He's just not that into you

Okay, last night did not go as planned. Again, CPA cancelled Friday night with me (I was so pissed!) but we managed to get together yesterday night...my wonderful plan of figuring out what his motives are did not work out at all. Our night was not to go as planned from the moment I got a friendly call from my very hot Latin FWB. He explained that his young German exchange student and his girlfriend were stranded in Chicago and needed a place to stay...naturally I agreed to help them out and take 2 young 19 year old Germans in off the street. I didn't bother telling CPA in advance, I figured he owed me for standing me up on Fri.

So CPA came over and the 4 of us spent an hour together chatting. CPA was extremely kind and comfortable and made them feel very comfortable. Then when the German's left for dinner CPA and I started down the path of our typical benefits, but I bravely stopped and told him I needed to ask him something. Now let me explain first of all that I am TERRIBLE with these conversations, I have spent 10 years avoiding them (I think that I was scarred at 17 when I asked a guy to prom) so I have a difficult time articulating what I want.

Okay so here is a summary of our conversation.
Me: I don't like the idea of being the girl you come over to see for... (literally, ...)
Him: Well, I really thought we were going to do your taxes tonight?
Me: No, but you know what I mean, I am just too old for that type of relationship and I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something more, that has the potential to be longer term.
Him: (Silence)
Me: I just need you to know where I am coming from, I am just not interested in the whole FWB relationship.
Him: Well, that's good.
Me: Why is that good?
Him: Well FWBs never lead anywhere.
Me: I know, that's the whole genius and point behind the FWB.
Him: (Laugh).

And that was it. That was our conversation, I told you I was bad at them. I guess from what I took away from the short conversation is that he is not interested in me. Wow, Big moving to LA and CPA not into me, what a crappy couple of days. Or it is possible that he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about or wasn't listening, and I deduce this because we managed to have benefits even after I said I did not want a FWB relationship...obviously my actions did not necessarily support my firm stance...but you know.

I feel like I just can't win. Even with the power of intention, with coming to terms of letting Big go (to LA apparently), and with braving a conversation I would have never braved in the past, I am getting nowhere. The terrible part is that I actually do like CPA despite him being a home-body, young, shorter than me, slightly naive, etc, I actually do like him. As a friend and I talked about earlier today, we hate liking people, it opens us up to getting hurt. I don't want to get hurt and even through my personal growth and life coaching, I still take rejection really hard, so hard that I am not sure if it is worth opening myself up. For those who know me, they know that although I do fear being hurt and rejected, I still open myself up to the possibility, I do take chances, I do put in the effort despite my fears, and I do get hurt. This scenario reminds me of the movie "he's just not that into you" (which is the story of my life), where this girl Gigi continues to put herself out there no matter how big of a fool she makes of herself because she believes love is out there and she is going to find it. So the question is: do I believe love is out there? I don't know, I really don't know.