Amazing grace

So Big and I had a very interesting conversation on Sunday night. He couldn't stop telling me about his new BFF Kendall. Yes, according to All my Children, Kendall happens to be a girl's name. I instantly didn't like her, and not to mention that she is an LA hippie who carries a $3000 Louis Vuitton bag. Hippie. Um, more like Poser. Anyway, he is very protective of his friendship w/ K-doll as she is his only friend in the LA after 1 week. I guess he had a heart-to-heart w/ her and learned a lot about himself in the process. And BTW, don't worry, she has a boyfriend. So this tete a tete included the mention of me as in, "its complicated". Wow, I cannot believe that I was actually acknowledged in any way in his life. I have to believe his enlightening conversation w/ K-doll that led him to his slightly but not entirely odd behavior Sunday.

As we were discussing us, he asked me what I considered us to be. I said that I considered us to be in an uncommitted relationship. He said are you seeing anyone else, and I said no (alright, please reserve judgement) and he said he is not and not planning on seeing anyone else so then we are in a sort of relationship. Of course he then asked the very timely "what do you want" question. He always wants to know what do I want? What do I want from him? As you know, I cannot answer this question without a lot of hesitation. If I tell him what I want, then I will lose him and I will be alone.

Fortunately, I had a six hour drive back to the Chi to consider this question. A six hour drive taking until 2 in the am propelled by non-diet coke and a movie-theater size box of Reese's pieces. Not sure I was in my right mind. And for the record, I do realize that when it comes to Big I sing a different tune every week. It all started back in Jan where Big and I were O.V.E.R. to us making peace with there being no "us", to my accepting that I need to move on from him, to him abandoning me moving to LA, to me him now considering us to be in a cross-country "relationship". I think it is the combination of love and fear that drive us to this. That said, here is the tune for this week:

I don't think I want to be w/ Big. He is not the kind of man that I can be with long-term. Big always started out as a good for now (exciting, bad ass, a challenge), but not someone I would marry. Well, I am 27 going on 30, I need to consider marriage because it is what I want within the next 5 years. Big does not posses the integrity, the stability, or the basic kindness that I would want in a future forever partner. I will say that I really love Big, but I do not want my life to turn into settling, to settling for expecting the average and miserable. Frankly, believe it or not, I have too much pride for that. No, instead I want to be romanced, shown affection, paid for, given the option of children, and treated like I am the best thing that has ever happened in the world. And guess what? I want to feel that exact same way about the other person.

Big actually paid me the best compliment he ever has on Sunday (the last great compliment came when we first started dating when he told me I was the only woman he had ever met who had so much grace--I think I lost some of my grace after meeting him), he said that I am AMAZING and he said it more than once. He thinks I am amazing--which is amazing. I had no idea that he thought of me like that. He thinks I am amazing, I think I am amazing, therefore I no longer need to prove to him my worth.

...alright, I can probably write a thousand posts about this and I likely will. So stay tuned.