No deal

My LC also suggested that I come up with my deal breakers when it comes to men. If for some reason I don't get exactly what I am looking for in another person, then what characteristics am I not willing to compromise on? I thought that this list would be hard to come up with, but actually it turns out, its not.

It is a deal breaker if
-I am not attracted to him physically or mentally
-he is cheap
-he is judgemental
-he is boring and dull
-he is too out-spokenly opinionated
-he listens exclusively to rap
-he is controlling
-he is insecure or desperate
-he is a non-drinker
-he is married or in a relationship
-he has kids
-he lives in the country
-he is ignorant or prejudice
-he is uneducated
-he is not financially stable
-he doesn't have a sense of humor

There you have it, my deal breakers. Why is it so easy to say what we don't want, but often hard to say what we do want? Ah yes, the answer is in the thread that binds my blogs, a four letter loaded word: fear. The fear of not getting what we want, the fear of failing.

I believe in 312

I had my second life coaching session yesterday...life coach sounds so much fancier than therapist doesn't it? Yes, I am really paying someone to listen to me talk about being single, this is a clear indication that I need more friends because friends have to listen to that for free. My LC does bring new insights to my thinking so it is not all a waste, and if she can help me get better at life and feel happier and more contented, then it is money well spent.

We started the conversation with what my ideal relationship would look like, who I want to be with, what I want long term, etc. I really struggled with this...I don't want to actually say what I ideally want out loud, because I know that the likelihood is that I won't get this and that will mean that I will have failed. By not saying it out loud, I am not setting myself up for disappointment. I bit the bullet and told her what my ideal relationship looks like, in a way I put it out there to the universe, and according to "the Secret" putting it out there is the first step to making it a reality...second step is to feel it as reality, and third step is to receive it. Easy right? Nope, because I struggle with step 2, believing that it can actually happen. My LC asked me if I thought it was possible for something to happen if you first don't believe it can? Honestly, I do believe that you have to believe in order for something to happen...it is the rule of the universe, law of attraction...it must be true. But I struggle with believing.

My wonderful friend here in Chi shared with me something that she once did while she was going through her self-exploration. Not knowing just what she believed in after suffering through a lot of trying and heart-breaking circumstances in her past, she made a list of what she did believe in. She is amazing and inspirational and I am glad I get to learn from her. Here is my list of beliefs.

I believe in my nephew Matthew...he is the best part of my life.
I believe in my family...who I have grown to appreciate and value more every day.
I believe in sunshine...its warmth and ability to lift the spirit.
I believe in fresh flowers...to remind us there is life.
I believe in bras...yep, really!
I believe in God and a higher power...
I believe in taking walks...(I don't believe in running!).
I believe in cats and dogs...I can't wait to get a cat named Cat.
I believe in general goodness...most people have goodness in them.
I believe in taking chances and trying...this can be hard.
I believe in 612...
I believe in the need to believe...baby steps.
I believe in equality...and non-judgement.
I believe in short skirts...
I believe that just by making a list of beliefs I am getting closer to believing in myself, my worth, and my ability to attract and receive everlasting love.

Better to err in delusion

Back from my travels to DETROIT and can I just say, it wasn't so bad, actually, it was very "guyey". Guyey meaning there were many men everywhere; on the plane, at the hotel, at the restaurant, in my suitcase, everywhere. Single ladies, Detroit is calling and its calling kinda sexy.

Know what else is kinda sexy? Me. Apparently, I am a little bit sexy, why else would I have so many "friends with benefits?" Yes, yes, CPA and I are still FWBs.
I guess the topic of conversation with my life coach tomorrow should be why do men want to be my FWB but nothing more?

Speaking of my life coach, I still have not completed my homework of creating a list of 10 awesome things about me. I feel like this is some kind of childhood project that should involve coloring crayons...what would I draw? Okay here goes:
1. Brave
2. Spontaneous
3. Integral
4. Loyal
5. Discrete
6. Generous
7. Willing
8. Non-judgemental
9. Funny (as per my friend in Chi)
10. Trend-setter

Okay, this list is off the top of my head. Feel free my loyal readers to share with the world just why you like me :). And this is my list, partially chosen because it represents me as who I am today, and me as I aspire to be in the future. For example, my generosity is limited to my tough financial situation, however, I would love nothing more to be more generous to my family and friends in the future.

It is interesting that I note bravery as a strength. Most of the time I don't feel brave, I feel scared. I feel fear all of the time. But, I do feel that I have always taken courageous actions: I have moved across the country twice, I have dined and gone to movies alone, I have asked guys out, and I have been brave enough to take action steps to get involved. In fact, just today I signed up for 2 volleyball teams that start in April.

Voila, there are awesome things about me and the most important part is that I believe them to be true. On a side note, I have often thought that there were so many awesome things about me that I couldn't understand why I was single...sometimes I am not sure if I suffer from low self esteem or too high self esteem. Better to error on the high.

Hold onto your cards

One of the reasons that we hold on desperately to our past failed relationships is because the thought of dating is daunting and exhausting. The dating experience is rife with awkward moments, uncertainty, regret, game playing, strategy, anxiety, analysis; it is like a chess match, move and counter move, always trying to get their king. Its like a staring contest, you don't want to be the one to blink first. Its also like a poker game, never show your hand and let on that you might actually like the other person, because what if they don't like you back and fold? So you hold your cards and work your ass off not to show vulnerability. If this is dating, then it is no wonder why we hold on to our past.

After seeing CPA on V-Day I decided to invite him to a movie over the weekend. Strategic move, I wanted to see new Leo movie, I didn't want to pay for it, and I wanted to have something to do on a Friday night, enter CPA. He gleefully accepted my invitation and then proceeded to step up in the guy role by checking movie times, paying for the tickets ahead of time, and picking me up (he even came to the door). We had a good time on our first official date (was it even a date?). Ironically, at the movie theater we ran into his neighbor and Hub attendee...we were outted. We affectionately held hands in the movie and then he kissed me goodnight without the suggestion of a future date. He also let me in on a house rule: no sleepovers. Remember, he does live with a pastor. Nice rule, now I have to analyze whether or not he thinks I am a bad girl, and I have to analyze whether or not this rule makes him a hypocrite.

Fearing a boring Sunday, I decided to risk it all and invite CPA over for dinner (my life coach did instruct me to put myself in vulnerable situations, and one of my "awesome" characteristics is that I take chances and try). He excitedly agreed and even picked up the dinner and cooked. It seems that I need to be the one to initiate, and then he has no problem stepping up to the plate. And I don't always need to be the initiator...he has no problem initiating and taking the lead in other situations. And I will say, we have reached an R rating...not full R, but very close. And its very good.

So there you have it, neither of us has shown our cards or opened ourselves up to being truly vulnerable by questioning out loud, whether we are in fact "dating". As far as I know, we are just sleeping together without sleeping together if you catch my drift. My assumption is that we are friends with benefits, but trust me, I have enough friends with benefits and am looking for something more. But I assure you, as the rules of dating seem to dictate, I will never admit to that out loud, I won't be the first to go all in.

Stinky cheese, stinky life?

Today is the day I hired a Life Coach. Seriously. I hired a Life Coach to help me develop short and long term goals, and create intention toward achieving successes. (And lets face it, I am desperate to talk to someone about me, even if I have to pay them)! I would liken a life coach to a self-help book or a Tony Robbins program, same ideas, same motivations, only a life coach is a live person who follows up and demands accountability! And I will note here that a life coach is not a therapist (I asked) as a therapist digs into the past and a life coach concentrates on the now and the future.

My life coach was a female and my age (yikes, my age? how embarrassing!), and very nice. (Truly in retrospect I am more embarrassed about sharing my issues and problems in the middle of a hot sexy Starbucks--apparently I am at a point of shame so low that I have no shame). We did a quick Q&A where I spilled the beans on all of my issues: from not being able to create relationships or friendships, to feeling out of place at work, to feeling like a failure for being single, to feeling like I am financially incapable, to feeling fear of letting go (of you know who), tom feeling disappointed at the speed of my growth, to feeling ultimately that I have lost my confidence. And alarmingly, I admitted that I don't know if I have faith (yes I have a general faith in God et al) but I feel like I am losing faith in everything happens for a reason, in if you let go of past relationships you open yourself up to new ones, and mostly, I feel like I have lost faith in love. I was honest, I feel a bit of a fool, but I was honest, more honest with my life coach than I bet I have been with most of my friends...what does that say? I think it says that we all put up appearances, and she confirmed such, we all want to appear like we "have it all" and are great at life and better at life than the next person, but inside, we are all struggling with something.

To reiterate, the best part of having a real live life coach is that they assign you homework and expect accountability. (Quick, one weird thing about my coach is that she attends the church I attend, and she leads a Hub (the hub is the small group I go to on Tuesdays), of course this connection only led her to ask how much I pray...well, I would like to grow spiritually so, hmm.) So my life coach assigned me some homework, and you my loyal reader get to be in on it.
1. Take 15 minutes every morning to do something that you enjoy such as reading or enjoying a cup of coffee. By doing this I will have a better start to my day. This means I have to get up early, and never in my life have I gotten up early to do anything, I have always slept till the last possible moment. But I am committed and I don't think 15 minutes has ever killed anyone.
2. Write down 10 things about myself that are awesome. What is my elevator speech?. First of all, are there 10 things? I will let you know.
3. I have to think about vulnerability. Meaning, I have to put myself in vulnerable situations where I do not feel comfortable and try to ask questions or share about myself. I have to do this every week at the Hub which is why I skipped this Tuesday's HH...guess I need to get back on the wagon.
4. I need to eliminate the word should from my vocabulary...as a result of how many times I said I should...be in a relationship, be better at my job, be more outgoing, etc, etc. I can replace should with I would like to.
5. I shall (a fancy should?) not be too hard on myself.
6. Think about the relationships in my life, while understanding that letting go makes room for new relationships to enter my life. As formerly noted, do I have the faith to believe this to be true?
7. Visualize the best case scenario of what could walk into my life. I countered this with questioning whether I would deserve that? She said that deserve is another dangerous word to be eliminated from vocabulary...to expand on next week. And excuse me, but I spent my middle school years visualizing Jonathon Taylor Thomas being my next door neighbor and falling in love with me...visualizing doesn't work! But okay, I will try.
8. Pray, honestly.

And my own on-going homeworks:
1. Drink more water
2. Try to improve diet and exercise.
Apparently, diet and water intake do affect mood and lead to depression. Maybe cheese causes depression?

I will be honest and tell you that I do feel extremely guilty for not feeling happier with my life; I do recognize that I have an amazing life, a great job, a wonderful family, and excellent health. I am unbelievably lucky, blessed, and fortunate in every way imaginable, but I am human and susceptible to feeling discontent. Maybe its the cheese.

So anyway, I will be meeting with my LC weekly to review progress and reevaluate focus. I just thought of my first "awesome" thing about me: I am trying.

Date like a clever man

Hello again, its me Mrs Robinson. I feel like a Mrs Robinson anyway. Although I have only been on dates with 4 guys here in Chicago, they have all been younger than me! I think 2 were 24, 1 was 25, and 1 was 26. I am 27 and suddenly I am feeling like I might as well be 35 (my scary age). While the guys didn't seem to mind my age, I wonder if I could ever actually seriously date a younger man?

A girlfriend of mine believes that it is at the age of 35 that a city guy grows up and is ready to be in a serious relationship, get married, and have kids. Some men I have spoken to claim that there is no specific age where this happens, however these were all single guys under the age of 35 so I don't necessarily find them to be credible. If this is the case, then dating young men under the age of 35 is a waste of time.

Thinking about it, if I were a hot guy with a great job and charming personality I would date as many women as I could without commitment. Committing to someone would be too hassling; I would have to call her on a regular basis, she would get mad at me for wanting to play video games instead of hanging out, she wouldn't like my friends, I would have to pay for her meals and drinks, she would mother me, etc, etc. As a guy I would much rather reference my list of booty calls when I need to get laid rather than deal with the relationship expectations. This makes perfect sense, men are so clever! Actually, they kind of are, but unfortunately this cleverness makes them act like assholes.

Do these clever men have the right idea? Do they make the most out of their "good" years? Do they go through life never feeling rejection or pain? Do they have stronger and longer term friendships with their buddies? Are they more accomplished at their careers because of focus? Do they have more joy and fun? Do they feel more fulfilled and content with life? Do they...? I have a feeling that the answer to these questions is YES!

I think that we city women are left with 2 choices. 1. Date a man 35+ if we are interested in finding a relationship and a husband. 2. Date like a man. Unfortunately, be prepared, if you date like a man you will likely end up in cougartown.

my funny valentine

Happy (belated) Valentine's Day everyone! My favorite holiday by far...lol. In honor of the charming holiday that couples celebrate by being in love and flaunting it duly, and singles celebrate by crawling into a hole in the sofa and eating lot of ice cream, I thought it was a good time to look back on my V Day memories.
Age 0-13 celebrated with Valentine's card--my favorite part was folding along the perforated edges. Barbie, Toy Story, Little Mermaid, and Lion King cards passed to each classmate, the best Valentine's were the ones with chocolate! (I really miss my childhood!)
Age 14-19 Every year it was crunch time from December to Feb 14 to see if we could get dates. Never worked. We ate ice cream on the couch.
Age 20- First V-Day date of sorts. Actually we were "just friends" but wouldn't you know this "nice" science nerd put the moves on me during the Big Lebowski.
Age 21- Went to the bar with girlfriends. It was fun!
Age 22- What the heck did I do this year?
Age 23- Worked this night and Big who I was casually trying to date chose to "hang out" with another girl...oh, there was drama.
Age 24- My first Valentine's day with a proper "Valentine" only I was living in NYC and so we did not get to celebrate. I sent a card.
Age 25- I worked at the restaurant I managed tonight of all nights. So embarrassed when my best friend from elementary school walked in. This is probably why I agreed to spend the rest of the night with Skipper.
Age 26- I can't remember this year either...do I have an early onset of Alzheimer's
Age 27- Spent the day with my girlfriend and her mom. :). And, because I can't seem to break this pattern, CPA came over for a little PG-13 fun. I figure if you can't beat em, join em.

My girlfriend gave me the most thoughtful gift...it is a book titled "I can't be good all the time". It is true, I can't be good all the time, and guess what, I kinda like that about myself.

God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson

"You belong to me." That is the what Mr Paul Varjack tells Ms Holly Golightly in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" one of my all time favorite movies. In this delicious film, Holly is a girl trying to get by on the generosity of rich men, but don't get me wrong, she does not at any point engage in lewd acts to smitten these men. Instead, she is a "real phony", she uses her charming personality to attract men in order to save money and earn a better life for her and her brother. Mr Paul Varjack gets by by way of his "decorator", and all is well until he falls in love with Holly. Can't blame him really, I fell in love with Holly. She is my female crush (in addition to SJP and Jen An), she is exceptional. But the climax of the movie comes and he says to a reluctant Audrey, "I'm in love with you, you belong to me and I belong to you". Unfortunately, my current circumstance allows me time to ponder such statements on a Saturday night and I do question, if you fall in love with someone, do you belong to them?

One definition of belonging states that belonging is an acceptance as a natural member or part of. Belonging as being a part of... I would say that if you love someone, you are a part of them or are working toward being a part of them. Naturally. The danger comes in if you are a part of them, are you still honoring yourself first?

I would say that relationships stipulate that you are in fact a part of the other person, your union would dictate such, ergo, 2 people in love do belong to each other. The trouble is that love doesn't conquer all. While Ms Golightly was in love, she was not willing to belong to anyone until she realized that belonging to someone was the only way to experience true happiness.

A friend of mine has always professed that you may never fall out of love until you fall in love with someone else. If that were true, then you always belong to someone else until you belong to someone new. In my life I have only ever been in love with one person Big, and in every way imaginable, and irritatingly, I have belonged to him. I have belonged to Big for a long time and although he and I do not at present have any contact nor will we ever have a future, I still belong to him in many ways. The thing is, I might belong to him, but he has never belonged to me. My search for Mr Right therefore extends past a desire to just fall in love, it extends to a search of a feeling of belonging. I want to belong to someone else, and I want them to belong to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my cinema adventure extends into the Graduate. Maybe, just maybe all future young men will belong to me, Mrs Robinson.

the good guy: the myth explored

Back in black, actually OPI Russian Navy Matte. Apparently, Matte is the new fashion in nail color and I absolutely had to try it out. My verdict: not a lover. Matte finish looks like coloring in your nails with a sharpie. Although I am not sold, I will keep it for awhile...its cutting edge and sadly represents my mood after being disappointed yet again, by a supposed "good guy".

All apologies to my readers (myself) for absence of blog this week. Truly I have felt uninspired for content, and on top of that I have suffered a wicked inability to articulate what I would like to in the natural and pretty prose I usually do. Maybe that content was better left unwritten. Fortunately, I have new content to explore: "the good guy".

Last weekend at a girlfriend's party, the subject turned to the appeal of good guys vs bad boys and how women are often more attracted to the latter. I myself will say that I like the bad boys. Of course this conversation always questions the why do nice guys finish last and why do women always go with losers? I am here to set the record straight as according to me: nice guys are not nice guys!! The truth is that men are men, the good guys screw you and the bad boys screw you (and its usually better!). The difference between the good guys and the bad boys is that when a bad boy screws you (in a metaphorical sense) you expect it and see it coming, but when a good guy screws you, you never see it coming and you will be left in pain uttering "I thought he was a good guy, I thought he was different". And when a bad boy treats you poorly or acts like an asshole, you expect it, but when a good guy does it, it is unexpected and to a point less forgivable.

Here are a few examples of the good guys I have tried on.
-One good guy (who actually was in love w/ me) cancelled on me on my birthday because it was raining outside.
-One good guy broke up with me because I would not have sex with him.
-One good guy assaulted me in public by pulling my hair and verbally insulting me.
-And many many good guys have used me for intimate purposes never to be heard of from again.
-And many many other examples of how good guys act like assholes.
Okay, maybe my good guy examples are not all that dramatic and painful, however each one was a clear reminder to me that there is no good guy vs bad boy, there is only men, and they are all the same; they are all capable of hurting you.

Here are some reasons why I like bad boys:
-Bad boys are sexy and bad.
-Bad boys are confident and charming.
-Bad boys are busy and exciting.
-Bad boys are a challenge.
And once you fall for a bad boy, you think you can change them, they become a project, an obsession. But I think any of the women in this situation can tell you, you never actually expect things to work out with a bad boy, they are for Mr Right Now, and not for Mr Right. And because of this, when things do end, you knew they would. When things don't work out with a good guy, a guy you want to see as Mr Right, it is unexpected.

At the end of the day good guy vs bad boy doesn't really matter. We are all attracted to who we are attracted to, to that je ne said quoi. Mr Right will be the guy who treats you the best and loves you the most of all of the good guys and bad boys. So please, take it easy on the bad boys, they aren't so bad.

And here to substantiate a myth of can you change a bad boy into a good man? I know one girl who actually did it. My darling friend started to date a bad boy, he smoked, did recreational drugs, and had a ponytail. Then after a few dates she tells him that she won't seriously date a guy who does drugs...he quit immediately, cut his hair, and started wearing premium denim and Burberry business suits. It can happen!