I still do like me.

Breaking up with Big was big, very big. It was probably the biggest step I have ever taken in a relationship; the step of expressing how I feel even if it hurts the other person. If you've done it before, bravo. So far things have been okay. I have the benefit of distance to help lighten the blow and minimize the "realness" of the matter, but I can expect that like with anything, I will feel things when I feel them. Rather than sadness, my initial feelings have been rifled with anxiety and impatience. Its like now that I have broken Big, I should have a new guy and a new relationship, like yesterday. Well? Now I remember why I hate being single.

A friend the other day told me that for as long as she has known me, I have never ever been fake - she actually said it as a sort of compliment. Daily I am reminded that we live in a society that breeds and encourages women to be fake - happy, agreeable, likable, Stepford. We are conditioned from birth to believe that unless we are in a relationship we are missing out on something, and with the help of "self-help" and popular TV programming, we are essentially taught how to not be ourselves in order to get the guy. All of our actions and reactions are a product of an industry. Its money honey.

Not that that's bad or anything. So what if the majority of how I behave in a relationship is the result of memorizing every SATC episode verbatim? I actually did use Carrie's "don't you say her name to me!" line from season 2 in my first break up with Big. So no I don't condemn it, but as I get older, I do question whether my actions and reactions to life are not a Pavlov product? When did I stop thinking for myself? Or probably more accurately, why did I never learn to think for myself?

As I told my friend, I am not sure that my not being able to be "fake" was entirely a good thing. I mean its not like my phone is ringing, or anything. Does my realness equate to unlikeable? In all actuality it is not my realness that makes me unlikeable, but rather my inability to be real with other people. I cannot pretend to be someone I am not, but I have a very hard time being who I am in front of other people. And that is the part of me that I need to work on.

Apologies for the random series of ah-has this post, but I guess my lessons this week were not entirely cohesive. I am glad that I am not fake with people, that for the most part I maintain an honest persona. I am glad that I now recognize that I need to think for myself and be careful to not confuse pop culture with right and wrong. I recognize that I need to continue trying to be open and show who I am to the world because even now, I still do like me.