What a difference a day makes. I would like to preface and say to all of my loyal readers and 3 followers that this is not going to be pretty. Honestly, I feel like I need to create a second blog for my "bad" days so as to not disappoint, and so as to not evoke doubt in your precious minds. But today has not been a good day.
It doesn't matter the steps you take to alter your current circumstance or change who you are...it doesn't last forever. We are all susceptible to the good and the bad and the happy and the sad, we just are. Today I just feel humiliation.
Normally when I feel this way I keep it to myself or drunkenly make late night phone calls to friends. Today, I will just write about it. Although my CPA was the one who suggested we get together this weekend, he has of course stood me up. He "has to work" tonight and has to watch hockey tomorrow. Really? Really? He did offer to ride to church together, but I see right through that attempt to appear like a good guy, and so I declined. I really can't face him. I am humiliated.
I do not take rejection well. This must be genetic as the probable source of my brother's mildly severe case of OCD stemmed from a girl who broke up with him back in the day. Since then he has not been able to lead any kind of normal life. Yes, I am glad to not be that severe a case, I don't go through 2 bars of soap in a day, and I am not dependent on my daily Chipotle burrito intake. But I suppose I do have my own "coping" methods. Obviously, drinking was one of them, smoking was one of them, calling up old f*** buddies, another. And tonight I am guilty of the 2 out of 3, and to be clear, I have not had a drink. And as for the other two: smoking, well I don't even really like it but it does help when I feel anxious, and the second, come on, I really don't want to waste a room at the W and my Latin lover is just too damn sexy. Most likely I won't end up seeing him anyway.
So there you have it, once again my "progress" and hope has been completely erased (just for the moment) by rejection. I know tomorrow will be a better day.
Actually, as I sit here longer and ponder this, I realize that I cannot let my emotions and my hurt pride stop me from doing what I like to do. I cannot let it stop me from being brave and holding my head up high. I will go to church tomorrow, I will sit in the "hub" section, and I will bravely and humbly face my fear and the CPA. A few weeks ago I opened a bible for the first time and the verse I came to read "she is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs as though she has no fear of the future". As I said before I have faced many of my fears already, but I still have to learn to live as though I have no fear of the future. I am not afraid.
To end, I think that my creation of this blog to hold myself accountable has truly worked tonight. If I had allowed myself the routine of wallowing and internalizing all of these feelings, I would not have been able to come to this conclusion. Tomorrow I will be clothed in strength and dignity and in a short church-appropriate skirt. I will learn to laugh honestly and genuinely as though I have no fear of the future.
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