In love

Love, could it actually be that I am back in l.o.v.e, love? Back in the love that I haven’t felt since I was just a schoolgirl of 24? Back in the love that produces giddiness and an insatiable lust? That love? Could it be?

Now it’s not that I haven’t loved in the past 5 years. I have. I have loved many a man…(okay, I have loved three a man), in the past 5 years. But, this particular love, the love that causes your heart to race, your mouth to smile spontaneously, your mind to fantasize, your insides to tingle and your knees to give (well, at least in the movies), is a different kind of love, it is in love. And folks, I am in love.

A few weeks ago I took a risk and said yes. I said yes even though I meant no. I have never been good at saying no, never, and I make it a daily priority to avoid hearing no at all costs. So, instead of saying no, which I meant, I said yes. And so, I landed in love. Get it?

So what was the question? Well, to paraphrase, the question was, “do you want us to give a relationship a try? Do you want us to be together?” While my head screamed NO!!!, my mouth said yes. In a nut shell, I said yes to commitment, to being a (yuck) girlfriend. Only don’t worry, I would never agree to being called a GF, not until I am married at least.

So how does an internal no lead to in love? Well, did I mention that the Casanova of that romantic question was none other than Big? It is Big who wants to consider (don’t ever put the cart before the horse) moving to Chi Chi to be with me.

Now as hard as I have been on Big, and as much as he has deserved it, he (and I as well) have come a long way since we were “in love” initially. Yes, he and I were a disaster, he was a jerk, and I was a jerk. And both of us had to do a lot of growing up to do, to have gotten to where we are today. And where are we today?

Well, today we are better friends than we ever were…we genuinely care for one another and show each other (him more than I) true compassion. And, beyond that deep friendship built of mutual appreciation, lies a very intense and passionate desire for one another. The kind of passion that prevents us from being just friends. And despite our tumultuous past, he and I have worked towards building a relationship together through daily phone calls for over a year and constant affirmations of how we feel about one another. And did I mention that this closeness and intimacy has been initiated by him?

So why would I scream no? Not nearly enough space to say.

But more importantly, why am I am suddenly back in love? Not nearly enough space to say.

But it is worth mentioning that I have loved him since our first kiss at Barfly 7 years ago, and so it is not hard to imagine that I could be back in love with someone who so logically, so casually, and so meaningfully says the following:

Him: “so have you always loved me?”
Me: “yes, I guess so.”,
Him “yeah, I have always loved you, too. I always knew you were special. I think we are meant to be together.”
Me: silent :)

And so I am, in love.