Needless to say, I did not end up interviewing for the job in Tokyo. It interfered too much with my current work schedule and lets face it, I can't be bothered with a group interview. Not to mention that it took them 500 candidate interviews to hire 30 people! Why go through the rejection?
That said I am still interested in a new role, either with-in current company, or at a new company. Either in Chi-town or in a new city. Whatever the case may be, I need to make a decision ASAP and act on it.
December and January have been really hard months on me for a plethora of reasons. Its like I have this feeling of restlessness which is equally as bad as my feeling of contentedness. I feel restless, like I am constantly waiting for things to happen, and at the same time I am feeling too comfortable in my current circumstances which is to say that I have grown comfortable with my non-life in Chi. I still only have 1 friend, and unfortunately my 1 friend is too complicated and not really a friend at all. And all the worse is that all of this, my situation my lackluster job search, my complicated relationships, and now friendships, all of it is my fault. This is not to say fault as in blame, it is to say that my restlessness which yields feelings of resentment, is my own doing.
I am being a little hard on myself as I have done a lot lately to propel changes in my life. For example:
-I am eating vegetables (carrots and cauli, as I am newly allergic to broccoli)
-I only listen to NPR in the car to get my current events
-I am reading financial books and planning on investing in the stock-market
-I continue to cut back on my alcohol and cheese intake
-I am trying to be more strategic in my job searching (doesn't seem to be working)
A couple of the areas where I need to improve ASAP:
-As it was pointed out to me by a dear friend, I am trying to live a MN life w/o being in MN. This results in me watching others' lives move forward w/o me as if I don't exist, which I really don't. So, I need to create a life here in Chi. I need to meet new friends and start living here, in the present.
-I need to make a decision on my relationships. My Big keeps pushing for he and I to be together and in a relationship. He is even opening his job search to Chi. I have not felt "in-love" w/ him since this summer and I have been unable to accept it. I have been waiting to fall back in love with him, but its not happening. He is there now, and I am not. It is too late for us and I can't seem to accept it. So unfairly and for months I have been asking him to wait and give me time. I can't bear the idea of telling him that he and I don't have a future. I can't bear it. But I can't make him wait for something that I know is not going to happen. But, what if I am wrong? What if I am supposed to be with him? What if he is my one? I mean its not like guys are knocking down my door. Danny has made it perfectly clear that I am only a diversion from his reality. Am I willing to give up Big and risk being alone? But in one way or another, I have always been "alone". Outside of FWBs my life has been in absence of relationships. Big and Danny are the only men I have ever even been in a "relationship" with and the irony is that these "relationships" were not of the traditional variety of boy meets girl. They have been dis-functional, non-traditional, non-committed, inconsistent, volatile, and you name it. So the fact is that I have never been in a proper relationship which has really damaged my self-esteem, in case you hadn't noticed. There, honesty. And what I have fought against my whole life is feeling like I am bad at life or I am not worthy because my life has not turned out how society deems acceptable. Because I have not been able to conform to the mass expectation something must be wrong with me. Actually, I do think it is society and its invisible expectation and judgment where-in lies the fundamental problems. But who cares? The reality is that we are our own toughest critics and nobody else really cares.
So the point of my rambling is that I am faced with telling Big that I am not moving back to Minne. He said to me a few weeks ago that women have this idea that there is always something better our there, over the horizon. That we can't accept what is in front of us and that we think if we change x,y or z, we will find the elusive thing that will make us happy. Isn't that why I moved to Chicago? Isn't that why I moved to NYC years ago? And isn't that why I am considering job searching back in the NYC? And isn't that why I am afraid of moving back to Minne? I am afraid that going back will mean I have failed. Going back to Minne will turn me back into a heavy drinking party girl in a relationship with a broke and struggling dreamer. I may not know what I want, but I know that I don't want that life again. But I'm no fool, as Big said, it is not my geography that is the problem, it is me.
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