tears for fears

It happened again last night, the tears. Its really weird, I don't actually feel emotional about Big moving most of the time, but then Big will say the key phrase out loud I am moving to LA this Friday, and I instantly burst into tears. To give you a better idea of the spontaneity, its kind of like the SATC season 6 ep 11 "the domino effect", where Big is in town (from CA) and tells Carrie he is having a little heart thing done and she immediately bursts into tears. This happens throughout the episode, until at last, he recovers and turns back into Big, him as Big she can handle, him as a loved one having heart work done, she cannot. I feel like it is similar with my Big, Big as an asshole I can handle, there not being a Big I cannot. I guess in theory, Big is still a Big no matter what his zipcode.

He's not coming to Chicago. Didn't I call that? (Stupid intuition). Apparently, his dad is driving down to CA with him. (Stupid dad). So he will not be detouring to Chi, he will not be saying goodbye. Obviously this is when the tears started. I really can't believe I won't see him.

In his attempt to console me, he only made it worse. He said something to the effect of, this might not even happen, what if I can't sell my place or find a renter, what if I can't go? Trust me, him not going is worse. It is worse not because I need him to go to move on etc etc, it is worse because he needs this, he needs to have this opportunity. I can handle Big going, I can cry, I can feel sad, I can handle it, what I don't think I can handle is for him to not move forward in his life, and move closer to achieving his dreams. It would almost be too devastating for him, and therefore for me. I am no longer selfish in our relationship, I no longer think that we are not together because of me, I no longer feel the pain of not being enough, I now see him for who he is, and I see the pain he would go through for not realizing his dreams. I guess, what I am saying, is bring on the tears.