Caveat emptor

Caveat emptor. Buyer beware. Isn't that how the saying goes? You make the decision to take on a new label, you think you do enough research, you think you comp shop enough options, you think you understand the return policy, you sign off on any disclosures, and you knowingly, yet sometimes unknowingly take on all risk associated with this new label. Why worry about the risk when the reward of the shiny new label is so appealing?

According to Wiki, closely related to caveat emptor is buyer's remorse. Outside of a few gym memberships and an updo gone wrong (which I returned), I have generally avoided buyers remorse. Okay, and yes, the pair of BCBG Hammer pants was a $40 mistake, but other than that, I have always stood by my decisions, even if my credit card company/Dad disagreed. I have on the other hand experienced feelings of regret for non-buyers remorse. Like that A&F sweater my mom didn't get for me when I was 14 and that time I didn't drink wine in Paris. I still feel it.

Unfortunately, I have experienced feeling of both buyer beware and buyer's remorse this past week, and I am not the only one.

I am sure that this was predicted and is overdue for some, but my la la label of GF may have come to an end. Didn't I tell you I wasn't cut out for that label? Didn't I? Big and I had an epic fight/disagreement the other night that left us both feeling remorse and regret. Our disagreement perpetuated by wine, bad moods, exhaustion, emotion, and PMS (it is real), was so heated and dramatic that it landed the both of us back in the dreaded 2006. It got nasty and while we both apologized, our argument shed light on some very big potential issues. No need for details here, but the jist is that he and I are so completely different that compromising and finding a middle may be impossible.

A few of our issues:
-He comes from the hood, and I come from a place of delusion where I act entitled and above everyone (I promise you I do not like that about myself).
-He loves attention and new people, and I tend to dislike both.
-He is easy-going and I am rigid and uptight.
-He likes to argue and prove a point through examination and I prefer to talk about the weather.
-He thinks its his place to intervene in a street fight and I choose to run the other way, and fast.
-He is welcoming and compassionate and I am judgmental and selfish.
-He is late-night and I am 9pm.

But, come on, I know I sound terrible but I do win on some points:
-I am responsible and professionally successful, he is a struggling artist.
-I make good decision and don't get in trouble, he is always in trouble.
-I would never intentionally hurt someone else, he would and has.
-I am not manipulative and I do not put myself or others in danger, he does.
-I am fiercely loyal, he is out for himself, always.

And where we are like?
-We both think we are always right.

Actually, this is all off the top of my head, and I am starting to get the impression that maybe I am the problem. Maybe its me?

Well, regardless, it seems that our differences, fault aside, may have left us both with feelings of buyer's remorse. But, I did enter into this being aware - I knew the risk, I knew that he and I might not make it. I knew that and I still decided to take on the risk and the label; the possibility of a future with him was worth that risk. I am not sure he feels the same.

So where are we now? Well, for starters, I am trying to differentiate between my feelings of loving him and wanting a life with him, from my need to not be rejected, again, by him. When I said it was 2006 again, for a few minutes it was. For a few minutes I would have done anything to stop him from leaving me, from walking away from us. That is absolutely frightening as we both feel like we have come so far from that version of us. He too was back in 06 seeing me as that person and it scared him.

That said, today I can say that while I struggled with that distinction initially, as I thought about things, and as the week has passed, I know now that I love him, and that I want to be with him, I want to compromise, I want to understand, I want to support, I want to accept him, for him.

And where is he? He is not sure if we can make it, if we are in fact meant to be.

Although the last few days have been excruciatingly painful and sad, I know that it is no longer 2006. I have made the decision to handle this differently, I will pick yoga over wine, eyeliner over cigarettes, smiles over tears. I will be okay.

I don't know if he and I are in fact over, but I do know that something between us died that day, and I fear that what died was that guiding belief that he and I were meant to be together. If that is gone then I guess, as much as we both don't want to admit it, we were both wrong.

Well, maybe a few more tears.

I love you Kate

Taking on the label of girlfriend is not quite as easy at is sounds – like with any great label worth owning, careful planning must happen before any action is taken. Take for example buying a car; once you have settled on the model, color, and leather interior, you must then negotiate the best price (or at least think you did), they will then pry into your credit history and wonderful FICO, and they will ask you to sign and commit away the next 60 months of your life. Similarly, the same headaches can happen when planning to acquire that new LV monogram; how much can I afford to put down in cash money, how much can I charge on my Macy’s card till I reach my credit limit, can the remaining balance fit on my Visa, and last, how can I save face in front of the sales person? Careful planning indeed must happen before taking on any new label worth possessing.

So where am I at in acquiring my new label of GF. (Side note, GF is the new girlfriend, kapish?) Well, to be completely honest, I am still in the early stages of this planning process. Overcoming my objections to that particular label was only step one. Step two, much more complicated, which ironically, is the label he and I have gone with for the last 6 years.

I am getting riddled w/ the “are you married/dating/in a relationship/have any kids/do you have a boyfriend” questions ever since starting my new job – your marital status are among the first questions to come up don’tcha know? My answer to one of those pesky questions last week came off less than clear – “I have a relationship in Minne.” She looked at me quizzically, like what does that mean? “Um, a sort boyfriend, I guess”. Later that day I decided to bring up the label thing to Big one more time. He was slightly curious and slightly annoyed that I was bringing it up a second time. I mean, the first time he said that “um, well, yeah, okay, whatever, um, if you want to consider me your boyfriend, then yes, okay, I’m your boyfriend”. I am sure this is not unusual, a guy feeling uncomfortable saying labels…it took Big forever to feel comfortable saying “I love you”, and now he does it with great frequency and with great ease (in fact he puts me to shame in this category). So the BF/GF thing will take him some time to warm to I’m sure. I think most importantly is that he does think of me that way, and is willing to concede on that label issue if it is what I want. Which it is something I want for sure, but step two in my planning is going to take some time, because as some of my readers may be wondering, there is still one big obstacle that I need to remove before he and I are able to move forward in any true sense that the BF/GF label suggests. And fear not, I will get there very soon.

Yesterday during a regular conversation on the phone, Big said, “I love you Kate (well, I always wanted to be named Kate), I love you Kate, I am so lucky to have you.” He is lucky and I am lucky.