Hold onto your cards

One of the reasons that we hold on desperately to our past failed relationships is because the thought of dating is daunting and exhausting. The dating experience is rife with awkward moments, uncertainty, regret, game playing, strategy, anxiety, analysis; it is like a chess match, move and counter move, always trying to get their king. Its like a staring contest, you don't want to be the one to blink first. Its also like a poker game, never show your hand and let on that you might actually like the other person, because what if they don't like you back and fold? So you hold your cards and work your ass off not to show vulnerability. If this is dating, then it is no wonder why we hold on to our past.

After seeing CPA on V-Day I decided to invite him to a movie over the weekend. Strategic move, I wanted to see new Leo movie, I didn't want to pay for it, and I wanted to have something to do on a Friday night, enter CPA. He gleefully accepted my invitation and then proceeded to step up in the guy role by checking movie times, paying for the tickets ahead of time, and picking me up (he even came to the door). We had a good time on our first official date (was it even a date?). Ironically, at the movie theater we ran into his neighbor and Hub attendee...we were outted. We affectionately held hands in the movie and then he kissed me goodnight without the suggestion of a future date. He also let me in on a house rule: no sleepovers. Remember, he does live with a pastor. Nice rule, now I have to analyze whether or not he thinks I am a bad girl, and I have to analyze whether or not this rule makes him a hypocrite.

Fearing a boring Sunday, I decided to risk it all and invite CPA over for dinner (my life coach did instruct me to put myself in vulnerable situations, and one of my "awesome" characteristics is that I take chances and try). He excitedly agreed and even picked up the dinner and cooked. It seems that I need to be the one to initiate, and then he has no problem stepping up to the plate. And I don't always need to be the initiator...he has no problem initiating and taking the lead in other situations. And I will say, we have reached an R rating...not full R, but very close. And its very good.

So there you have it, neither of us has shown our cards or opened ourselves up to being truly vulnerable by questioning out loud, whether we are in fact "dating". As far as I know, we are just sleeping together without sleeping together if you catch my drift. My assumption is that we are friends with benefits, but trust me, I have enough friends with benefits and am looking for something more. But I assure you, as the rules of dating seem to dictate, I will never admit to that out loud, I won't be the first to go all in.