Hello

I had her at hello.

Girl Big that is.  I had her at hello.  I knew I would.  I liked her, I knew she would like me (of course), and so Uncommon at first sight, I had her at Hello.  Today this most recent Chi-mate departed Chi-town for WA-town.  Unfortunately, Chi-mates leaving is nothing new to me (remember CA-bound Chi-mate)?  So, as it turns out, my mates leave, but I remain…what does that tell you?  Is Chi-town my hometown?  Am I am perma Chi-town homey?

Pardon my 8 month absence.  To summarize the last 8 months: I was really content, then happy, then excited, then nervous, then anxious, then suspect, then happy, then unhappy, then naughty, then really angry, then depressed, and now hopeful(ish).  Whew.

In a different kind of nut shell: in the last 8 months I ended things with Danny, Big moved to Chi chez moi, I kissed a Texan, Big moved out of Chi chez moi (unrelated to Texan), I got back w/ Danny, I sought therapist and drugs, I went on a date w/ Andy, and girl Big moved to WA WA.  I think that’s enough for 8 months, don’t you?

Yes, it was overall a tragic 8 months.  The end of Big and I part deux was ugly and sad and worse, an ending like no other.  Meaning it was not one of those other endings where I claim “its really over this time”.  Nope, this time is different, I mean, this time it really is over.  For real.  (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds).  I guess that when I begged him to take me back a few weeks ago and he declined, I got the idea that we are truly done.  Voila.

Not especially interested in dwelling on that minor (cough) occurrence at the moment (drugs are a miracle product), instead, I would like to focus on my most recent raison d’etre, girl Big, my Chi-mate.  I couldn’t wait to tell her everything; every aspect of my day from what I wore to who I saw to what happened at work to what I ate for dinner to what I wanted to eat for dinner the next night to what happened with all my mens to you name it- absolutely everything.  She was my girl Big.  The only difference is that ‘girl Bigs’ treat you well.  They love you, build you up, listen, laugh, confide, and always say yes to the drink.  Girl Bigs are great.  And I was her girl Big – I wanted to know everything.

So what do I do without my Big and my girl Big?  Where do I find an outlet?  Over the past 3 days I have had no less than 30 thoughts of, I need to tell girl Big about this.  Then I realize I can’t.  I feel that with Big too.  What I miss the most is being able to tell him about my day.  To call him and have him call me everyday.  I miss him telling me he loves me and that he misses me.  I miss him telling me that there is something special about me that he just can’t get away from.  I miss having him and having that.

And now I fear I will miss girl Big even more.  She was the one I truly confided in, the one I did share everything with, the one I was honest with.  So maybe while I thought I that I had a great relationship with Big and Danny, truly, it was the relationship with Big and Danny and Girl Big that worked.  I needed all 3 to get through my relationship with Big.  So what I (should) be searching for is a guy that combines the 3 relationships – the pure unexplainable love, chemistry if you will, (Big), the intimacy and awe (Danny), and the honesty and appreciation (girl Big) – if I can get all of that (well, you know what I mean) in one guy, then okay, he will have me at hello.