what a girl doesn't want

Big asked me to stop seeing other people. I said no. That is my life in a nut shell, and by the way, it seems my nut shell is covered in titanium as I feel completely unmoved by his plea and sudden attempt to be with me. As you may recall, a few weeks ago I finally admitted to him that I was seeing other people, nothing serious, just dating. He initially took it well. As the shock and surprise has worn off he is now very hurt and very aware of what this may mean for our us...like the reality that he and I may not have a present or a future.

I guess I appreciate the fact that he is suddenly afraid of losing me, but as I said, a part of me is completely unmoved. As I, perhaps cruelly, said to him, it feels like the SATC episode in which Carrie is moving to Paris with Alexandre and Big suddenly shows up. Exasperated, she says (and I am paraphrasing), "you always do this, its like you have some kind of radar, oh, Carrie's happy time to come in and shit all over it". I feel like my Big is doing the same thing--he can feel me slipping away, and so he is desperately reacting in order to keep ahold of me.

Anyway, I told him that I am not going to stop dating other people. And I finally said the unsaid, what if we have nothing in common, what if our values and our goals don't match, what if he only feels this way about me when things in his life aren't going well, what if he never finds financial stability, what if the love isn't enough, what if the love is gone? I said everything that has been left unsaid for so long, because it had to be said, our future depends on it. He took it pretty hard, he really didn't see it coming, he thought I loved him and I would be there and wait while he worked things out. I guess I led him the believe such.

Now with all of that said, the hardest part for me has been the guilt I feel around not feeling, well, anything. He is professing his love and desire for me and it leaves me completely unmoved. What I used to crave and need to hear, he is spoon feeding me willing to give in to all my desires. But I don't want to hear it, I find it inconvenient and burdensome. I guess I feel like I have moved on and I don't want to go back. Because I feel this way I feel incredibly guilty. How when I know the devastation I felt when he rejected me all those years ago, how could I possibly cause him that same pain? But I also need to be honest, and for the first time in my life, I have to put myself first.

While I certainly feel that way, I cannot not consider the possibility that I am making a huge mistake. I mean am I throwing away the possibility of being in a relationship with the only man I have ever truly loved, for Danny? Danny and I don't have a future, there is absolutely no possibility, sorry to disappoint you hopeful romantics, so how can I wager the possibility of it working out with Big for a man who will never meet my long-term needs. I cannot throw Big away for Danny. But, in a way its what I am willing to do. In the few short months I have known Danny he has changed me, inherently. I am not ready to give up a man who can change me and help me grow for someone who has been the ultimate reason behind my fear of rejection, my eroded self confidence, and my disillusioned feelings of self-worth.

So once again, no, I will not stop seeing Danny or any other guy. I want to know whats out there, I want to grow, I want to change, I want to flirt, I want to be fawned over, I want to be made to feel like I am special, I want to feel comfortable, I want to feel open, and I want to feel like anything is possible. I want so many things, and yet I really can't articulate what I definitively want in life. But I think I am getting closer to truly knowing. As I asked a friend of mine last night, how is it that she knows exactly what she wants out of life and I don't? Her response is that she has been able to define what she wants by first defining what she doesn't want. I guess that I can say for a fact that what I don't want is a relationship with Big because I feel obligated. As this wise woman also said, because I have chased after him for so long, it, him, the chase, has become my identity. And because it is part of who I am, I feel obligated to have him in my life and my future always. Big is not my identity at least any more--and as Danny says, what does identity mean anyway, true "identity" doesn't even exist.

To leave myself an out, I am not saying that there is absolutely no chance that Big and I will eventually work out, we may in fact. I just know that if he and I have any chance in the world, things will have to change. In the meantime I am happy to continue seeing Danny for right now, and I am happy to continue searching for someone new who can make my dreams come true. And by the way, I think that I am brave enough to say that I probably don't want the paper life, I tried it, but as I said, I am not the paper kind of girl.