Love, actually

When I structured my own intervention I committed to giving up my most dangerous vices. Drinking alone, binge drinking, binge drinking alone, and BIG. Obviously cutting liquor out was relatively easy as I poured it down the drain; giving up Big not so easy. Truly, if I could have forcibly poured Big down a big drain that emptied out into space, I would have. Instead, I planned on changing my phone number to a proper Chi-phone number and thus alleviate myself from the anxiety of "why hasn't he called". As you can probably guess, I did not get around to changing my number, and to be honest, the reason why is because I knew the moment after I had the "break up, break down" talk, that I didn't need to. This time is different, I am different.

I have not for a single second felt anxious or restless or panicked by my phone's silence. And when it has rang Big, I have screened. Yes, of course he has called. I spoke to him once two weeks ago--it was okay as it gave me the opportunity to finally be honest with him and tell him why I didn't want him a part of my life anymore. I for once wasn't afraid to be honest, and I wasn't afraid of losing him, because you can't lose something you never had. Big called again last week and then again last night. I called him back today (hey! hold the judgment) and we had a short conversation that was cordial, friendly, and not at all manipulative. It was the type of conversation that could be the last, that mutually declared that we accept the situation, and we wish each other the best. I then (for the very first time) ended the conversation. Dare I say closure, but I feel like this is the most dignified and honest end that we could have hoped for, and a lot of it was because of what wasn't said. I think he let me go (okay, break for a tear), but its okay he let me go because I let him go too.

Big and I were not meant to be and it is not anything I did or he did (come on, obviously it was all his fault), we just were not compatible, and we couldn't make each other happy. Whew, is that the first time I have said that that I actually meant it? The truth is my love for Big made me afraid of everything; of being alone, of wanting for the future, of rejection, of everything. Mostly it made me afraid that I wasn't worth it and that fear has stayed with me, until now.

Today, I am no longer afraid to say that I want to find a wonderful, considerate, stable, successful, kind, loving, honest man who has the integrity to do right by his word. I am not afraid to say that I probably do want to get married, and I probably do want to have kid(s). I am not afraid to say that I care about myself enough to make sure that the next relationship I am in is with the man that can make my dreams come true. I am not afraid to say that I am worth it. I am not afraid.

(although I think that that was a perfect ending to today's edition of my blog, I do need to let my one "follower" know that my CPA texted last night and sort of asked me out, well in, for this weekend.)

Love actually may be, all around.