays more money that only pays once a month; only being paid once a month makes it much easier to allocate (I hate the word budget) money. This in turn has allowed me to invest in a yoga membership!
By participating in yoga classes 5 days a week, I have much less time and desire for wine. Rather than keep company in pinot I keep company in Shavasana. And perhaps because spirit is intricately linked to body, I have become more aware of what I actually put into my body - I have started to cook (not my first lesson in never say never by the way). It turns out that cooking is also a cure for boredom.
I have to give myself quite a bit of credit here. I have always been con veggies - I would order veggie noodle dishes sans veggies, pick out each veggie obstruction from my mom's homemade meals, and scrutinize each and every bite for signs of onion. While I am still very anti-onion, I have made a huge effort to start eating and cooking veggies. So far, I have learned to prepare pasta with pesto, fresh mozzarella and tomato, two different tofu stir fry's with snow peas, orange and yellow peppers, zucchini, and cilantro, and my favorite, baked, marinated tofu. And my toughest critic actually paid me a compliment on my stir fry saying that it was very good, but that I probably had "beginners luck". Hey, I'll take that!
Linked to spirit and body is of course, mind. And while learning/thinking/analyzing/questioning/challenging may never come easy or natural or interesting to me, I am making an effort to try and enrich my mind. (Life outside self help books). NPR, CNN, and WIKI and I are now well acquainted. I am trying to learn not just how to read or listen to stories, but how to retain them, hence the book on memory I just finished. And understanding anything about this world means you need to know something about the past. Poe and Washington Irving at the moment and next up: Plato's "the Republic". Who knows, maybe at some point I will actually be able to have an intelligent conversation...
And I have to believe that part of learning to question and challenge has resulted in my present singledom. That big question: All things considered, how is it possible Big and I can make a relationship work and still be happy? We can't. I know Big and I cannot be together and be happy. And why this has been a hard conclusion to reach is because it won't be for lack of trying and it certainly won't be for lack of love. I meant it when I said that I was in love. I am. I am in love with Big, and he is in love with me too, but that doesn't mean that he and I can make a relationship work. As much as we love each other, neither he nor I can change who we are for a relationship. It would cost us too much. So single? Yes. Single and proud? Yes.
So here I am, 29 and fantastic!
Twenty nine is...
Twenty nine is fantastic?
Twenty nine is fantastic.
Twenty nine is fantastic!
So, which is it???!
Let's examine:
Twenty nine is fantastic? If you are skilled at inferring tone via the written word you will catch the skepticism in this statement. Like really? I am supposed to like being one year closer to thirty? I am supposed to celebrate the last days of my twenties? No, no! I mean, my twenties are on death row! Losing my teens was a blessing; probably the only nice thing that happened to me in my entire teens was watching them pass by and cease to exist. But my twenties? Not so sure I feel that same way.
Twenty nine is fantastic. It's not like my twenties have been all that great either. To be fair, years 20-24 were crazy fun, years 24-26 were a living nightmare, year 27 was lonely but serene, and year 28 was fantastic! So, out of 9 years, I can say that just half were pleasant and nice. Is the death row of my twenties therefore only half bad?
Twenty nine is fantastic! If years 27 and 28 were improving years, then I can infer that twenty nine can only follow in suit, and be even more fantastic, right? And further, if twenties were better than teens, then thirties must be better than twenties, right?
So there you have it, twenty nine is fantastic! But not as fantastic as thirty.
Twenty nine is fantastic.
Twenty nine is fantastic!
So, which is it???!
Let's examine:
Twenty nine is fantastic? If you are skilled at inferring tone via the written word you will catch the skepticism in this statement. Like really? I am supposed to like being one year closer to thirty? I am supposed to celebrate the last days of my twenties? No, no! I mean, my twenties are on death row! Losing my teens was a blessing; probably the only nice thing that happened to me in my entire teens was watching them pass by and cease to exist. But my twenties? Not so sure I feel that same way.
Twenty nine is fantastic. It's not like my twenties have been all that great either. To be fair, years 20-24 were crazy fun, years 24-26 were a living nightmare, year 27 was lonely but serene, and year 28 was fantastic! So, out of 9 years, I can say that just half were pleasant and nice. Is the death row of my twenties therefore only half bad?
Twenty nine is fantastic! If years 27 and 28 were improving years, then I can infer that twenty nine can only follow in suit, and be even more fantastic, right? And further, if twenties were better than teens, then thirties must be better than twenties, right?
So there you have it, twenty nine is fantastic! But not as fantastic as thirty.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Groundhog day
I believe that this is what they call a breakthrough. Actually, in re-reading my posts over the last two years, it seems that I am due for a major breakthrough. Every six months seems to be the cycle. At least I am consistent in having the same breakthrough over and over again. I am nothing if not consistent and predictable.
All of this is a result of the drama of a few weeks ago. It seems that I am still trying to work through what happened. In my last post I shared with you how a friend opened my eyes to the fact that all relationships have their own troubles. That in turn got us talking about a friend of mine who has been in the ridiculous and impossible cycle of on again off again for the last 8 years. While I had compared my situation to hers over the years, I truly saw my situation as "different" and as "not as bad". I mean, my situation as a whole was completely different and less sad than hers, right? I may have been wrong. Okay, I was wrong. See? I can be wrong.
In a nut shell, my friend Carrie is in love with a man who is also deeply in love with her (we'll call him Mark). Circumstances, however, prevent them from being together, publicly. She can see him, spend time with him, talk about her feelings with him, and have intimacy with him, but what she can't have with him is the committed every day love and attention that yields downtown condos, marriage and kids. She has to make the decision of whether seeing him for a few hours a day or week, compensates for her giving up everything she ever wanted for her life. And you know what? She has bravely made the decision over and over again that that compensation is not enough, and has decided that she wants and needs more for her life, and has walked away from him. But over and over again, love has overpowered that brave resolve, and she has gone back to him. You see the big problem is that they do love each other so deeply and walking away from that type of love is actually a kind of death.
So how are our situations so much alike, if not the exact same? For starters, I am surely guilty of being "over" Big and then going back to him over and over and over again. And worse, I am finally conceding that the circumstances that keep us apart cannot be overcome. There, I said it.
And there are two very important points I need to make here:
1. Neither myself, nor Carrie, nor Big, nor Mark, are blameless in this predicament. If anything, we should be rewarded ;) for believing in love. But we are guilty of stubbornly believing in love and in believing that our love is "special". In my newly formed opinion, the only reason the four of us are in this viscous Groundhog day, is because we didn't have the balls to have walked away that first time. Had we done that, which I believe most people manage to do, we would not be in this emotional mess.
2. These circumstances could have been changed because they are after all, a product of choice, daily choice. These daily choices reflect on who we are as individuals. Meaning that to change the circumstance you would need to change the person. And people don't change, fundamentally at least.
So where does that leave Carrie and I? Stay tuned....
All of this is a result of the drama of a few weeks ago. It seems that I am still trying to work through what happened. In my last post I shared with you how a friend opened my eyes to the fact that all relationships have their own troubles. That in turn got us talking about a friend of mine who has been in the ridiculous and impossible cycle of on again off again for the last 8 years. While I had compared my situation to hers over the years, I truly saw my situation as "different" and as "not as bad". I mean, my situation as a whole was completely different and less sad than hers, right? I may have been wrong. Okay, I was wrong. See? I can be wrong.
In a nut shell, my friend Carrie is in love with a man who is also deeply in love with her (we'll call him Mark). Circumstances, however, prevent them from being together, publicly. She can see him, spend time with him, talk about her feelings with him, and have intimacy with him, but what she can't have with him is the committed every day love and attention that yields downtown condos, marriage and kids. She has to make the decision of whether seeing him for a few hours a day or week, compensates for her giving up everything she ever wanted for her life. And you know what? She has bravely made the decision over and over again that that compensation is not enough, and has decided that she wants and needs more for her life, and has walked away from him. But over and over again, love has overpowered that brave resolve, and she has gone back to him. You see the big problem is that they do love each other so deeply and walking away from that type of love is actually a kind of death.
So how are our situations so much alike, if not the exact same? For starters, I am surely guilty of being "over" Big and then going back to him over and over and over again. And worse, I am finally conceding that the circumstances that keep us apart cannot be overcome. There, I said it.
And there are two very important points I need to make here:
1. Neither myself, nor Carrie, nor Big, nor Mark, are blameless in this predicament. If anything, we should be rewarded ;) for believing in love. But we are guilty of stubbornly believing in love and in believing that our love is "special". In my newly formed opinion, the only reason the four of us are in this viscous Groundhog day, is because we didn't have the balls to have walked away that first time. Had we done that, which I believe most people manage to do, we would not be in this emotional mess.
2. These circumstances could have been changed because they are after all, a product of choice, daily choice. These daily choices reflect on who we are as individuals. Meaning that to change the circumstance you would need to change the person. And people don't change, fundamentally at least.
So where does that leave Carrie and I? Stay tuned....
Saturday, October 1, 2011
I know you love me anyway
Once Big and I finally had a chance to talk he says “I apologized, you apologized, what’s the big deal? Let’s move on.” Just like a boy. Here I had spent days agonizing, analyzing, questioning, soul-searching, and speculating about the outcome of he and I, and it hadn’t even been on his mind. He was happily resolved. Maybe it is I who has some growing up to do. Just because we have an epic fight does not mean we are over. Just because he says a few mean things and I say quite a lot of mean things, does not mean we are over. Is this what it means to be in a relationship?
Of course what follows in our conversation is much the same. I tell him that I am not sure he wants to move forward at the same speed that I do. He stumps me by asking me what does that even mean? He says, “well, you are my girlfriend, what else do you need to hear?” Fair enough, I am his girlfriend, what more do I need because I am sincerely not pushing to meet the parents or for him and I to move in together for real and become co-dependent. I guess I am content to be his girlfriend, unfortunately, calling someone your GF and feeling like someone’s GF are 2 very different things –I have 405 miles of proof.
So that’s that, I guess we are resolved. Or are we? I still can’t help but feel completely scared that I am making a big mistake. Am I holding on because I am too proud to let go? As a friend recently told me, I need to either get in the game and commit to him and try things out for real, or I need to break things off for real. I can’t waste any more of my time and my late 20s attractiveness on being unsure. As I told her, I don’t know. I thought I knew. I knew when I wrote my last several posts, I meant what I said about being his GF, so why after one fight am I ready to turn in the towel? And as it turns out, I have two very good answers to this:
1. I am terrified of getting that hurt again. I never ever want to feel that heart-broken again. Our first break up left me feeling like my soul was gone. I felt empty, alone, desperate, worthless and endlessly sad. I was only 23 at the time and this was my first break-up so I understand that many of those feelings were but a cruel consequence of inexperience. I know that and I know that I would be able to handle things much differently now, but there is still some fear of regressing to that low state of mind.
2. What if I can’t accept and love and support him for him? What if everything I love about him is outweighed by the things I don’t? What if I can’t believe his dreams and passions are achievable? What if I can’t appreciate his interest in befriending people from all walks of life? What if I can’t accept his colorful and aggressive past? What if I can’t accept his rough around the edges persona? What if I can’t accept a financially difficult future? What if I don’t love him enough?
I shared all of this with that same close friend and she reminded me that all relationships have their problems. And in her own clever way, she showed me that maybe I am being too hard on him. She did this by suggesting that in her own personal relationship, she is the Big and her partner is me. An abstract metaphor if you don’t know us personally. I love my friend dearly and I believe that her partner is very lucky to have her largely because she makes him a better man, and in turn, he helps make her a better woman. At the heart of things, I have always believed that I could make Big better and that in turn he can make me better. I believe that he and I balance each other; he is the ying to my yang.
So was that Monday night for naught? On the contrary; I think that it was a very important reminder that he and I need to learn how to be together, that it will not happen instantaneously. He and I have finally, after 6 years, come to the realization that we deeply love each other and want to be together. And now, we need to learn how. So while we will not have a typical life filled with houses and babies and puppies, we will have a life filled with love and adventure and kitties. Because I do love him enough to try to conquer my fears of rejection and I do love him enough to try accept him as him. And guess what? He loves me enough too.
Of course what follows in our conversation is much the same. I tell him that I am not sure he wants to move forward at the same speed that I do. He stumps me by asking me what does that even mean? He says, “well, you are my girlfriend, what else do you need to hear?” Fair enough, I am his girlfriend, what more do I need because I am sincerely not pushing to meet the parents or for him and I to move in together for real and become co-dependent. I guess I am content to be his girlfriend, unfortunately, calling someone your GF and feeling like someone’s GF are 2 very different things –I have 405 miles of proof.
So that’s that, I guess we are resolved. Or are we? I still can’t help but feel completely scared that I am making a big mistake. Am I holding on because I am too proud to let go? As a friend recently told me, I need to either get in the game and commit to him and try things out for real, or I need to break things off for real. I can’t waste any more of my time and my late 20s attractiveness on being unsure. As I told her, I don’t know. I thought I knew. I knew when I wrote my last several posts, I meant what I said about being his GF, so why after one fight am I ready to turn in the towel? And as it turns out, I have two very good answers to this:
1. I am terrified of getting that hurt again. I never ever want to feel that heart-broken again. Our first break up left me feeling like my soul was gone. I felt empty, alone, desperate, worthless and endlessly sad. I was only 23 at the time and this was my first break-up so I understand that many of those feelings were but a cruel consequence of inexperience. I know that and I know that I would be able to handle things much differently now, but there is still some fear of regressing to that low state of mind.
2. What if I can’t accept and love and support him for him? What if everything I love about him is outweighed by the things I don’t? What if I can’t believe his dreams and passions are achievable? What if I can’t appreciate his interest in befriending people from all walks of life? What if I can’t accept his colorful and aggressive past? What if I can’t accept his rough around the edges persona? What if I can’t accept a financially difficult future? What if I don’t love him enough?
I shared all of this with that same close friend and she reminded me that all relationships have their problems. And in her own clever way, she showed me that maybe I am being too hard on him. She did this by suggesting that in her own personal relationship, she is the Big and her partner is me. An abstract metaphor if you don’t know us personally. I love my friend dearly and I believe that her partner is very lucky to have her largely because she makes him a better man, and in turn, he helps make her a better woman. At the heart of things, I have always believed that I could make Big better and that in turn he can make me better. I believe that he and I balance each other; he is the ying to my yang.
So was that Monday night for naught? On the contrary; I think that it was a very important reminder that he and I need to learn how to be together, that it will not happen instantaneously. He and I have finally, after 6 years, come to the realization that we deeply love each other and want to be together. And now, we need to learn how. So while we will not have a typical life filled with houses and babies and puppies, we will have a life filled with love and adventure and kitties. Because I do love him enough to try to conquer my fears of rejection and I do love him enough to try accept him as him. And guess what? He loves me enough too.
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