Just a quick update as I have ample time. This has been the first weekend in months that I haven't had plans. I have spent the entire weekend alone, and I have to say that I am really enjoying it. Now I will see Danny tomorrow so I will avoid spending three days solo and will avoid slitting my wrists--kidding of course.
Not that this weekend hasn't been busy. It has been chock-full of emotional weight that started on Thursday night. Thursday night brought on an emotional conversation that was way overdue. I am glad that it happened as we were able to clear the air and come to terms with what is, but it did leave me a bit exhausted, and worse it left me a bit unmoved. I guess when you come to terms with accepting yourself, it is easier to let go of those that don't. Of course, it is still a loss, and as with any loss, feelings sometimes are too hard to put into words.
Then there was the conversation with Big last night--(details available in "what a girl doesn't want").
And then there is the fact that almost every conversation with Danny has a hot and a cold aspect to it. No, no, not every interaction with Danny leads to warm butterfly feelings and growth. Generally, spending time with him entails him talking and blithering endlessly on every topic imaginable, and him unintentionally lecturing me on certain truths. Truth be told I generally love every minute of his speeches as I now know so much I would have never known from why one shouldn't eat caviar to the exact details of Howard Hughes life and demise. He knows something about everything and I love it. But what I don't love is that I am always on the defensive around him. I feel like there is no reason he should like me and therefore I treat everything he says with a certain defensive guard. He likes me, so why can't I let it be? And obviously, I have to live with the fact that he likes me, but he also likes other people. I am special, but I am really not that special, I am attractive, but everyone has attractive qualities, I am interesting, but everyone is interesting in different ways, I am brave for moving to a new city, but everyone here is a transient, etc, etc. Now, to be clear, Danny says only the former statements and not necessarily the latter. He likes me, but it is me pointing out that he likes everyone so it doesn't really mean anything for him to like me. So I am defensive and I am trying my best to accept our relationship for what it is. But what if I fall in love with him? I might. He thinks I surely will.
Danny is so different from the man I initially thought he was. He is still a vulgar and inappropriate asshole, but he is in a way that is entirely informed. Every thing he says is premeditated and has specific, if not ironic, intent. His whole existence is centered around the idea of questioning everything--and he does and so his understanding of the world, the politics, the technology, the language, the everything has background in research. And he knows so much. And its scary. He is a genius in some ways, and I told him that I think that it is a little bit sad that he is being "wasted", he obviously disagrees and thinks that for him to do anything he would need multi-billions of dollars to affect change. His contribution therefore is to not have kids and to use as little resources (energy, etc) as possible. Yea, I could fall in love with him. That sucks.
Jordan texted me from Madrid yesterday. He is drinking Sangria and will let me know when he's back...very cute.
My Venezuelan facebooked and said he may be in town this weekend and he wants to go to the beach. (I kind of doubt he'll make it, but I probably shouldn't eat starting Wednesday, just in case)
And Big called again today. He was a bit less dramatic and said that he thought more about things and said that a lot of what I said made sense. We don't necessarily know each other anymore. And so he asked me on a date. That in it of itself is a huge step for him and I truly believe that it is without the air of manipulation. I think he genuinely wants to go on a proper date because we haven't gone on one since we were initially getting together. So yes, Big I will go on a date with you :).
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