the things we don't say

Now more than ever I am seeing how honesty and disclosure are strengths and not weaknesses. As I said in a recent post, I felt like if I were honest about certain things in my life, then I would appear weak and imperfect. There is that word again, perfect. For you long-term avid followers, you know that appearance and perfection are consistent themes in my posts. I have always felt like appearing to be happy and perfect was far more important than actually feeling such. I think that I am not alone possibly in leading my life that way. The reality however was that I wasn't good at appearing like I had it all together, I was for awhile, but then things started going wrong and I started to overindulge in the drinking, partying, and one-night stands. But that all was okay wasn't it? I mean I was cool, I was busy, I was living. In reality I was drowning, a daily victim of regret, embarrassment, and diminishing self-esteem. And once again to offer up honesty, there in lies the reason that my moving to Chi-ville was absolutely necessary and the right thing to do.

It didn't always seem like the right thing to do. There were many days and times when I would say to my best friend, "I know that everything is supposed to happen for a reason, but I do not understand why I am here, I can't find the reason for it." Many months later I have my answer; and it wasn't my life coach or my financial coach or my spiritual growth that led me to my answers, it has been the peace I have started to find within that has left me with a new joie de vivre. This innerpeace has perpetuated itself through my ability to finally accept myself and my "flaws" and to love them each as they are. Feel free to roll your eyes here, to paraphrase my favorite Firth, I love me just as I am. In a way I have always loved me as I am, but because I was so sensitive and influenced by how other people have felt about me, I have often felt in the wrong, that my feelings didn't matter, and that it was okay if people treated me poorly because I clearly deserved it.

My blithering aside, my point is that I am learning a (several) lesson(s) much overdue: that it is okay to be honest, that showing vulnerability makes us human, and that we need to be who we are all the time and be proud of it and to hell with anyone who doesn't like us for us. For some of us the challenge is letting go of destructive relationships or draining friendships, for others it might be reaching out to our best friends and family risking difficult and uncomfortable conversations when we know we have to, and for some (including us single ladies) it might be having the courage and self-respect to state our relationship goals and objectives to possible matches and ask for theirs in return.

And by the way I need to get better at all three, most notably the last one as I have always lived and abided by a strict don't ask don't tell policy. I am going to do my best though, and in doing my best to be more open, I think that I can change my life and change the lives of those around me, even if just in a small way. And the reason I know this is because there is a friend of mine who has newly found strength in opening up and letting people in to see her life as it is, not as the mirage it seemed to be. What I mean is that to the outside world looking in her life was perfect, but in reality, for her, it was far from. Her bravery and vulnerability in opening up and letting people in to see her truth has been transforming to her, but also to myself in a way. I look at her and the trials and tribulations she is going through and I am moved, I am saddened, I am excited, I am inspired, I am speechless, and most of all I am proud and in admiration of her strength, bravery, courage, and heart. She is teaching me every day (and I am also teaching her), how to be proudly honest in life. Honesty with other people only comes after we are honest with ourselves.

To my friend: I love you, I support you, I admire you, and I am inspired by you, you are my making me a better me and I promise to help make you a better (happier) you.