Hot for Elliott Stabler

I just spent 1 hour, maybe 1 hour 30 minutes (SATC always slows the process down) getting ready for CPA only to be stood up! He texts me 30 minutes before he was supposed to be here wondering if we can get together tomorrow instead. He is still at work. I am trying to be rational about this, but come on! I am pissed! I am tired of being disappointed by people, because the fact is that I NEVER cancel on people, ever. If I am supposed to start defining what I want in my relationships and even friendships, then I define that my expectations of not cancelling are valid. As my LC says, my feelings are valid. Now I feel like I am all dressed up with no where to go. Law & Order, my couch, and my bed certainly appreciate my effort, hotness, and sexy scent, but my wallet and make-up/toiletries do not. It has been one of those days.

Big is possibly moving to LA (Napa Valley anyone?). He graduated today and apparently an LA studio is flying him out for an interview by way of a referral from one of his professors. It is actually ironic and perfect timing. I have come to terms with the fact that in order to attract a great man and relationship into my life I have to really, really let Big go. Not 5 hours after sharing this with my LC and getting to a point where I am indisputably ready for this, he calls with the Big news. He delicately said that if he does get this job and does move, he hopes we will "stay in touch". Stay in touch. That's nice. When all is said and done Big and I do not have the timing to work, and the true reality is that I love Big but I don't love him enough to wait 10 years to be with him. Big loves me but his career is and will remain his priority for a very long time allowing no room for me. I know that I am ready to lie Big to bed, but it really does hurt...it is scary to imagine being alone from Big, but it needs to happen and this is the way it needs to happen.

So back to CPA cancelling. I am not mad at him, nor do I think he is a bad person, nor do I think he is intentionally blowing me off, but I do think that it is important that I recognize that people who let me down consistently are not people I want in my life. This is not to say that its over with CPA, that he has ruined his chances, but as I do consider "deal-breakers" frequently cancelling is one of them. More than anything I want to feel like I am important and special...that simple desire is the whole basis of the book "how to win friends and influence people". If you are able to make someone else feel special and like a priority then they will like you. What I would have preferred is for CPA to have expressed how disappointed he is that he can't see me, that he promises to make it up to me. A simple sorry doesn't feel like enough. Again, we need to train the world how to treat us and by pretending that this doesn't bother me would be fake and not true to what I want and what I want to expect.

Now to my comments from last blog...one questioned whether or not I even like CPA (well not at the moment!) and one questioned whether or not I have a fear of commitment. First of all, do I like CPA...I think I may have mentioned the fact that I do not think CPA and I have much in common, but, unfortunately, I do think I like him anyway. How do I know? Well, I know right away if I don't like someone...I have many of them out there...attraction both physical and emotional is instantaneous. If I didn't like CPA I would know. There are many things I do like about him...he is genuine, he has a sound moral framework, he comes from a great family, he has a career, he has a slight accent, I am physically attracted to him, he is easy going, he is likable, he is sometimes considerate, he is sensual and passionate, he is agreeable, overall he is a well-rounded stable and confident man, and I think I like him (again, maybe not at the moment).

Do I have a fear of commitment. Yes and no. I never thought I did, but I do wonder. Breaking up with Big (3 years ago) was the worst time of my life...it broke me in every way imaginable and it brought out certain self-destructive tendencies that I could have never imagined I had. It took my soul. Thankfully with time and with counseling I got through it and I came out of it a better person times 10, but the thought of being hurt like that again is almost unbearable. I was too emotionally young at the time and the reason I took our break-up so hard is because I loved him so much, more than myself, more than anything in the world...obviously that suffocated him and nearly ruined me. You must always love yourself first and most, and only then can you love someone else in the right way. I have learned a lot, but the thought of loving someone else and the possibility of suffering if it does not work out is too terrifying. Big and I have come a long way in our relationship but part of the reason I have been holding on to him for so long is because I am comfortable with the pain...nothing else can happen between us that would devastate me further. With someone new, who knows what could happen?

This is the part where I brag about growing...my explanation on commitment is not currently who I am. Currently, I am someone who is willing to give up the safety of Big and venture into a relationship that is true to who I am. I want to be honest from the beginning of what my goals and I want to live with the intention of getting exactly what I want. So, CPA what I want is someone who shows up and lives by the integrity of his word, can you be that man?