I went for a late night swim with Mr. Perfect Jordan last night :). I took a trip to Brazil last Saturday and then fasted for two days in order to be Trina Turk bikini ready. And shockingly, I actually felt that I was bikini ready, sans the slimming tan. I was probably invisible to Jordan as my skin is nearly translucent. Chi-town does not have any sun! I went directly to Jordan's after work and once again fell in love, not exactly with him, but with his 50th floor view of the downtown skyline. Incredible, breathtaking view. I am actually having a bit of a hard time separating my feelings for him, from my feelings for his apartment. TBD, at least I hope.
At least I hope because I felt that there was something a little missing from our date last night. To be fair, he was fresh home from a very crazy weekend in a very crazy place so he was a bit, and admittedly so, mellow. I like mellow, I am actually mellow all of the time, sometimes I am so mellow I resemble a corpse. He on the other hand is generally high-energy. Mismatch? Anyway, he is a great conversationalist so he kept the convo moving, mostly revolving around himself, which as you now know, is fine with me as I do not like talking much about myself. In this case I feel even less like talking about myself because for the first time possibly ever, I feel like I am not good enough, like my apartment isn't good enough, my things aren't good enough, my clothes aren't good enough, my education isn't good enough, my job isn't good enough, my social life isn't good enough, my experiences aren't good enough, etc, etc. I have never felt so inadequate and just to be clear, its not that he makes me feel this way, not at all (in fact, for a guy like him to still call me after he saw me "the next day" for an extended period of hangover hanging out, I give him a lot of credit and think he's a bit nuts!). So its not that he makes me feel inadequate, it is more so his living the life that I envision myself living, that makes me feel entirely inadequate and a bit like a failure. There I said it.
For my regular readers you may recall that I have mentioned before that I just kind of let life happen to me. I went to the easiest and biggest school near me because I didn't want to fill out college applications, I often skipped class and rarely ever studied and easily achieved a respectable GPA, I was given several promotions at my job not by trying exactly but by being naturally good at my job. I honestly have never had to try very hard to get by in life. Obviously, my efforts to find Mr. Right have not followed in suit. I live a great life but could I have had the life I really wanted, the life that Mr. Perfect and all of the other YPs living in his building have, had I had more ambition? Probably yes, and that my friends makes me feel inadequate.
Taking a life lesson from a very good friend, I can either choose to settle for a Good Enough paper life, or I can try to make the life I want happen. It is up to me, it is not up the random fate of meeting a guy already leading this life. You cannot rely on others to make you happy, instead (and I really hate this) we have to make ourselves happy.
Back to Jordan, he and I had a nice, very low key evening, but I didn't feel any "sparks" and I didn't feel like he was in-to-me per se. The first couple of nights we spent together, I definitely felt the sparks, so was this an anomaly, or was this a sobering honest encounter? I really really hope he calls again, and if he doesn't then I am going to try very hard not to let it devastate me too much. After all, feeling "inadequate" and aspiring to a different lifestyle is much different than feeling "worthless". I assure you, I am not worthless, in fact, I am worth far more than paper, but that darlings, is something that I need to prove and earn myself.
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