the light side of the dark

I did a very brave thing today. I cancelled my cable television! How am I possibly going to fill my time if not by watching hours and hours of Criminal Mind marathons?!? An intervention was surely needed. Too much murder.

With no more cable I will have ample opportunity to work-out, learn to cook, job search, apartment search, find myself, make a budget, create a bucket list, learn to make clothes, become a famous bra designer, and more! I know, I know, who am I kidding? I don't "work-out" and I sure don't cook outside of slicing cheese. So what am I really going to do with my time? Well, I will read, do some yoga, and hopefully actually find myself and my direction. Now that I am good at life and am growing more confident by the day, the possibilities are endless. Well that is what they say anyway.

Danny and I had this conversation last night as it were. The conversation was about limitations. He feels like there really are no limitations. Like if one loses an arm, they just learn to use the other arm better. He feels that power is endless, we just need to learn to make the best of our strengths.

While I am sure that to most of you Danny seems like kind of a creep--and he is, he is a completely vulgar, crude, antagonizing, dark, tortured, frustrating, don't introduce him to anyone you know, kind of guy, but he is also the most intelligent, most interesting, most considerate/caring, most informed, most consistent, and most honest guy I have ever known. He is changing me. How you may ask? Well, I am becoming more honest, I am trying to recognize and use my personal power, I am also starting to seek out information, and I am locking all of my door-locks, among many many other things. He really is changing me by making me curious and more safe.

There is one thing that he said that is kind of bothering me. He said that his biggest fear is that he will be wasting my time because what if during the time I am spending with him, I could be missing the opportunity to meet a guy who would make me happy. He will never ever be a guy who you could have an actual relationship with. Certainly not a guy who would do the marriage or children thing. He is just content as is. He wants to date as many people as he can--even at the same time. So he is a little afraid that I will become too attached and want things from him that he can't give me. I really think that he is most concerned for me, and not for him. And he knows that he is not going anywhere, at least probably not, so he will continue seeing me as we are for as long as I want.

Now the reason that I am annoyed is because somehow I have managed to take this kind intentioned comment to mean something else...like somehow he is saying that I am weak or naive or doing something wrong. I hate to feel like I am making a mistake. I feel like making mistakes makes you look bad. And I don't want to seem wrong here. So come on, I need to go on the defensive right? I have my eyes wide open so give me some credit.

Obviously, I am reading into his words which I am apparently not allowed to do as he says. So I guess I will take him at face value, that he is not trying to make me look bad, he is just acknowledging the obvious. I am not going to get what I want out of life, out of him. For someone so dark, he sure shows me the light. And he does have a very real and valid point. I answered him simply stating that if by knowing him I am becoming a better, more honest, more curious, more confident, and smarter me, then he is not wasting my time, not at all in fact because this better version of me will be able to attract and evoke the better version of those around me.