because I'm worth it

Happy Memorial Day :)! A very fun weekend indeed as I was lucky enough to entertain my lovely friend San. She came into town Friday night and we had a blast living Chi-style being careful to only partake in local adventures at my favorite hot spots. In a nut shell we hit a dive chili/pizza locale where they serve the best blue margaritas in town. We hit up the "magnificent mile" briefly before soaking up the sun in one of the hottest roof-top bars in the city. We consumed many a home-made pear vodka treats before heading out for a night of salsa and dive bars in the Wicker Park area, returning home just in time to see the sunrise. And on the last day we did it right, drank Hot Chocolate, shopped at Joe's Jeans and Marc Jacobs (where San shamelessly flirted with the hot man over rainboots), enjoyed snow cones while walking the pier at the beach, suppered on a good ole Chicago-dog and ate some very fat free frozen yogurt at Red Mango. Mmm. Fun times.

San even met Danny and I was able to show my darling friend some crazy. Yep, as I said, Danny is a nut-job and he wonderfully proved this Sat night when he went all Jekyll with me at some late night dive. Don't worry kids, we were not in danger from Crazy. On the contrary, I am danger, as I found out. Now, I do not want to get into specifics of the drama, but I will summarize the events just so you have a little context.

Danny met us at Danny's. We then went to a second bar where San and I had some peach mystery cocktails (reminiscent of the peach cocktail from Dnktowner) served by Large Marge. And finally at the 3rd bar Danny lost his mind and got very angry at me for talking to another guy. No, no, no, do not mistake this anger for jealousy. You see, he felt that by talking to another guy (who by the way I had walked away from several times) he was possibly in danger of this other guy trying to start something with him. Ie, Danny did not want to get his %$# kicked over a girl he had known 2 weeks. Nice to know men want to "start shit" over me. As if.

Well, I did not like the way Danny reacted to all of this and I sure do not understand his reasoning. So, with that, we are over. As he puts it he cannot see me anymore because I am dangerous. Whatever. As I explained to him, he and I live in 2 different worlds. I live in a world where people are good and talking is just talking. He lives is a world where a simple hello can lead to gun fights and jail-time. Although he doesn't believe he has a choice in the matter, right or wrong, he is choosing to live in that world, and right or wrong, I choose to live in mine.

Danny is not a bad guy. Actually, he was horrified by how he acted in front of San and profusely apologized for it. (Her account of the passionate argument from the backseat of his car was that he was afraid these gangsters were going to come after him, and that I was mad and told him to never talk that way to me again (go me)). And by all means she felt this was one heated, emotional argument for two people who haven't even kissed with tongue. I really believe that his demons are too big and too complicated to understand. He has a lot of darkness and I would never be able to bring any light into his world...and to be honest, I wouldn't even want to try. C'est sa vie.

You are probably wiping your dripping brow glad to know I made it out safe and alive. I wish I felt that way. Instead I feel regret and a bit sad. Part of this is a reluctancy to concede defeat. I do not want to lose, I do not want Danny to not want to see me because once again it would feel like rejection. I want to be chosen...I want to be chosen for once in my life. CPA chose nothing (well video games and work) over me, Big chooses work over me, My Venezuelan chooses bachelor life over me, my stalker chose money over me, and now Danny chooses darkness and routine over me. I want to be worth someone giving up something to choose me. I am worth that, so why are these guys getting it wrong? So there is that aspect, but then there is also the fact that I liked Danny....

Danny has been the only man who has ever asked me truly personal, soul-searching questions that may have allowed me to release some of my demons. He wanted to know things about me, and while I did my best to avert and avoid these questions he did manage to get me to open up and answer to a few of them and I really appreciate that. I don't do vulnerable, but I did with him, and it was uncomfortable, but it was honest.

I feel sad, but I will get over it. Danny had no long term potential and as scared as I am of feeling alone, I guess my only choice is to continue choosing me.