Let there be light, let there be color.

Day 8 Friday night.
A typical Friday night would involve stopping off at the Jewel or the Whole Foods to pick up a couple bottles of wine for the weekend. Instead, this Friday night has involved treating myself to a full body massage by a very sexy Latin man (okay, maybe it did not involve a very sexy Latin man), and shedding some calories at the gym. Overall, I am still enjoying a strong will against drinking.

And I am still enjoying a strong will against Big. Actually, I feel very minimally affected by ending my relationship with Big...it could be the distance, or it could be that I have known that he is not the right guy for me for a long time. Big and I have officially been over for more than 3 years. We had a terrible, brief, rocky, complicated relationship that blew up and left me alone and in pieces, and him in the arms of a teenage meal ticket. Since then, he and I grew to have a relationship based on friends w/ benefits and a strict don't ask don't tell policy. He didn't know what was going on in my life, and I forbid him to talk about what was going on in his life. Why had I bothered with this type of relationship? Good question.

I think the only way I can answer that myself is to say that there is some kind of wicked invisible force that draws us together. Is it love? Is it just chemistry? Whatever it may be, those feelings are like a drug...so potent and powerful that I was willing to do whatever it took to keep feeling that in my life.

We were in a good place for a while, he led his life and I led mine. Then, my sudden decision to move to the Chi sort of rocked his world. He suddenly became very attentive, called more frequently, we went out more often, he spent the night at my place, he came to my going away party, and he spent time with my friends. Once I moved he continued to call me frequently and consistently calling at all hours of the day. My first two months in Chi, I still kept him at a distance emotionally. And then, suddenly he called one Sunday night, and uttered the words that sent me into a swift and perpetual downward spiral. "Do you ever see us getting back together?"

Big and my history is long and colorful, but it has left me in the dark, literally. From my clothing, to my hair color, to my nail color, I have been living in the dark. I have decided that I have been in the dark for too long and as per a great recommendation from a friend, I need some color in my life, and a purple shirt.