Fantasy: fact or fiction?

I have been living in a fantasy world. You see, the thing is that sometimes it is easier to live in a world that is part fantasy, part reality, than to live in the real world. The fantasy world can provide where the real world has fell short. The fantasy world can be what you want it to be, it is a world where anything can be true and everything can be rationalized or omitted. Big and I only exist in a fantasy world, we do not exist in the real world. It is very silly, a bit ridiculous, I even wonder now if because I brought Big into my real world through conversations with friends, if I am not a bit crazy.

I guess it is the Big move that has brought all of this to light. He made a comment a few nights ago how "I've never met his father", and while it was not meant to be hurtful, it is very true. I have met his family only in passing 4 years ago and since then I have not existed for them, or for Big's friends. No one knows that I exist. All I am is a glorified 5 year affair that he has kept on the side while he has moved from relationship to relationship. I am a part of his fantasy world not his actual life. I certainly have known this to be true, sure I have, I am not stupid or blind, but I guess I have never acknowledged that this fact. It is easier being a part of his fantasy world and keeping him a part of mine, than acknowledging I don't exist. If I don't exist then it will be like admitting failure, and admitting I am not worth more. But, maybe it is time to admit and acknowledge the obvious: my reality is that Big and I do not exist, I am alone.

And if I am to start living in the real world than I should probably call is quits officially with CPA. I will not enter into another relationship that exists behind closed doors and while no one is watching. If I have to live in reality then it is time to start showing the world how to treat me and demand acknowledgement. This does not mean that I am "cured" of my fantasy life, but I do hope this is the step in the right direction. First step is always the acknowledgment and admittance. I will be honest though and tell you right now, life in the real world for a single woman living alone in a big city with no friends feels pretty close to worthless to me. It is only the existence of a fantasy world that has allowed me some form of peace of mind and even manufactured self respect. Without my fantasy world, I feel like I will be left with nothing.