Gone baby gone

I just said goodbye to a couple of friends from the MNApple. Darling gays on a Chicago adventure with two goals: 1. Eat at the Ralph Lauren grill while wearing riding boots. 2. Party the night away in Boystown/make out with boys. It was nice to have the company and it was a nice reminder of how much I have changed. How you may wonder? Well, if it were a year ago, or even last summer, I would have tagged along to Boystown and gotten completely trashed in order to have a good time...after all, being out at a gay club is better than not being out. At present time, being at a gay club is worse than not being out, therefore I stayed in and let the boys have their fun. Its as if I only now have learned that you cannot meet straight men at gay clubs. Who knew?

I did have a very minor a-ha moment yesterday after leaving Marc Jacobs. I took the boys to the very man sexy Marc Jacobs store where we all bought $28 rain boots (for real!) and shamelessly stared at the sexy Marc Jacobs man. He was about 6 feet tall w/ brown curly hair...like a very sexy and fit (not stocky) rugby player. Very gorgeous and very straight. After leaving the store, the boys chided me for not trying to flirt with the hot man. "Puh-lease" I said, "he so would not have been into me". And there is the a-ha.

As I have said, I feel like I am extremely confident overall, I generally feel confident in what I am wearing, my style, my body, and my awareness of current social events, but I do lack confidence in certain areas. I certainly lack the confidence in my ability to attract attractive men. I guess I can feel confident as long as I perceive myself to be the more attractive and the more successful. This is true for men and women...consider my career and the challenges I faced in establishing myself as on the level of those who I perceived to be better than me...it took me a long time to get over my intimidation. The result of this lack of confidence is that I shoot way too low. Like the CPA...he and I do not match on so many levels...he is a homebody, he is lacking in ambition, he is shorter than I am, he puts in the bare minimum effort, he has terrible music tastes, etc, etc, yet I worked my ass off to make myself attractive and irresistible to him. And it didn't work, obviously.

I have not always been like this, but its seems that gone are the days where I could go to the bar and stare and flirt my way into flowing drinks, gone are the days where I could get picked up in the middle of the skyways by sexy male strippers (yep), gone are the days where I had the confidence to card-bomb hot guys for fun, yep, gone are the days. Ironic because I am more successful than I have ever been, I am more independent than I have ever been, I am more stylish than I have ever been, I have healthier friendships than I ever have had, and I would say I am probably more attractive than I have ever been. So why as I continue to get better and better in my life have I lost more and more confidence? There is obviously a Big reason for this, but a lot of it has been me and my inability to make peace with and be honest about my insecurities.

Well dear friends, gone are those days. It is my duty to myself and to Chicago to stare like crazy and to card bomb like crazy until I meet that new special guy. And maybe I will start with Marc Jacobs.