Honestly, more honesty

Honesty is catchy. My full disclosure with Danny left me craving more honesty and these feelings were on my side a few days ago when I broke the news to Big that I was seeing other people. This was after he broke the Big news that he was moving back to the Minne.

I should be experiencing feelings of devastation, sadness, a broken-heart, and regret right now, but instead, I really don't feel much of anything. Not true, I feel proud of myself for telling him a lot of the truth, and I also feel proud of myself for not retracting, caving, or trying to "get him back". I successfully and once again, broke up with Big.

He was laid off from his LA job which is very disappointing. There was not enough work and he was the least senior member, so unfortunately, he was the one to go. He is handling it okay, even a bit cheery as he would like to get out of CA. But as I told him, if he really wants to see his dream come true, then he should do what he can to stay and make it happen.

That was one Big surprise, the other is the fact that Big considered us to be in a relationship and not seeing other people. Um, news to me considering we talk with the frequency of a full moon. I knew that he allegedly wasn't seeing anyone else as he was too busy. But I guess it surprises me that he actually thought that I was okay with that kind of relationship and that I wasn't going to see anyone else. I guess this must have been a product of my inability to articulate what I want, or what my expectations are. Instead, I didn't really care what he thought we were doing, I had my cake and ate it to, if that phrase applies.

So my news about seeing other people came as a surprise to him, but he took it well, a bit too well even. He knows that I am right. I mean how do you have a relationship with someone who live 2000 miles away and whose definition of a "relationship" is so completely different from your own? You don't. Every day that passes I get better and better at understanding who I am and what I want. I am no longer basing my self worth on him and I haven't for a long time. It is time that I am honest with myself and with him, we are not right for each other, we cannot make each other happy, and love has got nothing to do with it. So as I told him, I am seeing other people, I have moved on with my life.

And because I was on a roll and why not? I faced my Stalker. You may recall my Stalker (played by Terrence Howard) is totally in love with me and desperately wants to marry me and have a family. I entertained the idea, tried to buy in, but ultimately knew that I would never be able to go through with marrying a man I had no feelings for. I am not that big of a liar and I am certainly not cruel. So in an extremely cowardly fashion, I stopped talking to him about 6 months ago without so much as an explanation. I just stopped answering his calls. We were talking about once or twice a week at the time so my absence was noticed and very hurtful. I was wrong, I was awful, I just couldn't face him. I couldn't face having the conversation where I would have to tell him that I don't have any feelings for him and that I never ever will. It almost seemed kinder not to say it, but lets be honest, the reason I didn't want to say it is because I would have felt uncomfortable, not out of concern for him.

To make things right I called him. I told him I was sorry and that I was wrong. I then was honest and told him the truth, that we did not have a future. He really is a good and calm person who has had more hardships in his life than anyone should. He said that he understood, that he wasn't mad at me, and basically that he is not going anywhere, he will wait until I change my mind. Um! Wrong answer! I restated that I won't change my mind, but in his mind there is a chance I might. He really doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to be with him. He would treat me well, give me anything in the world I want, let me do whatever I want, let us live anywhere I want, etc, etc. He would do anything to make me happy and according to him, other guys will just use me. He pleads a good case, but I am not ready to settle for good enough, I may settle for a colored paper life in the end, but I will not settle for good enough because I can't fake it. Now, I didn't tell him all that per se, it seemed kinder not to.