Against all odds

I finally cried, and I cried hard, and I cried for Big to Big. Its really happening, Big is moving to LA...life imitates art. He hadn't called me for over 2 weeks since he left for LA for his interview. He hadn't returned my voicemail and only barely returned my text w/ an "I'm busy, talk to you later". Truth is if I hadn't been so otherwise engaged with my Venezuelan, I would have been extremely pissed off and irritated. And that's exactly how I felt last night when I called him.

He very cooly answered the phone, like I was putting him out in some way for calling. I instantly recognized the distance in his voice, his icy tone, the asshole, the quiet, it was all very familiar. Familiar yet I can't quite explain it...it is the familiar where you know someone so well that their behaviors, moods, actions, everything is familiar and you just know. So this familiar asshole was very cold and rude to me on the phone when I asked him why the x&$%& he hadn't called me to tell me the news. Of course his excuse for everything is he is busy...busy moving to LA this Friday. So it finally hit me, hit me hard, hit me like a ton of bricks, my Big, for better or worse my heart, is moving to LA this Friday. And I finally cried.

So this familiar side of Big comes out when he wants to avoid certain conversations...he really wanted to avoid telling me because he (claims) he doesn't know what to say, and I think partially he was afraid of what my reaction would be. Apparently, he thought that I would be angry and yell at him or something. Again, I know Big pretty well, he doesn't seem to know me very well (or he hasn't been paying attention because I really haven't yelled at him since October when I found out he was still "just" sharing a bed with his X)...um not quite the same situation unless he is moving with his X to LA in which case I would yell very loud. He claims that he is going alone, and that is about as much as he would say. I am getting the feeling that he is trying not to tell me something, but I don't know what it is and I don't want to know something that will hurt me so I am not pushing it. But there is a possibility that he is a just scared of leaving his life so abruptly and really doesn't quite know how to handle it. Big has 612 (Mpls area code) tattooed on his chest, he loves Mpls, he loves his dog, he loves his motorcycle, he loves his place, he loves his life. He hates LA, hates the people, but his passion for his dreams mean more to him than anything or anyone in the world and he will do whatever it takes. While this was something I could never really understand about him, I have learned to accept this unrelenting aspiration, and even admire it. So maybe he is scared, maybe he is sad, maybe he will miss me. Maybe, I will never know as he doesn't seem to want to talk to me about it.

I asked him to stop in Chicago on his way to LA...I need to see him. He doesn't know if he wants to stop...saying how he hates goodbyes. As I reminded him, he has said goodbye to me twice now, I have left him twice...and its true, our very last goodbyes on my way out of town is always pretty awkward and a bit cold...certainly not warm and passionate. Could our goodbyes really have been that hard on him so that he wants to avoid saying goodbye to me altogether? And this goodbye has the potential to be long-term and life-changing. This goodbye has the potential to be lasting and the final end of a relationship between us that both of us thought might not actually end. He did say just last Christmas how he thinks that we'll end up together in the end. Even just knowing that he feels that way, against all odds http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OiV_5kEt6A, comforts me and has helped me unknowingly prepare for his departure.

I asked him to stop in Chicago because I need him to, I need him to do it for me, I have never asked him for anything but I need him to do this one thing. I don't think he'll stop though. Its just not him, its just not who he is.